11:11 Psychoetry: Existential Crisis, Love & the Cosmos

By Delilah Rose

This collection of poetry and ‘psychoetry’ explores themes of anti-authoritarianism, haunted love, and mental health through an intense, passionate personal lens.

With hints of philosophy and touches of sarcasm, the writing style varies dramatically between different poetic voices – echoes of the differing ‘alters’ within the author’s trauma-induced dissociative identity disorder system.

You’ll discover poems penned in radically distinct styles, evoking the complex emotional landscape of living with C-PTSD, ADHD, chronic pain, and childhood trauma. The works dive deep into sexuality, love, spirituality, psychosis, neurodivergence, domestic violence and anarchic political perspectives.

Raw, simple yet profound words excavate the darkest corners of a fragmented self, having unflinching conversations between selves, crying out for self-help and trauma recovery.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Mar 28, 2024
• ISBN: 9781398489134

Delilah Rose

11:11 Psychoetry is a poetry collection which entails Delilah Rose’s healing journey from multiple personality disorder. This book is basically a diary told in the medium of anarchic poetry…years of poems which came from writing to the different people in her system. Throughout this process, Delilah had psychiatric appointments and was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. She has elhers danlos syndrome fibromyalgia which causes chronic pain. These poems have helped her to stay alive through hard times and release a lot of trauma. This book is a literal funeral for all of the past. Delilah was in and out of foster care from the age of three…she has been in abusive relationships, and has lived in women’s refuges. She has witnessed her mum be beaten up by her father and stepfather. Delilah has been an escort after being sexually abused by her stepfather. She has been raped, attacked, left homeless in women’s refuges for domestic violence. An escort, a tarot reader, having spoken to spirits since she was little – who looked after her through traumatic experiences. Her whole family has issues with mental and physical health, and Delilah also suffer with mental and physical health issues and disabilities. Everything Delilah has been through and witnessed and found challenging to experience, she has written poems about. She likes to see the lessons in every tragedy and looks for the humour. Some of Delilah’s work is dark and twisted, and some of it is light and comedic, it’s a dichotomy of the human mind that she has been trying to come to terms with, to make sense of the world around her. Delilah is a healer and this is her shadow work she is allowing to be seen – the most dark sides and light sides of her many head mates. Different souls who inhabit her body have written these as conversations between themselves and about each other and how they experience the world around them.

Book preview

About the Author

11:11 Psychoetry is a poetry collection which entails Delilah Rose’s healing journey from multiple personality disorder. This book is basically a diary told in the medium of anarchic poetry…years of poems which came from writing to the different people in her system. Throughout this process, Delilah had psychiatric appointments and was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. She has elhers danlos syndrome fibromyalgia which causes chronic pain. These poems have helped her to stay alive through hard times and release a lot of trauma. This book is a literal funeral for all of the past.

Delilah was in and out of foster care from the age of three…she has been in abusive relationships, and has lived in women’s refuges. She has witnessed her mum be beaten up by her father and stepfather. Delilah has been an escort after being sexually abused by her stepfather. She has been raped, attacked, left homeless in women’s refuges for domestic violence. An escort, a tarot reader, having spoken to spirits since she was little – who looked after her through traumatic experiences. Her whole family has issues with mental and physical health, and Delilah also suffer with mental and physical health issues and disabilities.

Everything Delilah has been through and witnessed and found challenging to experience, she has written poems about. She likes to see the lessons in every tragedy and looks for the humour.

Some of Delilah’s work is dark and twisted, and some of it is light and comedic, it’s a dichotomy of the human mind that she has been trying to come to terms with, to make sense of the world around her. Delilah is a healer and this is her shadow work she is allowing to be seen – the most dark sides and light sides of her many head mates. Different souls who inhabit her body have written these as conversations between themselves and about each other and how they experience the world around them.

Dedication

Dedicated to: poetry, for being the best therapist I’ve ever had and helping me to release traumatic feelings and events in a healthy way.

Copyright Information ©

Delilah Rose 2024

The right of Delilah Rose to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398489127 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398489134 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2024

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Acknowledgement

Thank you to all who contributed to my life experiences,

you’ve been my muse…

Quantum Physics Uncertainty Principal

We could’ve had it all.

Black hole

Dark crust

All I could see was our lust.

No trust

Carbon, compressed.

into its

deepest

density

Was this destiny.

Do you always think less of me?

In final analysis we’re all just

star dust

Watched all our dreams die,

turn to rust.

A global community of souls awakened.

Yet the two of us so childishly frightened

Distinguishable only by philistines

The Goldilocks theory

Always seems so regular and dreary.

yet must be told.

For us to grow together

’Till we’re old.

Twirling twinkling

Infinite universe

So beautiful for eyes to behold.

We get put on repeat but never reverse,

always on hold

Is this part of our lovers’ curse?

Rhyming but never quite

free verse

Personality upon reality

Becomes rehearsed.

Like a galaxy

our hearts, minds, souls

collided

Condensed

Compressed

Sucking everything into

Some mystery abyss

Into you

I lost

That, which

I will always miss.

Forever

A piece

Of my soul

Our love became

Like that black hole.

Mental Health Day

Wondering how to get outside of my head day.

When all I want to do is hide in my Bed today

Mental illness shouldn’t make me feel any less

But every time it grows taller

My life looks a mess

Pills, counselling, mindfulness

and rest

Seriously, the system is useless.

it’s a mess.

I was never told

its effects could take hold

of hearts filled with gold

Rooting itself in my children’s

DNA as they grow old.

How can I live without guilt and shame?

Knowing my genes passed on so much pain.

Living each day trying to overcome the same mental game.

Stamina born from staying alive

during every confusing

contempt filled

Psychosis high dive

This is constant and persistent.

Feels like I’m drowning with every depression filled anxiety fuelled wave.

I can’t even be bothered to shave.

Hygiene is lacking.

Domestic chores are slacking.

Dare not let society see

Me cave

They call to fill in forms and tick boxes,

monitor the up and down effect of my internal rage pet.

Only to wave goodbye when their targets are met.

Passing it on to another face with a clip board

more interested in finishing their tea

Than talking to the likes of me

Drs and nurses, psychiatrists and aides

Nothing minimises my internal cage.

Alone and isolated inside my head

please all I need

is a week

to hide in my bed

Positive thinking is all well and good

If only it was understood

That Inside my soul feels like it’s dead

And all I can muster is enough energy to fight off the dread

Please reach out and offer your help

But do it in silence without pretence

Or behold the monster that hides in my head.

Crying in the Rain

Screaming out in pain

His Stomach’s in knots

For what he is and what he’s not

For who he inside too forgot

Tying shoe laces, he’s lost

in thoughts of nooses bringing kin to their knees

Just help me please find the keys

If you’re their mum if you care mum

Please help me release me

from the boredom of monotony

From the tyranny of costly serenity

Bring me blessed energy

That reaches out to me in its entirety

Shows me it chose me for eternity

That I’m kissed by the gods in remedy

Of my forgiven sins

Show me what else there is

Besides this

Crisis after crisis

He just wants to know this

Isn’t all that exists

To be able to resist

He wants true love to persist

He needs to see himself as the exorcist

Of all that makes him a nihilist

Within himself rid

of the altruistic,

Semi sadistic ritualistic

Old perspectives

He wants to be in peace resurrected

To see himself

in his true face reflected

He just wants to be inside himself respected

To be seen

To be heard

To be and

To just be

not

Someone everyone forgot

He just doesn’t want this to be

His last lost lot

Breathing out a haunted sigh

With words of why leaving his tepid tongue

To rot

Forget me

or forget me not.

I’m Sorry

I didn’t give you any glory

that I never truly heard your story

That the mind hurts more than hearts

Blindly playing each other like darts

That I became another toxic person

in your life

We were dreaming I’d be the perfect wife

But you realised this when I stuck in and twisted the knife

Tortured souls flock together

Like birds with black feathers

Tainted from oil slicked seas

This love has bought us to our knees

And I made you beg

For what was just held up with one broken peg

Running on bandy legs

I’m Bambi’s mother and yet

I feel like I shot her dead

Returning to our bed

Bleeding hearts screaming

For ever believing

In happy ever after

Ripping off putrid plasters

Holding onto the rotting rafters

Of our fated outdated love

You fit me like a glove.

But I can’t send anymore white doves to die

We bite the hands that feed us

We fight the hearts that receive us

Are we no longer believers

Now forgotten in rusted dust

What began with wanton lust

The remnants of a sacred trust.

I See in You

That you can open up my heart

Heal my sacral roots from the start

I know your embrace is the one that makes girls hearts race

I hope one day

To see the ecstasy in your face

change the course of both our fates

Free fall into my forgotten feminine power

Redeem my recorded akashic book

That with time I forsook

Find the map to the keys

To open the locks

To my magical tool box

To mediate for the rapture

Set my sight free to see the purple Rose crown I set down

Handing me the wisdom to acknowledge

My own internal and external kingdom

Giving me the freedom

To soar like a Phoenix from the rivers of

Winter’s storms

Enabling me to be reborn from the token of its whispers

So much richer an existence

I need to feed

So, stop the resistance.

Do You, My Frozen Chovihani Rose

Take me your wandering nomad

to be

Your loving flame forever and ever

so, I say it so it be

To the stars above the seas

and the earth below on bended knees

On your life I do bestow my heart

’Till death do us part

I may melt your frozen kingdom and reveal a land you’ve never seen

Wake up my Queen

He says as he unlocks the door to my ice covered frosted heart

I’m here in the in-between

Your magpie king

I’ve searched so far and never seen

A rose like yours

grow through the frost of a thousand winters

I’ve climbed through brambles so thick I have swords made from splinters

With roaring heart keeping me warm where others have failed

I come with a soul that aches for your barren crystalline wildness

I have to bathe in your jagged snowdrop lust

I want your tortured trust

I want that rush

To feed off a thousand winters

Forget the devils tryst

I’m here to untangle this

Remove the veil

With this magic wand through your heart, I impale

For the darkness I want to inhale

Exhaling the purple hue of me healing you

Only Fairies will tell of our tall tale

For the love that bought them back to life and allowed them to be feral

Drowning in each other’s eyes

Careful of twisted beaks and

Eyes with the minds of spies

Through your love I will rise

Feeling the new depths my soul has to dive to reach the bottom

how far I can swim without oxygen and rest

The lovers test

Opening our hearts to dine upon each other’s extracted frosted depression and emotive expression

Waking up to new highs from fantasies that feel like sweet lies

Be each other’s new elective experiments

We only ever have each other’s universally owned souls on rent

Best be careful how much we spend

Because we always feel the pinch in the end.

She Wished Me Dead That Day

Wished that all her memories of me would fade from existence

And so, I became a dead thing in her life

I removed myself from the toxicity

Of her bitter tongue

I became autonomous once more

Ego splayed on the floor

To her I am merely no more

A dulcet toned melody of what once was

left my lungs

And I vowed to remember this

Her last death wished kiss

It was painful watching

The darkness that wraps around her bones and weeps into her heart

She feels it

growing with her undoing

Departure, she knows, to be creeping upon her withered skin

Feverish questions of why still whirling within her tormented soul

A shadow of what was once the

Unveiling of the old wild rose.

What Has This Wizard Done

I can’t deny myself of him

But he gives me twigs when I want roses

Even though they come with thorns

Like he himself adorns

He’s even got horns protruding from his head

But I still can’t stop my mind thinking about what he’s like in bed

Picturing lust filled moments

Probably the only component

Of this lust

It’s certainly not made from trust

But my soul is starting to rust

Maybe a bit of Prosecco would lubricate it

I’m not looking for a wife he said

I’ve already got one at home

I just want to get you in bed

I’ve seen you

felt you

heard you

fantasising about getting in deep

I’ve felt you in my sleep

Obsessing over the devils tryst

We should never have that first kiss

I know I shouldn’t have thoughts of begotten rotten pissed up sex

For I’ll be irrevocably possessed

With a love that’s been repressed only to be repossessed

Was so good in my simulation

So much mental sacral stimulation

I felt godly blessed

I know it would’ve been the best

Decided I would pass this test

I do attest

For the devils tryst I’ll rest

To the lord I must confess

I am still picturing him unbuttoning my dress

Exposing my poisoned petrified Rose bush heart

letting the thorns penetrate pierce through my chest

Thanks for being my ghostly muse it’s made some wonderful art

So as not to confuse

You surely would’ve been the best

To this I do attest

the listless lust that will never rest

I don’t need you any way

You only would’ve led me astray

Keep these wanton thoughts at bay

Because be as they