Weight Of Dysfunction

By Katherine L. Carter

This book is a journal account of a woman in a very dysfunctional, abusive marriage. It takes place during the years 1981 through 1992. These years are chronicled in her journal. It is a true accounting of events from her perspective, and some of the names have been either omitted or changed. If reading about her situation helps even one person see their relationship for what it is, I have fulfilled my purpose. There will be times in the book you may ask, "why did she keep taking it, why didn't she leave him?" Many of you know that is easier said than done. People, for reasons of their own, choose to stay with and make excuses for their abusers. She has been with her abuser since her early teens, and he has been the only man in her life, naturally, she wants to have a life with him. He was her sun moon and stars. She tries hard, she wants to make it work. Reading about what this woman lived through may help someone relate to their own situation and realize the abuse they are going through.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Feb 7, 2023
• ISBN: 9781667889238

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Weight Of Dysfunction

©2023, Katherine L. Carter

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

ISBN: 978-1-66788-922-1

ISBN eBook: 978-1-66788-923-8

This book is dedicated to Nathaniel whose love

and support helped me through this project.

Thank you for believing in me.

Contents

1981

1982

1983

1984

1985

1986

1987

1988

1989

1990

1992

Epilogue

This book is a journal account of a woman in a very dysfunctional, abusive marriage. It takes place during the years 1981 through 1992. These years are chronicled in her journal. It is a true accounting of events from her perspective, and some of the names have been either omitted or changed. If reading about her situation helps even one person see their relationship for what it is, I have fulfilled my purpose. There will be times in the book you may ask, why did she keep taking it, why didn’t she leave him? Many of you know that is easier said than done. People, for reasons of their own, choose to stay with and make excuses for their abusers. She has been with her abuser since her early teens, and he has been the only man in her life, naturally she wants to have a life with him. He was her sun moon and stars. She tries hard, she wants to make it work. Reading about what this woman lived through may help someone relate to their own situation and realize the abuse they are going through.

1981

November 2, 1981

Beginning today I resolve to put all my thoughts down in this journal, not daily, but as I feel like it and find it necessary.

At present, I am feeling anticipation for the holiday season. Our first Christmas in our new home. I am extremely excited, and everything would be perfect if it were not for my weight (214 this morning!) I would really love to be at 130 again. As of yesterday, I am on another diet. I hope I have the strength to make it this time. I think having a smaller body would enhance my sex life, I would feel sexier and more comfortable. I always feel that when Brad runs his hands over my body he is disgusted. I sense that he tries to avoid touching certain parts of my body. Last night, however, we made love in the attic to Al Jarreau, and it was fantastic! After Brad’s release, I wanted more but he was tired. I have not been able to think of anything else all day. I want to jump on him the moment he walks through the door. I still do not know if I can completely trust him though. Last month he got mad at me concerning one incident involving his mother and sister and he treated me coldly for two almost three weeks. If he can turn on me that easily, I don’t know if I can trust him. Before that our relationship was special, now, I am not so sure. I love him, but I will not be hurt like that again. His mother and sister are very cold, emotionally, and are evil people. I have tried extremely hard to have a good relationship with them, but they stab me in the back. At this point, I do not know what to do. I really do not want to have anything at all to do with them. I almost had a nervous breakdown when his sister was here with us last year for over a month. No one knows how close I came to a total breakdown. Aside from that and the weight, I am feeling great. I am understanding more about life and learning more about people. I love it! I feel the need to have another baby. The only thing stopping me at this point is my weight. I also want a career in acting. Again, the weight. If I can succeed at losing weight, my whole life will be a success. Only time will tell.

November 3, 1981

I am feeling afraid for my daughter. Miranda, a girl in her class is picking on her. The last thing she said before she left this morning was I think Miranda and I are going to have a fight She is not prepared for this; she has never had to fight. Living here is great except for the school. I feel terrible putting my children through this. The kids are from a different Socio-economic background, and they continually refer to my children as Oreo cookies. My children wear shoes from bargain shoe stores, and they wear designer brands, so they say my children are wearing bobos. Pretty funny because we can afford to buy designer sneakers and they seem to be reaching. In my opinion, it is ridiculous to pay that kind of money to outfit growing feet. Maybe moving here to the city was not the right move. Although my children have the same complexion as the masses, they do not fit in. In Brighton, they had a different complexion, but fit in better than they do here. I pray that God is watching over my children.

I had a strange dream last night. Brad and his sister were in bed with me, and they were both naked! Also, his sister had a large penis with a nipple! I was wearing a pajama top and no underwear. We were just sleeping in bed and that is all. I remember Brad did touch the nipple on his sister’s penis and giggled. After that scene, (and I remember being worried about what the kids would think if they saw us) somehow, we shifted to where Kim was trying to stake a claim on Brad and turn him against me. Then some members of my family showed up, including my cousin who is chubby, but was so slim I thought she was my sister, and Kim put on her coat and left. I remember saying, she certainly left fast enough when my family showed up and I had people on my side.. I do not understand the meaning of a lot of things in that dream, but I know that I am very upset by Kim’s attitude and the fact that I feel I have no husband when it comes to me and her. I wonder how much he really loves me.

November 10, 1981

No one realizes I am coming apart. I am so depressed that I would not get out of bed or get dressed if I did not have to. I feel so alone. Brad has told me how great I have been about his overtime because I do not give him a tough time about it, but I am dying inside. I do not feel I have a reason to get up in the morning other than getting the kids off to school. I am tired of the same old lunches, breakfasts, dinners, EVERYTHING!!! I played the lottery yesterday and went to bingo last night, but did not win either one, and this money drawing incense is not working very well. I AM STILL FAT! (212) this morning) I am having pregnancy symptoms. My breasts feel like watermelons, I have been getting heartburn for the last 3 days, my nipples are very sore, and I have been nauseous. I would love to have a baby, I believe Brad would too, but he is concerned about my weight. Everything goes back to my weight. Even though Brad is working all the time, if it were not for my weight, I would feel free to go out occasionally and leave the children with a sitter. My body is so ugly, I am ashamed. Now that the time is drawing nearer and I have