How I Found The G Spot: Johnny Two Kebabs, #2

By Johnny Two Kebabs

In this second volume of his memoirs, Johnny describes how he infiltrated a dangerous gang of 'activists' and thwarted a plot to carry out a series of terrorist attacks in the U.K. In a race against time, he uncovers valuable information, but the deeper Johnny ventures into the heart of the gang's dark machinations, the more difficult it becomes to tread the path of righteousness as truth and falsehood seem to mingle together to form a surreal mirage.

As more of his complex psyche is revealed, we learn about Johnny Two Kebabs 'the man' as opposed to just the public figure. Further insight is gained into his 'inner journey' as well as his 'outer journey' when he describes his experience of partaking of 'The Kebab Of Truth.'

With danger ever-present Johnny's mettle and gastric juices are tested to their limits in this rollercoaster adventure where illusion and reality seem to merge into a mesmerising dance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Johnny Two Kebabs
• Release date: Feb 8, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224291182

Johnny Two Kebabs

Who is Johnny Two Kebabs? There has been much speculation in recent years as to whether Johnny Two Kebabs really exists. Is it true that on 15th June 2011 after drinking 13 pints of lager, he polished off two doner kebabs in 1 minute 59 seconds? Is Johnny Two Kebabs just an urban legend? Is the song that was written about him and for which the video appears on the internet merely in the tradition of Irish blarney and storytelling? Now, for the first time Johnny has decided to recount his adventures and the events leading up to the historic achievement to which he owes his fame. The importance of Johnny's memoirs is beyond doubt as they establish him as one of the great ‘thinkers’ of modern times and they grant him the recognition he so justly deserves.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

UNREASONABLE DEMANDS

Aleaflet was thrust into Johnny’s hands, 'Ere you go guv, don’t let ‘em use 5G to control us all. Johnny took a look at the leaflet, William Bates and the 'Luciferians' want to shaft us, was written in block capitals on the top of the leaflet and below there was a photograph of an antenna (presumably a 5G antenna). William Bates was the head of a global computer manufacturer, he was one of the richest men in the world and a household name. Johnny had heard some of the rumours about him having created the Covid virus and how he was installing a 5G network to make the virus spread more rapidly. Then, he planned to appear as a saviour with his vaccine in order to microchip every man woman and child on the planet. Johnny didn’t think these rumours were very credible but he always maintained that it was best to keep an open mind on such issues. The photograph of the 5G mast had caught Johnny’s attention. He had seen one of these masts not far from his flat. He had wondered what it was as it looked quite different to other radio masts he had seen previously. Could it possibly be a threat to innocent citizens? Were the Chinese using it for industrial espionage and to spy on UK citizens? Johnny felt his protector self coming to the fore. Should he investigate? He found himself wondering. After all, if there was a 5G mast in his area he had the right to know. He approached the man who had given him the leaflet. So are there any of these 5G masts around this area? Johnny enquired. Damn royt mate, damn royt, they’re ‘ere in Brixton, they is in Streatham an' all over souf Landon, he replied in a heavy Cockney accent. He then came a little closer to Johnny and said in a lowered conspiratorial tone, If you is very concerned like, maybe you might want to join us that is opposing this 5G. We ‘ave meetings where we plan fings, all kosher no dodgy business, whaddya fink? Johnny was not sure how to answer. On the one hand, the man to Johnny’s mind looked a little cracked but on the other, he felt that not only was this happening in his area but also that his neighbours and the people under his protection could be affected by it. There was also Johnny’s natural curiosity and the vow he had made to himself to fight evil in all its forms. I might be interested, Johnny ventured. All right mate, ‘ere my noime’s Lee, now on Thursday we is ‘avin’ a meetin’ innit? If you was to cam to the Nag’s ‘ead in Streatham at 8 pm, we would be in the room at the back. Just ask the barman where the G-Nome meeting is. Johnny thanked Lee and wandered back up Brixton Hill towards his flat.

As he walked, Johnny started to ponder his situation. He contemplated how quickly things can change in life. Not so long ago he had been a successful entrepreneur with his Russia - UK dating agency but unfortunately that hadn’t worked out. How was he supposed to have known about taxation and social security? Nobody had told him anything about that. His agency had gone bankrupt from, in Johnny’s opinion, the completely unreasonable demands of his creditors. It hadn’t worked out between Johnny and Anna (his Russian ex-girlfriend) either. Strangely enough, soon after she had been lucky enough to win Johnny over, she had started to make unreasonable demands. It was like she wanted to impose the rules of monastic living on him. Johnny couldn’t live under such constraints. He needed his freedom, he was Johnny Two Kebabs. It had all come to a head when they had been invited to a wedding. Johnny had been asked by an old school friend to be the best man. To Johnny and in Irish tradition this meant that he was entitled to first call on the bridesmaids. That is to say that he could have his pick of any of them. While that generally would have been true whether he were best man or not, being best man gave him a certain set of inalienable rights. However, with no consideration of tradition, Anna had simply refused to see it this way. Not only that but she had made a bit of a scene on the night. Confronted by such unreasonable expectations on the part of Anna and Johnny’s own lone wolf personality, he had eventually accepted that they had irreconcilable differences. So Johnny was once again young, free and single. He had been a little bit sad after the break-up with Anna but he tended to console himself with the thought that homicide detectives, secret agents and superheroes tended to have a high rate of divorce. This was in no way their fault, often it was because they were married to their jobs and Johnny in a certain sense had become married to his calling - that of fighting evil.

CHAPTER 2

PRIMAL HALF-MAN HALF-BEAST

That night, Johnny met his friend Bucker in The Auld Sod their local pub. Bucker was not only Johnny's minder and enforcer he was also his best friend. They had known each other a long time and, in a sense, Bucker was the brawn behind Johnny's brains. They both hailed from Dublin but had first met in south London and had been best friends for a number of years. Bucker had been an amateur boxer with some success in Dublin before moving to London. Now, he worked part of the time as a labourer on building sites and at weekends he would work as a bouncer in one