Depression Saved My Life

By Brian Michael Joyce

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 17.5 million Americans suffer from clinical depression. Each year, more than 132,000 people will consider suicide as a way out of depression and over 30,000 of them will succeed. The author became a statistic of the first two categories and was miraculously saved from the third. Ironically, he was reborn to a new reality through the intervention of a terminally ill friend as he wrote his school-aged son a desperate suicide letter. Consequently, the note changed course and became this book.

The author describes his decent and climb from depression to his son in heartbreaking detail, from his childhood in the tough streets of Philadelphia to his battle with cancer, the deaths of his sister, mother and two best friends, all in a relatively short period of time.

What makes this book unique are the strategically intertwined positive lessons that were learned while facing these tragic, life-altering events. These lessons, appropriately named "Life Lessons", are heartfelt loving messages from a father to his son illustrating what the author believes to be the truths of life and what is truly important to him today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jun 4, 2008
• ISBN: 9780595614615

Brian Michael Joyce

Brian Michael Joyce is the Founder and President of the non-profit organization, ?The True Measure?, committed to raising money for families struggling financially due to catastrophic illness. A dedicated family man and good friend, Brian is a survivor of all he has written about in this book.

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Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

Where it All Started …

Chapter 2

School Daze

Chapter 3

I Thought High School was Supposed to be the Best Time of My Life?

Chapter 4

The Good Times …

Chapter 5

The End of Innocence

Chapter 6

Pulling Positive from the Negative

Chapter 7

So it wasn’t a Hicky …

Chapter 8

Watch What You Wish for, Cause You Just Might Get It!

Chapter 9

Only the Good Die Young …

Chapter 10

Giving is Better Than Receiving

Chapter 11

The Courtship of Brian’s Father …

Chapter 12

Now this is where things really start getting messy.…

Chapter 13

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Chapter 14

My Life Today …

Introduction

The Saturday before I was forced to get help for the first time, I was up late at night and as usual, unable to sleep. I was 37 years old and dying every second I was alive. My mind was reeling and I was contemplating life and what I thought would be my imminent death. I began to write, and the following torrent of emotion was the result. It flowed from me in one smooth stream, unedited, just one continuous thought on paper trying to articulate for myself what it was that I was feeling, that I have since titled My Monster.

My Monster

"Not sure where to start. It’s about 1:40 am on Saturday and once again I find myself wide awake, my mind racing, thoughts of inadequacy and unfulfilled dreams just pouring over me like Niagara Falls. I don’t remember pain like this … ever. Crying is too much of an effort at this point and answers seem so far away from me; they are just unattainable. I’m numb, just feelingless, with an emptiness that feels like I imagine death should feel.

I’ve tried buying my way out, didn’t work; tried eating my way out, and it just made me dislike myself more. Nothing is taking this away, nothing has led me to an answer or salvation from this, and I can’t seem to find a way to put it down and walk away from it either.

This monster that rules my life, keeps me up, reminds me continuously of where I’m at, defines what I am and who I am, and won’t let me be what I want to be, or have what I want to have. I’m so angry, tired, sorry, disappointed and lonely. I guess the hardest part is that I can’t figure out how I got here, what I did wrong, what I should have done so that I wouldn’t be in this place with this monster. I have ruled out bad luck because no one is this unlucky. And without bad luck as my crutch, that just leaves me.… with this monster.

My monster keeps watch over me, believing whole-heartedly that he is saving me from further damage. He whispers to me when I think I’m good enough, that I’m not. When I think I can, He whispers … you can’t. When I strive for happiness, He beats me back, making me believe that he knows about hidden dangers and I shouldn’t go there. I’ve tried ignoring the monster, but he has grown and he’s now twice the size he was and growing stronger and taller; like a child, without you noticing, there he is before your eyes, a man. He just will not be ignored.

He tells me I’m not worthy of affection or understanding and I’m putting myself at risk if I think otherwise. He tells me not to communicate, because people shouldn’t know what I really think because they won’t accept it, or me. He tells me that I’m not attractive; there are plenty better, so don’t embarrass yourself by believing you’re anything better than average and you better check that mirror one more time and see if you can’t do better. He tells me I’m expendable and that society will be just fine if I leave well enough alone and go back to the safe confines that he provides.

I’m 37 now and, unfortunately, he may be right as I sit here, tears now streaming down my face, like blood leaking from an open wound, alone in my cell. I’m emotionally malnourished, starving, and praying for someone to feed me and maybe even claim me and unlock this gate. Just then my monster presses his ugly head up to the bars with a grin on his face that would make the Grinch stealing Christmas jealous, and tells me what I dreaded hearing most of all.… I’ll never go away.

I’ll never go away … I heard it over and over in my mind and I panicked. What if this were the end for me? What if I were no longer here to guide my son, to support him, to love him? I began to write a goodbye letter to him, to explain to him what was happening to me so he would know it was nothing he had done or could have changed. There was so much to tell him and the words just kept coming and coming, literally for days. I was trying to reconcile in my now haggard mind the pain I’d leave behind for him if I chose death over life, which was at the time a fore gone conclusion, just an inevitability and my only option, or so I thought. Fortunately, two friends stepped in and physically saved my life. Ricky my best friend, and Eileen, who was literally dying of cancer at the time and has since passed away. They took action during that window of time, however, I am convinced that the love and connection with my son is the reason I am still here and is what gave my friends the time they needed to take action.

Eileen discovered me rolled up in a ball on my couch, where I had been for days with a pad and pen on the floor beside me, un-showered, unshaven, and totally paralyzed by depression. She called Ricky, who took action and actually made an appointment for me with a therapist he knew. I made a decision around this point in my life to continue to write about my life experiences as I granted myself a stay of execution, in consideration of their efforts more than anything. My experiences had shaped me into becoming the person I was and I wanted better for my son and thought this extra time would allow me to express that to him, but I was still convinced at this point that parting this world would be in everyone’s best interest.

After several weeks of therapy and medication I reflected on what I had been writing and started reviewing my life in greater detail. With my mind a bit more clear, I began to see that it was both the positive and negative experiences and how I handled them that had made me, ME. I continued to write, and as I did I suddenly became fully aware, appreciative, and grateful for all of the good in my life that I just hadn’t taken the time to soak in given my state of mind. I couldn’t see it until I wrote it down for my son, but it started to turn me in a different direction. I also began to see the hardships differently as well, and the letter changed course and became this book.

My son is my inspiration, and that coupled with my unconditional love for him, prompted me to write about my life and the valuable life lessons I have learned. I hope this book might allow him to know his Dad intimately and to see in detail the Who’s, the What’s and the Why’s of both my successes and failures and help him to get wise before he gets old.

All of the circumstances and events of my life, including my battles with depression, bi-polar disorder and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) made me realize that light could not exist without darkness, and thankfully, I have finally found a well lit place in my life. I believe the lessons are universal and hope to serve as your guinea pig in the coming pages, showing you that, although life will have its harsh moments and hard times, if you take advantage of those times and recognize them as the learning experiences they are, life can be a wonderful adventure. Learning from my hardships and mistakes will hopefully allow you to handle anything life throws at you, or at least see it for what it is and soften the blows. Think of this as a short cut of sorts to help make your journey easier and more enjoyable at my expense.

There are many stories of people facing death who are reborn to the truths of life, gaining perspective and changing dramatically; I believe I am now one of them. This book worked as some much needed therapy and enlightenment for myself as it progressed and in the process of putting this together for my son, I came to realize what I always wanted for myself and didn’t have; I experienced that rebirth of sorts, and a resurrection of my spirit.

In the process of putting this together, I researched books, cd’s, self-help programs, spiritual guides, and consulted close and respected friends. I literally spent thousands of dollars learning everything I could, all in an attempt to make sure I gave my son the most comprehensive information possible to aid him in his journey through life because I feel he is that important! I also felt that telling him my life story would help him understand me better and understand how all of what I have told him to this point evolved. Also, and equally important, I have intertwined Life Lessons for him, which are the real point to the book. These Lessons hopefully will allow you to see things from the hind-sight perspective I wish I had through my journey. I hope they can help you, so that your life can be all that you wish it to be. Enjoy!

CHAPTER 1

Where it All Started …

Luckily for me, I had what I would consider a normal childhood with a normal family structure, but I’m sure we had our share of dysfunction as most families do but never realize or admit. I had two parents who stayed together through thick and thin, with three children, Kelly, who was just a year younger than me, and Robin, seven years younger than Kelly. My Mom was loving, kindhearted, funny, and smart as a whip and my Dad was tough as nails, hard working, and loyal as loyal can be.

Mom would read to us when she could and tell us tales of her childhood. She planned family participation nights that took great effort for her and which many parents didn’t take the time to do. We had singing nights where we all made up songs and game nights where we played board games and such. Tuesday night, for example, was TV night because mom loved Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley. She would make popcorn and let us drink soda after dinner, which was a treat for us and not something we would normally have; these were the type of nights that childhood memories are made of. Mom also had a special meal named for each of us. This made the inexpensive meal like Kelly Kasserole, which was just macaroni with a little hamburger meat and mom’s special tomato sauce, seem like a special extravagant meal to us. Mine was "Brian