The Miss Lucy Case Files #1: Miss Lucy and the Pussy Brigade

By Gerald Lopez

Miss Lucy dreaded training new agents in the field, more than almost anything else she had to do for the organization. This mission had already started off badly due to the fact she was retraining agent Buck Taggerty—or ‘the fool’ as she liked to call him. As handsome as the man was, he tended to do some fairly foolish things. Without a doubt, he was good at handling weapons and could be handy in a pinch, but Miss Lucy still cringed at the thought of dealing with him. The team was supposed to be working a simple retrieval case involving one little pussycat statue, but things went crazy to a slapstick comedy level. As serious as the case was, it would become legendary among the organization’s members for its comedic qualities. It soon became a rite of passage for new agents to read Miss Lucy’s account of the case without cracking a smile—none ever succeeded. There are even some people in the organization who enjoy reading about how romance bloomed on the case when Buck Taggerty met the love of his life.

Any thoughts Miss Lucy might’ve had that the two new agents-in-training might make up for Buck’s lack of skills were dashed when she met them. Leticia, her boss, had told her she’d be sending two burlesque showgirls to help on the case, so Miss Lucy thought she’d braced herself for every possibility. Upon meeting Ebony and Ivory, Miss Lucy realized she hadn’t prepared for ‘every possibility’. And Just when things couldn’t possibly get any stranger...they did.
The mission went on record as the zaniest, most hilarious case of Miss Lucy’s entire career. Her team went undercover at a burlesque theater in central Florida owned by a showgirl and her wheelchair-ridden, significantly older husband. The theater was located next to a retirement community filled with rather unique citizens. All of the crazy rumors regarding what may or may not have happened in the nursing home between the patients and some of the team members was finally confirmed in the case files; after said team members were assured immunity from any sort of prosecution. These case files also confirm the almost unbelievable supernatural aspects of the mission.

If anyone within the organization doubted the cats’ roles in what occurred during that mission, the file removes all doubt. The origins of the mysterious pussy brigade are also revealed in full detail. Often spoken about in whispers behind shadows, the full account of what transpired between Miss Lucy and the pussy brigade is spelled out in details even the greenest of recruits to the organization can understand. Miss Lucy had trained agents before, but this is the account of her first training mission under the new directive.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gerald Lopez
• Release date: Oct 21, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311276100

Gerald Lopez

Gerald was called to write at various times in his life. When he was young, the writing consisted of plays and short stories. Then he explored the fine arts and literature, earning a bachelor’s degree in the latter while minoring in art history. In his studies he was fascinated by and enjoyed analyzing characters, their personalities and motivations. To him it’s always been the characters who make a story special. Once again writing has taken hold of him. In the past it was just an amusement, but now—for Gerald—writing is a passion to live, eat, and breathe.

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Copyright © 2014, 2019 by Gerald Lopez

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Wherever possible, the syntax and spelling in this book follows guidelines set forth in The Chicago Manual of Style, 14th Edition, and in the Merriam-Webster online dictionary.

Cover Art Copyright © 2014, 2019 by Gerald Lopez

Acknowledgments

My special thanks go to the following:

To John for his always helpful comments and suggestions. My thanks to Grandma for helping with the Spanish.

To Jim Kennedy for all his help, advice, and kind words—I really appreciate you.

To Beta readers: Brandi, Joyce, Johanna, Murphy, Rich. I’m truly appreciative of the time you’ve taken out of your lives to share your insight, and to give me encouraging words and great advice.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my Beta readers, without whom, my books would be full of errors and inconsistencies.

Their helpful hints and insights go a long way toward making my books what they are, and their suggestions are deeply appreciated.

Thank you, one and all, from the bottom of my heart,

Table of Contents

Chapter 01

Chapter 02

Chapter 03

Chapter 04

Chapter 05

Chapter 06

Chapter 07

Chapter 08

Chapter 09

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

About the author

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Miss Lucy and the Pussy Brigade

Miss Lucy Case Files #1

Gerald Lopez

Chapter 1

Raining Fools

BUCK TAGGERTY sat in the passenger seat of Miss Lucy’s purple Cadillac convertible enjoying the soft breeze. The convertible’s top was down, which allowed him an unobstructed view of Clydesville, Florida, the site of their new case. The small downtown area was clean and nicely landscaped, with trees lining both sides of the streets and colorful flowers in between the trees. There were more pedestrians than Buck had expected to see, and a few bicyclists. The two- and three-story buildings had brightly colored awnings, and in the center of the area was a small park canopied by trees. An inviting looking white gazebo was centrally located in the park.

This place reminds me of Disney World—only smaller, without the rides, and without that stooo-pid rat! Buck said.

And what have you got against Mickey Mouse? Miss Lucy said.

Have you seen him? He’s just a big overgrown rat… yuck. Okay, so tell me about this case—we’re not going to be fighting zombies again, I hope?

Not as far as I know, Miss Lucy said.

Good, because even I’ve had enough of chopping up zombies.

Boy, try and remember that I’m supposed to be retraining you—if such a thing is even possible. I can also report back that you are not fit to work in the field. You’re lucky that Layton and Alex were kind about you in their reports to Leticia. As head of our southern division, she was the one who decided you deserved a second chance at being an agent.

What about you, Miss Lucy? What do you think? You saw how I did when I helped Detective Layton Shayne retrieve those statues that were turning people into zombies.

"You don’t even wanna know what I think. Layton said you handled weapons well… and that’s something, I suppose. Back to your initial question, this is a simple case. We only need to retrieve one little pussycat statue that was used by a cult in this area. Our agents already took the cult down… or to put it nicely—disbanded its members—permanently."

Yeah, but the pussycat statue is solid gold and has a diamond and sapphire collar. Nobody’s gonna give that thing up easily. And how come the other team didn’t get the dang thing when they shut down the cult?

That’s none of our concern. As I said a minute or two ago, the only thing to worry about on this case is retrieval—pure and simple.

Miss Lucy stopped at a red light, and pointed to a two-story building to the far right. It was red and gold on the outside, and had the words The Burlesque Theater in shiny, metallic gold letters written above the door and the blacked out windows. Underneath that, in smaller lettering, were the words Dinner and Show.

When the light turned green, Miss Lucy turned right and parked, so that she was across from The Burlesque Theater.

What’s your first impression of the theater, Buck?

The lettering is really pretty with all the swirls… kind of like Art Nouveau style.

Forget about the lettering, Miss Lucy said, clenching her jaws. What else do you see?

Buck looked again, and saw two elderly women carrying protest signs. Both wore ankle length skirts and short-sleeved blouses, but one was significantly shorter than the other and slightly stooped over.

I see two old ladies protesting the show. One has her hair in a gray bun, and the other has a short haircut. Should I go ask them if they’ve seen the pussycat statue?

No, you damn fool! Why would they tell you anything? Listen now, and try to learn something. Leticia got us in the door of the theater by telling them that I’m a talent agent, and you’re my assistant. We’re representing two girls trying out for the burlesque show. A couple of burlesque dancers that Leticia found are going to meet us at the theater. I’ll be training them as agents alongside your sorry ass.

I don’t have a sorry ass. My ass is nice.

Stop worrying about your ass, and listen up. Leticia’s sources told her that someone connected to this theater is moving merchandise, such as jewelry and precious items. They’re our best bet for finding the statue.

And they’re gonna help us? Buck said.

Oh, sweet Lord Jesus! We’re here undercover, fool! Do you understand what undercover means?

Yes, Ma’am. I just got confused for a second. This isn’t easy, you know.

Well, it sure as hell isn’t difficult… at least, not yet. We’d better go to the hotel and get cleaned up.

Are you going to put on a disguise, Miss Lucy?

Just something a bit more managerial. I’m going to get myself ready and leave first, then you meet me at the theater a little later; but not too much later.

Like twenty minutes later?

No, that’s too much later.

Fifteen minutes.

No, make it—

I’ll make it eight and a half minutes later. That’ll be perfect!

Miss Lucy shook her head in frustration, and was about to say something, but thought better of it. She figured when the others arrived, things were bound to improve on the case. While Miss Lucy checked them into a small two-story hotel at the end of the main street, Buck took care of their luggage.

BUCK WAS CHECKING his hair in the mirror when he got the call from Miss Lucy telling him that she was right outside the theater. He straightened his tie, looked at his watch, and left his room.

His black dress shoes made a slight clicking sound on the sidewalk as he made his way to the theater. Looking around, he noticed that the majority of the pedestrians were significantly older than him—closer to retirement age. Then he remembered that there was a big retirement community, that surrounded the main street. He waved at a friendly woman who’d smiled at him before he crossed the street, and made his way through the park. He looked at his watch and noticed only five minutes had passed, so he sat on a bench for a minute in order to keep from arriving early. When he finally got to the front of the theater, the two elderly protestors from earlier were getting ready to leave.

Hi, Buck said. Were you ladies protesting the theater?

The taller of the women pointed her finger at him, and spoke to her friend. Estelle, we got us a genius here.

The other woman laughed.

Hey, that wasn’t nice, Buck said. I’m new here.

Whatever, the first woman said, as her friend got into a car that had just pulled up and was blocking the street. Say hello to—

Buck could barely catch the name she said over the sound of someone blowing their car horn angrily, because of the protestors’ ride blocking the street. The woman who’d spoken to him shot a bird at the car that was honking as she got into the front seat and closed the door.

What a meanie, Buck thought. Before he entered the theater, he saw a paper taped to one of the front double doors announcing early bird dinner specials. Buck opened the doors and was glad he’d worn sunglasses, because it helped his eyes to deal with the differentiation of light from the bright outside to the dark inside. He looked around the place, as he’d been taught to do in his initial agent’s training. There were several round wood tables with four chairs on top of them in front of a small stage with red velvet curtains. To the left of the stage was a red, lit sign for the bathrooms, and to the right was a door with a Backstage Area sign above it. On the far wall were red padded booths with tables.

Against the wall to his right from where he’d come in, was a large wooden bar with a mirror behind it and shelves full of liquor bottles to either side. Miss Lucy was sitting on a stool with a short black bob style wig on and wearing a black suit with pants and heels. Next to her was a woman in a tight, sleeveless blue dress, and sky high heels. She had big blonde hair, full red lips, and humongous breasts. They were so big that Buck had to stifle a laugh. To her side was an elderly man dressed in a white short-sleeved shirt, brown pants, and deck shoes. His hair, mustache, and goatee were all white as snow. Buck took a minute to make a mental note that the man was in a wheelchair. There was also a short, plump, balding man with white hair and bright blue eyes behind the bar. Buck took some time out to process everything, then noticed that everyone was staring at him.

Do ya need another minute to take it all in, sugar? the blonde said with her hand on her hip.

Miss Lucy just shook her head, and Buck tried to remember what he’d practiced in the mirror earlier. Detective Layton had made him promise not to use his line My name is Buck and I like to fuck anymore; even though Buck thought the rhyming part of it was hilarious. So instead, Buck stood tall, in an attempt to make his six-feet five inches of height even more impressive. He was nervous and brushed his hand through his chestnut brown hair.

I asked what your name was, sugar? the blonde said.

As he removed his glasses, he looked straight at the blonde, smiled and spoke. The name’s Taggerty… Buck Taggerty.

Miss Lucy looked over at the blonde, and was shocked to see her swooning and fanning her face with her hand at the sight of Buck.

Oh, brother, Miss Lucy thought. I can already tell this is gonna be a real blast.

Sorry if I looked like I was casing the joint, Buck said, specifically addressing the blonde. But I was just trying to be slick and get a better look at the fine filly that you are, Ma’am.

Are you trying to suck up to my wife, boy? the man in the wheelchair said.

I think he was comparing her to a horse, the bartender said.

Are you comparing my wife to a horse, fool? the blonde’s husband said.

Cool it, old-timer, Buck said. My mom and pops raise award winning, purebred Arabians on our estate… I wouldn’t call just any woman a fine-looking filly.

It was obvious to Miss Lucy that the blonde was now more interested than ever in Buck. Unfortunately, the woman’s twirling of her hair, and puffing out her bust was lost on Buck—and not just because he was a fool, but because he had no interest in the opposite sex at all.

"Arabians are those really expensive horses, aren’t they, Buck," the blonde said. "Ooo, just saying the name Buck makes me feel all dirty."

What the hell is going on here? the blonde’s husband said. Am I even in the room?

Buck looked around, then replied in a matter of fact and serious way. Yeah, you are. No worries, grandpa, I don’t go after other men’s property.

The last comment had Miss Lucy slapping the side of her face. Buck Taggerty was dumb as dirt. Too dumb to even know he was being insulting.

You’ll have to excuse my assistant, Miss Lucy said. He’s a little slow.

Oh, no, honey, I like the way he thinks, the blonde said. I’m an old-fashioned kind of gal; I like being taken care of. Isn’t that right, Colonel, darlin.’ She walked to her husband and wrapped her arms around his neck, then shook her breasts in front of his face and winked at Buck slyly. The Colonel and I both know how to give each other what we want.

Buck looked at Miss Lucy and made a face, but she gave him an angry look back, so he controlled himself.

So, when are those two girls of yours gonna get here, Miss Lucy?

As if on cue, the front door opened, and two figures walked in, hidden in the sudden stream of bright outdoor light pouring into the room.

Peering through the sunlight at the two figures, Miss Lucy got enough of a look to make her want to slam her fist on the bar.

I will kill Leticia for this, Lucy thought. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse. There’s no chance in hell we’re gonna get in here. We are well and truly fucked!

Chapter 2

Ebony and Ivory

HELLO, EVERYONE, sorry we’re late, a tall, slim, dark, black woman said. Her raven hair was pulled back, and she was dressed in a low-cut white jacket and matching slim pencil skirt, that had a high slit on the side. A multi-strand pearl necklace with rhinestone accents filled in the décolleté area left open by her jacket. She carried an oversized white clutch, and her accessories included white stilettos, a white large brimmed hat, and white sunglasses.

You’ll have to excuse us, everybody, the equally tall woman by the first one’s side said. She also had a large brim hat, and was wearing an ankle-length, floral print dress, which had an almost vintage look to it. Her peep-toe shoes didn’t have as high a heel as her companion’s shoes, and her straw hat wasn’t as elegant as the other woman’s white hat. She carried an enormous straw bag with a pink flamingo appliqued to the front. Sorry, Miss Lucy and Buck. It took me forever to find the car keys, so I’ll take the blame for being late this time.

Darn right you will, the first woman said. Anyway… it’s time for introductions. I am Ms. Ebony Devane. Sort of like divine, but with an ‘e’ and an ‘a’ instead of two ‘i’s. My name is Devane, but I’m not vain—so I don’t need those two lil ole ‘i’s. Get it… just a small joke to brighten your day. She smiled.

The Colonel laughed and smiled her way. That was funny… I like you, little lady. My name’s Colonel Gregory Clark Beautrell, but I just go by ‘The Colonel’… don’t forget the ‘The.’ There are a few retired colonels in this area, but I’m ‘The Colonel.’ And who’s your pretty friend?

My name is Ivory J, The Colonel. My family doesn’t approve of my being a career girl, so I only use the first letter of my last name.

What a clever girl you are, the blonde said, sounding miffed.

You two gals certainly have the looks to work here, The Colonel said.

OK, I can see it now, the blonde said. Ebony and Ivory… one of you is black and the other white. You didn’t tell me about that, Miss Lucy. In fact, you didn’t tell me a lot.

The jig is up, Miss Lucy thought. How could it not be when things were so blatantly obvious? A blind person could see the truth from a mile away.

When you were telling me you had some burlesque dancers for me to look at, I expected two girls that were all tits and ass, the blonde said.

Here it comes, Miss Lucy thought, balling her hand into a tight fist. There’s no way out of this, and Buck’s looking straight at me; even that fool knows the truth.

I’m sorry— Miss Lucy said.

She’s really sorry, Buck said.

About what? the blonde said.

Umm, Buck said. She’s sorry the truth has come out about her being guilty of nevotism.

Nevotism? What’s that? the blonde said.

You know, when people hire family—nevotism, Buck said.

Naw, you’re talkin’ about Napoleantism, The Colonel said.

You mean like the dessert? the blonde said.

No, he means neopolitanism, like cosmopolitan, but Neopolitan, Ivory said.

He means nepotism, which is when someone in power hires their relatives, Ebony said.

Whatever… I’m still lost, the blonde said.

Buck noticed Miss Lucy getting increasingly frustrated, and waved his hand at her to settle her down.

It’s okay, I’ll explain everything, Aunt Lucy, Buck said.

What the—! Miss Lucy said in complete and utter shock.

It’s OK, Buck said. I know these nice folks won’t mind that you’re my auntie, Ebony is my cousin, and Ivory is a good family friend.

You can’t be black, Buck, sugar, the blonde said. You barely even look tan.

Buck laughed and shrugged at her. Oh, I’m not black.

Well, she sure ain’t white, the blonde said with her hand pointed toward Miss Lucy.

Aunt Lucy was adopted when she was a baby, Buck said. That’s how I got to be her assistant, on account of the fact we’re related.

That does explain things, the blonde said, then turned to Miss Lucy. Your nephew sure is pretty, but none too bright.

Thanks for the compliment, Mrs. Diggen, Buck said.

Mrs. Diggen, the blonde said. Where’d you get that name from?

Some old lady outside told me your name was Goldie Diggen, Buck said.

Ebony, Ivory, and Miss Lucy just shook their heads, while The Colonel laughed loudly and slapped the wheelchair with his hand. The blonde looked at everyone for a minute, then the lightbulb went off for her too.

Gold digger! the blonde said. Some old bat told you I was a gold digger! Who was it?

I don’t know, Buck said. All those old people look the same to me. I didn’t know that’s what she was saying… there was a car honking, and I was all nervous about this job and not messing up.

Buck looked so upset that the blonde went to him and caressed his face before giving him a kiss on the cheek.

My poor baby. She turned to The Colonel. This poor boy needs us to keep an eye on him. He’s like an innocent babe in the woods. He can’t even tell when he’s being taken advantage of by people.

Clearly, Ivory said.

Excuse me, the blonde said.

You just can’t trust some of those old ladies… they’re downright mean, Ivory said. Good save, she thought.

They really are, Buck said, bobbing his head in agreement.

Now I know what Layton was talking about, when he told me about Buck’s natural shock and awe technique, Miss Lucy thought. That fool has kept everyone from noticing the elephant in the room.

Buck, my name is Gilda Beautrell, the blonde said. I took my husband’s last name for my own when we were married.

I’m so dumb, Buck said. I should’ve known that.

His momma dropped him on his head a few times when he was little, Miss Lucy said.

My mom is kind of clumsy sometimes, but she’s really pretty like you, Mrs. Beautrell, Buck said. Only you’re a lot younger, of course.

Why, thank you, sugar, Gilda said. Is your momma really that pretty?

Oh, yeah, Buck said. "She was a Vegas showgirl… well a headliner, really—you know, the glamour girl in the show. That is, till she met Pops, and he took her away from it