Johnny's Ridealong: Johnny Two Kebabs, #5

By Johnny Two Kebabs

Did you know that the average male bladder can hold approximately one pint of liquid? However, when it comes to an Irishman, his bladder tends to have a somewhat larger capacity. The bladder of a healthy Irishman can typically hold at least 750ml which is nearly one and a half pints. Yet, there are always exceptions to the norm. Every once in a while a man with an exceptionally large bladder emerges, and with some training and determination, he can accommodate a significantly greater volume than the average person.

Famous, among other things, for his remarkable bladder capacity (it is well-known that before having to relieve himself he has, on occasion, imbibed up to four pints of lager), Johnny Two Kebabs shares his experiences in this fifth instalment of his memoirs. He sets forth in gritty detail how, during a "ridealong" with two police officers, they are suddenly called to investigate the murder of a prominent Conservative MP. It is in this gripping narrative that Johnny portrays how his "enhanced bladder capacity" plays a crucial role in foiling a daring assassination attempt orchestrated by the Cornish separatist group, the C.N.L.O.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Johnny Two Kebabs
• Release date: Feb 8, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224408825

Johnny Two Kebabs

Who is Johnny Two Kebabs? There has been much speculation in recent years as to whether Johnny Two Kebabs really exists. Is it true that on 15th June 2011 after drinking 13 pints of lager, he polished off two doner kebabs in 1 minute 59 seconds? Is Johnny Two Kebabs just an urban legend? Is the song that was written about him and for which the video appears on the internet merely in the tradition of Irish blarney and storytelling? Now, for the first time Johnny has decided to recount his adventures and the events leading up to the historic achievement to which he owes his fame. The importance of Johnny's memoirs is beyond doubt as they establish him as one of the great ‘thinkers’ of modern times and they grant him the recognition he so justly deserves.

Book preview

PROLOGUE

It was a morning like any other. Johnny woke up and began his routine. He lit a cigarette, dragged himself out of bed, made his way to the bathroom and stood in front of the toilet. Johnny was probably one of the last males in the UK - or even, for that matter, in the western world - to still wear Y-fronts. Johnny didn’t care, he didn’t pander to convention - he was a free thinker, and frankly, he couldn’t care less what anyone thought. He pulled them down without ceremony. He seized his manhood in his right hand and the stream started. It was, as usual, a good strong flow, and Johnny’s aim was steady. He was very conscientious when it came to urinating. He always aimed just above the surface of the water in the bowl; in this way, there was no unnecessary splashing. Sometimes he would sway his hips gently in a circular motion, but all the time keeping an eye on what was happening inside the bowl.

While Johnny had never been in the Special Forces per se, he knew that if he had joined the army he would have been a Special Forces man. This kind of made him a veteran or ex-special forces but then, of course, he had the killer instinct that was a prerequisite for joining the army’s élite. He had good focus, and he could regulate not only the force of his stream, but he could also direct it at a mobile target. He had experience that some would consider to be combat experience. For instance, it was common in his local pub, The Auld Sod, during the summer months, for a few flies to circulate around the bowl in the Gents. Johnny would often, by spurting directly at them while they were in the bowl, take out a couple of the flies. This required a certain level of prowess, and Johnny knew that the vast majority of men simply couldn’t match his skill at this.

The stream kept coming, and Johnny once again felt the pride of having an exceptionally large bladder. As usual, during his morning micturition, he could sense the odour of fermenting sugar. This was due to the super-strength lager he drank, which was made using an extraordinarily high quantity of sugar in order to give it its super-strength. The smell, to Johnny’s mind, was quite agreeable and the super-strength lager also gave his urine a slightly stickier and yellower tinge than usual. He had heard that in certain countries illnesses could be cured by drinking one’s own urine, and he imagined that he would be prepared to try it if he were desperate enough. Probably, in his case, he thought, not only would the taste not be too bad, but there might also be a residual effect from the super-strength lager which would provide a slight anaesthetic numbing which could mitigate the discomfort of whatever illness he was suffering from. Johnny was also aware that Special Forces personnel needed to be ready to drink their own urine at any given moment, for example, if they were escaping from enemy territory and were lost without a sufficient water supply. Would he be ready?

While speculating on these issues, he would from time to time vary the power of his stream. Johnny believed that the urinary system was extremely important in a man and that it was vital to keep it in good condition. By being able to exert expert control over his flow, Johnny knew his urinary muscles were in good condition. To Johnny, the urinary system was second in importance only to the reproductive system; but, of course, these two systems are so closely linked in the male that Johnny would go as far as to say that they were of equal importance.

An extraordinary aspect of Johnny’s physique was the fact that he had been born with an unusually large bladder. He believed he had inherited this enhanced bladder capacity from his ancestors, and that he had further enlarged its volume through exercises and by the focused disciplining of his bladder muscles. Yes, use it or lose it, - this was an expression that Johnny had heard someone say once, and he believed it. He knew that the way a man urinated said a lot about him. In Ireland, men tend to judge each other on how long they can keep their flow going. It was noticeable if a man only spent a short time in front of the urinal and this could be construed as having a weak bladder (which in Ireland was a terrible indictment of a fellow), whereas a guy who spent considerable time and seemed to be enjoying it was considered to be a generous, popular, big-hearted type. Many times in the Gents he had seen proof of this. He had closely observed the urinal etiquette of the clients in The Auld Sod, and he had noticed certain archetypes. There were those who would stand very close to the urinal as if they were in some way ashamed of their manhood. Then some couldn’t seem to get their flow going, if there were other men present. There was the bravado of others who made a big song and dance about revealing their manhood; and then there existed those who would sneak a quick surreptitious glance at the equipment of the guy in the adjacent urinal. Johnny was neither cocksure nor shy when he approached the urinal. Even so, in the men’s toilets of The Auld Sod, guys would often feel intimidated when he walked in. Johnny tended to stand further from the urinal than would be considered normal and when he urinated he did it with confidence. He would step back and, like the Fontana di Trevi, let it flow in a majestic stream while he surveyed the bathroom and the mortals therein with just a glance from time to time at the whirlpool forming at the bottom of the bowl

Now, in his ritualistic manner, Johnny cleared his throat spat into the toilet and started finishing up. He liked to completely empty his bladder, so the final liquid came out in three or four spurts. Johnny thought it important to both completely empty, then completely fill the bladder. He didn’t believe in half-measures. He was convinced that in this way the bladder through disciplined practice, could be trained to hold a maximum quantity of liquid. In Johnny’s case, he believed that genetics, luck and disciplined training had all played a role, and he knew from experiments he had conducted in The Auld Sod that his bladder could hold the extraordinarily large maximum quantity of four pints of lager.

Johnny had now finished. He threw the cigarette butt into the toilet bowl and then he started to shake his manhood in order to