Suddenly Single: What Man Meant for Evil, God Turned for Good

By Vanessa Jackson MABC LPC

The Suddenly Single experience was something that I was not prepared for, and it was hard to accept. My dream in life was to be married and a stay-at-home mom. Everything, how I thought about myself and my world, was devoted to that plan. I had not planned on being divorced, a single mom, bankrupt, and living with my parents. I had not planned on a broken heart, a shattered sense of self, or desperate need. When it all fell apart, the ideal sense of self I had created to ensure those plans suddenly was exposed to be nothing more than a sham. I had no idea who I was or how to keep going. I felt trapped and helpless. Little did I know that God would use my singleness as a bridge way to understand myself, my faith, and my calling for the first time. I thought I was simply trying to survive single parenthood and heal from my divorce, but God used it for much more. He gave me the freedom He had always intended, an identity that would come from hardship but one that I would love, and a calling that runs so deep there is no way I could ever stop. This book outlines the steps I took both biblically and therapeutically to find who I am and how I wanted to live. *Acceptance of reality. *God's design for singleness. *Biblical perspective of grief. *What is forgiveness and what is it not? *What do we do with all our feelings? *Walking in faith. *Get a life and have fun! *God restores. *Hearing God's calling. *Getting ready. *Go when called.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 29, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098038809

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Suddenly Single

What Man Meant for Evil, God Turned for Good.

Vanessa M. Jackson MABC, LPC

ISBN 978-1-0980-3879-3 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-0980-3880-9 (digital)

Copyright © 2020 by Vanessa M. Jackson MABC, LPC

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Introduction

Suddenly Single

Fallen Man

Being Single

Pay Attention to What You Have

Tolerance and Self Care

My Wake-Up Call

The Single Life

Waking Up

Tolerating the Moment.

Assumptions

Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

Vulnerable Emotion

Feelings

Feelings Are Not Facts

God Gave Us Emotions

Sometimes Feelings Are Not Emotions

God Is Our Defender

Opposite Action

The Mulligan

Rehearse New Emotional Responses

Feelings Are Not Always Helpful

Faith

Legalism

True Faith

Stop Cooperating

Meditation and Prayer

Fellowship

Forgiveness

What Does Forgiveness Mean?

Why Should We Forgive?

Radical Acceptance

Turning the Mind

Grief

Myths of Suffering

Purpose of Suffering

The Results of Suffering

Identify Your Demon

Willing vs. Willful

Get a Life

Have Fun!

Balance

Bucket List

Is It God?

Restoration

My Blunders

The Lord Restores

Self-Validation

Lean in to Discomfort

Get Ready

My Calling

Share What God Is Doing with Others

God Provided

The Process

Doing vs. Thinking

Emotion vs. Logic

No Pressure

Go When Called

Must I Be Ready First?

Where Should We Serve?

Ideal Self vs. Real Self

Who Are You Really?

Who Is Your Ideal Self?

Who are you in Christ?

Suddenly Single

Works Cited

Author Note

I did not want this for my life. I had no plans for it, but there I was. Suddenly, one day I found myself living as a single parent. With an infant and two-year-old in tow, exhausted, no money, no job, and not at all equipped, I was scared out of my mind. I was walking in unknown territory, and it was here that I was stretched to learn and experience things I never would have signed up for. This is where my life’s journey began; the beginning of my end was the start of freedom. My life, the mess, and the majesty, are nothing short of a miracle, and if I can do it, anyone can.

Introduction

My dream in life was to be married and a stay-at-home mom. Everything I was, how I thought about myself and my world, was devoted to that plan. I had not planned on being divorced, a single mom, bankrupt, and living with my parents. I had not planned on a broken heart, a shattered sense of self, or desperate need. When it all fell apart, the ideal sense of self I had created to ensure those plans suddenly was exposed to be nothing more than a sham. I had no idea who I was or how to keep going. I felt trapped and helpless.

This was my bridgeway to understanding myself, my faith, and my calling for the first time ever. I thought I was simply trying to survive single parenthood and heal from my divorce, but God used it for much more. He gave me the freedom He had always intended for me to have, an identity that would come from hardship but one that I would love, and a calling that runs so deep within me, there is no way I could ever stop. When we start to live as who we authentically are, no matter the circumstances, it cannot be taken from us, and this book outlines the steps I took to find who I am and how I wanted to live.

As a therapist, I work with clients to develop and grow themselves for the life they want to live. I teach emotion regulation, mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, with as much or as little biblical perspective as they are comfortable with. Many of my clients assume that I simply espouse tools and techniques learned in professional development, but to be honest, my favorite tools were learned prior to becoming a therapist.

Chapter 1

Suddenly Single

The thing that really pushed me over the edge was the realization that I had absolutely no control over my life. I had nothing figured out, and the harsh, sudden explosive end to my marriage made that very apparent. Prior to that, I really thought that if I kept plugging along, keep my head down, keep my mouth shut, worked hard, submitted to authority, honored the Lord, my life would fix itself. It didn’t. It got worse. Much worse! I prayed for God to intervene, to help, to mend, but He didn’t. How is it possible that a person can seriously do everything they know to do, and yet it still blows up? This is when my eyes opened to an incredible life journey. When I got to the end of my plans I was finally able to start seeing His.

If I could tell you what happened in my divorce, I would. So, insert your divorce story, or one you have heard. It doesn’t really matter what the specifics are. Keep in mind that everyone sees their story from only their viewpoint. This story is told from my perspective only.

I found myself suddenly a single mother to a three-month-old little girl and two-year-old little boy, displaced from my home. What little things I owned were in storage, and we started from scratch. I had no money, no bank account, and no car. I was completely vulnerable and freaking out on the inside, but I did what I always did. I dug deep and didn’t quit. Looking for a job, taking care of kids, and trying to get finances in order. I thought my heart was going to break in half. I remember how emotionally exhausted I was, how trapped I felt, all the while trying to be happy and productive taking care of my two most precious possessions—my kids. I wanted to protect their hearts and minds through the experience.

In an amazing turn of events, I landed a job that paid exactly what we needed, and in perfect timing too. It couldn’t have gone any smoother. I jumped in and worked hard. I put on a smile and my go-to attitude. I faked happy and tried to ignore my pain and my fear. My mom quit her job to take care of my kids for me. She was a godsend! I am one of the lucky few who have a great family for support. My mom and dad are awesome!

After starting my job, my mom was out on a walk with the kids and texted me a sweet photo of them smiling. My daughter was in the stroller, and her brother was hanging on the side giggling. The emotions that swept over me were mixed. Bittersweet is the only way I can describe it. In that moment, I realized that someone else was getting to see all their firsts. I had gone through a horrific ordeal and was paying even more for it. They were happy and safe, and I was so grateful to have my mom there, but so sad that I wasn’t. I needed my job in the worst kind of way, but the blinders I had put on to keep going sheltered me from the reality I was facing. I neglected to notice what it all meant, and suddenly it felt like my life was over.

Everything I had dreamed of was gone. The picture in my head shattered. You know the picture I’m talking about? Mine was a cute little house in South Austin. Nothing big or extravagant. A back yard, a fence, my kids playing outside, and me doing some kind of yard work. The house smells of the meal I was preparing in the crockpot for dinner. Sometimes I pictured music playing kid’s songs, and the driveway is littered with chalk, tricycles, and tea party toys. They’d be filthy of course, having just rolled around in the dirt, and I’d be laughing. My husband would come home from work, ready to relax and watch TV, and I would head the kids inside to get them cleaned up and start settling down for the night. Suddenly, that picture I had was moot and I felt a deep sense of loss. I knew that in order to care for them, I had to walk away from what I had hoped we would have.

I had to go through the process of divorce and later a bankruptcy. I remember constantly thinking, This too shall pass. Every now and then, the emotions would hit me. They never came when it was convenient, and they could be triggered by some of the littlest things. I felt a rush of emotion, a complete and utter sense of panic, and I would go numb. It was like a forced grayness that would settle over me. I distracted myself with my tasks, not thinking about the emotions or my desire to see changes. Instead I focused on what I did have and what I needed to get done. We were healthy, we had each other, and I had the support of my family. Focusing on what I had lost would not have been helpful. It simply would have allowed me to stay stuck in negativity and unproductiveness. I had no room internally to fall apart, and no room for mistakes externally. Too much was hinging on me, and this was a good thing because it kept me going.

Fallen Man

About two years later, as I came up from under it all, I started to question things because I didn’t feel right. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do. I had no idea why God would allow me to go through all of this or if it meant anything. I took inventory of myself, my relationships, my faith, and I wasn’t satisfied with what I saw. I remember thinking, Is this what everyone feels like or is it just me? It’s not that I didn’t have people in my life or faith in God, but I didn’t fully engage or feel connected. There was always a sense of separation or distance, as if I was behind glass, watching people from the other side. They’d talk to me, and we’d do things together, but I couldn’t reach them. I remember even feeling shame about the headspace I was in, like I was supposed to be able to handle it, and yet I was not. In order to get through it, I shut down or I distracted. But the more I numbed the bad feelings, the good ones numbed too. Shutting down simply shut me out.

It wasn’t as bad with God. I felt connected, and I depended greatly on Him. What I lacked in that relationship was honesty with myself and the willingness for God to use me how He wanted to. I would volunteer at church, and I even taught a few classes, but I only stayed within the boundaries I could see as possible. I would say to Him, God, I need a friend, but not that friend, or "God, I need to make money, but