Parenting in the Dark: Letting Go of Shame While Holding on to Hope

By Annette Ortiz Mata

Parenting in the Dark with the Lights On...letting go of shame, while holding on to hope. A journey of unexpected outcomes while you are pursing the role of parenting with all the best intention. We parent believing that we are doing our very best and offering and providing for our children the very best and ultimately they choose whether that was good enough.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 30, 2023
• ISBN: 9798823004664

Annette Ortiz Mata

Annette Ortiz Mata is a blogger and writer. In her blog she shares insights and personal stories with the hope to inspire and encourage the reader in their own journey. Her blogs can be found on www.soulofawoman.blog as well as on www.thriveglobal.com. She is also the former co-host of Table for 5 Podcast. A magazine style show which interviewed Grammy nominated artists, actors, CEOs, authors and politicians. She is a graduate of USC Gould School of Law with a Masters in the Studies of Law and Certificate of Entertainment Law. Annette resides in Los Angeles, CA. She is married and has two sons.

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2023 Annette Ortiz Mata. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  04/04/2023

ISBN: 979-8-8230-0464-0 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-8230-0465-7 (hc)

ISBN: 979-8-8230-0466-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023905735

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Dedication

To every mom and dad who has done their best.

You are not alone.

Contents

Introduction

Part 1: REVELATIONS

Chapter 1 He Is My Son

Chapter 2 My Boys

Part 2: REGRETS

Chapter 3 CPV

Chapter 4 Shame

Chapter 5 What I Know to Be True

Part 3: REFLECTIONS

Chapter 6 Forgiving Myself

Chapter 7 Can Our Marriage Survive?

Chapter 8 A Father’s Reflections

Part 4: RECOVERY

Chapter 9 Know Your Tribe

Chapter 10 Breathe…Again!

Chapter 11 Living with Hope

Epilogue

Final Thoughts

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Introduction

She looked straight at me and said, start writing.

I glanced up at her. Taken aback, I thought to myself, does she not see the staples on top of my head or the stitches running down my forehead?

I whispered, "I do not know where to begin; it hurts too much,"

and I was not referring to my obvious injuries.

She smiled and said, "Start from there—from the hurt."

So here goes one of the most gut-wrenching experiences my family and I have walked through post-COVID-19.

I struggled with the purpose of sharing my experience. I was not sure if there was any true value in it. Then I began to do my own unscientific research and learned that moms and dads do not discuss the brokenness of a parent-child relationship or the unmet expectations of their parenting due to shame.

What is the definition of shame? It is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

Shame took a seat in our psyche and began to wreak havoc in our lives.

It has been said in society that how well-adjusted our children are is a reflection of how great we parent, provide for, and love them. If that child is failing in life, then something was most certainly wrong at home. The bottom line our children are our calling cards.

Our society is conditioned to believe that lost children mean the parents are lost as well. It is not possible to have children who turn to drugs, alcohol, violence, or a life of trouble come from well-adjusted homes. We quickly judge the family without knowing the work, hope, and dreams placed on that child.

This is my story.

We are a family filled with love and commitment. A family that supplied a haven of stability and opportunity for our children, yet those qualifications were not enough for a curious child.

Parenting does not come with instructions, textbooks, or a table of contents offering up a plethora of chapters that will lead us to the answers to our most pressing questions. Even the best, well-intended experts come up short. We have debated the argument of nature versus nurture. How much of each one plays a role in our children’s lives? How much of nature can we manipulate through nurture, and is that ever a promising idea? Truly the battle of what works and what sticks is debatable, and what to avoid is relegated to books, podcasts, and opinions. Though all these resources serve a purpose, they do not decide the outcome or shape the child.

Their choices do!

Why did I delay drafting this book? Because it will cost me something.

It will cost me the realization that all I believed I was managing in my life, the life of my family, and the life in my home was out of my control. I had to realize that I was in love with the illusion of what it could be, not the reality of what it truly was.

To revisit my story and write it down for the world to analyze, scrutinize, judge, and Monday night quarterback was something I was not mentally or emotionally prepared for and may never be. Yet I understand that the recollection will always be painful whether I share my story now or later, but necessary so that others can forgive themselves and heal.

My experience will always pull me back to my core anchor, my faith. I share personal thoughts from journal entries that frame where my heart and mind were living during this season of my life. During this time, I read many books. In my daily reading of the Bible, I was especially drawn to the book of Job. A book found in the Old Testament of the Bible. This book recounts the challenges Job faced. He walked a long, dark hallway of disappointment, disease, destruction, and desolation. He recognized that God would never give up on him even if all his treasures fell away. For that simple belief, God chose him because God trusted him.

Please know that I am not claiming that my pain directly resulted from my trust in God. I believe God saw our family, looked down, and said,

"Have you met my friends, the Matas? I trust them." Just