Do You Love Me?: Learning to Love in a Way That Can Be Recognized and Felt

By Craig L. Adams Ph.D.

It is a fairly common phenomenon for one or both individuals in a dating or marital relationship to sometimes wonder whether they are truly loved by their partner, especially once they have evolved beyond the infatuation phase. This book provides a very simple and pragmatic process anyone can implement to determine the degree to which one is loved and it is an excellent teaching tool the reader can learn to implement to ensure their partner can recognize and feel the love the reader has for them.

The author places tremendous emphasis upon the identification of one\'s unique constellation or grouping of needs (physical, emotional, spiritual) and the unique clusters of needs possessed by one\'s love target. This is because our motivation to respond to our environment, our interpretation of what is occurring to us and around us, and our emotional response to those interpretations are all directly determined by our needs. Consequently, individuals in a relationship can experience difficulty understanding why their partners physically and emotionally respond so differently than themselves when they encounter similar situations.. This process of misunderstanding or not recognizing the uniquely different clusters of needs each person possesses frequently results in the mistaken effort of demonstrating one\'s love in the manner they actually wish to have love demonstrated to themselves, totally missing the desires of their partner. Simply put, we tend to love in the manner we wish to be loved rather than in a way that can be recognized and felt by our partners.

The primary ingredient of true love is the willingness to sacrifice part of oneself for the benefit of another. The operational definition of love that resonates throughout this book is:

\"Acknowledging the needs of another person and being willing to sacrifice one\'s own needs to ensure the needs of that other person are satisfied.\"

This book teaches how to identify the needs of the reader as well as those of the reader\'s love object. It then assists the reader in accurately determining the amount of work (sacrifice) that will be required of each individual in order for both parties to feel consistently loved throughout the duration of a long-term relationship such as marriage. The reader is taught how to systematically develop testing \"laboratories\" or scenarios to accurately determine a potential partner\'s willingness to sacrifice their needs to ensure the needs of the reader will be met, once the reader has determined the love object is an individual in whom the reader is willing to invest (sacrifice their needs for).

This book is intended to be an efficient tool for all counselors, therapists, pastors, couples, and individuals who read it with a desire to improve relationships and marriages.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 17, 2024
• ISBN: 9798890436276

Book preview

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Do You Love Me?

Learning to Love in a Way That Can Be Recognized and Felt

Craig L. Adams, Ph.D.

ISBN 979-8-89043-626-9 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-89043-649-8 (hardcover)

ISBN 979-8-89043-627-6 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Craig L. Adams, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1

Since You Don't Know Me by Now, Maybe You'll Never, Never Know Me (Harry and Christina)

Chapter 2

What Do Needs Have to Do with It? (Our Needs Are Our Primary Motivators)

Chapter 3

Heaven Must Have Uniquely Made You Just for Me (Personal Need Hierarchies and How They Are Developed)

Chapter 4

Ain't That Peculiar How You So Strongly React to Some Things? (High Needs: How We Choose What We Do)

Chapter 5

I Will Die for You (Love Is Sacrifice)

Chapter 6

Give Me Just a Little More Time to See If My Love Will Surely Grow (Time and Patience)

Chapter 7

If It Feels Like This Getting Used, Then I Just Cannot Let You Use Me Up (Deal-Breakers)

Chapter 8

Just My Interpretations Running Away with Me (Our Needs Determine How We Interpret Our World)

Chapter 9

They Told Me I Better Shop Around (The Laboratory Assessment)

Chapter 10

My La, La, La, La Meant I Love You (Speaking a New Language to Demonstrate Your Love)

Chapter 11

The Unnecessary Tracks of My Tears (Needs and Power)

Chapter 12

ABC, 123, That's How Easy Love Can Be (Avoid Judging, Better Assess Needs, Conclude with Love Responses)

Appendix A: A List of Needs

Appendix B: A New Language of Love

Appendix C: Biblical Verses Referenced

Diagram A: CBT, REBT, and Impact of Needs

References

About the Author

Acknowledgments

This book could not have been completed had it not been for the support and assistance of the following individuals. First of all, I am extremely thankful for the loving support, tolerance, and proofreading provided by my indispensable wife, Ann. I am also especially thankful for evangelist Lisa Smith and Dr. Constance Williams, who initially provided me with the greatest encouragement to put my ideas to print and then held me accountable to the completion of the manuscript as they guided me through the entire literary process. I am also appreciative of the encouragement and the continuously edited readings provided by my daughter, Shelisa Jackson.

My having been born with an excessive amount of lingering dinosaur DNA leaves me extremely grateful for my longstanding friend and brother in Christ, Patrick Action Jackson, who quickly tired of my handwritten documents and blessed me with my first laptop, complete with the technical assistance I desperately needed to learn how to use the electronic enigma. I also thank my grandson Xavier Adams for his technical assistance while my wife and I were traveling. My dear friend Edwin Bolds, who was the best man at my wedding thirty-seven years ago, also provided me with wonderful technical assistance in formatting the book and, more importantly, willingly joined the cadre of male readers recruited to assure me that my writings were not leaning toward a female bias.

Other essential male readers include Noah Word, who provided me with excellent insight as to how the book read and which population of readers might be most and/or least connected with various writing styles.

I appreciate the feedback I received from my grandson Emmanuale King Jr. and my urban erudite son, Marcellus Adams, who not only provided me with his personal analysis of the writings but also the responses from his barbershop affiliates as he would philosophize upon the principles presented in the book. I am also deeply indebted to Anthony Woods, Esq., who provided me with all the legal consultation required and personally walked me through the initial copyright process.

My highest gratefulness and acknowledgment go to God, who, after several of my fruitless endeavors to write this book on my own, finally informed me through prayer that should I honor His Sabbath, then He would write the book. Immediately on the dedication of my Saturdays toward rest, reviewing past television church services and worshipping Him, God took my hand and literally put pen to paper, producing the manuscript. Consequently, the writing style is not typically my own, but the concepts I wanted to present were clearly depicted and penned in a flowing continuum, which I was originally totally unable to produce.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

Hopefully, this book will be an efficient tool for all counselors, therapists, pastors, individuals, and couples who read it with a desire to improve relationships and marriages.

Thanks,

Craig

Introduction

During my forty-five years of providing psychotherapy and/or counseling to individuals, couples, and families, and especially throughout the last thirty-one years of working in my private practice in Hayward, California, I grew increasingly aware that a significant percentage of couples in committed relationships are not certain they are truly loved by their partner. Working with couples in premarital counseling would bring out issues that assisted me in understanding why the participants would question the degree to which or if they were truly loved. My more-painful cases (and yes, unlike most therapists, I admit that I would more often than not become emotionally impacted by what my clients were experiencing) involved couples who had been married for many years but still questioned whether they were or ever had been loved by their spouses.

Most people are aware that over the last five decades, the divorce rate in the United States had been constantly climbing until approximately the last decade, when it appeared to plateau at about 50 percent. I believe the deceleration in rising divorce rates is the result of significantly fewer adults choosing marriage in the first place. Cultural norms and mores have changed, with couples choosing not to marry, women and men wishing to remain childless, unmarried couples starting families, single-parenting, and divorce having all become the non-stigmatized norm. Currently, when marriages do occur, it is almost more of a business or living arrangement contract rather than a complete physical, emotional, and spiritual union of individuals committed to remaining together for life.

I wrote this book with the primary agenda of

assisting people who are considering making a lifelong commitment (marriage) learn to identify if they are truly loved by their potential spouse;

assisting people who are considering making a lifelong commitment (marriage) learn to identify exactly what work they are going to have to carry out to keep their potential spouse eager to remain married;

enlightening married couples as to what they can do to enhance their ability to have their love be better recognized or felt by their partner; and

providing married individuals who believe their marriage is already on the rocks the necessary and effectively proven tools to get their marriages afloat once again in the sea of love.

I know, at this point, the reading appears to be yet another how-to book on helping couples improve their marriages, and I guess, in a general way, it is. However, this book goes considerably deeper in that by reading and understanding the information provided, you will probably for the first time begin to decipher what makes you tick, what causes you to make every decision, every move, every statement that you think you choose to make. And then you will learn how to read others (spouse, friends, children, coworkers, etc.) and will begin to understand how they choose to make their every decision, move, and statement. And if you get to know the other person extremely well, you will eventually be able to determine what that other person is going to do in various situations before they know what they would do. In fact, if a scenario was presented and the other person was asked, What would you do under the presented circumstances? they usually would respond with an answer of what they would want to do or what they hoped they would do. However, if you took the time to know the person extremely well by using the techniques and information provided in this book, you would more accurately know how the other person would respond.

The paragraph above may sound a little hokey or exaggerated or even spooky to some, but the concepts to be outlined are not totally unique or new. Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages: The Secret of Love that Lasts, in an umbrella fashion, touches on the principles I intend to outline; and Willard Harley's His Needs/Her Needs reflects similar principles and frequently even uses the same vocabulary I use in this book. However, this book will provide you with specific awareness of how to get out of your own way as you attempt to improve your marriage and, for those couples considering marriage, how to determine exactly what degree of work and sacrifice will be necessary to maintain a happy, healthy marriage for the duration. No matter what your original opinion of this book may have been prior to reading the first few paragraphs, something is going on that caused you to pick the book up and begin reading. So what have you got to lose in joining me on this flight to improve your relationships?

Too often in failing marriages or in the repeated difficulties single people encounter when trying to establish and maintain a healthy relationship with a potential spouse, the realization can emerge that the harder they try, the more problems seem to be created. Healthy marital relationships require a lot of work and personal sacrifice, but if done correctly, the pleasant results are worth every calorie of energy expended. My primary premise is that we are all selfish creatures from birth who incessantly develop agendas based upon our egocentricity or selfishness (conscious or subconscious). We have to constantly learn how to view others' concerns outside of our own. As an example, a toddler learning to walk with an agenda of reaching a toy on the far side of the childcare-facility playroom has to learn that she/he will have a negative impact upon the other toddlers playing on the floor if she/he should step on any of the other toddlers' fingers while completing their mission. Into adulthood, we have to learn how satisfying our agendas can inadvertently negatively impact people around us who we may truly care about. Our agendas involve our lifelong attempt to satisfy our needs, but we must continually learn to remain aware of how satisfying our needs may be negatively impacting the needs of our loved ones. Or put another way, throughout adulthood, as we learn to efficiently walk through our life agendas (satisfying our needs), we must learn to remain consciously aware of the fingers, toes, and hearts (needs) of the loved ones we may be inadvertently stepping on. I refer to this trend of unawareness as flying blind.

When pilots are taught to fly an airplane, they are made aware of the fact that situations may occur when clouds, smog, or fog will prevent them from being able to see what is ahead of and around them. Flying too low can easily result in a devastating crash landing, and flying too high or wide of the charted path can enhance the possibility of a collision with another aircraft. Pilots who are convinced they can use their gut feelings or intuition to remain on track and fly through the visual obstructions occasionally do not safely arrive at their intended destination. Fortunately, most aircraft are equipped with radar and other electronic monitors that will inform the pilots of their proximity to surrounding physical obstacles. The pilots learn to surrender their guesstimates and become increasingly dependent upon the aircraft's electronic monitoring devices in order to safely reach their intended landing sites.

Couples in relationships often initially join together because of feelings of emotional and/or physical attraction, intuitively believing they have finally found the right person with whom to partner in marriage (often even if family and/or friends are sounding off alert signals). Relying primarily upon positive feelings without logically understanding the triggers or causes of the feelings, the individuals commit to marriage while flying blind. A lot of pain and frustration can be avoided if this book is used as one of God's relationship-flight monitoring devices to increase the probability of developing a healthy, secure, loving marriage while avoiding the totally emotion-based marital decisions that frequently terminate in crashes because of an inability to clearly perceive exactly who is being selected as a potential spouse and a lack of understanding as to which needs will have to be incessantly sacrificed in order for the marriage to survive. I am convinced that the majority of today's ridiculously high number of divorces are because of couples committing to marriage while flying blind.

Now, please do not read the above statement to believe I don't see emotions as an important part of our marital decision-making. In fact, our emotions are a critical part of every decision we make in life because we initially respond emotionally, not logically, to our needs. Until we learn otherwise, we are simply not aware as to which of our needs (the dials on our God-given flight panel) are triggering the positive or negative emotions. Consequently, until properly trained to read the needs gauge on our flight