A Journal of Thoughts, Dreams and Impressions

By Ercell H Hoffman

THERE IS NOTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN A PEACEFUL LIFE... THE TROUBLE WITH ME IS THAT I WANT IT ALL THE TIME, NOT JUST BRIEF SNATCHES.

 

Based on a decade of personal growth and metamorphosis, Ercell Hoffman's inspirational journal reflects her long and tortuous search for happiness. The author's private thoughts, dreams, and impr

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ercell Hoffman Publishing
• Release date: Feb 2, 2023
• ISBN: 9781958920237

Book preview

From July 1, 1974 through July 18, 1974 I kept a precise record of my weight, both a.m. (upon awakening) and p.m. (before retiring) accompanied by a Calories & Comments column. It went like this:

I weighed in again on the morning of July 28 at 152 pounds; August 5, 157; August 25, 154; Dec. 26, 150; Jan. 2, 1975, 149; and finally Jan. 9, 1975 at 145 pounds.

I recorded again in my journal as follows:

1/11/76 DREAM

I am in my house. A friend of whom I am particularly fond of comes to my house. I have visitors so my friend leaves the house. He goes to my sister’s house. When morning comes, I am anxious to find out from my sister if my friend has left her house en route to mine.

My friend appears. To express my love, I kiss him on the lips. During the kiss, I learn my friend is hallow. His skull chatters.

When my friend had arrived, another friend recognized my situation and went out of the back door as my friend comes through the front one. I can hear the footsteps of my visitor who is leaving and those of my friend who is coming as they pass each other.

1/13/76 DREAM

Mother has died. I’m inside the yard of the church where her funeral will be. I have a small child with me. She is mine. Inside the church yard, there is an odd-looking man. He looks at my daughter and she begins to cry. Mother shakes hands with the man. As I am going up the church steps, the man grimaces his face at me. I see that he is horribly ugly. I decide mother is friendly with him because he is death and she is dead. Inside the church there is a jazz band. I wonder what mother would think if she knew the music sounds good. I ask my sisters if they saw the strange man outside. They did.

Tips On How to Stay Fat

I read in the May 1976 issue of the Reader’s Digest an article, Stay Slim For Good, which suggested, among other things, as a method to lose weight that the person eats whatever he or she may want or like but only under certain conditions. One was that during mealtime (three times daily along with two snack meals) the person must set up the eating area as one might find it in a restaurant or coffee shop. Another condition was that concentration was to be, primarily, on the function of eating, without interruption of thought such as listening to music or reading while eating.

On April 22, 1976 I started the program. Incidentally, the person was to keep a record of everything he or she consumed throughout the day. Mine went as follows:

April 22 1976

Breakfast: One boiled egg, one English muffin with butter, one slice of ham, one teaspoon of honey in coffee.

Snack: One orange, one 8 oz. cup of milk.

Lunch: 1/2 slice of ham, 1 slice of French style bread with mayonnaise spread lightly, mustard and lettuce.

Dinner: One bowl of chili beans, about 10 crackers, one peach turnover.

Snack: 8 oz. of milk, two graham crackers.

April 23 1976

Breakfast: One egg, one English muffin, two strips of bacon, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One square of cake, one cup of punch.

Lunch: 1/2 slice of ham, one piece of bread, spread lightly with mayonnaise, mustard and lettuce.

Dinner: One bowl chili beans, 10 crackers.

Snack: Two Chinese cookies, 8 oz. of milk

April 24 1976

Breakfast: One boiled egg, one English muffin with butter, three strips of bacon and one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/2 grapefruit

Lunch: 1/2 tuna sandwich, 7 oz. of milk

Dinner: Creamed potatoes, gravy, roast beef, one toast, mixed vegetables, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One piece of cake, one cup punch, 3 cashew nuts.

(I always eat alone, so there’s no need to record the fact.)

April 25 1976

Breakfast: 8 oz. of milk, bowl of grapenut flakes, one tablespoon sugar.

Snack: 1/2 grapefruit

Lunch: 1/2 tuna sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes. 8 oz. of milk.

Dinner: Roast beef, creamed potatoes, one slice of toast, green peas, one teaspoon sugar in coffee.

Snack: One pear

April 26 1976

Breakfast: (Nothing listed).

Snack: 1/2 grapefruit

Lunch: Ham sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes. 8 oz. of grapefruit juice.

Dinner: Fish sandwich with lettuce and sauce, green salad with dressing, French fries with catsup, 8 oz. of milk. (I forgot my water because I ate out.)

Snack: Two graham crackers, 4 oz. of milk.

April 27 1976

Breakfast: One English muffin, two strips of bacon, one egg, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One pear, 8 oz. of milk

Lunch: Roast beef sandwich with lettuce.

Dinner: Fried potatoes, green peas, roast beef, one piece French bread, teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: Small serving vanilla ice cream with three tablespoons wheatgerm.

April 28 1976

Breakfast: Two strips of bacon, one English muffin, one egg, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/2 grapefruit, 8 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Roast beef sandwich, two celery sticks.

Dinner: Fried potatoes, green peas, three chicken wings, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 4 oz. of milk, two graham crackers.

April 29 1976

Breakfast: One egg, two strips of bacon, one English muffin, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/3 qt. milk, one pear.

Lunch: One tuna sandwich.

Dinner: Three fried chicken wings, 10 Ritz crackers, one bowl pork and beans, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One orange, 4 oz. of milk

April 30 1976

Breakfast: One English muffin with butter, two strips of bacon, one egg, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: Two graham crackers with peanut butter.

Lunch: Five Ritz crackers, small helping roast beef, small serving pork and beans.

Dinner: Cabbage, boiled beef, cole slaw, two tablespoons pork and beans, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

May 1 1976

Breakfast: One egg, two strips of bacon, English muffin with butter, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Lunch: Cabbage with beef, one tablespoon pork and beans, cole slaw.

Dinner: Bowl of chili beans, tomato and lettuce salad.

Snack: Four graham crackers with peanut butter, 4 oz. of milk.

May 2 1976

Breakfast: One bowl cold cereal, 8 oz. of milk, one tablespoon sugar.

Snack: Four graham crackers with peanut butter, 6 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Two tablespoons pork and beans, cabbage with beef, Cole slaw.

Dinner: One bowl chili beans, seven crackers, lettuce and tomatoes, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: Two graham crackers, 4 oz. of milk

May 3 1976

Breakfast: One boiled egg, one English muffin, two strips of bacon, one teaspoon of honey in coffee.

Snack: Four graham crackers with peanut butter, 6 oz. grapefruit juice.

Lunch: Ham sandwich with lettuce.

Dinner: Lettuce and tomato salad, seven saltine crackers, bowl of chili beans.

Snack: Two graham crackers, 4 oz. of milk.

May 4 1976

Breakfast: One English muffin, one boiled egg, two strips of bacon, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/2 apple, 8 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Tuna sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes.

Dinner: Cabbage, beef, pork ‘n beans, cole slaw. 6 Ritz crackers, honey in coffee.

Snack: Three graham crackers with peanut butter, 6 oz of milk.

May 5 1976

Breakfast: One English muffin, one boiled egg, two strips of bacon, teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: Eight Ritz crackers, American cheese, 6 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Two tablespoons pork ‘n beans, three crackers, one wiener.

Dinner: Bowl chili beans, celery sticks, nine soda crackers, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: Two graham crackers, 6 oz. of milk.

May 6 1976

Breakfast: One boiled egg, one English muffin, two strips of bacon, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: 1/2 apple, 8 oz. of milk.

Lunch: One tuna sandwich.

Dinner: One hamburger, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One graham cracker, 4 oz. of milk

May 7 1976

Breakfast: One English muffin, one boiled egg, two strips bacon, one teaspoon of honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/2 orange, 8 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Tuna sandwich

Dinner: One bowl chili beans, two squares cake, seven crackers.

Snack: 4 oz. of milk (The two squares of cake at dinner prevents me from having a solid snack.)

May 8 1976.

Breakfast: One bowl corn flakes, 8 oz. of milk, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One square Sock-It-To-Me Cake.

Lunch: No lunch because of the cake for snack.

Dinner: Mixed vegetables, baked potato, meat loaf, French bread.

Snack: Smithereen of cake.

May 9 1976

Breakfast: Toast, jelly, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/2 orange, 4 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Three graham crackers with peanut butter.

Dinner: Meat loaf, mixed vegetables, baked potato (1/2), French

bread, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/2 piece toast.

May 10 1976

Breakfast: Toast, jelly, coffee with honey.

Snack: Cheese, graham crackers, 6 oz of milk.

Lunch: Meat loaf, one slice of bread.

Dinner: Steak, mixed vegetables, French bread, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: Slither of Sock-It-To-Me back, 4 oz. of milk.

May 11 1976

Breakfast: Toast, jelly, honey in coffee.

Snack: 8 oz. of milk, one graham cracker.

Lunch: Meat loaf sandwich, 6 oz. of Pepsi.

Dinner: Bowl of chili beans, 11-crackers, 6 oz. Pepsi. (A no, no)

Snack: 1/2 apple, 5 oz. of milk.

May 12 1976

Breakfast: English muffin, one boiled egg, two strips of bacon, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One graham cracker, 8 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Pork ‘n beans, wiener, five crackers.

Dinner: Meat loaf sandwich with lettuce, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One square of Sock-It-To-Me cake.

May 13 1976

Breakfast: Toast with jelly, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 8 oz. of milk, 1/2 apple.

Lunch: Meat loaf sandwich with lettuce.

Dinner: Two slices of meat loaf, string beans, one slice French bread with butter.

Snack: 5 oz. of milk, four graham crackers.

May 14 1976

Breakfast: One English muffin with butter, one boiled egg, two strips of bacon, one teaspoon of honey in coffee.

Snack: Four graham crackers with cheese, 5 oz. of milk.

Lunch: One slice meat loaf with string beans.

Dinner: Steak, green beans, one small carrot, bread, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: 1/2 grapefruit, 5 oz. of milk.

May 15 1976

Breakfast: Toast with butter, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/2 grapefruit.

Lunch: One bowl beef stew, four crackers.

Dinner: One bowl beef stew, one Pepsi, about 6 oz. of wine.

Snack: Two graham crackers with peanut butter.

May 16 1976

Breakfast: Toast with butter and jelly, one teaspoon honey, one square Sock-It-To-Me cake.

Snack: 1/2 orange

Lunch: One bowl beef stew, four crackers, 4 oz. of milk.

Dinner: Bowl of beef stew, small piece of corn bread.

Snack: Small piece of orange, 5 oz. of milk.

Breakfast: One English muffin, one boiled egg, two strips of bacon, one teaspoon honey in coffee, grape jelly.

Snack: 1/3 orange, 8 oz. of milk.

Lunch: One tuna sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes, one celery stick. — Two shots of scotch with milk.

Dinner: One bowl beef stew, 10 crackers.

Snack: Four graham crackers w/peanut butter, 4 oz. of milk.

May 18 1976

Breakfast: Toast w/butter, jelly and coffee w/honey.

Snack: 1/2 grapefruit, 5 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Tuna sandwich w/tomatoes, one square Sock-It-To-Me cake.

Dinner: Large bowl of beef stew, 8 crackers, 3 oz. of milk.— About 6 oz. of really fine wine.

Snack: Four Ritz crackers w/peanut butter, 3 oz. of milk.

May 19 1976

Breakfast: Toast w/butter and jelly, honey in coffee.

Snack: 1/2 grapefruit, 3 oz. of milk.

Lunch: One tuna sandwich w/tomatoes.

Dinner: One bowl beef stew, 10 crackers.

Snack: Large piece Sock-It-To-Me cake, about 9 oz. of milk.

May 20 1976

Breakfast: One egg, one English muffin w/butter, two strips bacon, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One apple.

Lunch: Graham crackers w/peanut butter, 4 oz. of milk.

Dinner: One bowl beef stew, 10 crackers, small piece tea-cake.

Snack: Four graham crackers w/cheese, 5 oz. of milk.

May 21 1976

Breakfast: Toast w/jelly, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One orange, 6 oz. of milk.

— About 4 oz. of scotch.

Dinner: Round steak, rice, spinach, French bread.

Snack: Graham crackers, peanut butter, 6 oz. of milk.

May 22 1976

Breakfast: One boiled egg, two strips of bacon, English muffin, grits, 1 1/2 biscuits with jelly.

Snack: One orange, 5 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Fish sandwich.

Dinner: Rice, spinach, steak w/gravy, bread, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: Graham crackers w/peanut butter.

May 23 1976

Breakfast: Toast w/butter and jelly, grits, ham, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One apple, 4 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Peanut butter on toast, graham crackers, 4 oz. of milk.

Dinner: Large bowl chili beans, 12 crackers, green salad.

Snack: One graham cracker, 4 oz. of milk.

May 24 1976

Breakfast: Ham, toast, jelly, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One apple.

Lunch: Ham sandwich w/lettuce, mayonnaise. — About 6 oz. of Scotch w/approx. 6 oz. of milk (Celebration)

Dinner: Steak, rice, spinach, bread.

Snack: Peanut butter w/graham crackers.

May 25 1976

Breakfast: Toast w/butter and jelly, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One apple, 5 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Rice/steak, bread, square of Sock-It-To-Me cake.

Dinner: Bowl of chili beans, green salad, 10 crackers.

Snack: Two graham crackers, 4 oz. of milk.

May 26 1976

Breakfast: Toast w/butter, jelly, teaspoon honey.

Snack: 3/4 apple, 5 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Tuna sandwich.

Dinner: Chicken noodle soup, crackers.

Snack: 1/3 apple, 4 oz. of milk.

May 27 1976

Breakfast: One bowl cold cereal w/milk, sugar.

Snack: Peanut butter on graham crackers.

Lunch: Chicken noodle soup w/crackers.

Dinner: Three pieces of fried chicken, bread, 4 oz. of milk.

Snack: 4 oz. of milk.

May 28 1976

Breakfast: Three strips of bacon, English muffin, one boiled egg, one teaspoon honey in coffee.

Snack: One graham cracker.

Lunch: One tuna sandwich w/lettuce and tomatoes.

Dinner: Chicken noodle soup, green salad.

Snack: Two graham crackers w/peanut butter, 4 oz. of milk.

May 29 1976

Breakfast: Cold cereal w/8 oz. of milk, 1 tbs. sugar.

Snack: Peach

Lunch: One bowl chicken noodle soup, 4 crackers.

Dinner: Ham sandwich w/cheese, one teaspoon honey. About 5 oz. of spirits.

Snack: 5 oz. of milk.

May 30 1976

Breakfast: Cold cereal, 8 oz. of milk, 1 tbs. sugar.

Snack: Five graham crackers, w/peanut butter (felt very hungry).

Lunch: Tuna sandwich w/lettuce, tomatoes.

Dinner: Chili beans, 5 crackers.

Snack: Lime sherbet.

May 31 1976

Breakfast: Ham, one egg, English muffin, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One apple, 10 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Chicken noodle soup.

Dinner: Baked beans, barbeque, bread, potato salad, cake.

Snack: Ice cream w/wheat germ, 4 oz. of milk.

June 1 1976

Breakfast: Ham, one English muffin, one egg, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One peach, 8 oz. of milk.

Lunch: One hamburger.

Dinner: Two pieces of chicken, 1/2 roll, potato chips.

Snack: Two graham crackers w/peanut butter, 8 oz. of milk.

June 2 1976

Breakfast: One egg, one English muffin, three strips of bacon, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One graham cracker, 5 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Chicken noodle soup.

Dinner: Two pieces of fried chicken, bread, green salad.

Snack: No snack

June 3 1976

Breakfast: Cereal w/8 oz. of milk, 1 tbs. sugar.

Snack: No snack today.

Lunch: One piece of chicken, one piece of bread.

Dinner: Three pieces of chicken, rice, lettuce/dressing, French bread.

Snack: 8 oz. of milk.

June 4 1976

Breakfast: One boiled egg, one English muffin, 2 strips of bacon, one teaspoon of honey.

Snack: One apple.

Lunch: Ham sandwich w/lettuce.

Dinner: Baked chicken and rice.

Snack: Graham crackers w/peanut butter, 10 oz. of milk.

June 5 1976

Breakfast: 8 oz. of milk in cereal, 1 tbspn sugar.

Snack: One apple, 4 oz. of milk.

Lunch: Ham sandwich, 4 oz. of milk.

Dinner: Baked chicken w/rice, green peas, French bread.

Snack: Wine and 2 Singapore Slings.

June 6 1976

Breakfast: Three strips of bacon, one English muffin, one egg, one

teaspoon honey.

Snack: Nips of cake w/milk.

Lunch: Chili beans.

Dinner: Baked chicken w/rice, green peas, bread.

Snack: Nip of cake w/4 oz. of milk.

June 7 1976

Breakfast: One boiled egg, 2 strips of bacon, French bread, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: One apple.

Lunch: Ham sandwich.

Dinner: Baked chicken, rice, lima beans, 4 oz. of milk.

Snack: No snack.

June 8 1976

Breakfast: Cereal, 8 oz. of milk.

Snack: Boiled egg.

Lunch: Ham sandwich.

Dinner: Meatball and spaghetti, French bread.

Snack: No snack.

June 9 1976

Breakfast: Three strips of bacon, toast, one boiled egg.

Snack: One boiled egg.

Lunch: One tuna sandwich.

Dinner: Meatball and spaghetti, celery, French bread.

Snack: Cake & wine.

June 10 1976

Breakfast: Two strips of bacon, one English muffin, one boiled egg, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: Two small apricots.

Lunch: Two pieces of fried chicken w/bread.

Dinner: Meatball and spaghetti w/bread.

Snack: Cake with 4 oz. of milk.

June 11 1976

Breakfast: One egg, English muffin, 2 strips of bacon, one teaspoon honey.

Snack: Two apricots.

7/15/76 DREAM

I am somewhere. Two persons whom I feel close to, and who have rejected me as their friend, are either having a party or going to one. Neither asks me to go along. I feel anger and maybe some hurt. I make some remark about not wanting to be around certain b------s anyway.

Almost everyone has left the house. The telephone rings. Now some people are sitting around a table. I have written something, I think a poem. My friend or cousin is reading the poem aloud. Miles Davis is one of the listener’s. I go to the table and take a seat near Miles. He touches my knee and I feel very close to him. He leaves the house as he is scheduled to play somewhere nearby.

He has gone now and the telephone rings. It’s for me and Miles is on the other end. Now I know he feels great warmth for me as I feel for him. He wants me to come to the place where he is playing. I want to go but I have at least one small child who would need someone to look after her if I leave.

I am living at my sister’s house. Something has happened to my house. I’m explaining it to Miles on the telephone. If I had my house it would be the perfect place for us to meet. I tell him that because of the circumstances I no longer have the house. It is there but cannot or is not occupied. I tell him it would cost $10 to $20 to hire a baby sitter. My niece who is about 12 is in the house. I ask her to baby-sit for me. She answers and I slap her. I slap her repeatedly then feel great compassion for her I wanted her to baby-sit and . . .

7/16/76

Last night I heard my grandson speak a group of words for the first time, (with his mother’s guidance). The words were I love you.

8/4/76 DREAM

I am coming from a cousin’s house. Her husband has become attracted to me. He has slipped his arm underneath my legs. His wife, my cousin, is sitting across the room. They have two young sons. I leave the house. As I come near some building on my way home, I notice men, some are drunk. I realize I cannot escape. The men start coming toward me. One is opening his pants on the way, preparing to rape me or maybe just have me. I am frightened but remember that I will not get pregnant. I’m glad about that.

1/8/77

The light-skinned young black boy with gold hair and blue eyes. The house which sat away from the street with a run down appearance and important occupants. The cake which I forget in the oven which everyone loves. The job that was finally given to the CETA I participant by the department head. The keys that he found while cleaning the yard which he returned. The ceiling of the kitchen that I’d been scraping. What does it all mean? It occurred in my dream.

1/14/77

Today, this afternoon/evening I’m thinking of you. Remembering our first face to face, no, our second communication. The first time you kept getting closer to me and I kept withdrawing.

You were handsome standing there, your arms resting on the rail. It surprised me to meet you there. I had come that way every evening to class.

And then in the classroom. I’m glad you asked me about where or which book I quoted Aristotle. It gave me an opportunity to approach you. And then that evening when you approached me from behind, saying, So you couldn’t stay away.

No, I couldn’t stay away and you had supplied me with a reason not to.

That moment, or in that moment when you said those words, I fell in love with you and each time after that when I could not stay away, talking to you which was all I could do, was the same as making love to you.

I’m remembering the evening when we made a date after my class in ideology. You looked so fresh, so alive sitting at your desk. I had watched my watch all evening, hardly being able to concentrate on the lecture.

I rushed up the stairs and sought frantically for your office. You were waiting there for me. In that moment when our eyes held each other’s stare, I loved you then too.

Sitting across the table from you at the coffee shop, watching you eat French fries and drink beer. You were so beautiful. I loved you then very much.

And when I thanked you for your kindness for taking the time out to be with me, I loved the words you spoke in response. It was not kindness. I enjoyed it very much.

That evening I touched your hand when I said good night. I remember, this evening, how they felt — cool. Your fingers seemed rigid as though . . . That night I dreamed about you.

I remember the last night of class. I sat beside you as you drove through the wide streets. Deliberately in the pizza parlor, I sat in a seat away from you. I wanted to give someone else a chance to be close to you that night. I wanted so much to spend a few moments alone with you. But there were others whom we both had to consider. After all, it was a class gathering, not a love gathering. But that night, I loved you too.

1/17/77

Today I have been frustrated. My breaks on my car need fixing and my money is very short.

I went to the tennis courts to get some exercise. It was nice out there but I couldn’t play for long because I soon found myself out of breath. I’m too fat for words. I’m ugly and very unattractive in short skirts. I hope I can start doing something about reducing my weight. Now, I guess I’ll do some exercises.

1/18/77

Today I am happy to report that I attained the position of Assistant to the Chief of Program Planning at SERCAA.

I feel much better than yesterday because now I have the financial means of doing the most pressing things which have to be done — getting new breaks and a new clutch — getting the upholstery done on the car seats. I’m thrilled! Also, I had the loveliest dream last night of being with the man who holds my affection.

I also dreamed, last night, that my car blew up and I had no money to have it fixed. Thank goodness, I now have a way.

1/19/77

Today has been a quiet one. I spent the entire day, at work, reading a massive document compiled by California cities. At times my mind wandered. At times thinking of the professor and wondering when my phone is installed will I have the resistance to not telephone him.

It’s 7:30 p.m. now and already I’m in bed. Simply because I know of nothing else I want to do tonight. Maybe it is to sleep and hope to dream of him. I hope when I go to register tomorrow I’ll bump into him, although it is probably unlikely.

6/6/77

I’m so depressed and wish I were not alive. I’ve given up hope of his calling me. That is why I’m so depressed. I told him when I last talked to him by telephone — going on two weeks ago — that I would not bother