The Edge of Everything: Divine Intermission, #3

By L. David Hesler

Carl is the Wondrous Blunder. He is a cosmic mistake who is somehow the only being capable of preventing an apocalypse known as the Divine Intermission, the moment when all heavenly creators give up on their creations and take one last eternal break.

His life has not been easy.

Carl is accidentally immortal, his best friend is an annoying and otherworldly being named Chip, and his most recent vacation was to a pocket universe called The Infinite Beach, where he found himself face to face with a retired deity.

It is after parting from this immaculate tropical paradise that we rejoin Carl and his friends on their quest to fix the multiverse. With Chip having taken the form of a mammoth sea turtle, Carl sets sail on his friend's back armed with encyclopedias, fruit, and an ancient magical toaster.

The Cosmic Swing of Things hangs in the balance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: L. David Hesler
• Release date: Aug 5, 2017
• ISBN: 9781540176769

L. David Hesler

L. David Hesler is an author of horror, fantasy, and science fiction for teen and adult readers. He currently produces the horror fiction podcast Bad Notes; he also co-produces the Be Mega Podcast, where he spends a few hours every week creating absurd super heroes with his friend Adam Martens. When he isn’t crafting weird tales, he is either pounding away on a Schecter guitar in his home studio or he’s trying to catch up on a reading list that’s been growing since 1995. L. David Hesler’s work includes the short story collection “Prismatica,”the ongoing novella series “Divine Intermission,” and the YA fantasy novel, “Children of Aerthwheel.” His poetry and short fiction have appeared in the literary magazines “New Wine,” “The Ivy Review,” and “State of Imagination.” His original play “Public Domain” was produced in 2012. He has also published the YA fantasy adventure “Roswell Newton,” a re-imagining of his own independently produced web comic “The Adventures of Roswell Newton.” Hesler has also written and performed music for several alternative rock albums with the bands DeepSkyTraveler and The Pale Hypnotic. In 2011, he released an album of music inspired by his novel “Children of Aerthwheel.” Occasionally, he performs live music in the virtual world of Second Life. For approximately seven years, Hesler was heavily involved in local theater to the point that he co-founded a production company that ran performances of “The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged)” from 2000 to 2003. As you read this text, he’s probably thinking of ways to simultaneously give you goosebumps and make you giggle. Be warned.

Book preview

The story of Yor the Repealed is a brief one and is quite useful as a reference for any god-in-training who wants to know exactly how not to create a cosmos.

Strictly speaking, Yor was a magnificent deity. He had the enormous and slightly curled golden locks of a timeless rock star, the melancholy eyes of an eternal romantic, and the prominent chin of a top rate immortal being. However, what he presented in physical prowess was only a distraction from his utter lack of any kind of artistic ability.

As a matter of fact, Yor was also a magnificent dunce. Once a person got to know him, they immediately wished their relationship with him a dream, or at least a nightmare from which they might soon wake up screaming for coherent thought.

Creatures in Yor's impaired universe tended to have no mouths or auditory orifices. Starvation became a problem and communication was reduced to a sloppy system of groping and untidy sexual behavior. Struggling to find a solution for his creations, Yor the Repealed tried to institute an evolutionary turn of events that resulted in most mammals and a handful of invertebrates attempting to consume food by way of the anus. This particular evolutionary trait resulted in an inevitable depletion of the general populace so great in number that the Grand Elders of the League of Malevolent Makers voted to end Yor's active league membership, thus booting him out of pre-existence and non-existence altogether. The unfortunate Yor was wholly canceled and his particular attempt at a cosmos was promptly deleted for the good of all gods and creation.

The mistakes made by Yor were put into textbooks for future generations of gods-in-training to study. He was the subject of a best-selling book titled What Not To Do On The Occasion That You Find Yourself Blessed With The Ability to Make Worlds. For a short time, he also became the poster child for a rebellious group of younger-looking hipster gods who sported the cumbersome slogan, Orifices are for Wusses. This gang of misguided young deities, after trying to replicate Yor's own attempt at creating a cosmos, soon discovered that there was really nothing good to come out of a civilization without orifices, except that things tended to be quite peaceful until the painful hunger blossomed.

Again, Yor's example was reiterated as being quite silly and most of the league's members put his creations out of mind.

For a time, the multitude of universes constructed and maintained within the confines of Elysium Inc . were peaceful , if not somewhat mundane. Mortals were born, lived brief lives of meaningless frustration and hopeless lovemaking, and eventually died. Worlds collided, suns exploded, and the League of Malevolent Makers was satisfied. The days of Yor were forgotten, or at the very least ignored unless used in case-study projects for the younger creators.

Of course, this story isn't about Yor.

This tale is about a mistake named Carl. Despite his many lifetimes as a recycled soul, he never learned about Yor the Repealed. Perhaps it would have made a difference in the long run.

Probably not.

1.

––––––––

Where are we? Carl asked.

This was the seventeenth time he had asked the same question in the past five hours. Surrounded on all sides by a depressingly calm ocean, Carl had begun to get restless. The persistent paradise known as the Infinite Beach was barely a speck on the horizon somewhere behind and now there was only the impending sense that Carl had somehow managed to float into one of the lower, quieter levels of a very wet Hell.

Do you really expect me to answer that question? Chip asked.

He was quite good at being a sea beast. He swam with gusto and never seemed to tire. Though he wheezed through two slotted nostrils beneath his cold reptilian eyes, he was nonetheless a superb long-distance swimmer. Carl would never admit this.

By now , Carl said, gazing at the dizzyingly stationary horizon, I don't expect much of an answer about anything.

As if to agree with Carl's assessment of Chip's question-answering abilities, the drunken raccoon belched. This creature, a bit plump and too lanky to be a real raccoon, had boarded the top of Chip's question-answering abilities, the drunken raccoon belched. This creature, a bit plump and too lanky to be a real raccoon, had boarded the top of Chip's shell as they set out for their sea voyage from the Infinite Beach. It drank what few bottles of rum it had carried on board and now simply belched from time to time . When