(In) The Absence Of...: Finding Confidence in the Quiet Spaces of Noise

By Danielle L Boone

"The past is a foundation of who you are now and what you are becoming, but you must know how to apply it to each section of your journey. Foundations sometimes need to be repaired. You must strip off some of the old mortar and apply new material. The same is true for you. Experiences can make you or break you it's all in how you re

• Language: English
• Publisher: Manuscripts LLC
• Release date: Sep 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9798889267430

Book preview

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(In) The Absence Of…

Finding Confidence in the Quiet Spaces of Noise

Danielle L. Boone

Copyright © 2023 Danielle L. Boone

All rights reserved.

(In) The Absence Of…

Finding Confidence in the Quiet Spaces of Noise

ISBN

979-8-88926-742-3 Paperback

979-8-88926-743-0 Ebook

Loss: the partial or complete deterioration or absence of a physical capability or function; the harm or privation resulting from losing or being separated from someone or something.

This book is dedicated to those who struggle to find and maintain a space where they can feel safe. When life throws jab after jab, it’s hard to find solace, to believe it’s even worth it. I pray my story helps you see that with a little bit of hope and a mustard seed of faith, things can turn around. No matter what you’ve been through, know you are worthy of love.

Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1: Twelve Hours Before

Interlude 1: The Anchor’s Lifted...

Part 1: Welcome to My DNA

Chapter 2: Who Am I?

Chapter 3: Brothers and Sisters

Chapter 4: Mom—Forever Guide, Forever Friend

Chapter 5: Daddy—Laugher, Love, and Labor

Chapter 6: Warrior Women

Chapter 7: Feet of the Elders

Interlude 2: Smiling, My Innate Behavior

Part 2: Divine Connections

Chapter 8: Crushed - ’Til Death Do Us Part

Chapter 9: Just Tone

Chapter 10: Empty Arms

Chapter 11: Unicorns Just May Exist

Interlude 3: Possibilities

Chapter 12: Forty Going On... Lonely

Chapter 13: Atlanta

Chapter 14: Paradigm Shift: Moving Forward

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Appendix

Special Acknowledgment

To the one who found me at the end of this journey, welcome to my next. I am not the same person I was when we started because I needed to be better.

Your message of love through music broke through the deafening silence of my pain. Thank you for adding rhythm to my words.

Prologue

My mom died.

And that’s when the journey started for me. It was finally to time to grieve.

It was a Wednesday morning in June of 2016. When I walked into the room, I thought she was just sleeping peacefully, but I soon found out she had finally defeated... overcome, that dreadful disease.

The first time she beat breast cancer was when she went into remission in early 2014, two years after her diagnosis. This time she decided to let go and meet back up with my dad in heaven.

At her memorial service, I listened to the stories about how she had inspired others. I always knew she was a good source of energy but had no idea the level of impact her simple life had on those in her sphere of influence. The memories shared about her that day (and beyond) opened my eyes to whom my mom fully was and left me in awe.

I think my ex-husband, Clayton, whom everyone called Tone, stated it best when he spoke about what my mom taught him regarding purpose. The thing I gleaned from Mama B is to purpose your time, who you love, and how you love, he expressed.

Once my dad passed, a part of her was gone, so logically it was only a matter of time before she would make her transition.

Tone and Mom would take walks every morning when he was home from the road. He was an electrical engineer and traveled a lot for work. They’d walk and talk for hours about everything from what was happening in the news to the random question my son asked during home-school the week before. We talked about some of everything, he said, but it always came down to knowing the importance of life, love, and after loss, finding a path to normal.

At the repass, I was there, but not really. I thought I was fully coherent, but thinking back about it now, a lot of it is a blur. I do remember being asked, Why didn’t you speak today? Your words were so powerful at your dad’s funeral.

The question kind of confused me because there were so many amazing things said about my mom from family, friends, and church members who hadn’t seen her in years. And most surprising was hearing how she impacted her fellow teachers at Center Stone Prep School. I didn’t think my voice was needed that day.

Approximately six years and six months prior to my mom’s death, my dad had died of a heart attack…a mere three weeks after had he walked me down the aisle at my wedding. When my dad died, my mom, who was the strongest person I had ever known, was broken, and I automatically went into warrior mode. My only goal was to make sure everybody else was okay because I was and if I wasn’t, I had to be.

I was not comfortable speaking in public, so I must have conjured some inner strength, a boldness that came out at the podium. Because truth be told I can’t even tell you what I said at Dad’s funeral. So, when I was asked my mind screamed, That was seven years ago! but I guess it made an impact if I was being asked why I didn’t speak today.

I just smiled and responded with a shrug implying, I don’t know.

Introduction

Ever wake up and ask yourself, How did I get here? When you dreamed about what your life would be like at this point, you look in the mirror and the reflection is nothing like that dream. It’s almost the total opposite. You cry, maybe. You get angry, most likely.

Then what? You contemplate and ask yourself, "Why? Why do I have to live here? Why did my relationship fail? Why did my friend, cousin, favorite uncle, parent, or child have to die? Why didn’t I get the job? Why am I not good enough?"

And as you wait for answers to the whys, then come the dreaded, what ifs. What if I hadn’t been born? What if I had more money? What if I had done this differently?

Then the answer hits you: because you suck! No, it’s not true, but that’s what your mind tells you. The more you hold on to it, the more it feels true, just a little.

I’ve been there, but that’s okay because nobody and nothing is perfect. This life thing is a continuous process, so even when you feel like you suck, find a way to take a step, then another… then another.

There are two ways I can tell this story. One, where I tell you something that happened to me, give some statistics like, according to an article from The Recovery Village, about 2.5 million people die in the United States annually, each leaving an average of five grieving people behind (Deveney 2022) or discuss the five or seven stages of grief, depending on which source you use. The article, The Stages of Grief: What Do You Need to Know? covers both (Holland 2023).

Or two, I can tell you my story, my way. When I try to do it the first way, I get caught up in the mechanics of it all and the story seems to lose something: me. Since I believe my voice matters, I am choosing the latter.

Fear... Faith... Glue... Steps

I tend to hide behind the scenes. As a production assistant, I help organize and filter the information needed to those who execute the production (i.e., producer, talent, stage manager, director). As a writer, I hide behind my words. Even when I am performing, in front of the camera modeling, or on stage dancing, it is never about me, just the story I am telling. At least that’s what I told myself until I realized I was operating in FEAR: feeling, expecting, and assuming rejection.

When it is time for your light to shine (Matthew 5:16 KJV), I believe God will exalt you so that you can be seen because your story represents His power and presence in the earth. There is purpose in your being, and you will be equipped with everything you need to handle whatever comes with the exposure.

Writing this book is one of those moments for me. This demonstration of my compassion, strength, and love is an opportunity to shed light on how I use the gift I have been given. I am writing this book because the journey has helped me better understand who I am. I am words and I see story.

I don’t have it all together; I just know how to hold it together. One of my coworkers affectionately refers to me as the glue. At first, I thought it was a shot at my character and position, meaning sticky and nonessential, but I have since interpreted the value in that statement. Glue is an adhesive that binds things together. I am the glue; with grace, love, and understanding of everyone, I pay attention to the minor details and make sure every little piece connects to gain the most efficient workflow possible. I guess that’s not so nonessential after all.

One thing I’ve come to understand is the balance of faith and fear. Both are a part of my make-up, so learning how to use them is essential. Most importantly, being aware when they are out of alignment. If fear crosses over and stops me from moving when it’s time to move, I’m out of alignment. If faith steps over into ‘front street’, not leading, but acting out of pride, where I’m trying to prove my worth for the sake of others, then it’s no longer faith. I’m out of alignment.

I told myself, I am not writing about how I felt in the moment because I don’t know what I really felt in the moment. I was numb! Maybe that’s how I cope with grief or loss, by going numb. When things happen, I initially don’t allow my emotions to overtake me because I generally have to step up. When my dad died, I had to step up. When my mom died, I had to step up. When I lost my marriage, I had to step up. When I lost my apartment, my car, and the company I helped start, I had to step up. The train has to keep moving, things need to be handled, and life still goes on.

But in the quiet of the night when it’s just me and God, I am allowed to just be… authentic, no expectations, nothing to prove. Just be me. So, I don’t focus on trying to match what boldness is supposed to look like. Most of the time my courage is still; a simple concept of becoming one with self and one with God. When distrust sneaks up in my mind, and in the darkness (or shower), I cry and silently scream. Then God’s still small voice reminds me, Pause. Just breathe.

It’s in those moments where I am reminded of the scripture Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV):

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. And I will remember that for as long as I have breath, there is hope for my future.

Words are what you think, what you hear, what you see, what you say, and what you believe. I choose to think everybody has a story; hear what is not being said, see the message behind the words; and believe my words have power. And I want to share with you how through it all I found myself, my voice, my joy, so that you might find yourself, your voice, your healing, your strength.

So, you take steps...baby ones, at first. Whatever gets you moving forward.

Steps, you know, the thing you must do to get to the next level. The action you must take outside of your usual routine. There is no exact process, and there is usually more than one path, but in order to move forward, you have to take steps.

A Journey of Discovery

How are you doing?

I’ve often wondered why people think it’s a good idea to ask that question to the family of the deceased at a funeral. Most people will ask, How are you doing? not expecting a real answer. It is more of an icebreaker, something to be said when there isn’t anything better to say. I prefer, How are you holding up? because this invites a conversation. That question also gives you an opportunity to address the thoughts racing around in your head. For me it was, How the heck am I standing? My legs feel like spaghetti noodles, and I should be falling over.

This book is