Things That Go Hump in the Night (An Anthology of Gay stories)

By Gerald Lopez

Zany, spooky, chilling, and a whole lot of crazy! A gay anthology of the wildest short stories you’ve ever read that won’t just make you shiver but will tickle your funny bone as well. In our first tale a great grandmother helps a newlywed gay couple with the ghost haunting their home. A priest is called to a seminary only to have the locals warn him about “fairies” in the area. One night crew has more to deal with then just cleaning offices. And there’s special evening entertainment at the local club when drag queen performers come face-to face with zombies from Uranus.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gerald Lopez
• Release date: Oct 6, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215660645

Gerald Lopez

Gerald was called to write at various times in his life. When he was young, the writing consisted of plays and short stories. Then he explored the fine arts and literature, earning a bachelor’s degree in the latter while minoring in art history. In his studies he was fascinated by and enjoyed analyzing characters, their personalities and motivations. To him it’s always been the characters who make a story special. Once again writing has taken hold of him. In the past it was just an amusement, but now—for Gerald—writing is a passion to live, eat, and breathe.

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Copyright © 2023 by Gerald Lopez

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Wherever possible, the syntax and spelling in this book follows guidelines set forth in The Chicago Manual of Style, 14th Edition, and in the Merriam-Webster online dictionary.

GrandMomma Lou VS The Ghost, Copyright © 2023 by Gerald Lopez

Fairies in the Seminary, Copyright © 2023 by Gerald Lopez

The Night Crew: Things that GO Hump in the Night, Copyright © 2023 by Gerald Lopez

Zombies from Uranus, Copyright © 2023 by Gerald Lopez

Cover Art Copyright © 2023 by Gerald Lopez

Table of Contents

GrandMomma Lou VS The Ghost

Fairies in the Seminary

The Night Crew: Things that GO Hump in the Night

Zombies from Uranus

Contact the author

About the author

GrandMomma Lou VS The Ghost

Gerald Lopez

Chapter 1

Early Daze

It was a nice, older neighborhood not too far from the law office. There were large homes and cottages on surprisingly big lots that had ancient trees, some of whose branches hung over the road providing shade. The newlyweds held hands the whole way while looking at everything and commenting. Finally they’d reached the front gate.

Chad, we need to replace this thing with an automatic gate.

I’m the passenger in this car and will get out and open the beautiful, antique, wrought iron gate set in the middle of our new house’s perfect and charming brick wall.

Our new ‘old’ house.

Trey, don’t fuss. You’ll adore this place… I’ll make sure of it. I know your first love when it comes to houses is modern, and you bought this to make me happy and I am very… very appreciative.

I like the sound of that, Trey said then kissed his new husband.

Chad opened the door, got out and saw to the gate. He took a second to look down the long driveway. It led to their impressive two and a half story, Victorian home with a tower. He smiled as he looked at the tower which housed the master bedroom, then he chuckled. The sound of the car horn honking made him jump.

When his husband was back in the car, Trey drove inside then stopped so the gate could be shut again. Once Chad was out, Trey looked around and shuddered. The house gave him the creeps. They’d paid a good price for all they’d gotten, and that made him suspicious. Of course there probably weren’t many people who’d want a home with a family cemetery. And it irked him that they had four acres and no pool. Luckily he was a lawyer, and could afford to hire someone to deal with the yard work. Oh well, he thought. At least Chad had promised the interior would feature modern furnishings as opposed to uncomfortable antiques.

* * * *

Chad chuckled when Trey tried to lift him and carry him over the threshold.

I’m too big for you to pick up, Chad said, then laughed before clutching one of the posts on the front porch.

You big—no way, Trey said, and smiled at his husband.

The smile always got to him. It was the first thing he’d noticed about Trey. Well, after his perfect, pert, posterior, muscular chest, and big arms. And how he could he forget those big, dark eyes, as well as his smooth caramel brown skin.

Trey wondered what was going through Chad’s mind, but then lost himself in the man’s clear blue eyes. After looking around, he gave in to an urge and kissed Chad on the lips.

You looked around to make sure there were no witnesses before you did that, Chad said, then ran his hand through the front of his long, straight red hair.

We ‘are’ in a new neighborhood and I’m not sure what folks around here will think of an interracial gay couple kissing in public.

This is hardly public. We’ve got a huge front yard with old, mature live oaks giving us privacy—God I love those trees.

So do I, especially the way they block the old cemetery. He leaned against a post on their raised porch.

I like old cemeteries.

Well, you go on and enjoy, love of my life.

I’d rather enjoy other things, like you in our bed, Chad said. Sis told me she got the house all set up for us, just like we wanted while we were on our honeymoon.

I still feel like we’re on our honeymoon. He kissed Chad once more and wrapped his arms around him.

We’re the same height, Chad said out of nowhere. Both of us six-foot-one.

That comment came out of nowhere, babe.

It’s a belated response to your saying I wasn’t big.

That was merely an observation. You know I can’t get enough of your pale, slender body and freckles. Especially those freckles. He kissed Chad again, and slipped in his tongue.

They separated, and Chad giggled.

You really must love me to have agreed on buying this two and a half story Victorian on acreage. None of it is exactly your style.

I’d never really pictured a barn with a goat and a chicken coop with eight chickens when I thought about what sort of place I’d settle down in… but—

But?

You’re here, so I’m happy.

Aww. That comment deserves a kiss. He kissed Trey. Maybe even a little more than—

Before he could finish what he was saying Trey had picked him up and flung him over his broad shoulder.

The wood and glass front door swung open, and a buff man with a red crew cut spoke.

I was wonderin’ if y’all were gonna stay there making out all day or finally come in the house.

* * * *

GrandMomma, I heard two men just moved into the old Lauder House across the street and that they were just married, a skinny nine-year-old boy said as he used his telescope to try and see the neighbors. He was perched high up in the family tree house, which was the perfect vantage point. It was positioned so he could see between the large trees on the Lauder estate. Since the stairs had been added to the building, his great-grandMomma could even join him. One of the men is really white and skinny with bright red hair, and the other guy’s dark but lighter than me. If they hadn’t told us he was black, I might have not even known. They’re kissing again.

Well then it’s jest like you’re old great-grandMomma Lou saw in her vision. I’ve never been one to pat myself on the back when I’m right—which I usually am, that’s why I’m talkin’ ‘bout myself in the third person.

He loved hearing his great-grandmother’s strong Southern accent, it always made him smile. She’d grown up there in the country, which had turned more into a small town that a larger town had grown around.

You’re congratulating yourself because you were right. And Grandma didn’t believe you when you said you saw a couple buying Lauder house in a dream, and that it was two men.

Sometimes I just have no use, patience, or need of that daughter of mine. God bless her soul, she gets on my nerves.

GrandMomma how come you talk with a Southern accent but none of your kids or theirs do. Not even your great-grandkids like me.

That’s cause I grew up in this here area, and I’m not such an uppity snob that I forget where I come from.

Momma’s a snob.

That’s not for me to say.

Well her and Daddy are traveling all over Europe doing rich people stuff, and they left me here with you, Grandpa, and Grandma. Donny Deworth says it’s because we’re black, and they don’t care much for people like us in Europe. But Mommy and Daddy are black, and they’re in Amsterdam right now having all kinds of fun and adventures on their second honeymoon.

Was that a complaint? You wishing they sent you to that boarding school with your sister?

No way! But it’s not that kind of place. Dee’s learning horse riding and arts and crafts.

And you don’t like that sort of stuff?

I like when ‘we’ do arts and crafts, but I love when you, me, and sometimes Grandpa go on adventures the best! Are we going to welcome the new neighbors, so I can finally see inside that haunted house?

Oliver, did you forget we’re goin’ gator hunting with your grandpa and Lenny tonight?

Oliver gasped, then spoke.

I did forget, GrandMomma. No way do I want to miss going gator hunting.

Don’t you worry about gettin’ to see the inside of that house. We’ll be invited to Lauder mansion, soon as all the screaming and wailing starts.

Will things get that bad before they come looking for you to help?

Darlin’, they don’t even know I exist, yet. Hopefully before it’s too late they will, and come find me.

When will it be too late?

Well if they start shooting holes in the walls, and shitting their pants it’s too late.

Chapter 2

Slithery Things

Why are ‘you’ still here? Chad said to the shirtless man wearing only boxers who stood in the doorway. And in your boxers… in ‘our’ doorway.

Hey, bro, the man said to Trey.

How’s it hanging, brother man? Trey said.

Clearly yours is straight down the middle, Chad said to his brother. He was annoyed. Ken, Trey and I were hoping to break in our new bed today.

Don’t let me stop you, little brother, Ken said, then grinned and raised his red eyebrows.

Your brother can be shy, Trey said, and glanced down at Ken’s bare feet.

Were you just looking at my brother’s feet, ‘cause I know how much you like feet? Chad said.

Hee, hee, Trey said. Your Southern accent came out a little. That means you’re starting to drop your guard somewhat.

Don’t change the subject, Chad said.

You’re brothers, Trey said, I had to see how his feet compared, and besides, you have cuter toes. He smiled.

Little bro’s pretty cute, Ken said in a thick Southern accent he didn’t even attempt to hide. But my feet are more manly.

Yeah they are, Trey said, then laughed until he caught the look Chad was giving him. Jealousy is unbecoming a cute man such as yourself.

I’m not jealous.

Ken patted him on the shoulder, then spoke.

I’ve told you before, baby brother, I’m more bi than gay. You got nuthin’ to worry about from me.

I know that, Chad said. Why aren’t you working on a construction site somewhere?

That’s gratitude for you, Ken said. Who do you think did all the manual labor here in your new place? Not our sister, that’s for sure. She just directed all the action. And Trey’s right, you don’t have to be worried about having my sculpted, smooth body around… and be happy I’m dressed. These days I’m a practicing nudist… again.

Oh brother, Chad said, literally. Once again, what the hell are you doing here? Not that I’m ungrateful for you and our big sister’s help, but I can use some alone time with my new husband.

Okay then, Ken said, if you want to handle that slithery snake by yourself, go right on ahead.

He’s had no problem so far, Trey said, then smiled and playfully grabbed his crotch.

I’m not talking about your tool, man, Ken said. There’s a big ole snake in your house.

What? Chad said.

Just a black garden snake, Ken said. Thing got in when one of the moving men left the front door open.

What? Chad said in a daze, then looked at Trey.

No, Trey said. Don’t look at me. I hate those damn snakes.

The black garden ones aren’t poisonous, Ken said.