Years of Tears

By Karen Block

I lived with DID or, as most people call it, split personalities. I lived this way most of my life. There are thousands of people that live this way, but just like me, they are afraid people would look down on them or make fun of them once they were diagnosed. They, like me, will not understand what a very hard life it is to live this kind of life. I am not only writing for the people that suffer from DID, but I'm writing it for the families that live with this horrible condition, and so maybe they can love and understand unconditionally.

Hopefully, people with DID can find a Christian counselor so they will understand more of what they are going through and get help. Everyone that has DID had some kind of trauma in their early life, and God gave us a way to handle what happened to us through our other personalities. I pray that by the end of my book, people will feel hope and love again, even against those that hurt them. My prayer is that this book reaches hundreds of people and their families while they do the very hard work it takes to get healed. And trust me, one can get healed because I did through our Lord Jesus Christ. God bless you all, and my heart truly goes out to you all! I have to thank God first for my amazing healing, but I have to thank all my amazing counselors for never giving up on me: Terry, Sue, and Dawn. And of course, my amazing husband, Robert, whom the Lord sent to me. I love you all dearly!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9798888518731

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

About the Author

cover.jpg

Years of Tears

Karen Block

ISBN 979-8-88851-872-4 (Paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88851-873-1 (Digital)

Copyright © 2023 Karen Block

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

Chapter 1

DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

My name is Karen. It is just Karen. For most of my life, I shared my mind and my body with several other people. I was finally diagnosed with DID, but most people know it as split personalities. My hope and prayer is that I can educate people on this subject and help those living their life with DID. There is supposed to be 3.5 million people that suffer with this, but I believe the number is higher. So many people are misdiagnosed if they get help at all. I know for me I was always telling myself I was crazy because I did not understand what I was going through. Sometimes, I did not act like Karen at all, but I could not stop until Karen came back.

Everyone has their own story of how their DID affected their life and how they tried to cope with it, but we all started out the same way. We all had a traumatic experience early in our lives, which in turn caused us to develop a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma. Living with DID is a horrible way to live, and my heart goes out to all of these brave people. It seems so unfair that you have to go through that entire trauma to end up trying to live a normal life, but there is nothing normal about DID.

I will tell you about my different personalities. First, there was Cindy. She was just a baby. She could not walk or talk. I am not sure how old she was, but I know she was very young. She did not show up a lot that I am aware of. Then there was Sarah; she was twelve years old. She loved to play with toys. When adults play with kids, they get bored with them easily, so it is easier to just put on a fun movie. But for me, I really had fun. I would even go out and buy toys so I could teach my granddaughter how to build a fort with Lincoln Logs. I could spend hours with her and just had so much fun. We would turn on the fireplace and drink hot chocolate and eat ice cream. It was just so much fun. Then there was Suzane (that is the way she spells her name). She was thirteen years old. She was always my quiet one. Kathy was next. She was fifteen years old, and did she ever act like a teenager! She was rebellious, mouthy, and could be very rude. She would dress like a teenager and was hard to deal with at times.

Then there was George. He never told me his age. I had been admitted to the hospital because they were not really sure of what was wrong with me. I will tell you more about this later in the book, but that night, I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I saw the face of a grumpy old man. He was bald on top of his head, but he had long, gray hair coming down on the sides. I asked him who he was, and he said he was George. I looked away from the mirror because I did not want to be an old grumpy man. Then I looked back at the mirror, and he was back. I again asked him his name, and again, he said his name was George. I ran out of the bathroom then because I was afraid. As soon as I left the bathroom, I forgot all about it until later in my life.

The best help you can give someone with DID is to find a good Christian counselor and to have a good, loving, and supportive family (more on this later). Someone that loves you no matter what and no matter who you are, instead of people telling you to stop acting like that because it is impossible to do until something happens to make you come back into the real you. It is like someone that does not have DID to stop acting like they do, but they can't because it is who they are.

Chapter 2

The Truth

The truth means a lot to me, and it should be to everyone. But why is it so hard for us to speak the truth, especially when it comes to our own personal lives? I heard a person ask a man why he lied so much, and his answer was Because I can! That is such an awful answer on so many levels. If you do not know your Bible, I suggest you get it out, dust it off, and learn it. Sometimes, the truth might be hard for you because of your age. If you are too young, it is hard to understand and too painful if there are ugly truths waiting for you. Others seem to want to make up a fantasy life so they can be their own hero to their story, or make up some truths that are false to make everything all better if they want to make up a new hero that does not exist. Still, others want to search out the truth, no matter what the cost or personal pain they have to go through to find the truth and the freedom that truth brings us.

I started my search for the truth about twenty-four years ago. My first granddaughter was born, and I fell so deeply in love with her the moment I saw her! I wanted to be the best grandmother I could be to this beautiful child. I knew I had failed my daughter in so many ways, and I hurt deeply for it. I had no idea what was truly ahead of me or what was wrong with me, so the long search began.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those.

Who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1 KJV)

Chapter 3

The Beginning

To understand my story, we have to go back to the beginning of it all.

My earliest childhood memory was when I was about one year old. I had two older brothers. One was named Larry. He was about eight years older than me. Then there was Gene. He was two years older than I was. One day, we all went to the lake for a picnic. I remember I could walk a little bit but still needed some help. My mother told Larry to take me by the hand and take me out in the water. I remember seeing this piece of land that was extending out in the water from the shore. When we got around that piece of land, I could not see my parents anymore, and I could not understand why he took me so far away from them. Suddenly, he pushed me down in the water and was holding me down. I could feel his hands pushing down on my shoulders. I must have started to fight to get out of the water because I started spinning around in the water and I couldn't breathe. Suddenly, I was pulled up and out of the water, but I did not know the answer would come years later. I was hysterical when I got out of the water and went to my mom. I knew what happened but did not have the vocabulary to tell her.

When I was about four years old, I asked my mom to read me a bedtime story. She said she would but that it would be a while, so she told me to go to bed and wait for her. So like all children, I waited and waited. Finally, I got up to see what was taking so long. My mother met me in the hallway and told me to go back to bed and that she would be there as soon as she could. I went back to bed for a while, but this time, I was getting impatient, so I crawled out of my bed and crawled down the hallway. I was close enough to hear what was going on, but no one could see me. I heard Larry crying like a baby and saying how much he hated me. Then I heard my mother say, I know you do. I was crushed. I crawled back to bed and covered up my head because I was crying, and I did not want anyone to know. I could not understand why Larry hated me so much, but what was more important to me was why my mother didn't get on to him for saying such a thing! Why didn't she say, That is your little sister! You have no reason to hate her! But she never said any of those things. My dad always came in my room to say my prayers with him at night, but that night, he didn't. So that night, I prayed that Jesus would let me die so my family could be happy. Of course, I woke up the next day, but that night, I prayed again, but nothing happened to me. I have no