Mother to Mother: A Handbook of Helpful, Hopeful Information Only another Mother Will Tell You About Your Child's Addiction

By Diana Leaman

About the Book
Mother to Mother is a collection of stories compiled and written by mothers who have witnessed and struggled with the tragedy of addicted children. What makes Mother to Mother so interesting is the diversity of the mothers who share their stories: diverse racially, socio-economically, different religions and backgrounds. This book is highly relevant because substance abuse is running rampant through our society whether it be in the United States or any other country in the world… any country. Mothers must be able to detect the problem and know what to do with that knowledge. Addiction is poisoning our nation’s youth, along with the rest of the world’s youth. If we can get a handle on addiction, crime will come down, families will remain together, and, perhaps, we will learn to communicate with one another. What I want mothers to take away from this book is the knowledge learned from other mothers and hope that there is an end to this beast of addiction.

About the Author
Diana Leaman was born in Dallas, Texas and grew up in Crane, Texas, a little town plopped in the middle of the Wrst Texas oil fields. From Crane, she went to Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas majoring in Theatre and English and has continued to be active in both fields. Diana was also involved in an international real estate firm affording her the opportunity to spend time and study in Europe. She and her husband live between Dallas and Odessa, Texas.
Jill Fukazawa was a Japanese American and was one of the last children born in a Japanese interment after the second world war. The camp was located near Albuquerque, New Mexico where Jill grew up. She was a diverse writer. Mother to Mother was her final project. Jill passed away too soon. She is survived by family and all who loved her.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dorrance Publishing Company
• Release date: Apr 19, 2023
• ISBN: 9781639377992

Book preview

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Foreword and Disclaimers

Although names were changed to ensure the privacy of participants, the stories are all true. Try to read these stories from your own personal perspective. Think about what applies to you and your child. Practice the communication skills these mothers have used successfully. Counsel with professionals, read other books, and attend Al-Anon meetings. Above all take care of your own health and emotional needs because you are in this for the long haul. Your survival, your family’s, and even the survival of your drug or alcohol abusing child, depends on you learning what you CAN DO...and even more important, what you MUST NOT DO for your child; how to be a good mother and not a smothering mother; how to take charge of the situation instead of letting the situation drag you through the mire; and how to turn those fears of inadequacy as a mother and anger towards your child into powerful tools of growth and survival.

It can happen to anyone.

It could happen to your child.

Are you prepared to deal with it?

Let us show you how.

Synopsis

CHAPTER ONE:

MOTHERS WHO COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE

The turning point in helping a child may be for the mother to imagine — even wish -her child dead, This allows the mother to detach herself from her child, to view the situation more clearly.

We start this book at the beginning of the end, when mothers become detached enough to be rational participants in recovery, so that you can read these mothers’ stories and, we hope, leapfrog over some of the worst experiences.

There are certain emotions a mother is likely to feel at this point. These are the healthy ones:

Fear. It is reasonable to fear your child’s death by suicide, overdose, violence, or automobile accident. It is also reasonable to fear AIDS, brain damage, and physical confrontations with drug dealers.

Anger. It is anger that finally strips away the denial and delusional belief that you, the mother, can get that child to stop abusing drugs or alcohol.

Bottoming out.. When you are finally stretched to the breaking point, you snap.

You realize that your child has to take responsibility for himself.

Letting go. Now rational thought can take over. You understand that mothers who try to fix everything for their children are the prime enablers of drug abuse.

CHAPTER TWO:

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHILD

IS ABUSING DRUGS OR ALCOHOL

It can be difficult to distinguish normal rebellious adolescent behavior from drugrelated behavior. Use your own awareness of your child’s normal appearance and behavior, and look for the following telltale signs of drug abuse:

• change in appearance

• lying and stealing

• change in behavior/disappearance of old friends

• abusive family relationships

• change in eating and sleeping patterns

• loss of interest in favorite activities/problems at school

• erratic behavior

• fatigue, withdrawal, careless grooming

CHAPTER THREE:

ADDICTION — THE DISEASE

In 1991 there were an estimated 26 million people using illicit drugs. You probably know someone addicted to drugs or alcohol. It hits people of all ages, sizes, races, regions, and economic backgrounds.

For now, we will use the Alcoholics Anonymous definition of chemical dependency as a progressive and potentially fatal disease. Remember two things: (1) no matter what the substance of choice, the body eventually requires increasing amounts for the desired effect; and (2) eventually the addict will be out of control.

There are several personality traits that have been linked to risk of addiction. The most pronounced is low self-esteem. There is also some evidence of genetic predisposition.

Be aware that everyone in your family will be affected by your child’s addiction. The financial impact is enormous. The disruption to family dynamics is impossible to overstate. Everything within the family changes, and for some inexplicable reason you, the mother, are supposed to be the cog in the wheel that keeps everyone’s world functioning! Some marriages can’t withstand the stress. Some siblings of addicts feel, understandably, neglected. Everything is thrown out of balance, and it is tempting to blame the addict Through it all, you have to keep in mind that you are fighting the disease, not the child.

CHAPTER FOUR:

HOW A MOTHER FEELS ABOUT HER CHILD’S BEHAVIOR AND CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY

We must distinguish between productive feelings (fear and anger) and nonproductive feelings (guilt, blame, shame, sadness, embarrassment, disappointment, and hopelessness). When the nonproductive feelings hit you, acknowledge them, forgive yourself, and move on. You may experience guilt over mistakes you made in raising your child. Fine. But don’t let that guilt lead you to a rash, irrational response. You will only make things worse.You may feel shame. In some way, you think, my child’s addiction is a reflection on me. Your disappointment may be especially profound if you focus on your child’s untapped potential.

You may even dislike your child for what he has become.

CHAPTER FIVE:

THE TERRIBLE TWOSOME DENIAL AND ENABLING

Two factors tend to strengthen a mother’s denial of her child’s addiction: (I) an unusually high regard for or excessive closeness to the child; and (2) a great desire for the child to excel.

Knowledge about drugs helps you fight ignorance, and ignorance is a major part of denial. Your denial actually encourages your child to continue using drugs or alcohol. You also enable continued drug use by overprotecting and over -mothering your child.

CHAPTER SIX:

NOW WHAT? LETTING GO AND DETACHING

There are times when a child shouldn’t be rescued. He should learn from his errors, even if it hurts, even if it costs him money, even if it means failure in school or loss of friendships. Only by allowing your child to fail will you make him take responsibility for his own life.

Rather than cosseting your child, catching him each time he teeters, you must let him fall. And you must make him believe that you mean it when you tell him you won’t help.

You must set up boundaries — consequences for failure or uncooperativeness. Every mother we talked to considered the establishment of boundaries the most important principle she learned. Force your child to make his own choices and then stand firm. Mean it when you say, If you stay sober, I’ll support your education. One slip, and you stop the checks. You must be fair, consistent, and united as a parental

CHAPTER SEVEN:

FIGHTING BACK — WHAT TO DO AND NOT DO

It may sound like fighting dirty, but an addicted child isn’t playing fair, either. You can and should spy, eavesdrop, search rooms, read notes, and confiscate telephone numbers. Lock up any alcohol or prescription drugs you keep in the house. Better yet, get rid of it.. Or keep prescription drugs at work. Use what leverage you have. Cut off your child’s supply of money if you find that he is using drugs or alcohol. Don’t bail him out of jail immediately if he has been arrested for possession. Stand firm. Let him face society’s consequences and yours. Your own anger may cloud your rational judgment. Give yourself time-outs to regain composure before taking action. Work on your communication skills. And be open to the suggestions of other mothers and Al-Anon support groups.

CHAPTER EIGHT:

TREATMENT — WHO TO CALL AND WHAT TO ASK

Treatment works. Usually not the first time, probably not as quickly as we would like, and sometimes not for good. But the combination of sound professional care, trained individuals, proven techniques, family participation, and behavioral changes does mount a terrific attack on the disease of chemical dependency.

A good treatment program includes detoxification, exploration of why the user uses, evaluation of what emotional states are catalysts for use, and education in changing old behavioral patterns. Most insurance carriers cover a 30-day treatment program. Depending on the drug and the individual involved, this may or may not be a sufficient treatment period.

There are several types of treatment facilities: out-patient, in-patient (drug treatment center or psychiatric hospital), and therapeutic community. Costs range from $5,000 to $30,000 per month for treatment that may take anywhere from 1 month to 2 years.

Check your insurance coverage carefully. Then investigate some alternatives. Don’t go into bankruptcy to put your child through treatment. Financial help is available. To choose a treatment center, start by calling an independent, unbiased source for guidance. After doing your research, select a form of treatment best suited to your child’s personality and specific addiction. You may need to be creative and tough to get your child to accept treatment.

Outside intervention may be necessary. As I did, you may even have to take out a mental health warrant.

CHAPTER NINE:

TREATMENT — WHAT HAPPENS

To greatly simplify a typical 30-day treatment program: the first week is detox, the second week is therapy and education, the third week is Family Week, and the last week is integration of therapy and preparation for release. Usually, the treatment center routine is very restrictive. There are no secrets, no holding back, no hiding emotions. Family Week, in which the whole family is encouraged to participate, is exhausting and traumatic. You will learn more than you ever wanted to know about your child, his feelings about you, and the family dynamics. At the end of the week, you and your child should come up with a contract detailing the ground rules for life after treatment. You should both sign the contract and live up to it This is the ultimate set of boundaries — for you as well as for your child.

CHAPTER TEN:

WILL MY CHILD DIE WITHOUT TREATMENT?

In-patient treatment may not be a viable option for your child. Alternatives include AA, Narcotics Anonymous, Tough Love, Straight, religion, and even extreme cases of parents and children going it alone.

Tough Love is a self-help system for parents of troubled adolescents. This program actually features opportunities for temporary child exchange! Straight is a one-year program of rough outpatient treatment. In this program, your child lives with another family. You contract to open your home to other addicted children in the future. AA and NA are 12-step programs encouraging the relinquishing of individual control to a higher power.

CHAPTER ELEVEN:

AFTER TREATMENT: GOING TO A HALFWAY HOUSE OR COMING HOME

A halfway house, though not typically covered by insurance, makes a nice stepping stone between the restricted life of the treatment center and the vast freedoms of society. Usually staffed by recovering addicts, halfway houses cost $300 to $600 per month for what is usually a 6-week to 3-month stay. Holding a job, doing chores, and participating in group therapy are requirements for living in a halfway house.

The alternative, coming straight home from the treatment center, requires an active commitment on your part. You must stick to your contract, help your child set realistic goals, and learn to back off from overprotective behavior. Other family members, who will probably have unrealistic expectations of the addicted child being back to normal will experience anger and frustration. You must do your best to keep your child away from old druggie friends and locations. As he did in treatment, let your child earn the things that mean the most to him — use of the car, money for entertainment.

CHAPTER TWELVE:

RELAPSE — NOT AGAIN. PLEASE, NOT AGAIN.

The average drug addict relapses three times. Don’t assume you’re out of the woods. Be prepared for it. Maturity seems to have something to do with an individual’s ability to stay clean and sober.

At least you face each relapse with more earned knowledge and experience than you had before. Each time, you will be more prepared and less willing to be a victim of your child’s abuse.

How do you recognize a relapse? A reappearance of old druggie friends is one sign.

Other signs are changes in behavior and appearance that you, as his mother, will notice. How do you respond to a relapse? Cut off all financial support immediately. The boundaries have been overstepped; act on the consequences. And recognize that treatment shortens each subsequent relapse.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:

MOTHERING YOURSELF

Most mothers of addicted children become completely consumed by that child’s needs and problems. Don’t let it ruin your life.

Indulge yourself ..... exercise, buy a new dress, get a massage. Talk to another mother. Get involved in public service. Pay attention to your marriage. Get therapy for yourself. Do something that makes you happy, that is fulfilling as we have done in compiling this book.

Preface

Not my child, we mothers insist. My child isn’t an addict or an alcoholic. You are probably saying this to yourself right now, just as all of us, all the mothers you will meet in this book, have said. But the fact is, drugs are as easy to come by as a can of beer was when we were young, and the world today is rife with excuses for our children to escape their problems, real and perceived, into the comfort of drugs and alcohol.

Some things only a mother understands, only a mother can tell you. That’s what this book is all about — the things no one else will tell you about your child’s drug or alcohol abuse plus some standard information that every parent should arm themselves with as they try to raise their children in this often hostile environment we must all live in today.

The stories, warnings, and advice are organized to follow the progression of addiction thereby providing a road map to your child’s recovery. You’ll learn what to do and when. Instead of one solution to each problem, you will read about a range of possibilities. Mothers can be very creative and very dangerous with their backs against the wall. What one of these old warriors did to save her child could translate perfectly into your situation or it could be the catalyst to helping you come up with your own brilliant strategy. If nothing else, we think you will be inspired and encouraged to wage your own fight.

You’ve heard the old saying, If I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes. You’ll know what other mothers have experienced, when and why they failed, and how they made a difference. You will learn to set boundaries and how to take care of yourself. You will have the benefit of advice many of us didn’t receive until our children went to treatment. You will learn what to do about your addictive child as well as how to protect your entire family. Finally, you will learn how to maintain your sanity and even your sense of humor.

You may be a mother with only the earliest suspicions that your child is abusing drugs or alcohol, or you may be confusing drug behavior with adolescent behavior. How do you tell the difference? What do you do before it’s too late?

If you are absolutely positive your child has a drug or alcohol problem, how do you find the right treatment center? What’s in-patient and out-patient treatment: How much does treatment cost? What do you do if you don’t have the money or the right insurance? What happens when your child comes home from treatment? Is he or she cured? Do you hide the liquor? Can your child be left alone? No one told you that your seventeen year old might behave more like a twelve year old. It’s very confusing.

What about relapse? Our children relapse an average of three times. How are you going to get through it again? What about the rest of your family? Haven’t you neglected them long enough? And your marriage, can it survive?

Then, there are all the fears. Will your child fail in school, go to jail, get AIDS? Will your daughter get pregnant? Will your child be killed? What about the anger, frustration, disgust, and even hatred you feel against your own child? How do you learn to cope?

Outline

Mother to Mother is a guidebook for mothers facing the agonizing experience of trying to help children who are addicted to drugs. The book was compiled and written by two mothers who have been there, and features amusing anecdotes and heartbreaking stories, personal advice, do’s and don’ts, resource information, and basic emotional support from a large panel of mothers of addicts. The mothers — and their addicted children — come from varied backgrounds. Some are wealthy, some are poor. Some are Caucasian, some are African-American, some are Japanese-American. Some addicts arc 12 years old, others are 35. Drugs of choice range from alcohol to marijuana to cocaine to heroine to crack. The message in all this diversity? It can happen to anyone. It could happen to your child. Are you prepared to deal with it? Let us show you how.

Mother to Mother takes a warm, nonjudgmental approach to helping both mothers and children. The authors are experts by default; their expertise is based in the lack of guidance available elsewhere, the discoveries they had to make themselves.

Fukuzawa and Leaman saw their own children go through cycles of addiction, treatment, and relapse. They live now in guarded optimism. The positive attitude of their book is a reflection of the value they place on the knowledge they have gained from their experiences. Indeed, this knowledge is valuable. Especially valuable when made available to other mothers unsure of the next step in winning their children back from drugs and alcohol.

Introduction 1: Jill and Louis

Do you know what this is? the roofing foreman asked me, handing over a clear plastic oval cylinder on a flat base. I pondered its dimensions — about ten-inches tall and three-inches wide — the top was open; towards the bottom a little spout extended from one side. I turned it around and around trying to determine its use.

Where did you find it? I asked, groping for clues.

On the roof under the heat pump unit, he answered.

Ah-hah, it came from outside, I thought to myself. Is it a rain gauge? I asked. The roofer howled with pleasure, enjoying my stupidity immensely, You really don’t know what it is, do you? No, not really. What do you think it is? I asked, uncomfortable with my obvious ignorance, while thinking to myself, Asshole, why don’t you just tell me what it is. It’s a bong. If you have kids, they’ve probably been sunbathing and smoking pot on your roof, he said.

Could it be true? I wondered. Could one of the boys be using drugs? If so, which one? Or was it both of them? There had to be some other explanation. Maybe it was one of their friends. Maybe the telephone repairman had left it on the roof two weeks earlier.

What innocence, ignorance, stupidity, and denial! This first recollection of any involvement with drugs feels so long ago that surely another person lived it but it is where most mothers begin their nightmare journey with a chemically dependent child...without a clue.

First Jay and I visited Daniel at a state university...a friendly visit, not one specifically to uncover information about the bong. (Jay is Daniel’s biological father and Louis’ adoptive father.) Never-the-less, as planned before our arrival, Jay pulled out the bong and smashed it with a hammer. My friend is really going to be mad at me, Daniel protested. Now I’ll have to buy him another one. You had no right destroying something that didn’t belong to you.

The snow was over a foot deep on the school grounds when Jay and I visited Louis in Colorado. The students would run on a path through the snow across a field and over a little bridge that spanned a creek to get from their dorm to the main cluster of buildings. What a blissful and enviable existence I thought to myself.

The hairs in my nostrils turn to icicles when I run back to the dorm at night. The floors in the bathroom are so cold, my feet freeze to the concrete when I shower in the morning. The food is so bad not even the dogs will eat it. Everyone hates me. My skis have been stolen. Someone urinated in my bed. When I ask the teachers for extra help, they refuse to help me. I hate it here, How incredible that a single person could conjure up so many imaginative tortures! Too bad I couldn’t appreciate it as a comedy routine at the time.

Poor Louis, I thought, as bright and sophisticated as he is with adults, he doesn’t have the self-confidence to stand up to kids his own age. How amazing that I could absolve him of any responsibility for all these problems and even transfer the blame to myself. I wanted to rescue him, to ease his pain, and solve his problems — a life long and destructive pattern that prevented Louis from ever learning to be responsible for himself.

New skis, a jacket, and goggles later, Louis agreed to stay in boarding school. Then after a tearful farewell, I watched him happily run outdoors to be with some friends. It was like witnessing Louis starting kindergarten. He would scream, cry, and clutch my legs begging me not to leave him. Extricating myself from his grip and with tears in my own eyes, I would bravely walk out the door. By the time I was outside and looked back through the window, Louis would be laughing and playing. It was like de’ja vu. This time Louis happily called to the other boys who were hidden by a huge mound of snow. A thick billow of smoke rose over this hideaway. Surely those were not joints in their fingers?

The next year and a half consisted of almost nightly phone calls, sometimes hours long, when Louis poured out his complaints and problems. I would cry through what remained of the night but by the next morning I was on the phone fixing whatever problem Louis needed fixing.

Throughout this period the many small incidents with drugs should have alerted me. Once the dorm father discovered a bong under Louis’ pillow but, of course, he was hiding it for a friend. The students and locals had some drug dealings, but Louis was an innocent bystander who got blamed. In Spain (the entire school visited a foreign country for a month in the spring when the snows melted and the campus was uninhabitable) everyone drank and used hashish, even the teachers and chaperones. Isn’t it convenient how we believe what we want to hear?

Finally the fight to keep Louis in boarding school became too exhausting. I gave up. He had won again. For his senior year, Louis returned home to public school. From eating, skiing, studying, and living under close supervision and regimentation with the same twenty boys, he was thrown into the chaos and freedom of a large city high school. From depending on a school bus or the occassional goodwill of a teacher for transportation, Louis had the wings of a car. What he didn’t have was self-esteem and supportive friends.

These ingredients, his past, and his chemistry (a genetic predisposition to addiction) produced the fertile environment for Louis’ addiction. Later in treatment when itemizing his drug list, Louis admitted his usage during this time amounted to a joint on the way to school, a joint in the school parking lot one when he went out for lunch, one when he left school to go to work, one after work, and a least one before he went to bed. Louis smoked marijuana like other people smoked cigarettes.

How could anyone possibly function on so much marijuana? Why couldn’t I see it in his eyes, or smell it? I suspected something had to be wrong because his behavior was becoming more erratic and hostile. His grades plummeted. I kept meeting with his teachers for some answers — they were all sympathetic but not one mentioned the possibility of drugs. Louis also spent less and less time at home. He ignored his curfew and our subsequent confrontations erupted into a storm of abuses followed by a raging exit from the house and the squeal of tires down the street. The next day he apologized profusely; we kissed, made-up, and promised never to behave towards each other as we had the day before. By evening Louis was stoned and forgot his promise. His behavior once again became belligerent which in turn dissolved my intentions to behave more rationally.

I was powerless to control his behavior and so again the anger spewed from my mouth. "Why are you doing this to me and your father? How can someone so bright, behave so stupidly? You’ll have to leave our