Butterfly Tears and Dandelions

By Colleen Fountain Skinner

When I lost my four-year-old granddaughter due to a car accident, my world came to a complete stop. My friends gave me books on grief, but nothing I read helped me, so I decided to write this book. It is raw and tells everything I went through, with no filter. I wanted to bring the process of grieving out

• Language: English
• Publisher: Colleen Fountain Skinner Publishing
• Release date: Nov 25, 2022
• ISBN: 9781958169698

Book preview

Acknowledge

Editor: Jackie Neveu

I have to say when we first started I was a little worried that we wern’t going to make it through editing the book together. My style writing was so different from her style and I was stubborn as all hell. I didn’t like her changing things and cutting my sentences in half. I thought at first... I can’t work with her, she doesn’t get me...she hates how I write and she wants to change everything. I bet she was feeling a crap load of frustration on her side of things too because I didn’t allow her room to switch up anything and I was giving her a hard time. My ego was taking a hit and although I know I am not the best writer in the world, it’s all I had left. I couldn’t teach dance anymore, and I’m not able to work because I don’t feel well. Now, it seemed I was losing my touch in writing because she was wanting to cut out things and rearrange things. So I think I was feeling threatened and I was not allowing her to do what I asked her to do, and that was edit.

I think it was about a quarter of the way through the book that I finally opened my eyes and understood she was actually making me a better writer. She wasn’t changing my words, she was teaching me what I should have learned in English class all those years ago. She was working really hard dealing with my obstinate attitude and when I finally dipped my toe into the learning pool, we seemed to mesh and the editing went a lot smoother. She was not altering my writing, she was improving it. When I finally got my ego in check I finally understood what she was doing, although I still questioned her on some things I really wanted to keep in the book. If it didn’t really push against the rules of the English language too horribly she gave me the win, and I took it gladly! It worked both ways for us because sometimes I would close my eyes and tell her, go ahead, delete it. But I learned more and more as we went on that she was right and I was, well..........ok, I was wrong. Oh, how hard that was to say, lol

All-in-all I am so happy she was the one that helped me edit Lilly’s book. She made me think and rethink. Write and rewrite what I wrote and didn’t let me just think everything I put down on paper was good enough. I appreciate her for that! She complemented so many times on how she enjoyed my writing when at first I didn’t think she liked it at all, that goes to show you never to assume. She made me a better writer. I still really suck at the English language but the really sad part is that I am better than I once was! LOL.

Thank you Jackie for everything you did for me. For keeping your patience, for working through breakfast, lunch and into dinner. Thank you for the wonderful gift you gave me that will help me work on my next project, and for the countless hours you gave up for me. I appreciate you and I am very greatful. You don’t find many friends in life that will do this much work just to help someone out and not expect something in return. It was many hours a day with sore necks and numb butts. LOL. You are a sweet soul and I am very thankful you are in my life. Hugs and love you.

P.S. Jackie didn’t edit this, it was of my own doing....LOL

Love Coll

Art cover~

Heather Fountain Taylor, AKA Skinny Bitch, I love you more than you can possibly know. I loved spending time with you as you worked your magic fingers to create the perfect cover for our sweet Lilly. You were always so nice to me as I asked you to change this and that over and over again. Never telling me No! or just saying the computer is not working… You could have done that, ‘cause I wouldn’t have known if you were lying or not. LOL. You did everything with a smile on your face. Sometimes I wonder if you are truly a member of this family or if you were adopted because you’re so nice. LOL. But in all seriousness, thank you for everything you did to make this cover so beautiful. Once more I am indebted to you.

Thank you also for dedicating your studio’s dance recital to Lilly. It was such a beautiful dedication from a very kind heart. It will never be forgotten. It made our hearts overflow with gratitude.

Love you always and forever~

Coll

To my hubby, kids, and grandbabies~

I love each and every one of you. You are my life and you are the reason why I live! I don’t take any of you for granted. You are my world and I am blessed to be in yours. Hugs and Love~

Your Loving Wife, Mom, and Mema

To my family and friends~

I want to thank everyone who helped us when we lost our beautiful Lillyan Faith. I opted out of listing names in that part of the book because my mind was scattered at that time. If I forgot to list someone I would feel awful. But I just want to tell you all I love you so very much for everything you did for us and everything you still do. It is so nice to know that I have family and friends who are just THERE when you need them, without even having to ask. Life was not always very kind to us, but I am so very blessed for all of you in our lives. Thank you, and I love you all!

Erin Tyreman~

Thank you so very much for all your help. You always have my back and I love you so very much. I appreciate you sharing your knowledge with me and I am grateful. Love you sweet cousin~

Coll

Kathryn Dickerman~

Thank you for the sweet picture you took and allowed me to use in my book. Lilly looked beautiful as a princess!

Dedication~

I am dedicating this book to Bethany Skinner. She is Lillyan’s mother and my beautiful daughter. I always told her I wanted her to have a daughter just like herself. You know…the Mother’s Curse! I do believe if Lilly had a chance to become a teenager, she would have given Beth a run for her money. They were twins, in every way, her little Mini Me.

I want to thank her for giving me three beautiful grandchildren to love and spoil. Lilly is gone now, but I had fun spoiling her and loving her for those four sweet, wonderful years.

I want to also thank her for being the person she is with no apologies. She is crazy and funny. If you need someone to tell you the truth, you go to her because she has no filter. LOL. But that is the part I love. She won’t lie to you and you can trust her. She won’t talk about you behind your back, she will tell you to your face.

I know losing Lilly has been a devastating blow to her, but she has handled it in the manner of someone twice her age. Isaac came first, even over her own broken heart, she made sure he was taken care of. If you think that is an easy task to do when your first-born child just passed away, you are mistaken. It is difficult to even breath, but her son was loved and he was never second on her list.

I just wanted to say how proud I am of my daughter. Life was not kind to her but she kept going, even on days when she thought she couldn’t even get out of bed. She is a good mother. I think she needs to hear that.

So my beautiful daughter, thank you for being who you are and don’t change. Live life without regrets, and try to be happy. Lilly would want that for you.

Love you more than you could ever know,

Mom

Colleen’s previous books are:

• Sweet Dreams - Part 1

• Sweet Adaline: The Conclusion - Part 2

• Voices

TO MY READERS~

When reading the sections of the book that are JOURNALS or LETTERS TO LILLY, they are, by my request, only lightly edited. They are from my Diary, and I know sometimes in editing things get taken out or changed in the process. I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted to keep them as they were so you could feel and understand what I was going through at that point in time. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind that it wasn’t fully edited. After all, how many of you really worry about how your English is when you are writing in your journal or diary? I had my editor make sure the spelling was taken care of because when Google can’t figure out what I’m trying to spell, someone has to step in. LOL. I just wanted you to know that my editor was not slacking on her job, I asked her not to edit so much in those sections, and this section. LOL.

Coll

Chapter 1

I really don’t know how to start this. I usually write about ghosts that are made up and a story that isn’t true, just something that is entertaining and crazy, something out of the ordinary that I don’t have to reach inside my soul for. I could always find a creative avenue or a way to twist words to put fear in the mind of a reader, something fun I can sink my teeth into. But this time I’m out of my comfort zone. This is going to push me to my limits, open me up so I am vulnerable and raw to a horror story that is true this time, one I am in the middle of and can’t wake from. I am definitely not used to writing in this way but I’m hoping that it will help you and myself along this path of soul searching and healing.

We need to understand it takes time to grieve a death. It isn’t something that just goes away overnight. You can’t snap yourself out of it or make yourself stop. Mourning isn’t expected to end after a specific period of time, like it’s only supposed to last a week, a month, or a year, and then magically be over. It doesn’t have a time limit. Through writing this, I hope to understand it somehow and process the heartache. It has been ten months since the death of my granddaughter, Lilly, as I start writing this book. The pain has not diminished since the phone call that led us to the hospital to give her our kisses goodbye.

I guess I should start my story from the beginning and take you through my journey. I have been writing letters to Lilly since her death, and I will be sharing them with you. At first, I was just journaling as I guess we writers do. Then I started writing actual letters to Lilly. You will see as we go along how they change, how my thoughts and feelings evolve.

I am going to give you my raw self, and tell you things like I see them. You might agree or disagree, that is your choice. But I am going to tell you how this particular grandmother felt and feels. I will leave nothing out. I know people may get upset with me. But I think, in the end, we hold a lot of what we feel inside ourselves and never actually say what needs to be said out loud. In fact, I’m sure there will be a lot of what I say that people are going to be nodding to themselves, thinking, yes, they feel the same. The problem is they feel they can’t share their feelings for fear of being called a bitch or ungrateful. People do not like to hear the truth. Sometimes the truth is very blunt and hurtful, so we say nothing. For me, admitting the truth and being able to express it is what I need to do to help myself get to the point of letting go of the pain that inhabits my every thought. I need to actually breathe without crying, to laugh without guilt, and to walk ahead in life knowing that Lilly is near and she is okay with me doing so.

I desperately want to believe in that last sentence, so I have to go on with this book and try to heal in a way I haven’t been able to do yet. I think that if I open up and put down in writing what I could never say face-to-face with someone, I can finally drop some burdens and heal. I’m going to say everything out loud in this book and purge the poison from my soul. Yes, I felt like a coward for not being able to express what I really wanted to say as people said things that hurt me. But isn’t that how life is? We just don’t say what we want to and we bury the pain.

When you lose someone so close to you, you get a lot of people trying to tell you what they think you want to hear. They try to give you advice and words of sympathy. But sometimes those words just fester inside your being with hatred. No, not at the people saying them; they don’t really understand the significance in their words. But still, you hate to hear those phrases you know oh so well. The sad part of it all is that you know you’ve spoken them yourself, and now you wish you could take them back. They are not harsh words, but now they seem so wrong and so hurtful when before you thought you were being so kind and thoughtful.

Family and friends would hug me and whisper in my ear, I’m sorry for your loss. God must have wanted another beautiful angel. Or, It must have been her time. The one that continued to play endlessly through my mind for months on end was, Just remember how blessed you are to still have Isaac. For those that don’t know me, Isaac is my handsome grandson, Lilly’s little brother, who was also in the accident that took Lilly’s life. He was one-and-a-half years old when the accident happened, and thank God, he didn’t even get a scratch.

Yes, I am guilty of saying some of those exact words, and I cringe now knowing I did. I thought I was soothing the heart of my friend or family member, when in reality I was breaking their hearts even more. And now, as I hear those words echoing in my own head, I know to never repeat them to someone mourning the loss of a child ever again.

There really are no useful words to say when a sweet, precious soul such as Lilly is taken away. When someone says, She must be the most beautiful angel God has, I just want to scream and cry, God doesn’t need any more angels, least of all my granddaughter! She is only four years old. If God wants more angels, then He should take the old and frail who are begging to go home because they are sick and praying for death to find them. Not a four-year-old who has her whole life ahead of her. She’s mine, and He has no right! God, those words are so very harsh when you are mourning, and all you can think about is why? Why is my granddaughter gone? You can’t understand how to even breathe at this very moment, and someone says that to you. But the words do sound beautiful, don’t they? Isn’t it odd that words which sound so kind are so unintentionally cruel?

The other words that twisted in the pit of my stomach were, You are so lucky to still have Isaac. Didn’t they think I knew that?! But even though I have Isaac, I still don’t have Lilly! You have no idea how much I love my grandson, but my granddaughter is dead! She is laying there in a cold, heartless morgue. I know what I have, and soon I will have to face what I don’t have! I will be staring down upon her in a coffin in just a few days! She was beautiful and I will never see her again, be kissed by her, or feel her precious little arms around my neck. I will never hear her say, I love you Mema, ever again. So please don’t tell me what I have. I know what treasures I have right now. I am dealing with the incredible loss of a sweet soul and I will never understand the reason why! I hated that. I hated that people thought they had to remind me of what I had. I know that sounds mean because they were only trying to help, but I was dealing with Lilly’s death. I know I had my sweet Isaac; he was the only thing that kept us going. But Lilly was not here anymore, and no amount of comfort could make that fact not devastate my soul. I do realize how completely horrible I sound. To even put it down on paper makes me sound like a bitch, but these are the true feelings that went through me again and again every time I heard those phrases. Still, I smiled and said politely taking a deep breath holding back my true reply with a simple, Thank you. I know.

So, my advice to you, my reader, is just give us a hug and say you’re sorry for the pain in our heart. You don’t need to say anything more to comfort us. I am not upset about anything that was said to me because I have, through this experience, learned for myself the dos and don’ts of certain words and how they can affect those who are grieving. I am not an expert in this area, nor do I claim that I ever will be. This is just how I felt, other people might feel totally different. As for me, words are so very particular now, because my emotions are off the grid and I feel their strength times a hundred. There is no comfortable way to say you’re sorry for the death of a child. How can there be? I am blessed with friends and family who love me and showed their empathy in so many ways. People just need to be more aware of the words they choose to offer to someone who is grieving. I don’t want anybody feeling bad. Like I said, I have uttered the same words when trying to give comfort. I just need to be the honest one and say, sometimes well-intentioned words are a painful jab to the heart. So please think before you speak. Less is the best route.

I have been down a very dark and difficult path, and I will be sharing a lot more of myself in this book than I ever thought I would. I am saying that again because I want to apologize to the most important person who was affected by Lilly’s death, because she will not be mentioned in my writings. Well, she will, but not as much as she should. This story is not about my daughter, although she is suffering more than I can imagine, more than I have ever known in all my fifty years of life. But I am not in her head. I only know what has happened to me and what is truly in my heart. I can’t understand how she feels and what she is going through. Anyone who has not lost a child and thinks they can comprehend how a mother feels when her child is taken from her is ludicrous. That is the worst nightmare you could ever go through. How can you ever come back after that? There is no wisdom, no words you can say, no amount of love you can give to make anything right again. You are helpless to make her pain go away.

When my daughter was a child, a kiss and a bandage would make everything all better. Now, there is no amount of my love that can fix what has broken inside her. I feel worthless, like I am failing as a parent while my baby suffers. I see so much in her eyes that no one else sees. Her life will forever have a missing part, a hole that can never be filled. I feel like I’m letting her down because I honestly don’t know how to help her. I’m trying to be the best mom I can. I want to hug her and hold her, that’s what I learned from my parents to help mend a broken heart, but she doesn’t like to be hugged. I don’t know what to do. What should I be doing? What do you do when your grandbaby dies? How do you make life tolerable for your daughter? How do you make it tolerable for yourself? It’s a question I will be asking myself until the day I die, a question that I fear doesn’t have an answer because there is nothing that could ever fix the shattered heart of a mother who has lost her child. I know I am just the grandmother, but I am broken too. How she does it, I don’t know. But she is my beautiful, strong daughter who wakes every morning and smiles at her baby boy, pretends for him that life is amazing while he’s awake, and then cries in the shadows for her sweet Lilly.

For myself, I never thought anything like this would ever happen to our family, to our beautiful Lilly, but I was wrong. It is the worst thing that ever happened to us, something that we can never get past. It is a relentless pounding inside my thoughts, a monster in my head that feeds on my sadness, thrives from my pain, and enjoys making me remember that she’s gone. Man, how it echoes inside my head as if nothing is there but those words. I feel so empty. My heart…my head…nothing there but those two words trapped inside. Those cold, heartless words that repeat on an endless loop…SHE’S GONE.

Chapter 2

I’m going to share in this chapter the first letter I wrote to Lilly. It’s mostly unedited, just my thoughts about what happened on the day Lilly died. I think I wrote it the night after, because we spent the first night in the hospital with Isaac.

It’s weird the things your mind conjures up after everything happens. Silly things, not even important details, just a useless memory that means absolutely nothing. Like remembering that I was watching the series Reign on Netflix. I was in my bedroom on my computer watching it when my husband Ed walked in the room and everything started to happen. I haven’t watched it since, I can’t even think of watching it. I had watched it for weeks and there were only two more episodes ‘til the finale. But to tell you the truth, I’m not even curious about the ending now. That is what I remember. I don’t remember what I wore, if I brushed my hair or teeth. I don’t even recall if I had socks on or underwear for that matter. I just know that it was a fast departure as soon as we found out what hospital they were flying her to, and that I was watching Reign. For some reason, that has always stuck out in my memory.

I’m going to take you through my first thoughts. As I have read them back to myself, they seem to be somewhat different from how I thought I wrote them. I guess maybe I was just writing, putting it down on paper so it would be preserved, to not be forgotten. I felt like I was outside of my body, looking on in disbelief of the situation, as if I were an outsider in my own mind, my fingers moving on the keyboard as if they had a mind of their own because my thoughts were tired, confused, and in shock. I wasn’t myself, but then again, I wasn’t writing a book. I was grieving, so I wasn’t searching for a flow, and I didn’t care if the words were the right choice. I was in a place of complete denial and loss.

It’s odd to look back on my words and my feelings. I cry a lot, but then again, when don’t I? As I read this, I see it playing back to me as if it was a movie, every detail so clear in my mind, every moment, every second so heartbreakingly poignant that I know it will forever be etched in my memory. This day will never fade from the depths of my soul. Some things I beg to forget, but it is buried deep inside, and I will carry it with me until it’s my time to leave this earth. It is trapped inside my heart, inside the part that didn’t go away on the journey with my grandbaby, because when she died, so much of my heart went with her...

*     *     *

Letter to Lilly

When Papa came into our room, I knew something was wrong, it was written all over his face. His phone was pressed against his ear listening to Mommy’s voice as she was panicked trying to give him the information she knew.

All I kept hearing was What hospital? and my heart filled my throat.

What’s the matter? I asked as my stomach turned knowing already it had something to do with one of my grandchildren.

They’re air lifting Lilly. Alex got in an accident, Papa said, his eyes already projecting an emotion I had never seen in them before.

It was then my heart stopped and I knew I would never see you again. I just knew it, I don’t know how, but I did. Papa kept asking me if I knew anything. I told him no, because I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know if it was just me or if it was the shock of the situation. But in my heart, I knew deep down you were leaving this world. I didn’t cry because I couldn’t admit it to myself, I needed you to stay here. You were only four, I didn’t have enough time with you. I kept telling my mom and dad that if you tried to go to them, that they were to tell you it wasn’t your time and make you come back to us.

We got dressed and drove to Canastota to pick up Mommy at Uncle Coco’s apartment and drove straight to Upstate. The ride was almost in silence except for me calling my friends to pray for you. All of us in total shock, not wanting to believe any of this was truly happening, as once again Papa asked me if I knew if you were alright. I wasn’t really lying to him. I felt what I felt, but I wasn’t sure and I couldn’t take away his hope when I wasn’t a hundred percent sure. It wouldn’t be right.

When we finally got to the hospital, we arrived before you, Daddy, and Isaac. But in just a moment, an ambulance pulled in, and Daddy and Isaac were coming out of the back. We went out to see them, hugging them and crying, blessed that they were alright. We questioned Daddy, scared that he had a large cut in his head because he was covered in blood. But his eyes teared up when he told us that all the blood belonged to you. His words took my breath away as I stood back and looked at him. His shirt and jeans were saturated in your blood, and my insides turned as I took a deep breath so I wouldn’t throw up. This only confirmed my thoughts that you, my sweet Lilly, would never hold my hand again, or put your precious little arms around my neck for a hug I would forever long to feel.

Behind him I caught a glimpse of Isaac in a neck collar, sleeping on a gurney. When we asked if he was okay, Daddy said he was fine and they had the neck collar on him as a precaution. I went over to him and kissed him on his forehead. He looked so tiny lying there on such a large stretcher. We only had a second with them until both were brought into the E.R., and we were not allowed to follow.

We went into the waiting room, and almost immediately they brought Mommy to go back to see you. I wanted to go back with her so bad because I knew what would be waiting for her and I didn’t want her to go through that alone. But this hospital wouldn’t let me, and she had to go through seeing you all by herself. I was so angry and upset that they wouldn’t allow me to be there with her. I can’t imagine not having someone with you as they tell you that your daughter is dying or already gone. To be alone, how could this hospital condone this? And my poor daughter, the images she would have to live with for the rest of her life, how could any parent endure this?

When Mommy came back in the room, we were all waiting, hoping for the best, but I knew that you were gone. I was just praying so hard for God to take me and not you