The Mixed Doner Murders: Johnny Two Kebabs, #3

By Johnny Two Kebabs

This third instalment is arguably the most important volume of Johnny's memoirs yet, as it firmly establishes him as one of the great 'thinkers' of modern times. Johnny shares with us some of his insights into the criminal mind and what drives him in his relentless pursuit of justice and his crusade against evil.

The art of boxing, political ideology and gender fluidity all play a part in this latest fascinating chapter of Johnny's experience. In these pages, we get closer to understanding Johnny's 'philosophy of life' when we join him in a 'diversity and inclusion' training course.

We witness the convergence of his thoughts and actions, which sheds light on the profound interplay between his personal convictions and the broader challenges society faces.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Johnny Two Kebabs
• Release date: Apr 5, 2021
• ISBN: 9798224508181

Johnny Two Kebabs

Who is Johnny Two Kebabs? There has been much speculation in recent years as to whether Johnny Two Kebabs really exists. Is it true that on 15th June 2011 after drinking 13 pints of lager, he polished off two doner kebabs in 1 minute 59 seconds? Is Johnny Two Kebabs just an urban legend? Is the song that was written about him and for which the video appears on the internet merely in the tradition of Irish blarney and storytelling? Now, for the first time Johnny has decided to recount his adventures and the events leading up to the historic achievement to which he owes his fame. The importance of Johnny's memoirs is beyond doubt as they establish him as one of the great ‘thinkers’ of modern times and they grant him the recognition he so justly deserves.

Book preview

PROLOGUE

It was evening and Johnny was walking along Clapham High Street when he saw Bucker leaving a bar. Bucker was Johnny’s best friend, they had known each other for many years. Bucker, like Johnny, was a Dubliner. However, Johnny didn’t know him from Dublin, they had met in London shortly after they had both moved there and the two had become firm friends. They had much in common and were very close.

Johnny was surprised that evening to see him coming out of a bar called Bottoms Up. He was going to call out to him but he could see he was with another man and something made him decide not to do so. He saw Bucker turn the corner and Johnny approached the bar to have a better look at it. Funnily enough, even though Johnny knew the area well, he had never seen this bar before. There were bright lights and some colourful posters in the window. Johnny’s interest was piqued so he decided to take a closer look. He saw that there were themed nights, there was a Drag Night, another night was called Call of Booty which seemed to be a sort of Military Uniforms night. Then there was a poster for Burly Bear night which had a little limerick below a picture of two chubby men with their arms around each other's shoulders. The limerick read:

"Matt had a little bear

To whom he was so kind,

And everywhere that Matt went

You could see his bear behind"

At first, Johnny smiled at the schoolboy rhyme but then, all of a sudden, a look of understanding came over his face and his smile was replaced by a look of shock. He took a step back, aghast. He realised that his worst fears had been confirmed. His best friend, Bucker, had just left a gay bar in the company of a male friend.

CHAPTER 1

HOMICIDAL ASPHYXIATION

Detective Inspector Cotton got out of his car in front of Davis House, a council building that looked very much like a council building, nondescript, functional, probably built in the 1970s with little attention to aesthetic sensibilities. Cotton was there to attend an inquest in the South London Coroner’s Court which is situated on the second floor of the building. Cotton went directly to the examination room where the autopsy was to take place. He and the pathologist Dr Lingfield knew each other so introductions weren’t necessary. The smell of the room was familiar to Cotton but he had never got used to it. The smell of decomposing human flesh and bodily fluids was not pleasant, it always seemed to Cotton that death smelled a little like rotting fruit but he didn’t dwell on these things, he liked to just get on with the job. So what have we got here? Cotton asked. Male Caucasian, 29 years of age, bruising around mouth and nose, cause of death to be determined. Which is what I am about to do now. Dr Lingfield made an incision under the right shoulder of the corpse and cut in a semicircular fashion until he reached beneath the left shoulder. Then he made an incision from the middle of this cut down to the pubic bone until a huge ‘Y’ shaped incision had been made in the corpse. He then started to remove the skin from the ribcage. He did this by pulling it back with his gloved hands until the ribcage was almost completely exposed, then using a special electric saw he sawed through the ribs until he had removed the superior ribcage. He then started to remove the trachea and oesophagus. When he had separated the trachea from the oesophagus he examined both of them. Hmmm, I thought so, he said. He took a large pair of tweezers and started to remove something from both of the tubular structures, this seemed to be a sort of doughy substance with chunks of both dark and light meat. I’m not sure yet but as I know you are anxious for information detective, I would say that this death is due to homicidal asphyxiation. It looks as though someone shoved something down the victim's throat and then, by looking at these cuts and bruises around the nose and mouth, that the killer blocked his airway. The victim inhaled some foodstuff and subsequently died of asphyxiation. Stay if you like, but in any case, I’ll send you my full report later. Cotton thanked the doctor and left.

CHAPTER 2

BISEXUAL, PANSEXUAL OR EVEN NON-BINARY

Slapper had been tossing and turning all night. She couldn’t believe that Johnny had confided in her as he had done about Bucker. Could it be that he was also intimating that something could happen between her and Johnny? He had opened up to her in his subtle way about the doubts he had about Bucker. Look I just have a gut feeling that there’s something funny going on. Johnny had been looking at Slapper who was listening intently. I know you know something about these things Slapper, I heard from someone that it’s part of your job. This is a very serious situation. A while back I saw that he keeps a jar of moisturising cream and a tub of Vaseline in his gear bag. Then, yesterday, I saw him coming out of a gay bar in the company of a male, Johnny declared. Do you think he’s bent? He had inquired. Slapper had been taken aback. At first, she wasn’t sure what Johnny meant. She had stuttered, I’m sure you can trust him, Johnny, you’ve known him a long time, he’s honest, I don’t think he could be involved in criminality of any sort. I don’t mean that, Johnny replied, I mean do you think he’s gay? Slapper always felt a bit shy with Johnny something that never happened to her with anyone else. She didn’t know what to say. I...I...never...thought about th...that Johnny, she said. Johnny continued, Well, I dunno but he’s been acting a bit funny recently. Maybe there is an innocent explanation for these things, Slapper said, and even if Bucker is interested in other men that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay.