Curious Not Furious: Empowering children to take charge of their brains and behaviour - a practical toolkit

By Alison Rendle

‘This book combines academic research with a clear, proven pathway to better outcomes for young people – in an entirely readable way.’Sarah Edwards, secondary school headteacher
‘I’ve been a foster parent for thirteen years and I can honestly say that the approacheswithin this book are life changing for how you can support young people and yourself forbetter mental health outcomes.’Liz Saunders, foster parent
More than ever before, young people face tough challenges as they navigate their waythrough our fast-changing and often confusing world. It can be hard for them to know howto respond to the situations they face, especially if they don’t yet have the skills they need.In Curious Not Furious, Alison Rendle and Kit Messenger explain how you can supportyoung people to develop their skills to cope with these challenges now and in the future.Based on the latest research into neuroscience, psychology, attachment and trauma,this book is packed with examples, stories, models and tools that will help you respondeffectively and with kindness, no matter what happens.
Whether you are a professional, a parent – or both – this book will help you to:• Understand what’s going on when young people are struggling• Respond well when challenges arise• Support young people to develop the skills they need now and for the future
Curious Not Furious is essential reading for any adult who wants to build their skills tosupport young people to be at their best. It can be read in its own right but it also sitsalongside the ground-breaking Empowerment Approach Training Programme, created anddelivered by Changing Chances CIC®.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ember Press
• Release date: Mar 16, 2023
• ISBN: 9781839786129

Book preview

Preface

Our motivation for writing this book is rooted in our life-long passion for education. We are using the word ‘education’ in its widest sense to include any interaction where an adult supports a young person to understand themselves better and helps them to build strong skills for life.

Our work is centred around a bold vision; call it utopian if you like – that’s fine, we believe in setting expectations high. It’s a vision of the sort of society we want for the future: a society where the children of today reach adulthood able to take charge of their own brains, emotions and behaviour; where they have the skills to be empathetic, flexible and emotionally intelligent neighbours, partners, parents, friends, employees and leaders.

We believe that our approach – the Empowerment Approach – brings something fresh to the debate about how adults can best support all young people, and especially those who are struggling. It puts the child right at the centre and creates a shared language of needs and skills rather than a language of blame and criticism. Our approach also empowers adults by giving them the tools and skills they need to help children and young people to thrive and succeed.

That’s why we founded Changing Chances CIC, that’s why we developed the Empowerment Approach, and that’s why we have written this book.

Whether you are a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, a police officer, a social worker or a sports coach, we hope this book gives you some inspiration, ideas and tools to use as you support, teach, coach, guide and care for the children and young people in your life.

We know that there’s a lot to take in between the covers of this book, so dive in and read the bits that interest you. Put it down, mull things over, try things out and then come back and read some more.

Alison Rendle

Kit Messenger

A guided tour through this book

This book follows the structure of the Empowerment Approach training programme, which means that you can read it alongside the training to deepen your understanding as you learn. Equally, you can read it having no prior knowledge of the approach. Either way, you will learn about the principles behind the approach, and you will pick up some great tools, tips and strategies that you can put into practice straight away.

We’ve included some icons to guide you through the text.

Structure of the book

The book is organised into five sections:

Getting Started with the Empowerment Approach

Building on the Foundations

Getting Brain Fit

Responding When Things Go Wrong

Follow-up for Progress and Repair

Section 1: Getting started with the Empowerment Approach

This section sets out our approach and introduces the foundation stones of the programme. You will learn:

what works best for children when it comes to improving behaviour

the importance of strong positive relationships

why expectations are so important

what current research has to tell us about reward and punishment

Section 2: Building on the Foundations

This section explains how you can support all children on a day-to-day basis so that they have the very best chance to do well. You will learn:

how the brain is built and shaped by experiences and relationships

our skills-based approach to Executive Function Skills

how to recognise our basic human needs, what happens when they are met and when they aren’t

how to spot signs of stress

Section 3: Getting Brain Fit

Models, tools and exercises to use with children and teenagers to help them get Brain Fit by building their skills and meeting their needs. You will learn:

what we mean by getting Brain Fit

the importance of filling Cups of Need in helpful ways

how to plan a Daily DOSE of Feel-Good Chemicals and how to keep stress levels low

how to help children develop their skills and the scaffolds they may need while they are still practising

Section 4: Responding When Things Go Wrong

This section sets out the actions you can take in the moment when things are going wrong for a child or teenager. Since skills take time to build and children are still learning, it’s inevitable that things will sometimes go wrong, but don’t worry – we’ll explain how to use Calm, Connect, Support. You will learn:

that how adults respond really matters

how to connect to your own calm

the trick to responding with connection

how to enable young people to get back on track

Section 5: Follow-up for Progress and Repair

Every time something goes wrong for a child or teenager, there must be follow-up. It’s so important not to skip this part since it is this kind, supportive follow-up conversation that helps children to understand what went wrong, how to manage better in future and how to make good any damage caused by their actions. You will learn:

how to coach young people so that they can cope when faced with future challenges

how to manage the repair stage

A Note on the Text

We have used the words child, teenager and young person interchangeably throughout the text. The Empowerment Approach is designed to work with all young people, no matter their age.

SECTION 1

GETTING STARTED WITH THE EMPOWERMENT APPROACH

CHAPTER 1

An Introduction to the Empowerment Approach

In this book, we are going to guide you through a structured approach to empower the children and teenagers around you to be at their best, to be stress-free and to achieve their potential. You can use what you learn here to support children and young people you live with and care for; those you teach; those in your custody or accessing your services. We call this the ‘Empowerment Approach’.

What is the Empowerment Approach?

The Empowerment Approach is an innovative, research-based programme that supports all children and teenagers, whatever their age, to be at their best and to build the skills that will help them to do well in their daily activities. It also lays essential foundations for happy and fulfilled adult lives. It is a multi-disciplinary approach, combining the latest research and practice from the fields of education, psychology, coaching and neuroscience. As such, the Empowerment Approach recognises the impact of developmental trauma, attachment and genetic brain differences. It is underpinned by research into therapeutic approaches to working with all children and teenagers – especially those who are struggling in some way.

The Empowerment Approach has been shown to help all children and teenagers to engage positively in every aspect of their lives: in their relationships with families and friends, at school or college, and in their wider communities. It also works particularly well with those who are struggling to cope with the day-to-day challenges they encounter. Perhaps they are involved in criminal or risky behaviour or struggling to manage strong emotions such as anger or frustration. Maybe they are underperforming at school or not engaging in education. Equally, the approach has proved very effective in supporting those who are withdrawn, anxious or finding it hard to make connections with those around them.

As you make your way through this book, you will learn about the importance of teaching children and the adults around them about their brains, their needs and their habitual responses to the problems they encounter.

We will take you step by step through our very practical approach to providing children and teenagers with the tools and understanding to tackle any challenges. We will introduce you to straightforward and practical strategies for responding in the moment when things go wrong, and for following up in ways that enable children to make progress.

You will come to understand the vital importance of strong relationships between adults and young people: relationships characterised by positive communication, mutual respect and listening closely, so that you really understand the young person’s experience.

Skills for today and for the future

The Empowerment Approach is about equipping children with the skills and understanding they need to feel physically and emotionally well. This will enable them to learn and achieve at their best each and every day.

And it’s also about enabling them to build the pro-social and pro-learning skills required to thrive and succeed as they move into adulthood, skills that they will need in future to become great partners, employees, neighbours and parents.

Who is the Empowerment Approach for?

The Empowerment Approach is for any adult who teaches, lives with, cares for, and loves and supports children and teenagers. You will come to a better understanding of why young people may struggle in certain situations and you will learn some really helpful strategies and tools. It will also equip you with the skills you need to support young people effectively. The ultimate goal is that all young people can understand their brains, their needs and stressors and develop strategies for engaging successfully with other people.

How does the Empowerment Approach help children and teenagers?

Young people generally know when their responses aren’t working well for them or for the people around them. This isn’t big news; after all, it has probably been pointed out to them over and over again. What they rarely understand is why.

Our approach provides the information, tools and techniques that you will need as you work with children and help them to understand and take charge of their brains. This puts them in a better position to plan and work on any changes they want to make in their responses to people and events.

The Empowerment Approach provides a structured way to develop young people’s skills in four key areas that are essential to achievement, happiness and social engagement:

Moving towards conscious control

A key goal of the Empowerment Approach is to empower children to understand their brains, emotions, needs and stressors and learn how these impact on their behaviour. As their understanding and awareness grows, they will increasingly build a sense of control. This process of moving towards conscious control is so important. After all, how can anyone hope to change something that they don’t understand?

Stage 1 – Unconsciously driven

When children are unconsciously driven, they are on auto-pilot. They know their reactions aren’t always OK, but they don’t know why they react negatively to specific events, people and triggers.

Stage 2 – Consciously aware

When children are consciously aware, they recognise their own needs and understand their habitual reactions to certain situations and people. They are developing a growing belief that they have the skills and ability to manage their stressors.

Stage 3 – Consciously practising

When children are consciously practising, they are starting to put this understanding into practice, and are working hard to meet their needs in ways that are good for them and for everyone around them. Their skills are developing and they are becoming better able to manage their stressors. This isn’t easy, and change doesn’t happen overnight, so they will need lots of practice and encouragement.

Stage 4 – Consciously in control

When children are consciously in control, they know how to prepare for situations so they can control their reactions to any difficulties that come along. They know how to meet their needs in helpful ways and have the skills to deal with any stressors they encounter.

CHAPTER 2

Improving behaviour – what works best for children?

Be curious, not furious

The Empowerment Approach is built on three key principles. First, all young people (and the adults around them) will benefit from learning about themselves: finding out how their brain works and understanding their needs and stressors. This knowledge will help them to make sense of what’s happening, especially when things go wrong for them. Second, they need plenty of opportunities to learn and practise the skills that will help them to manage well whatever challenges life throws their way. And the third principle is that the way in which adults respond when things go wrong for children and how they follow up incidents are crucial factors in determining whether a child has a great outcome or a poorer one.

In this chapter, we will explore a range of approaches adults can use when a child or teenager experiences difficulties in regulating their emotions or regularly gets into difficulties at home or in the classroom.

Let’s start by looking at Hayley and her step-mum.

What Hayley and her step-mum were engaged in was a classic tug-of-war. The adult tugs the rope and the child pulls back even harder. This battle continues to and fro until the child feels they have had enough and they simply cut the rope. They pull right away and separate themselves from the adult, sometimes putting themselves in harm’s way in the process.

You may be wondering why the reward (or bribe) of the trainers didn’t work for Hayley. Well, it’s all to do with whether the desire for the trainers is stronger than her need to continue the behaviour that her step-mum is trying to discourage. It’s also about whether the trainers are even in Hayley’s mind when she is with her friends and away from her step-mum’s influence – probably not.

Polarised positions on behaviour management

So much has been written over many years about what causes behaviour difficulties in children and what adults can, should or must do about it. From the debate about corporal punishment in schools during the 1960s and 1970s, through discussion of the pros and cons of the naughty step and smacking by parents, and on to more recent debates around the long-term harm caused by school exclusion.

If you put a search into Google, you will find people adopting highly polarised positions about how parents, carers, teachers, social workers and the criminal justice system can best manage and modify the behaviour of children. It is clearly a subject that provokes strong emotions, and rightly so. Children only have one chance to grow up and it is the responsibility of the adults around them to provide the care, guidance and support required to lay strong foundations for happy and fulfilled adult lives.

What’s the evidence for the Empowerment Approach?

The Empowerment Approach builds on the ideas and theories of a range of key thinkers and researchers. It is based on extensive research into areas such as self-efficacy, or the belief that ‘I can’; how emotional needs drive behaviour; attachment and trauma; neuroscience and brain development; emotional literacy; self-regulation and Executive Function Skills.

You will find a list of further reading and resources at the end of the book. If you are interested in delving deeper into the research, a browse through these titles will be a great place to start.

A continuum of approaches

We can use a multitude of approaches with children and teenagers who are struggling at school or college, in the home and within their communities. These approaches can usefully be envisaged as sitting along a continuum, with control-based approaches at one end and trauma-informed, therapeutic approaches at the other. Everything you will read about in this book sits firmly at the therapeutic end of that continuum, based on a wide and growing body of evidence that such approaches are most effective at building skills for success through childhood, adolescence and into adult life.

Control-based approaches: the most commonly used

Let’s start with the most commonly-used approaches to managing unhelpful behaviour, those that sit at the control-based end of the continuum. Such approaches are based on the simplistic idea that children’s behaviour can be modified simply by positive or negative reinforcement, a bit like a puppet master at work.

To understand this, take the example of a child who refuses to go to bed and becomes agitated or angry when their parent tries to enforce a set bedtime. Those who subscribe to a control-based way of thinking about behaviour might say that this child needs to learn how to ‘behave properly’ at bedtime. In practice, this means they should be told clearly when to go to bed and how they are expected to behave in the run-up to bed time. Their parents must be determined and consistent in enforcing these expectations. If the child still doesn’t comply, they should be punished, perhaps by denying them something they enjoy. If they do as they are told they may be rewarded, perhaps gathering positive stickers each time they go to bed without a fuss, and then earning a treat when enough stickers have been accumulated.

Those who follow such approaches recommend clear and rigid codes of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, with rewards given when those expectations are met and punishments or consequences doled out when they aren’t. In this way, it is believed that children will come to recognise the positive and negative consequences of their actions and modify their behaviour accordingly.

You probably experienced something a bit like this when you were a child, most of us did. This means that this approach can feel like an entirely natural and obvious way to teach children how to behave as they are expected. It may surprise you to learn that there is a wide and growing body of evidence (see Further Reading at the end of the book) to suggest that while control-based approaches can be effective with many children and often work in the short term, they are least effective with those children who struggle the most to ‘do as they are told’.

One problem with control-based approaches is that they tend to operate on a one-size-fits-all basis, meaning that they do not work equally well for all young people. In fact, they often ignore the fact that many young people will naturally comply with what is expected of them without the need for any reward or punishment at all. Also, these approaches do nothing to build the self-knowledge and skills young people will need to achieve well in their adult lives. They can even be counter-productive: the more stringently such approaches are enforced by the adult, the more strongly the young person may pull in the other direction, just as Hayley did.

In fact, control-based approaches are actually designed for the minority of young people; a minority whose life experiences and lack of skills mean that they find it difficult to meet the behavioural demands placed on them. These young people’s struggles may be exacerbated by trauma, learning difficulties, their brain development or their emotional state. It doesn’t matter how much you bribe or punish them: they will still struggle to do what you are asking of them. It’s not that they won’t, it’s that they can’t.

Control-based approaches fail to take account of the complex nature of human learning and thinking processes. In short, they ignore the needs of the individual and focus instead on suppressing unwanted behaviours. As a result, these approaches have little long-term