The Fly on the Wall

By P. Jay Dee

The saying "I wish I were a fly on the wall" has been used by many. In wanting to know what might have been said would impact on you. The question is asked, with the understanding the question will not be or has been answered until now. What if the flies thought they would like to share all that they have heard with some humans?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Sep 23, 2019
• ISBN: 9781644246719

Book preview

cover.jpg

The Fly on the Wall

P. Jay Dee

Copyright © 2019 P. Jay Dee

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.

New York, NY

First originally published by Page Publishing, Inc. 2019

ISBN 978-1-64424-670-2 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64424-671-9 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11 and 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

To Sug,

Thanks

Chapter 1

Wednesday, May 5, 8:17 a.m., Ledbeddor Inc., day 1

As he hung up the phone someone yelled, Hey, keep the windows closed, you’re letting in flies! It was the beginning, had the window not been open this story may never have happened, Jasper is not one to make up stories, not a tale-teller. He is a mind your own business, keep your mouth shut kind of guy, but this is one hell of a story to tell.

Over the years, Jasper has swatted many a fly with little or no thought, but that changed. With the air conditioner not working, it was Jasper who opened the windows. As he returned to his desk, he noticed a fairly big fly sitting on his newspaper. The fly look to be missing a wing; it was a fairly large fly.

The words heard were No, no, don’t kill me.

Jasper looked around. No one was near. Again, he was ready to slay the one-winged fly. The words were loud and clear: Please, Jasper, do not kill me.

He looked around; again the voice said, I’m the fly you aim to kill. My name is Bamboo and I’m here to make you an offer that will change your life.

Jasper stared at the fly as it looked up at him. All he could think was, I’m having a nervous breakdown, I’m sitting here looking at a fly who is talking to me, and I’m listening. What he was experiencing had to be related to the taking of drugs. What drugs had he been taking? Jasper, are you nuts? Just kill the damn fly.

Again he heard, No, no, no, do not kill me. I’m more than your everyday housefly, just listen. So he did. The fly again introduced himself.

My name is Bamboo, and I’m going to tell you several stories that will blow your mind. I will offer proof which will validate them as being true! Jasper, you’ve heard the expression ‘I wish I were a fly on the wall’? Well, I have stories to share with you from flies that were on the wall of some amazing events. Would you like to hear some?

Is your name really Bamboo?

Yep, and yours is, if I heard correctly, Jasper. Okay, Jasper, as you can see, I have one wing, so my days are numbered if a spider doesn’t get me a newspaper will. What I’ve got to say will be hard to believe for a human, but I have pictures to prove they’re all true.

Jasper paused and said, Shit, I cannot believe I’m talking to—

Hey, Jasper speaking of shit, what did you have for dinner last night?

Why? I had chicken alfredo, salad, bread, and ice cream.

Sounds great have you gone to the bathroom—as in taking a dump?

What the hell—

Sorry, it’s just I’m so hungry and—

Wait, wait, are you saying you want to eat my shit?

Well, I am a fly after all.

Now that you mentioned it, I do have to go. Damn, I have to go now.

Look, Jasper, please do me this one favor—err, could you please, please bring me a smear?

You want me to bring you some of my shit, is that right?

Well yeah, I’m starving!

Jeez, this is insane, this just cannot be for real. I’m not only talking to a one-winged fly, but I’m serving him dinner.

Listen, Jasper, one man’s shit is someone else’s best meal of the week. Anyway, you’re going to flush it down the drain. Why should you care if the fish or the fly eats some? Come on, be a buddy. Jasper, you share the meal with me and I’ll tell you about the meeting between Mr. Ledbeddor and Mr. Ralston.

You mean the CEO and the COO?

Yep, you see, I was the fly on the wall, it was Ralston who got my wing, but no meal, no deal.

This is crazy. Jasper got up, shaking his head, muttering to himself, but he went to the bathroom; a few minutes later, he returned to his desk with a smear of last night’s dinner. This is disgusting.

Hey, you eat dead cows. I eat what you just want to throw out.

You know, when I was walking back for a moment, I could not see you and I thought that this was just some weird hallucination.

I was hiding under the papers. Didn’t want to be seen by any of your coworkers.

Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense.

"Yummy, yummy, this looks so good. I’ll bet it tastes even better. Hey, Jasper, it’s a little heavy on the salt, did you cook this yourself?"

A friend made it for me.

Whoever that may be is one hell of a cook. Oh great, I’ll make sure to tell her that, Bamboo. A talking one-winged fly says you are a great cook.

So tell me what was being discussed between Ralston and Ledbeddor.

Yesterday, I was cruising, looking for some fly action. There was nothing around, I heard your meeting going on down the hall.

Yeah, I remember—was that you sitting on the edge of my glass?

Yes, when Mr. Ledbeddor asked you all to leave except for Mr. Ralston, I heard one or two of you saying as you walked out—‘Boy, I’d love to be a fly on that wall’—so I stayed. Let me also say, saying you would love to be a fly on the wall, well, no human would ever want to be a fly on the wall. None, none, none. I flew to the top of the framed picture of the World Trade Center. The frame is black and hid me well. Jasper, what, if anything, do you know about those two men?

I know they have been friends for many, many years. I believe they may have gone to college together.

Yes, Jasper, and that is where this tale begins.

Excuse me, Bamboo, you’re actually talking?

Yes, I am.

How is that possible?

Well, I studied at the Rosetta Stone University. Actually I’m telepathically talking to your brain.

Oh?

Yeah, getting the vocals down that was a bitch.

I can imagine—

No, you can’t. Look, Jasper, there is no way you will ever be able to relate to being a fly, but if you continue to feed me, you’ll have stories that will grow hair on the baldest of men.

"Bamboo, are you done, I mean, eating? May I flush the toilet paper?

Okay, I guess.

Jasper returned from the bathroom. So tell me a story. Bamboo flew to Jasper’s right shoulder. What was it Ledbeddor and Ralston talked about?

‘They, at first, reminisced about the good old days."

Jasper nodded. I’ve been told they do that a lot.

Ledbeddor was the son everybody would want to have and—

Hey, how did you do that?

What?

Fly onto my shoulder

Jasper, what will it be, how I flew unto your shoulder or what R&L talked about?

Bamboo, you have one wing, so I wondered—

Look, Jasper do you want to know how the fly on the wall flew up to your fucking shoulder—

Flies curse?

Jasper, forget all that I’ve said, you know what, just swat me! You are making me nuts.

"Well, I’m so sorry, I have never had a conversation with a fly."

Okay, we’ll begin again, Jasper. By the way, I have four—no, five stories to tell that you won’t believe, but I’ve got pictures to prove them true.

Well, let me hear what you got, I’m all ears.

"L&R have been friends for maybe twenty years they were roommates at Yale. Mr. L was the one the girls were after. Mr. R had the brains. Mr. L had the connections, whereas Mr. R was poor, short in size, and brilliant. As they recounted their first meeting in the room they would be sharing at the university.

"It was Ledbeddor who said, ‘Little man, you have to find someplace else to live.’

To which Ralston said, ‘Do the words suck my dick" mean anything at all to you? Do you know who I am?’ L-man said.

"R-man smiled. ‘Unless you are the second coming of Jesus, I really, really and in all honesty could not give thee a shit!’

"R-man got up from his bed with clenched fist stood over the L-man and said, ‘Come into the bathroom, I want you to see what your teeth look like out of your mouth.’

"L-man stood up. He was between six and seven inches taller and as much as sixty pounds heavier than the R-man. Looking down at R-man, he said, ‘You sure you want a piece of this?’ L-man was not sure what happened next. He found himself on the floor, looking up at R-man.

"‘Ow, what the hell—hey, you knocked my tooth out.’

"‘No, no, I knocked out two of your teeth. See?’ L-man pointed to the second one.

"‘My dad—’

"‘Hold it. If your dad comes near me, I’ll make you watch as I pull down his pants and spank him. Is that what you want to happen to your father?’

"Ledbeddor had never been spoken to in this manner everybody loved the L-guy. Ralston grabbed Ledbeddor by the collar. ‘I’m thinking about knocking out a third tooth, but instead just pick up your teeth, pack your shit, and get the fuck out of my room. Go to a dentist get all prettied up find another dwelling.’

"‘Hell, I’m not leaving this room it may just be the safest place to live on campus said the L-man.’

"The bonds of their relationship were forged there. The deal was brokered. Ralston would be the brains behind the classes and the muscle, while Ledbeddor would be the money. The specifics were as follows Ralston would be paid $1,000 per class credit. ‘I’ll guarantee you will pass every class with no less than a B, or ninety-five points.’ He also agreed to be Ledbeddor’s muscle should the need arise.

‘I’ll have a check for you after I come back from my dentist.’ They shook hands.

Is that the story?

No, no, that is the preamble—let me continue without you constantly budding in every minute, jeez! The situation was worse than Ralston could have imagined. L-man had the writing skills of a fifth grader, math skills of a sixth grader, minimal historical awareness, a vocabulary that of a GED failing student, an overall lack of education. It was agreed that Ralston would take all the same classes. It was also agreed that Ledbeddor would not answer any questions relating to class work or assignments. Over the next two years, Ralston had found Ledbeddor had another issue, a disturbing issue one that Ledbeddor did not want to have made public. ‘You stick with me and I’ll make you rich,’ croaked Ledbeddor, ‘you the brains, me the contacts and looks.’

Wait, Jasper said, are you telling me the CEO of this company is a business asshole?

Bamboo said, That would be an insult to all business assholes.

Wow, I mean, wow. Jasper just shook his head.

Ledbeddor and Ralston were quiet for a moment. I flew down to the conference room floor where I found some fresh crumbs to snack on.

"Ralston was regurgitating a remembrance. Ralston said, ‘I remember the day when you confessed to me that you had no experience with the process of sex. You were so embarrassed, it was perhaps the only time I felt some sympathy for you.’

Jasper interrupted, ‘Look, I have to know how you—a fly with one wing.’

Bamboo looked up, somewhat dismayed, as only a fly can do, and said, Do you want to hear the rest of the story? The best is yet to come.

Yes, I do want to hear the story, but I’m hung up on how you can fly with one wing.

Bamboo shook his head. Okay, Jasper, you’ll need a magnifying glass. Jasper pulled one out of his top drawer. Now look at where my wing was, you see the black strip?

Uh-huh. By the way, Bamboo, you speak very well!

That black stuff is fly Velcro. I had taken the right wing of a friend who had died. His wings were smaller than mine but attaching it using Velcro gave me some limited flying time. However, the wing will fall off if I attempt to fly too far or too fast.

Excuse me, Bamboo, but where is the wing now?

It’s safely stored in my fly fanny pack.

Wait a minute, a fly fanny pack?

Yep, see the red thing wrapped around my body? That, my friend, is my fanny pack.

No shit!

Speaking of shit, what are you having for lunch? I’m starving.

Later, go on with the story.

"Ralston was taken aback. ‘You telling me that you never had sex?’

"Ledbeddor explained, ‘When I was seven to eight years old, I found Mom and Dad in their bedroom. Dad was groaning. Mom was rubbing Dad’s winkie with one hand while brushing out her hair with the other. They saw me and everything stopped. I shut their door and scampered off to my room. A few minutes later, Mom came into my room she told me that what I saw was as normal as eating apple pie, that they were having sex.’

"‘So you thought having sex is having your winkie being rubbed?’

‘Well, it is a form of sex—I guess.’

Bamboo paused for a moment. Both men laughed at the story being relived; he continued.

"Yeah, Ledbeddor said, ‘I can’t believe how naive, green, stupid, I was back then.’

"‘And still are,’ said Ralston. ‘To think of you then and here you are running a multibillion-dollar company—’

"Ledbeddor chimed in, ‘Yes, I’m grateful for all your help.’

"Ralston looked at the man standing in front of him. ‘Yeah, you remind me of the TV anchor person, full of charm, able to read the teleprompter, looks great, wears the best clothes.’

"But Ralston said, ‘I’m the one who writes your script.’

"Ledbeddor put up his hand. ‘Let’s get on with what we are doing here.’

"Ralston started. ‘When you call the group back in, you will announce we are going to put forth an IPO in two weeks for our new company. The group will all nod, then you will say, once the offer is made, we will buy 60 percent of the offering. You will pause until the group nods in agreement and they will all agree because they are for the most part assholes. Should anyone question the reasoning behind the IPO, that person needs to be taken out of the room and discharged. We cannot have thinkers. Your response to the group is, because you are the boss.’

"Ralston stepped back looking at Ledbeddor as he attempted to assimilate if Ledbeddor understood.

"‘No, no, Leddy, don’t think you’ll have a stroke, just tell them what I told you then bid them goodbye.’

"Ledbeddor, puzzled asked, ‘Why am I—err, you doing this?’

"Ralston walked over to the puzzled man and said, ‘You are doing this because I have told you to.’

"‘Yes, I know but why.’

"‘Help me understand what it is you want to know. Is it because you just want to know?’

"‘Well, if somebody should ask me why I’m doing this—’

‘You smile at that person, nod and walk away.’

Jasper asked, Did Ralston explain why they were doing the IPO?

No, Ledbeddor left the room. Ralston called his Wall Street contact he told his contact that the offer will be coming in the next few weeks.

Jasper looked confused and asked, What is this about?

Bamboo was not quite sure but said, The best I can make of it all is that perhaps Ralston is attempting to take over the company or he is doing something that will allow him to pick up a lot of money.

Is this a scam? Jasper asked.

Probably. At least that is my assumption, but hell, I’m a one-winged fly. I was there when they spoke about what it was they planned to do. What I told you is what I heard.

Jasper said aloud, They could wind up in jail if what they plan on doing is illegal! Boy, this really stinks. I think if this IPO is being manipulated by Ralston. Whatever the plan is, Ralston will come out in very good shape. As for Ledbeddor—well, that will be not as good. As the great sensei says, we’ll see.

Jasper, I’m fagged out. Do you know that flies never really sleep, no eyelids.

Jasper paused for a moment, then said, I don’t care.

Bamboo said, You may care down the road, by the way what’s for lunch?

Hey, I’ve gone to the bathroom already.

Yeah, yeah, okay, please give me a sample from whatever you buy at the deli.

Bamboo, did Ralston or Ledbeddor elaborate on what this new company will be manufacturing?

Yes. Later that afternoon, they claim to have created a new technology, which will allow them to record, both sound and visual images of dreams. Just think about it, how many people have said either aloud or to themselves, ‘I wish I could remember that dream.’

Jasper sat back down shaking his head. That is unbelievable. The thought that you could be watching what you dreamed about while eating breakfast.

Bamboo nodded. Yep, if it was true, but I don’t think so. No, as we flies say, that is aphid-shit.

Huh, what is aphid-shit?

Well, humans say bullshit, we flies say aphid-shit.

Oh.

Look, Jasper, I’m going to put on my wing and fly over to the break room. When we get back together, I want to tell you what several ladies in the office have been heard saying in the bathroom.

Who are you talking about, Bamboo?

Janet, Roslyn, Heather, and Vivian.

Jasper watched as Bamboo attached his wing got a running start and flew off. Turning back to his desk, Jasper looked at his watch muttering to himself he said, Boy, this is really nuts! Later that afternoon, Jasper returned from the bathroom to his desk. Bamboo came out from under some papers.

Hey, Jasper, can I call you Jasp?

Well, sure, why not.

Hmmm, what is that I see?

It’s not often, but on occasion, I have to go to the bathroom twice in a day. Let us not discuss it any further, okay?

A few minutes later, you know it looks like meatloaf maybe with garlic, spices. I’d love to meet your friend.

Bamboo, you would not like to meet her. She’d swat you down, regardless, talking fly or not, in less than a heartbeat.

Listen, Jasper, my time is short—

What do you mean time is short? How short is short? You said your days were numbered.

I demaggoted—

Demaggoted? What the hell is that?

That is a fly word, it means I became an adult fly, and that was April 20 this year. So that means I may make it through mid-May. Jasper looked at his calendar—the date showed May 5th.

Jeez, Bamboo, that’s only a few more days.

Bamboo smiled. That is twenty years in fly life. Jasper, you’ve heard the famous saying ‘Eat shit and die.’ It is a famous fly saying—it means you’re a fly!

Yeah, and?

Nothing, I just wanted you to know where the saying came from.

Jasper nodded. So tell me what you heard in the ladies’ bathroom.

Boof, boof.

Hey, what was that noise? Jasper asked.

Excuse me, what you heard were fly farts.

Fly farts?

In fly world, the fly fart tells the aphids and maggots that dinner is ready or daddy’s home.

"The girl named Vivian, Viv, while sitting on the bowl, sluicing a log, heard Janet walk in. Janet, the black woman that just started working here, started talking—no, complaining about the stink behind door number 3. ‘Yikes, girl, it smells like someone died in there. Vivian, is that you?’

"‘Yes.’

"‘Hey, did you hear about Mr. Statler?’

"Just then, Roslyn and Heather walked in.

"‘Oh my, phew, cough, cough. Vivian, you need to stop eating whatever causes that stink.’"

Bamboo reflected for a moment. To me it was like landing in the Chanel Poops number five factory. I can’t smell but I can taste it. I was drooling.

Jasper looked up and asked, Flies drool?

Never mind. Bamboo shook his head. Bamboo continued, "Heather asked, ‘Did any of you hear about Statler and Belcher?’

Janet nodded and Roslyn as well. From behind the closed door, Vivian yelled, ‘What, what, what about Statler and Belcher?’

Bamboo stopped. Hey, Jasper, do you have anything to drink?

Yeah, I have a Coke, I’ll pour some—

I prefer Pepsi, but okay, thanks.

So what is the story with Mr. Statler and Mr. Belcher?

"Vivian coming out of stall number three said, ‘I hope this is not about them being gay. I’ve had the hots for Belcher since he was hired.’

Heather continued, ‘No, no, it has nothing to do with being gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.’

Bamboo stopped. Man, I’m horny, but the lady flies want nothing to do with a one-winged fly. Jasper, I need some relief, so can you give me some private time? Just turn your head I need to release the beast. Jasper got up and left when he returned Bamboo appeared to be very relaxed.

You know what is missing in the world of flies, Jasper? Fly cigarettes.

"Look, Bamboo, this whole day has been weird, too weird to be real, but you need to finish the story from the ladies’ room. I mean, surely it was not about Vivian stinking up the place! Oh, and while I’m at it, did you—I mean, when you asked me to leave—err, was that so you could masturbate. Is that possible? If so, just kill me. The thought of flies dropping loads in my home—well, fuck, is nothing sacred? I mean, fucking yuck!"

Yeah, you’re right, it’s yuck. Meanwhile back to the story, Jasper. Vivian was washing her hands she was starting to talk about her fantasy dealing with her and Belcher. She was interrupted by Janet. ‘Sorry, girl, but Heather’s story supersedes anything you have to say.

Hey, Bamboo, do you really prefer Pepsi over Coke?

Look, Jasper, you are a human. Me, I’m a fly, so I do not expect that my priorities are the same as yours or, for that matter, that our value systems are the same, but I do think we both would like to know what others are saying, especially if whatever is being said is about us, am I right?

Well, yeah, I guess so, it’s just beyond weird that I’m talking to a fly and that the fly tells me he prefers Pepsi over Coke. Do you see what I’m saying? So if I continue to interrupt your stories, well, I apologize. As I said, this has become the strangest day of my life. Go on, finish the story with the ladies in the toilet!

"Okay, Heather, told the girls how Leo Belcher was at a local bar when Statler walked in. ‘At first he didn’t recognize him. Statler was dressed up. Girls, I mean dressed up—heels, bra, wig. Belcher hid behind a bar menu. There were three other women, I think they were women, who came over to Statler, giving each other cheek kisses like women will do to women.’

"Roslyn yelled, ‘You are telling us Belcher is a cross-dresser?’

"Heather smiled. ‘Let me finish. The four of them