Living for Lezlie: A Year of Grief Observed

By Carrie Whitehead

In November 2015, author Carrie Whitehead lost her youngest child, Lezlie, in a motor vehicle accident. She struggled with every emotion possible and at times felt she could not face the day, let alone anyone in general.

Following the advice of many to put her feelings into words, Whitehead began writing a blog in January 2019. In a series of daily posts, she shared how she dealt with the loss, detailing the process of her grief in real time. Now she has gathered those essays together with the goal of helping others struggling after the loss of a child. Through personal stories and reflections, Bible verses, and enduring expressions of faith, she hopes to convey to grieving parents that what they are feeling is normal and that everyone experiences grief differently.

This personal narrative, formed from a year’s worth of blog posts, presents a mother’s journey through grief after the loss of her youngest child.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Aug 5, 2020
• ISBN: 9781480892859

Carrie Whitehead

Carrie Whitehead is a registered nurse who works with special needs children and lives in Vicksburg, Mississippi. She lost her youngest child in 2015 in an automobile accident. In 2019, she decided to blog about how she has dealt with her grief.

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 Carrie Whitehead.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Archway Publishing

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.archwaypublishing.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible

ISBN: 978-1-4808-9284-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-9285-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020913207

Archway Publishing rev. date: 7/30/2020

This book is

dedicated in memory of my sweet angel, Lezlie Ann Whitehead.

It is also dedicated to Zach, Nanny, Poppy, JJ, Hunter, Hayden, Robin, Luke, Will, Selina, Tony, Bethany Ward, Kyle, Natalie, and Mimi.

I would also like to dedicate this book to Joni, Tonya, Amanda Hanes, Amanda Huskey, Alaina, Melanie, Baleigh, Beckham, and Brynleigh.

I dedicate this book to John, Mandy, Lauren, Chelsea, and Easton.

I also dedicate it to Tiffany Ashley, Jamey, and Shawn Kurtz.

It is also dedicated to the Benton Academy class of 2018 and the Lady Raiders Softball Team.

I dedicate this book to all of my family, friends, and anyone who has experienced the loss of a child.

I also dedicate this book in honor of Mallory Nicole Williams, Natalie Lynn McMillian, Landon Scott Woodrick, and Carson Reid Kurtz.

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1 January

Chapter 2 February

Chapter 3 March

Chapter 4 April

Chapter 5 May

Chapter 6 June

Chapter 7 July

Chapter 8 August

Chapter 9 September

Chapter 10 October

Chapter 11 November

Chapter 12 December

Foreword

Carrie came into my life in 2016, just three months after the death of her daughter, Lezlie. Although I did not know Carrie very well at the time, I instantly felt heartache, compassion, pain, and overall anguish for her. I have seen her battle with feeling defeated. I have seen her angry with God and questioning her faith. I have witnessed her wanting to give up. Her drive to keep going is just amazing. The strongest person in the world is a grieving parent who wakes up every day and keeps going.

Carrie is a compassionate, thoughtful, strong woman. You will soon see that if you don’t already know. She always seems to find a way to help others who mourn the same loss as she herself has suffered. She is selfless. I am over the moon excited that she chose me to write this for her. Carrie is a gift from God, and I am honored to have her in my life. I am confident that those who read this book will gain comfort and hope from the thoughts Carrie shares about her journey as a grieving parent.

—Amanda Hanes

Preface

I decided to write my feelings down during the grieving process. I lost my youngest child in November 2015 in a motor vehicle accident. I struggled with every emotion possible and at times felt I could not face the day, let alone anyone in general. I was told by so many to write my feelings down. I was told to keep a journal, and in January 2019, I started to do just that. I felt that if my journal could help anyone, just one person in his or her struggle with grief and all the emotions, then it would be worth my time. This book does what I longed to do, and I pray and hope it reaches and helps just one person, if not one hundred.

I want to thank everyone who stood by me during this long, enduring process. For those who never walked away, you guys rock.

I hope each and every one of you who took a chance on me and this book realizes how much this means to me, and the idea of keeping my sweet girl’s memory alive is real!

Thank you all.

Introduction

It has taken me three years, three long years, to decide to put my feelings to paper. Or shall I say keyboard?

November 11, 2015, still stands out in my mind. It is a day I am pretty sure I will never forget. I will probably live to be one hundred and still have the memory of an elephant—something I truly love at times, and hate.

I remember the phone call. I remember thinking, Well, this isn’t true. But it was. It was all so true. I would now start the beginning of my life without Lezlie Ann.

You see, Lezlie was the type of person I wish I could be. I wish I could love everyone. I wish I could speak my feelings. I wish I could be remembered the way she is still remembered, but it may take me until I am one hundred to master that.

My sweet angel and her best friend lost their lives in a car accident. Mallory left to join Lezlie on November 13, 2015.

Since that day, I have gone through anger, bargaining, grief, and depression, but not acceptance. I didn’t know—and still don’t know—how to accept it. But what I have done, something I feel guilty about at times, is learned to live again.

I all too often forget that others hurt like I do. But no one could ever know my hurt or pain. Lezlie was loved. She is still loved. When people ask me how many children I have, I still say two. I have even told my story about Lezlie to try to ease others’ sadness. I do this to let them know that they do not hurt alone. Sometimes all they need is a hug. What they do not need—and what I do not need—are you’ll be okay, God has a plan, blah, blah, blah. Nope. Those are not helping us. We need a hug, a prayer, a moment of silence, an I love you, a story about our loved ones, or a simple gesture that doesn’t necessarily mean you will know what to do but that you’ll be here for us. That’s pretty awesome.

I plan to try to help people deal with grief through this book. I may be absolutely no help at all, or I may help one or one hundred. As long as others know they are not alone, that’s all that matters.

My goal was to write a book and, share my story. I started a blog but wanted to do more. I wanted others to realize how they feel during this process was normal and, okay. Not everyone goes through grief the same way. This is not about death; it is about life.

Be ready. I am full of stories. I am also full of Bible verses, but most importantly, I am full of faith. This book will be divided into chapters, and each chapter will cover one month’s worth of writing.

You can also check out my blog at www.livingforlezlie-law19.com.

jersey.jpg

LEZLIE’S SOFTBALL JERSEY NOW HANGS IN THE GYMNASIUM OF BENTON ACADEMY,

SHE HAS A SOFTBALL FIELD NAMED AFTER HER AND #19 IS NOW RETIRED.

Chapter 1

January

◆ Siblings

So I debated what to write today. I was thinking of going over that dreaded day, but I will do that another day.

Let’s talk about siblings. Lezlie and Zach had the typical brother-sister relationship. She annoyed him, and he was a butt to her, but hey, they loved each other.

I mean, she still likes to irritate him. She will turn the TV on and off and mess with the remote. She also likes to move things around. She even likes to run down the hall at two o’clock in the morning. Typical Lezlie.

No one should ever have to experience the loss of a child. But imagine having to tell his or her sibling. I didn’t have to do that; my daddy did. I didn’t know if I was coming or going, and I just couldn’t imagine doing that. A big brother, regardless of how annoyed he can get at you, can have a broken heart. His sister should not have died. Just like my baby shouldn’t have died.

Every now and then, he will go visit her, but she isn’t there. She is still with him today. She is his biggest fan and his little sister.

Can you imagine taking two teens on a weekend trip? We did just that. We decided to go to Nashville to watch football. We had the best of both worlds. We had OBJ, Mettenberger, McCluster, and Manning on one field. Awesome, right? Well, maybe. One child decided to not bring socks, and one child brought the Xbox and a pillow. I bet I spent $250 that weekend on junk. A complete wardrobe and socks. After all, it was twenty degrees. I even felt like Neil Patrick Harris taking Harold and Kumar to the White Castle for their very first time. Regardless, it was an awesome weekend, and did they make some memories.

Metallica—nothing in the world prepared me for the day she proceeded to tell me her bubba’s favorite song, and she knew all the words. After all, she was the singer for Rock Band when they played. (Proof they did like each other.)

And that trip to the beach—I will save that for another day.

My main point of this is to remind everyone that her bubba misses her just as much as any of us. He just deals with it in a different way. So never forget the siblings. They hurt too. They have feelings, and they grieve. Their grief is different, but isn’t everyone’s?

Sometimes, sharing a story with the left-behind brother or sister would probably be a pretty awesome thing to do. They remember just like anyone else, and they like to talk if you get them at the right time.

I plan on eventually talking about November 11, 2015, but I couldn’t do it today. I just had to tell you about that sibling relationship. Maybe, just maybe, she won’t mess with the TV tonight because of this. (Or the lights, remote … you get the picture.)

How wonderful, how beautiful, when brothers and sisters get along.

—Psalm 133:1

◆ November 11, 2015

I always hate to think about this day. This was the day when so much changed. I decided to go ahead and get it over with. Everyone needs to know the story.

I remember that day started like any other. I went to work, got done fairly early, and went to the grocery store. I was going to get snacks for Lezlie’s fridge and get ready for the weekend. We were to go hunting. She had already killed two deer that Monday.

I remember texting her that morning for the iTunes info; I can never remember it. She sent it back, and as always, we texted, I love you.

I remember getting the phone call. I remember thinking it wasn’t real. I remember that right before I got the call, I was placing her stuff in the fridge, and when I went to turn the air conditioner on, it didn’t come on. I decided I would fix it later that evening. I never got around to it. I remember all the phone calls. I remember being highly irritated that the media posted her picture before all the calls were made. I remember wanting to know how her best friend was. I remember being mad. Mad as hell. At times, I still am. I also remember crying, because that is what we do.

You see, after school that day, she and her best friend were on their way home. I cannot say what happened to cause the accident. All I know is that they were hit on Highway 16 by an 18-wheeler. They could not get my baby out of the car because her seat was broken. She had one injury that took her life. Her sweet friend spent two days in the intensive care unit, and on November 13, 2015, she joined sweet Lezlie.

When I think about that day, I think maybe God took her because she knew she was loved and that we could not have made the ultimate decision that he made. But I also know that when I meet him face-to-face, I will know.

I remember that somehow, I made it to my parents’ house. I have no idea how. I remember it took forever to get to her. But she was gone before any of us got there. She was so peaceful lying there, and warm. She looked like she was asleep. She was as beautiful as ever, and yet she was what I always said she was: an angel.

Most of the rest of that day is a blur, but not the sight of that beautiful angel lying there, resting in Jesus’s arms. A place that many times over the past three years I wanted to be.

Faith was something I lost but finally got back.

My angel, loved by so many, God’s girl. The type of person I wish I could be.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

—Psalm 116:15

◆ How to Communicate with Someone Who Is Grieving

This is probably a topic I will cover again and again.

Let’s start with a story. I cannot exactly remember the age she was, but one-night Lezlie swore she saw the tooth fairy. I am really not sure who she saw, but I promise that neither myself nor her daddy were wearing a blue dress when we snuck that tooth under her pillow. She swore, and she probably still would, that the tooth fairy wore a blue dress.

Now, on to the main reason for this. There are wrong and right ways to communicate with people who grieving. I apologize ahead of time, but mostly what I will address has to do with the loss of a child. Grief is not just set aside for that, but this is what I know firsthand and this is the basis of this whole book.

You should not say anything like, How are you doing? We all know that you do not want us to elaborate on that. Be honest. You are just throwing that out there to get an I’m good or I’m okay. People do not always like communicating their feelings. You could say something like, It must be really hard/tough for you right now. That means you are actually acknowledging feelings and saying you know that they are going through something difficult. But please, don’t judge.

My most favorite (not really) is, He/she is in a better place. For one, not everyone who grieves believes in that better place. For another, what place is better than at home with family? Maybe instead you should say something along the line of, I am sorry for your suffering. Bottom line: unless the loss was related to an illness or injuries that caused a lot of pain, don’t use a better place at all.

Another no-no: Please let me know if I can do anything for you. This is not a great reply because it puts the responsibility on the grieving person to reach out. On the other hand, volunteering to do something for the grieving individual would let that person know you want to help and that he or she does not have to ask for it.

Never tell grieving parents that they can have another child or that they can have more children. Are you basically saying that their child is replaceable? Uh, no way! Asking about the child or telling a story about the child would be so much better. We love stories about our kids!

I know how you feel. I do not think so. Not even someone who experienced the exact same loss knows how another person feels. You will never truly know this feeling. I do not even like when people say they can imagine how I am feeling. Who wants to even try that?

Unless a grieving person is willing to give you the story of how the loss occurred, do not ask what happened. Social media sucks in this sense because sometimes families find out the wrong way. There is nothing you can really say in this sense. Let the grieving person tell you when he or she is ready, regardless of how long it takes.

There are many more dos and don’ts. I cannot cover them all today, but I will try more tomorrow. Maybe.

Just remember this: never blame how someone grieves for why things do not work. When you befriend or take on a relationship with a grieving parent, you are taking on a big responsibility. Be sure you are ready for it, because it comes with ups and downs. If you are lucky, you will find that person who doesn’t mind checking flowers in the rain, posting pictures for you, etc. Most people forget that just because the child is gone, it doesn’t mean the child is not a part of these relationships.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

—Matthew 5:4

◆ Faith

We pray for our kids. We pray for our families. We pray for their safety every day and every night. When something happens, like death, the faith we had is now gone. It is gone just like that.

What exactly is faith? Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) reads, Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things note seen. It is also a prerequisite for hope and love. It is a belief in something and a requirement to possess other things. Believing in Jesus and being saved are synonymous with faith.

Today I got a phone call that said my house was on fire. Well, I was picturing flames going all over the place. I pray every night for God to keep Zach safe. My faith today is pretty strong because he did just that. It wasn’t a massive burn-the-house-down fire, but it caught some of the living room on fire. I thank God that Zach was awake. Had he been asleep, I would not be writing this.

My faith is pretty strong today because I visited with my cousin John, Mandy, and sweet Nat. It was wonderful to see her awake, alert, and smiling. Crying. She was showing me all the things she could do. But faith can also be pretty weak. Like the day I realized that everything I prayed to happen didn’t, that my prayer to keep Lezlie safe wasn’t answered, or I didn’t feel that it was. I just know that God has one awesome army that he’s bringing back when he comes.

If you read the Bible, then you know faith has been lost by some great people. King David was a doubter. Peter denied Jesus. And Judas, well, we all know what happened to him.

Faith is a lot like trust. It is probably a lot easier to lose than to get back. When someone breaks your trust, you have the hardest time in the world trusting them again. You doubt him or her. Broken faith in Jesus can be like that. You pray for the safety of your kids. They get illnesses that cannot be cured, or they are taken in an instant. But you prayed hard and you prayed faithfully. You ask why. You ask it over and over, yet you get no answer. But we are taught that we will get that answer when we see Jesus face-to-face.

Faith can vary like emotions. Trials, tribulations, and even sin can mess with faith. We can even assume that when all is well, so is our faith. When we are shown hardships, we are shown our weakness. The apostle Paul said this was to cause us to have even greater trust in the Lord, but sometimes you feel you can’t. When bad things happen, you feel God has given up on you, and in turn, you just do the same.

So you do what you can to regain your faith. Like with trust, it isn’t easy. It is not easy to regain faith if things continuously happen to make you doubt. You have to believe and trust in God enough to know that he will be there.

I know this all firsthand. I know that my faith is becoming stronger and stronger. Sometimes I backslide, but then I stand back up and keep on moving. My goal is a pretty high one: heaven. I will get there. You can join me, or you can be left behind.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.

—Isaiah 43:2

◆ November 13, 2015

Let’s just begin by saying that this day was pretty much an extension of November 11, 2015.

I want to talk about this day because it was just as hard as the two days prior. My other reasons follow at the end of this entry. I can’t even ask anyone to imagine burying a child, but it happens. Unfortunately, it happens a lot more than people realize. Age doesn’t matter. The children could be one month or twenty-one years old. It doesn’t matter. If their days are numbered to last until they are fifteen, that is it. You cannot bargain for another or promise your soul. It doesn’t work like that.

This is the day my sweet angel was laid to rest and the day her sweet friend Mal joined her.

I certainly didn’t look forward to this day. Who would? It was all a blur. We kind of went out of the box and let everyone sign her casket. Something to help them cope maybe just a little.

I remember getting to the church, and then the people started coming in. She was there, just asleep. Tears flowed. Cries were overheard. The I am so sorry replies began. The hugs. The much-needed hugs. But nothing could make the pain go away. Nothing ever will. Well, that day I got to see her and ask Jesus why. Why did you take her so young?

Job 14:5 says, A person’s days are determined, you have been decreed the number of his months and have set limits that he cannot exceed. Some of us are lucky and we live longer, or we can be unlucky as our beautiful children are taken yet we remain.

So many people came to say goodbye to Lezlie. I cannot even begin to try to put a number to the amount, but she was so loved. She loved others. She lived life to the fullest, but she only got fifteen years. Fifteen short years. Fifteen.

I sometimes sit and wonder what she would be like today. She did tell me she was going to play football on the LSU field. She said she was going to be the kicker. We can all dream big. She was just becoming her own person. But her life was cut short, so short.

Her service was beautiful. It was a long trip to the cemetery, and of course, it was not easy getting out of that truck to say our final goodbyes. I could have slept there that night if it would have been possible. I do not think I would have gotten much sleep, but I would have sat there all night long. The love that was shown to us during that time, I will never forget.

Following graveside services, I decided I had to see Mallory. I made it just in time to tell her goodbye. She, too, joined that wondrous army up above. But she was sixteen. Only sixteen.

Best friends, together forever.

I can sit and cry and it will not bring either of them back. I can sit and be mad as a hornet, but what does that do? I just sit with this mind like an elephant’s and remember. I remember the times I had with both of them and remember the love I had for them. I also sit and think that I will do whatever it takes to keep memories of them strong years from now, if I am still here.

The reason I have shared this date with you is this was the day that I am pretty sure I started the journey spiraling down into the pits of depression. It got worse and worse, and I had a pretty awesome friend who woke me up in February 2017. That story will be for another day. But depression is a real thing, and it is a bad thing if it isn’t helped.

Love your family. Forgive and forget. Spend time with them. Tomorrow is not promised. Fifteen and sixteen are way too young to go, but no one knows the number of days they have. No one but the one above.

I loved you at your darkest …

—Romans 5:8

◆ That One Time at Band Camp …

Of course, this has nothing to do with band camp, but it never hurts to have a catchy title.

I am totally drawing a blank for what to write today.

I honestly haven’t had time to think today, but I figured I would share something that I recently felt I needed to do.

I know that the only people who know what happened that day—November 11, 2015—I will not be able to ask until I see them again.

I wanted to blame everyone I could, myself included. I blamed the guy driving the truck too. I recently decided I would reach out to him. I just knew I couldn’t start the conversation with I forgive you.

I found him on Facebook. Imagine that. I sent him a message that basically said I was and had been praying for him. I thought about him and prayed for him daily. I also hoped he was doing well. He replied. He said he was so sorry. He said he prayed for us daily and that it meant so much to him for me to reach out.

I may not have accomplished much but, letting him know that he was included in my prayers meant more to him than anything, and to me, that is something.

I don’t expect healing to happen overnight. I also do not expect anyone to understand why I do things the way I do, but that is okay. We all grieve and heal differently.

I do know that sometimes reaching out to people, even if only to offer prayer, is a big thing.

I know this has been short and to the point, but I will save the big stuff for later.

I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.

—2 Kings 20:5

◆ Grief

Some say there are five stages of grief. Some say that there are seven. I read a book that said ten. One thing I do know is this: anger is one stage to which you may continuously return.

But action should be the final stage, not acceptance. We can say we accept anything, but how we act afterward ultimately proves the acceptance.

For instance, Lezlie was loving. She was kind. She never met a stranger. So maybe the actions I should focus on are showing kindness, being loving, and helping others.

But let’s talk about anger. Anger should be a state, not a stage. It is the second stage in the grieving process.

After all the denial and confusion set in, anger shows its face. I have been in and out of anger many times. I have let anger rear its ugly head many times. Many have seen this anger.

Experiencing the loss of a child can definitely bring out anger. I have wanted to punch walls, people, etc. I have let anger take over, and I have pushed people away. Some needed it, though, and the ones who didn’t are still with me. Friends will be covered later.

I have found that writing helps me when I get angry. I can channel the anger and make it a positive. Before I would just shut down and let it build up.

Anger is normal. I have been angry at God many times. I have also found that through this anger, I have come closer to God. It has definitely been a good thing.

Anger is normal. It is something you will find that you revisit, and that is okay. Just remember that God has you and knows your heart.

And Jesus answering said unto them, have faith in God …

—Mark 11:22

◆ Fear

Fear. Everyone has experienced some type of it.

Some fear failure. Some people even fear success. Some fear life. Some fear death.

People fear commitment or relationships because maybe they had a bad one.

But fear can and will keep you from living.

My fear is driving or riding in any kind of vehicle.

I experience it when I get into my car and go anywhere. After you lose someone in an accident, a car accident, you start to notice that many people have no concept of safety. They pull out in front of you, tailgate you, swerve all over the road, drive too slowly or too fast, etc.

I am pretty sure I am the worst person in the world to ride or drive with. I criticize every single thing someone does. No blinkers. No headlights. No brake lights. No seatbelt. No car seats. I can problem spot anything someone else does. I even catch myself doing things at times and think, Wow. That was dumb.

But my fear is related to my loss. So even though I may get into the car and go, go, go, it doesn’t mean that I am not scared. But I know I need to live. And yes, guilt eats me up. At times it’s so bad that I want to jump off a cliff, but I live anyway. Because Lezlie would want me to live.

There is a song that talks about how fear is a liar. Fear can take your breath. Fear will stop you in your tracks. It robs you of rest and happiness. It is a liar.

Live. Take that car ride. Take that job interview. Take that first date. Take that relationship step. Because one day you will wish you had done all of the above as you sit alone and remember how you let that fear steal your joy.

Do not fear for I am with you …

—Isaiah 41:10

◆ This Too Shall Pass

This is totally not true at all. Grieving the loss of a child will not pass. Not unless you have absolutely no feelings toward life. Not unless you just do not care and are a sorry person. I promise, it will not pass.

Some say it gets easier. It has been three years, and it has not gotten any easier. I actually feel at times it is worse. Sometimes I have to catch my breath because I feel like I cannot breathe. I feel like I am going to have the worst breakdown of my life, but I remember that she would want me to continue on. She would want me to live, and I do.

But it will never pass. Not a day goes by that I do not relive that day. Not a day that my soul doesn’t ache to hear her laugh, feel her hug, or smell her perfume. Not a day that I don’t ache just to have her sit on the side of the tub with her feet in it, talking about anything and everything. Not a day that I don’t ache to be able to tell her one more time how much I love her.

I go to the cemetery every single day. Every day. If I miss, someone goes for me and actually sends me pictures just to ease my mind. I do not miss much. I go if I am sick. I will just stop and say, I love you, baby girl. Other times I will sit on the bench and talk. I even get a sense of relief when I talk to her. She hears me, and she even lets me know at times.

There are signs everywhere. She turns my Dish box on and off all night just to make sure I am okay because I didn’t measure that NyQuil. She has turned my heater off because I was too hot. She is there. Whether anyone believes in signs or not, I do. I have had many.

But this will never pass. I will never get over losing her. I will never get over not having her here. I will live. I will try my best to keep her memory alive for the world. So far, so good.

Set your