How to Appear Normal at Social Events: And Other Essential Wisdom

By Lord Birthday

How to Appear Normal at Social Events is an oddly cheering book of illustrated lists. Largely based on Lord Birthday's popular Instagram account, the book offers excessively absurd, occasionally wise advice on topics ranging from finding your life's purpose to defending yourself against forest clowns. (Hint: Set an oatmeal trap.)
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Mar 6, 2018
• ISBN: 9781449490263

Book preview

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How to Appear Normal at Social Events copyright © 2018 by Lord Birthday. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

Andrews McMeel Publishing

a division of Andrews McMeel Universal

1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

ISBN: 978-1-4494-9025-6

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017949325

Editor: Melissa Rhodes

Art Director: Holly Swayne

Production Editor: Amy Strassner

Production Manager: Tamara Haus

Digital Production: Kristen Minter

attention: schools and businesses

Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department:

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Lord Birthday is the creation of Chad Murphy. Chad lives in Oregon, under a pine tree near the sea.

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For Mindy

blank spacein 100 years nobody will remember usblank spacehow to appear normal at social events

Wear a hat. Do not wear a helmet. No helmets.

Talk to people. Do not gather mice and raise up a choir unto the Lord.

Say things like, How are you? Never say, Boo boo ding dong doo doo. Why would you say that?

Have a drink. Do not disrobe. Robe = stays on.

Eat an hors d’oeuvre. Do not suck on a balled-up napkin. Good God.

Scan the crowd for a suitable lover. Do not loudly announce that this is what you are doing.

Dance to the music. Do not flop around, foam flying from your mouth. Be sturdy and full of hope.

Ask people for their phone numbers. If they decline, do not dive into the nearest garbage can.

Say goodbye to everyone. Do not say you will see them in hell. It is not funny. It is true. You are all going to hell.

yes and no illustrationsblank space6 ways to stay motivated when you feel like giving up

Remember your goals. What are your goals? Do a jewel heist is not a goal. It is a crime.

Ignore your critics. They are depressed. Send them flowers. Also poison. Send flowers and poison.

Go outside and feel the air. Yes it burns. Yes it smells like shaggy ass. But still: air.

Celebrate small wins. Eat a donut. Eat two. Do not eat five. Do not eat twelve. Do not legally change your name to Donuts Robinson or Creamy Martinez. Relax. Good Lord.

Be easier on yourself. Did you mean to toss that windbag Chad into the ocean blue? Your lawyer says you did not. Forget about it!

Drink caffeine. Do not snort caffeine. No. Snort nothing but the fine pink powder of success.

What are your goals, Jim? To Quit Immediately and live among the pigeonsblank spacehow to be an artist in 17 easy stepsblank space

Flute Maggle

Screamin’ Boo Winkums

Jessween

Thicknit

Esquire Crunchnuts

Canopy Sweetbibs

Thunderton Dip

Jefferson Shortcrust

Jellycrutch Martingale

International Crab Cakes

Teak Huddlebong

Hothands Vina Stella Labeena

Dr. Timothy Munch

Ol’ Banana Chips

Viceroy Rubbins

Professor Gabriel Furr

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Monday: set a goal you will never accomplish

Tuesday: start an argument you will never win

Wednesday: read about a city you will never visit

Thursday: eat a corn dog you will never digest

Friday: have a conversation you will never remember

Saturday: yearn for a person you will never meet

Sunday: pray to a god you will never see

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Cough loudly. Say, I am dying like in the movies. Reveal a red-spattered napkin.