The Two Kebabs Trilogy: Johnny Two Kebabs, #7

By Johnny Two Kebabs

Embark on a thrilling journey through the memoirs of Johnny Two Kebabs, the legendary 'conscious vigilante,' in this gripping trilogy of novellas.

 

In the first instalment, "From Russia With Chilli And Garlic Sauce," Johnny uncovers a sinister plot involving a Russian assassination. As he delves deep into the conspiracy, he must navigate a treacherous web of lies and deceit.

 

In the second novella, "How I Found The G Spot," Johnny takes on a different kind of challenge as he investigates the enigmatic conspiracy group known as G-Nome. Along the way, Johnny's own vulnerabilities come to light, revealing the complex layers beneath his valiant facade.

 

Finally, in the third story, "The Mixed Doner Murders," Johnny tackles his most perplexing case yet. As a series of gruesome murders shocks the city, he must unravel the twisted motives behind the notorious 'Mixed Doner Murderer.' With lives hanging in the balance, Johnny's unwavering determination and sharp instincts are put to the ultimate test.

 

These memoirs delve into the depths of Johnny Two Kebabs' psyche. Discover his unique 'philosophy' and the unwavering 'ethical' code that guides his every move as he fervently metes out justice.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Johnny Two Kebabs
• Release date: Feb 19, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224457731

Johnny Two Kebabs

Who is Johnny Two Kebabs? There has been much speculation in recent years as to whether Johnny Two Kebabs really exists. Is it true that on 15th June 2011 after drinking 13 pints of lager, he polished off two doner kebabs in 1 minute 59 seconds? Is Johnny Two Kebabs just an urban legend? Is the song that was written about him and for which the video appears on the internet merely in the tradition of Irish blarney and storytelling? Now, for the first time Johnny has decided to recount his adventures and the events leading up to the historic achievement to which he owes his fame. The importance of Johnny's memoirs is beyond doubt as they establish him as one of the great ‘thinkers’ of modern times and they grant him the recognition he so justly deserves.

Book preview

The Two Kebabs Trilogy

For Paloma

Copyright © 2021 Kieran Mc Kenna

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

CONTENTS

A Note From The Editor

Who Is Johnny Two Kebabs?

From Russia With Chilli And Garlic Sauce

Prologue

1. The Woman Whisperer

2. Body Dandruff

3. The Enforcer

4. More Ass Than A Toilet Seat

5. Maksim

6. Ordinary, Common, Human Decency

7. Two Full-Size Doner Kebabs in One Minute 59 Seconds

8. Completely Disoriented By Johnny's Charm

9. The Most Sophisticated Intelligence Service In The World

10. This Information Belongs To The Kremlin

11. Missionary Position Heterosexual

12. What's Bad For The West Is Good For Russia

13. The Badge And The Gun

14. A Dangerous Escalation

15. Wetwork

16. Facial Recognition Technology

17. Anarcho-Syndicalism

18. I Was Only Doing My Job

19. Large Quantities Of Lager And Kebab Meat

20. Extreme Halitosis

21. The Golden Elixir That Makes Life Worth Living

How I Found The G Spot

1. Unreasonable Demands

2. Primal Half-Man Half-Beast

3. It Is Better To Shove A Red-Hot Poker Down A Man's Neck Than For Him To Full-Throatedly Spout Untruths

4. Long Live The Resistance

5. Someone Has To Heave Them Over The Side

6. Good Little Citizens

7. Moisturising Cream And Vaseline

8. A Face Only A Mother Could Love

9. Natural Hostage Negotiator

10. Muck Monster

11. Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm

12. Activists

13. I'm Not Being Racist

14. Indecent Proposal

15. Johnny Has A Code That He lives By

16. Looking Down the Barrel Of A Browning 9mm Pistol

17. A Wizened Bitter Old Man

The Mixed Doner Murders

Prologue

1. Homicidal Asphyxiation

2. Bisexual, Pansexual Or Even Non-Binary

3. Vice And Sin

4. The Demon Would Mix Truth In With Lies

5. One Of The Nicest Guys You Could Have Met

6. In Ancient Greece, Admiration Of The Male Human Form Was Considered To Be A Virtue

7. 'Micro-Agressions' And 'Micro-Affirmations'

8. Slither Down The Oesophagus

9. I Hate Them They Is Pigs

10. The Joo Joo Girl

11. This Time We Found A Footprint On Bryan's Face

12. 'Chip Butties' And 'Fried Egg Sandwiches'

13. Better Would It Be For Him To Have A Millstone Tied Around His Neck And Be Thrown Into The River Liffey

14. Little Shots To The Sides Of The Groin Right Below The Hip

15. An Odour Strong Enough To Interfere With Normal Breathing

16. Would Ye Dishonour The Badge?

17. I Think I Am Maybe What Is Known Today As Unbinary

18. There’s Always One Rotten Apple In The Barrel

Johnny Two Kebabs - The Prequel - 1. Trust No One Believe Nothing

Also By This Author

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

I was delighted to have been asked again by Johnny to edit this trilogy made up of the first three volumes of his memoirs. In these pages, Johnny exposes the truth not only about how he thwarted a Russian assassination and a series of bombings in the UK but also how he solved the infamous ‘Mixed Doner Murders’ case.

Working with Johnny was, for me, hugely rewarding while at the same time demanding. It is difficult, at times, to keep up with a finely honed cutting-edge intellect like Johnny's. His keen insight into human nature and the workings of the human mind is clearly demonstrated in these pages. So, once again, I have confined myself to correcting some typos and spelling mistakes and other than that I have left Johnny to tell his story.

Again, I should point out to the reader that Johnny tends to speak about himself in the third person, so instead of saying, for instance, I'll have some chilli sauce with that mate, he tends to say, Johnny will have some chilli sauce with that mate. This is something I haven't changed in the text so that the reader can enjoy the authenticity of Johnny's narrative

Kieran Mc Kenna

WHO IS JOHNNY TWO KEBABS?

There has been much speculation in recent years as to whether Johnny Two Kebabs really exists. Is it true that on 15 June 2011, after drinking 13 pints of lager, he polished off two doner kebabs in 1 minute 59 seconds? Is Johnny Two Kebabs just an urban legend? Is the song that was written about him and for which the video appears on the internet just in the tradition of Irish blarney and storytelling - a type of Celtic mythology about larger-than-life figures? Were the comics that mysteriously appeared on the internet in 2020 just fake news?

In these memoirs, some of the answers to these questions are revealed. In addition to how Johnny operates behind the scenes in his fight against evil, we also learn about his ‘philosophy’ and the ‘ethical’ code by which he lives.

It is no exaggeration to say that Johnny is one of the great ‘thinkers’ of our times as well as being a man of action relentless in his pursuit of justice and righteousness.

THE TWO KEBABS TRILOGY

JOHNNY TWO KEBABS

FROM RUSSIA WITH CHILLI AND GARLIC SAUCE

PROLOGUE

Written before the invasion of Ukraine by Russia, Johnny’s memoirs provide us with a unique and insightful analysis of Russia’s policies towards the West and dissident critics of its regime. Along with the men and women who work tirelessly to protect us against the aggression of foreign powers, we encounter Johnny, whose approach, while unorthodox, is hugely effective against the foreign powers that would seek to undermine the West. In this memoir the author reveals himself to be one of the principal protagonists in a drama that unfolded in the UK in the recent past. Though modest about his contribution to national security, it is clear that Johnny plays a key role in maintaining a deterrent effect on Russia’s external intelligence agencies.

CHAPTER 1

THE WOMAN WHISPERER

The sunlight was streaming in through the window of Johnny’s flat on Josephine Avenue in the heart of Brixton. He was naked and had forgotten to put the sheet in front of the window before going to bed. Johnny used a sheet as a curtain. He kept meaning to buy a new curtain, but it was not high on his list of priorities. He had a terrible hangover. This was not unusual. He had drunk a lot of lager the previous night, or maybe it was because he had mixed his lager with cider (this was something he always regretted). Cider’s a woman’s drink, he liked to say, but he was usually willing to drink some, particularly if someone else was paying for it, as had been the case the previous evening.

Coming back to the waking state was always a slow process for Johnny and it was not made any easier by a splitting headache. The previous evening he had been with George and Charlie in The Auld Sod, a local public house. Johnny had known George and Charlie ever since his arrival in London. They were commonly known as The Bolshevik Brothers; the reason for this was their extreme left-wing-communist beliefs. Johnny found these views quite amusing and he liked to goad them into arguments where they would have to defend their Marxist-Leninist tenets. During these discussions he would usually bring up their means of livelihood, which was buying old houses, renovating them and reselling them for a profit. They had become quite well-off from this business and Johnny got a great kick out of sneering at the Champagne and Caviar Communists as he liked to call them. George and Charlie didn’t perceive any conflict between their manner of making a living and their political views. They were in thrall to the idea that they were living in a society ruled by an oppressive regime which forced them, through no fault of their own, to live as grasping capitalists.

He lit a cigarette and put the kettle on, desperate for some caffeine. Throwing a spoon of instant coffee into a mug, he rubbed his eyes. What time did I get back at? How did I get home? Who was I with? The questions flooded through his brain. He could remember vaguely leaving The Auld Sod and going in the direction of the kebab shop. He knew he had eaten a kebab because he could feel bits of the meat paste between his teeth and there was a faint smell of chilli sauce from his T-shirt. He seemed to remember a blonde woman who spoke with a foreign accent accompanying him home in a taxi. He remembered getting into the taxi on the corner of Brixton Hill and Coldharbour Lane, but precious little after that. Had she been here in his flat? His hand went down to his crotch – of course, now he remembered. He recalled the two of them on the bed, how afterwards she had said to him, Thank you Johnny for make me the love, and how when she had started yapping like a hairdresser on amphetamines, he had thrown her out. But there was something bothering him – there was something unusual. He went back into his room and there it was beside the bed. He hadn’t seen it when he first got up - a bottle of Russian vodka. It was still half full and beside it was a crushed, dirty brown envelope. It was not unusual for Johnny to find foreign objects in his apartment after a tryst, but usually, it was in the form of knickers down the side of the couch or something similar. This time there was just something different about the place. Memories started returning. The evening had started in The Auld Sod - he had been there with the Bolshevik Brothers. He had drunk his usual Friday night 10 to 12 pints of lager... they had met some people... a guy called Sergei... a woman... on to the kebab shop... a challenge, then a frenzied kebab-eating contest, the gnashing of teeth, slurping and shouts from all around, Go, Johnny! Go on Johnny! Johnny instinctively knew he had won the contest. He felt a sudden wave of pride in his achievements. A vision of his conquest of the evening came to him, and he smiled to himself. Anna - it was as if a voice had spoken in his ear. Yes, that was her name, Anna. In spite of his personal hygiene and crude manner, Johnny seemed to exert a mysterious attraction over females, so much so that in certain circles he had come to be known as the woman whisperer.

Johnny knew he was at his peak. He was popular, he could drink any man under the table, he could punish two doner kebabs in the record time of 1 minute 59 seconds. This feat had been recognised at the time as an achievement that paralleled Roger Bannister breaking the 4-minute mile. It was unprecedented. His fame had spread throughout London and he had heard that he was even spoken of in places as far afield as Liverpool and Birmingham. He was pleased with himself. At first, he just smiled at the bottle as if at a good memory, then he took a look inside the envelope and his blood ran cold. Written on a piece of paper, which was wrapped around a USB memory stick, were the words for Scotland Yard.

CHAPTER 2

BODY DANDRUFF

As he tended to do when he was nonplussed, Johnny sat around for a few minutes, lit a cigarette and scratched himself. This was a nervous habit which had started when he had caught a dose of scabies in a cheap hotel room in King’s Cross. One night he had brought a young lady back to a hotel in front of St Pancras station. The room had been rented for only an hour, but the consequences had remained. He had managed to get rid of the parasites through a lotion the doctor had prescribed, but the experience meant that in future when he felt nervous he would begin to scratch himself. He would start with his chest and would scratch until bits of skin started to flake off, creating a sort of body dandruff; then he would move to his armpits, where he would scrape away for a minute or two. Finally, he would finish by scratching his scalp in a circular motion.

Johnny was originally from Dublin. He came from an Irish Catholic family. His father was a bank clerk and his mother worked as a shop assistant. They hadn’t been poor growing up but they hadn’t been rich either. Johnny had two older twin brothers, a younger brother, and a sister, Maureen, the youngest. With five children there had not been a lot of extra money to spend on luxuries, and even if the children had most of the essentials, times were sometimes hard.

It was probably as a result of his experiences as a child that Johnny had developed his eccentric eating habits. The four brothers were incredibly competitive and the sibling rivalry extended to eating. Any spare food in the house would be devoured by the twin brothers, who would, at times, try to distract Johnny and his younger brother so as to catch them off guard and grab something from their plates. Whereas knives and forks were used for eating in most families, in Johnny’s they were used more for defence of their food than anything else. Another tactic that Johnny and his brothers employed to protect their plates (when their mother wasn’t looking) would be to expectorate on the food as soon as it was placed in front of them. However, this did not always work, particularly with a good piece of steak, as a bit of saliva was not a sufficient enough deterrent when the reward was a good cut of meat.

Later in life, these childhood traumas would manifest themselves in ways which would draw attention to Johnny. An illustration of this was when he would clear his throat, snort with his nose and then spit onto his second kebab before eating the first. He would subsequently look defiantly at the other customers in the kebab shop as if daring them to try to take his fare. Achmed, the kebab shop owner, had spoken to him about this after a complaint had been made about Johnny's behaviour in this regard. This had almost created a rift between Johnny and Achmed, but it was on that occasion that the two had discovered to what extent they needed each other. The loss would have been too great for either of them to bear. Achmed would lose his best customer and Johnny would lose the place he frequented most after The Auld Sod. Achmed’s kebab shop was in many ways the nerve centre of Johnny’s fame and social life. In some manner, it was as if Achmed and Johnny were bound together by the threads of destiny. Johnny didn’t like it, Johnny didn’t take orders from anyone, but now when he got two kebabs he tended to hide the second one behind him on his chair rather than spit on it.

A psychoanalyst would probably have said that this hoarding was a survival mechanism that Johnny had learned as a child but that it no longer served a purpose in his adult life. This was quite true: his fear of his sustenance being unjustly taken from him ran deep. His mindset was, There may never be enough, so don’t leave anything to chance - get yours first.

Johnny had left Ireland at the tender age of 17 to escape to London, where he joined some friends who lived in a squat. After a number of years of living rent-free - this was at a time when the councils couldn’t afford to renovate flats and often left them empty for long periods - he had eventually been offered his own flat by the council. At that time, Lambeth Council in south London was trying to do away with squatting and to this end was offering squatters the opportunity to become official council tenants. Johnny had taken this opportunity and was now living in a council flat in Brixton. He drew the dole and availed of housing benefit, so he was effectively still living rent-free, and he was something of an expert at taking advantage of any government assistance on offer. He also sold cheap rolling tobacco, which he bought wholesale from a Jamaican who lived on Acre Lane. He had in the past dealt in soft drugs, but a year previously he had been convicted of a drug-related offence; next time he could