Dear Mom: A Letter I Will Never Send, To A Mother Who Would Never Read It Anyway

By Eva Tillman

None of us were raised by perfect mothers nor can we ourselves be perfect parents. But some mothers sure do know how to ruin a life, well almost. I say almost because, although my mother's parenting left severe damage in its path and, regrettably, and inevitably, shaped some of the decisions I made, I am grateful to have realized the issues I wa

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eva Tillman
• Release date: Jun 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798869166999

Eva Tillman

Eva Tillman published her first work in 2023. However, she has been writing since she was a teenager. She was raised in St. Paul, MN and lived in several regions of the US before she settled in the West with its palm trees and constant sunshine. She loves to read and help others feel good about themselves.Many people, including Eva, have faced trauma of different types. Unfortunately, the hands of time cannot be turned back. But it is possible to live happy, successful lives, contentedly coping with the slowly dissipating effects of trauma.In her most personal work, "Dear Mom: A Letter I Will Never Send, To A Mother Who Would Never Read It Anyway," published June 1, 2023, Eva does her best to write as if she were writing to Mother herself, the unfortunate source of most of the trauma. Having tackled that monster, she went on to write a romantic comedy "Gracie's Bright Eyes Are Closed Tight," (March 13, 2024) and a book of poetry "Angst to Ascension:The Poetic Thoughts of a Survivor," (June 1, 2024).She now enjoys reading and reviewing works of historical fiction, psychological thrillers, and more.

Book preview

1

Dear Mom

It's Eva, the ‘lost child’ you barely hear from these days, as you have been saying to every mutual acquaintance of ours you happen to run into. I got the message you have been subtly sending my way. If you think I have been avoiding you, you are correct. So, it is time you know why I have been avoiding you. Not addressing the subject has been affecting my peace of mind.

Although the elephant has been in the room for many years, I have not, as an adult, addressed the neglect and abuse that I endured while under your care. I have decided to stop running from the subject. I'm addressing it by writing instead of making a personal visit, and for good reason. I have a lot to say, and I know I won’t express myself fully if we speak in person.

The conversation might end up in a screaming match, and my only accomplishment would be feeling angrier than I already feel. Or you might start crying and I will feel guilty, regretting that I said something in the first place.

And I know that I have nothing to feel guilty about.

With therapy and other hard work, I have been successful at making a happy life for myself. But you still should know all the feelings I hid for years. I want to express myself without fear of retaliation or manipulation, and writing is the best way for me to do that. Perhaps you view things differently. I only ask that you read this letter with an open mind. Also, Greg and Lisa might view their experience having you as their mother differently than I do. So, I will not try to speak for them.

My childhood, or, more specifically, my relationship with you, was anything but emotionally healthy. When you speak about the past, it sounds as if you view our interactions as normal. I will say, for the record, that I have an entirely different viewpoint.

Things were relatively calm when you and Dad were together. Of course, your attitude wasn’t the greatest. But you kept yourself in check to a certain extent. Then everything changed. And I wasn’t wise enough to let him know what was happening. How you treated me as a piece of garbage and felt no remorse.

From about the age of fourteen, after you and Daddy divorced, I remember many instances of you calling me a stupid b*tch and telling me to get out of your motherf**king face before you killed me. I needed to leave your presence, otherwise, you would have ended my life. Really?Whether those were empty threats or not, you made it quite clear that I was nothing but an annoyance to you, like a pesky mosquito. And you swatted those profanity-laced insults at me just in case I didn’t get the point.

I do not view that as normal.

It led to me feeling invisible and unlovable. Part of the result was that I grew up allowing myself to be demeaned by friends and romantic partners. Yes, I felt the sting of insults from them also, but at least I wasn’t lonely anymore. At least someone was paying some type of attention to me AND allowing me to remain in their presence. That is how my young mind foolishly reasoned.

But inside, I still craved attention from my mother. Eventually, the barrage of negative attention from others wasn’t enough to satisfy my deep-seated desire to be seen and loved by her. And you were still uninterested in me, causing me to question if there was something inherently unlovable about me.

And the issue wasn’t simply that you didn’t want me around annoying you. Not being around you deprived me of many things I needed to learn from you. Looking back, I wish we had all the conversations about topics like career choices, dating, the female menstrual cycle, sex, drug use, and basic things like that. I would have settled for at least one of those conversations.

The world was a huge and intimidating place, and I was left alone to figure it all out. Dad tried his best, but I allowed the awkwardness to prevent me from benefitting from his advice. But you didn’t try to guide me AT ALL. Honestly, I wish I could even remember a hug from you. It's quite disturbing to think about. I felt small and unwanted, with insults constantly being added to my injuries.

There were many hurtful moments I can recall. And I will describe some of those later. But your reaction to hearing that I was sexually assaulted is probably the most painful memory.

I was 19 years old and absolutely terrified. Although you had been emotionally distant for several years, I thought I could gain some sympathy by telling you what happened to me. What kind of person wouldn’t feel pity on a young woman, her daughter, who had been through something so unspeakable. I found out what kind of person you really were that next morning.

Me: I was raped last night.

You: Sorry to hear that. (And you didn’t even look me in the eye when you said it.)

I still cannot process how you could respond that way to your daughter telling you she was forced to have sex against her will! But, again, more about that later. Actually, to be fair, it made me wonder if you had been raped yourself and had never really addressed your own experience. If that is the case, I am terribly sorry about your ordeal. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

That experience was forced upon me and I could not control your response to hearing about it. Unfortunately, though, there are so many improper things I voluntarily got involved in because I did not have the supervision I needed after you and Dad divorced. Promiscuity. Drugs. Alcohol abuse. You will hear about some of those unpleasant things today. Thinking back on those activities, I still feel some shame. At some point, I began to feel like I was a disgusting and worthless human being, if that.

I do not blame every unwise decision of mine on you. And I do not at all assume you purposely caused me any pain. Maybe you sincerely did the best you could do as a mother and this letter will hurt your feelings. But if you really did your best, as a mother myself, I hope that you'll still have those instincts and you'll be glad that I opened up. That way, you can reassure me of your love.

I am grateful to have learned how to love myself and to love others. So, please be assured that my life is good now. Still, there are many things about your approach to raising me that I don't understand. To be frank, I am baffled by your actions. From my standpoint, there are some basic things about loving, raising, and living with children that you weren’t aware of or simply gave no consideration to. And I cannot figure out how or why.