Wars to Peace: Keeping Relationships from Going Nuclear

By Cinthia Hiett

Wars to Peace will teach you to talk to anyone, anywhere, without losing your cool. This “human manual” explores relationships in-depth and teaches you how to de-escalate conflict, improve communication skills and create peace in your life. Cinthia relates to the way we perceive and react to threats using a DEFCON analogy that categorizes both healthy and unhealthy types of conflict.

You’ll learn how to:
• Be aware of your emotions and choose your reaction in any situation
• Set healthy boundaries
• Improve communication, reduce friction and create positive outcomes in your relationships

This book is a brilliant tool for helping you feel calmer and more in control of your emotions, whether you’re talking with someone close to you or someone you just met.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Sep 15, 2022
• ISBN: 9798765230008

Cinthia Hiett

CINTHIA HIETT, M.C. is a life coach, relationship expert, author, podcast host, and international speaker with over 30 years of experience. Through one-on-one coaching sessions, book publishing, group courses, and speaking engagements, Cinthia helps men and women improve their relationships while becoming the best version of themselves. Cinthia holds a Master’s in Counseling and Wars to Peace is her fourth book. For more, visit cinthiahiett.com.

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Copyright © 2022 Cinthia Hiett.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3001-5 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2999-6 (hc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3000-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022911291

Balboa Press rev. date: 09/07/2022

Contents

Part I

The Human Manual: Peace Is Possible

Introduction

Chapter 1An Introduction to DEFCON

Chapter 2DEFCON Levels

Chapter 3DEFCON as Default

Chapter 4Amygdala and Frontal Lobe of the Brain

Chapter 5Drunk on Emotions

Chapter 6Suspending Fight-Flight-Freeze Phenomenon

Chapter 7Managing DEFCON

Chapter 8The Powerful Difference Between Hurt and Harm

Chapter 9The Truth vs My Experience

Chapter 10When Reality Clashes with Truth

Chapter 11Explanations and Excuses

Part II

It’s All About Me: Self-Management

Chapter 12State of the Union: Who Am I?

Chapter 13Knowing Myself - Temperament

Chapter 14Knowing Myself - Gender

Chapter 15Communication Values - Rapport vs Report, Respect vs Care

Chapter 16Maturing with Your Body

Chapter 17Internal and External Control

Chapter 18Adult-Children - The Adult Has Left the Building

Chapter 19False Guilt and Toxic Shame

Chapter 20Adult-Children Are High-Risk Relators

Chapter 21True Adults - Principles Adults Master

Chapter 22Managing the Little Me Inside the Big Me

Chapter 23Grief and Loss

Chapter 24Boundaries

Chapter 25Self-Care

Chapter 26Having a Strong Ego

Chapter 27Your Own Personal DEFCON

Part III

International Waters

Chapter 28You Are a Representative

Chapter 29Responsible Representation

Chapter 30Relational Strategies

Chapter 31Creating Romantic Intimacy – Some Helpful Generalizations

Chapter 32The End Result

Recommended Resources

Dedication

This book is dedicated to you.

For thirty years, I have coached, directed, mentored, and treated individuals interested in becoming the best version of themselves. What this work has shown me is the value of building relationships that are not only meaningful, but impactful and life-giving. Learning to communicate in ways that create successful, healthy, strong, and safe connections is vital to becoming your best self and living a joy-filled life.

My prayer for you is to remember you are a one-time-only occurring person who is designed to enjoy this world, to flourish, and to leave everything better than you found it. My promise is to do everything I can to help you along the way. I hope this book empowers you to speak your truth with kindness, teaches you how to listen deeply, and helps you become a master communicator with those you love most and those you’ve just met.

Of course, I’d like to give an extra special thank you to my husband, Michael, for his eternal love, support and encouragement, and to my colleagues, Bethany and Ron, my dear friends, Lisa, Andrea and Cody, Jan and Greg, Tracey, and my mother—you enrich my life daily. This book would still be a pile of notes if it were not for the time, energy, and dedication of my team (Beth, Amy, Michelle, Becca, Christy, and Jackie), all of whom so energetically gave their time and attention to the process of bringing this book to completion. I am grateful and consider myself very fortunate to be surrounded by incredible humans.

PART I

The Human Manual:

Peace Is Possible

Introduction

Take a moment to imagine what your life would be like without anxiety attacks, without shouting matches with your partner, spouse, kids, or co-workers. How much happier would you be without experiencing week-long standoffs with your girlfriend (when you have no idea what you’ve done) or hearing the over-used I’m fine and the passive-aggressive behaviors and comments that always follow? You know how badly you feel when you lose control of yourself on an innocent friend or a random driver. And even worse, think of the time you undermined the legitimacy of your own hurt because you lost control of yourself on the person who actually hurt you.

I imagine you must be so over it all—over all the chaos, misunderstanding, misperception, hurt, confusion, stress, crazy feelings, and unresolved issues. Peace would be such a relief. Can you imagine that kind of freedom? Believe it or not, this kind of peace is possible for you.

This is a relationship book. And, yes, if you are looking to better your relationship with your partner, these concepts will help. But we’re not going to simply confine these principles to intimate, romantic relationships. The principles in this book are universal truths and are effective in all types and forms of relationships.

You will learn the methods and protocols of special forces, first responders, therapists, coaches, psychologists, and pastors. You will be able to implement much of what they employ in war and emergency situations, such as the ability to control their bodies and minds. They must be able to have calm in the midst of mayhem as a way to make safe decisions for themselves and those they are protecting, as well as decisions that create long-term success.

These principles can and will influence every interaction you have. They work with your girlfriend, your mail carrier, your personal trainer, your husband, your colleagues, and the clerk at the grocery store. They work with friends, relatives, and random strangers. These are keys to success that will change all interactions. This book is a lifestyle makeover.

As we navigate through life, the truth is that we will encounter rude, obnoxious, unreasonable, angry, irritating, hurtful people. I know this, embarrassingly enough, because I have been one of these people. When we are tempted to hide from life—to avoid all of the crazy—we have to remember that we cannot hide from others or ourselves. We need to learn how to live at peace.

Keeping the peace means learning how to get through the next moments without going nuclear. Keeping peace means taking a deep look at ourselves: getting to know the tools in our toolbox (or actually getting our own toolbox!) and understanding how, when, and why we use them. Through the practices in this book, you will gain the confidence to know yourself and to know others and to truly enjoy them for who they are versus slogging through bad feelings all the time. My goal is for you to learn how to create and keep peace everywhere you go—if it is at all possible and wise.

Now, we are not talking kumbaya peace. We will not be holding hands around the fire pit. Or will we yell, SERENITY NOW! as famously parodied on the Seinfeld show. We are talking about genuine, lasting, practical peace.

Moreover, being a peaceful person does not mean you are walking around weaponless. Being a peaceful person does not mean humiliating yourself, just taking it, or accepting abuse. Practicing peace does not have to involve weakness or disrespect. On the contrary, you will be even more prepared because you will know when and if you need to go to war in your relationships. And if you do find yourself going to war, you will know how to do it honorably.

Living in peace becomes the new default: Instead of living in a war zone that occasionally lets up, we can live in peace with occasional battles, and only battle when necessary. Leaving the dirty socks right next to the hamper does NOT call for war. When someone gives you a dirty look, fails to text you back, or catches you in a bad mood, do NOT go to war. Save fights for what is illegal, immoral, unethical, or dangerous. Living in peace means you have more self-control and are less likely to be easily manipulated. You think first, then decide how to act—versus reacting and then thinking about what you just did. This kind of peace is empowering! Believe me, the more peace you have, the more power you have.

Save fights for what is illegal, immoral, unethical, or dangerous.

I am not going to lie to you—living in peace takes some work. Okay, it takes a lot of work, but it is so worth it. You will learn in these pages how to de-escalate the energy of a conflict. You will learn how to take advantage of time. You will learn the science behind gender differences. You will learn about communication, temperament/identity, and trust. You will be equipped with life-changing information about human relationships that can forever transform the way you perceive people in your life and how they respond to you.

As I see it, all relationships matter—even those minor interactions with people we see in passing. We are so easily affected by even the smallest positive or negative experiences (think about the person who gave you their parking place or the person who stole your parking place, purposefully ignoring or rebuffing you). We do not have to go about living life recklessly or governed by our negative experiences. The more you know about yourself, and the better you learn the art of self-control (believe me, it is an art!), the more resilient you will become. Through this book, you will learn a new emotional language that will change the tone of your relationships. People will begin to have better and better experiences with you, and in turn, you will start having better experiences with them.

Why should I have to keep the peace? I hear you thinking. Why is it my responsibility?

It is a valid question. Keeping the peace and controlling yourself takes a lot of energy and patience. For the sake of argument, how much do we alter our environments for our pets or our children. Think of how understanding we are of a dog who chews up our favorite pair of shoes (we all know how creative we can get in order to hide those shoes). Let’s talk about how much money we spend on cat litter and silly toys, so we can have a happy cat in our home (I know this because I have one!). How about the elaborate lengths we go in order to babyproof a house (we actually went from a sports car to a minivan!)? Why would we not show the same deference to our counterparts and contemporaries? Why would we not try to live together well, just as we try to live well with dogs or cats or children or extended family or neighbors? Not that we accept poor behavior, but we accept and work with the natural differences.

The only way you can work towards that peaceful environment is to focus on managing yourself; this is because you are the only one who can control yourself. Adults are responsible for themselves even when other adults are not being responsible. We have all (myself included) needed and wanted to change people. I understand wanting people to change—in fact, it is why I wrote this book. I know what it feels like to be so affected by other people’s moods and behaviors that it feels as if I’m being held hostage. I know what it feels like to want people to stop doing what they are doing, so I can feel okay. (Note: if you are familiar with the term codependency, this is deeper than that.) However, you cannot control everyone around you, or should you try. You can only control yourself and how you respond to the environment around you. You can learn to understand your own body, your own heart, and your own mind. When I control myself, I always like myself better, tolerate others much better, and don’t take them so personally.

So, what does it really mean to be the best version of yourself, and how do you know if you’re moving in the right direction? I have been counseling, coaching, and consulting individuals, companies, families, churches, and couples since 1990. Through these many years spent watching and researching, I have learned some very basic and core truths that continue to stand the test of time:

1. You are alive for a reason; God created you with purpose . . . weaving it into your very creation.

2. You can effect change in yourself and the world around you.

3. Pain is inevitable, and the effective management of it is imperative if you are to be who you were originally created to be.

This first and most fundamental truth is that you are alive for a reason—your life is not an issue of happenstance. There is a point to all this! So, why are you here? How will you move from just surviving to thriving?

Whether you believe it, or feel it, your presence matters.

You affect this world and the people around you positively or negatively. The fact that you will influence others is a given, regardless of your position in life. We live in a world that is extremely interconnected and highly complicated. What kind of effect are you having? Are you one of those people who leave others feeling replenished, renewed, and reinforced, or are you the person who leaves people needing to be repaired and restored? Why is this so important? I believe if you are being the best version of yourself, you will add, not detract from others and the world around you.

You have something in you that is unique, special, and original; the most important question you could ever ask yourself is, Are you the best version of yourself? If not, what is holding you back from becoming your own best version? This is where the concept of Life Management comes into play. In this book, I want to teach you to be your own Life Manager, learning to manage your own best version of who you are and what role you are operating in.

I want you to be the cutting-edge version of yourself. However, if you are living in the past, lamenting over your past mistakes, missed opportunities, dwelling in shame, or running away, you will be unable to achieve your best future. If you are one of the fortunate individuals whose past is filled with successes and happiness, your best version still needs to be continually updated, revised, and refined; otherwise your past may be brilliant but will not be new.

Understanding the second truth, I can effect change in myself and the world around me, means you move from waiting and hoping your life will turn out okay to taking responsibility for creating a life you love, on purpose! If you don’t understand this concept, you will then just survive your life—because people, places, and things will affect you. You will go through life hoping that it treats you kindly, hoping you will be successful, hoping that your relationships work out.

If you don’t like what you’re getting, stop doing what you’re doing.

Owning your life and your choices is an internal job! You only have control over yourself, and if you want to effect change in people, places, and things, then the change must come from within you and be manifested in your behavior and attitudes. Too often as leaders, parents, friends, etc., we focus on external circumstances or people. Every time we focus on the externals to feel better internally, we lose the power to truly influence change. Ironically, we end up giving the external concerns the power to now control us. Ultimately, I can only control one thing . . . how I respond to the people and things around me.

Our words and actions are important. In fact, your words alone can affect the decisions and behaviors of others. Your actions, too, can affect the perceptions, notions, and presuppositions of those around you. You have a responsibility to the world around you, whether you are a CEO of a company, a parent, a pastor, a friend, an employee, etc., to realize the impact you have. You were born for a reason, so do it well.

And thirdly, know that pain is inevitable, and the effective management of it is imperative if you are to be who you were created to be.

You can either have your pain be in vain or leverage your pain for gain.

Our internal world is filled with wonderful qualities as well as past hurts, failures, and our own weaknesses. Many times, our weaknesses have brought us pain, anguish, embarrassment, and regret. If you are a truly unique, occurring only one time, individual, then just as your strengths, talents, and destiny are unique, your weaknesses, failures, and missed opportunities are also equally unique. I believe the whole person must be managed. In other words, both your strengths and weaknesses must have time spent on them in order to be a well-balanced and congruent individual (your best version).

The more you understand, accept, and work on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, the better able you will be to mitigate the effect they have on your strengths. We spend an inordinate time on our strengths and do not learn how to protect, cover, and support our weaknesses. I have found that individuals who are not afraid or ashamed of their weaknesses are far more effective, more authentic, and far less likely to make a mistake than those who are afraid and ashamed of them.

The absence of pain is not possible when living in an imperfect world with imperfect people. The goal is not the alleviation of all pain but the acceptance, management, and growth that comes from dealing with it.

As you work on your own health, people around you will seem to change. But in all actuality, what is most likely changing is you—your attitude, actions, and experiences. When you are not as affected by the moods and behaviors of others, you’ll find it easier to love them, to appreciate them, and to more fully enjoy them in a wholehearted manner. No matter how complicated the situation is or the people are, the secret is: I am no longer complicating matters, and that makes a huge difference!

By learning to be the best version of yourself, you will more likely than not find yourself a new and more mature partner. It is the law of attraction: You attract people who are like yourself. When you are a higher functioning person, you attract higher functioning people.

Picture a staircase: it takes much more effort to walk up the stairs than to walk down the stairs. I think of emotional intelligence and higher functioning as similar to the various levels of a staircase. On this staircase, you can only pair up with the people on your step, on the step below you, or on the step above you. People three or four stair steps away are simply unavailable. Even if you can see them and talk to them, you cannot get to them, you cannot walk alongside or close to them. This means, if you are not meeting the right people (or consistently find yourself with people who disappoint), then you may need to put more effort into moving up the stairs. You will begin noticing people you have never noticed before. You will have new people available to you. Why? You will be on the same functioning level emotionally (the same stair step). People with the same emotional language attract each other. People are better able to connect, are more attractive, and less stressed when they speak the same emotional language and have similar functioning abilities.

As you gain awareness and maturity, you can also protect yourself from relationships destined to fail. You will more easily identify a person’s functionality level and create appropriate boundaries when you need to. And, big bonus, skip the thousands of dollars in couples counseling and legal fees: Do the work beforehand and save yourself a lot of money and grief.

Ask yourself what stairstep you are on. Are you finding people you like there? If not, move up the staircase by working towards maturity . . . by living in peace. You will find yourself around new people—people who are at a higher level of functionality. You will be more likable and more attractive. Growth takes time. Humans take time. You deserve time! You must allow yourself space for new experiences in order to change and grow. This book will help you climb these levels.

Yes, you can and will change. Honestly, it will seem like magic. Impossible, you think? On the contrary—it is possible!

How do I know? The principles I will introduce to you in this book have been tried and tested for years with my clients and proved to be sustainable and successful for years with success; furthermore, I practice these principles myself! I walk them out every day. In my practice, I am notorious for using my own life for examples (it’s okay to feel bad for my husband, friends, and family). I do usually change the names to protect the innocent! Because I have practiced and experimented in my own life, I understand these concepts. I can say with confidence and conviction, it has revolutionized my personal and professional life.

I promise that as you begin to use the principles presented in this book, you will notice a profound difference. You will change your focus and stop trying to control people, places, and things, and you will learn to control yourself—what you think, feel, need, want, perceive, expect, and, ultimately, accept and tolerate.

You will embrace the idea that you have an amazing, untapped ability to affect (notice I am not saying change or control) the people around you. In general, if you want to be loved, be loving. If you want kindness, be kind. If you want to be liked, BE LIKABLE! If you want world peace, be peaceful. Period. One person at a time. Creating peace within your realm of influence makes a real, tangible difference. When you learn to live at peace with yourself and come to terms with yourself, the ripple effect will be well worth your effort. You will become an agent of change for good.

The way I explain things in this book and the principles I present are a result of what has made sense to me through the years of my therapy practice and in my own personal life. These are my own theories about people: my ways of looking at their intentions and their makeup, how to understand them, and how to get along with them. This is how I learned to live at peace with myself and others and truly enjoy myself, others, and, most importantly, the people I love.

To use this book most effectively, I do recommend you read it sequentially from cover to cover at least once as some of the concepts build upon one another. That said, if you desire to skip ahead to a topic that speaks to you, you may do that as well. This book is designed to be a manual to help you understand yourself so you can relate better with others.

Are you ready to understand your own relational toolbox? Do you want to organize it and understand which tools will help you feel safe with the most difficult, hurtful people? Do you want to strengthen, deepen, and stabilize your most valuable relationships?

If you give me a few hours of your time to read through these chapters and begin to put your newfound knowledge into practice, you can have peace. That peace will manifest in less stress, fewer fights, and more harmonious relationships. Like putting on glasses for the first time, you will finally see all the intricacies, nuances, and uniqueness of those around you and in yourself. You will experience what it is like to live at peace, enjoy yourself, and enjoy those you love.

SECTION ONE

Sound the Alarm!

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CHAPTER 1

An Introduction to DEFCON

It was a beautiful day, the kind of day Michael considered perfect for getting some physical work done. As he drove down I-17 toward the dump, he enjoyed the sunshine and a sense of pride from finally clearing the deck of all the debris from his demolition of the kitchen. The junk in the bed of the truck rattled and shifted as he drove. He knew he had done his best to strap down all the material well; after all, you can never be too careful.

As he glanced in his rear-view mirror, Michael noticed a pickup truck following closely behind him. That’s strange, he thought. He slowed down a bit to make it clear that he didn’t mind being passed.

But the truck stayed right behind him. Before Michael knew it, the truck pulled up alongside him, suddenly putting Michael in an eye lock with a clearly angry driver pointing backward at the end of his truck. Uh oh.

Michael immediately put on his signal and made for the next exit to get out of traffic and inspect his load. The irate driver followed closely, staying right behind in his own pickup. Understandably, Michael was on guard, not quite certain what he was in for. He quickly decided he would keep himself calm no matter what happened. The two drivers exited their cars, one man visibly angry and the other calm and ready.

Hey, what’s going on? the angry man yelled at Michael. Your junk’s flying out of your truck and hitting my truck. I’m sick and tired of people letting their junk fly all over the highway and not stopping, the man accused.

Michael understood that he was in the wrong. So, trying to be reasonable, he said, I had no idea. I thought I had everything strapped down. He looked over at the man’s truck, surveying it for damage. Are you OK? Is there anything wrong with your truck?

I’m just tired of people not paying attention, the man spouted, visibly pissed, with his arms crossed in defiance, ready to go to war.

Michael replied, Like I said, I had no idea. I thought I strapped everything down. But you’re right. I see it. Do you want my name and insurance information?

The man’s face changed as he processed Michael’s words. He uncrossed his arms and adjusted his ball cap, studying Michael as if to gauge his authenticity. He sighed heavily, letting out a deep breath, and finally responded. Look, I’m sorry I was such a jerk about it, the man offered. I’m from Illinois, and I’m just tired of people not respecting the road. I took an early lunch break, saw your truck with all the stuff flying out and hitting my truck, and I lost it.

Michael nodded in agreement. Yeah, I get that. I didn’t mean any disrespect, my bad. Hey, let me make it right, he said as he inspected the guy’s bumper. Do you want to get your bumper buffed out? Seriously, man. Whatever.

The man’s posture softened a bit more. Aw, don’t worry about it. The men exchanged information, and Michael said he’d call and follow up with him.

When he called later that day, again offering to make it right, the man told him not to worry about it. This reasonable, satisfied, calm man on the phone sounded nothing like the aggressive, pissed-off man who had originally pulled up beside Michael on the freeway ready to go to blows!! Truly, this situation could have gone nuclear!

The way Michael responded might sound like overkill, or maybe not your style; however, this is the magic of responding instead of reacting. Michael offered this man a new experience as to how to deal with the intense upset and disrespect of a potentially volatile situation, one we’ve all seen before. I wouldn’t be surprised if this gentleman has already had an opportunity to try out this new way of relating. Haven’t we all experienced that before? We all know the world is changed one person at a time.

If you only get ONE thing from this entire book, it’s about being strong enough to own it when you’re in the wrong. It’s about knowing where you end and other people begin. But here’s the deal, going nuclear on people is irreversible, and most of the time, there is no reason for it. You may be asking yourself, How did that potentially dangerous situation sort itself out so well? Just keep reading. This question, which embodies the pain experienced in the smallest of misunderstandings all the way to the complete destruction of a relationship breakdown, is what compelled me to write this book.

These kinds of situations can happen multiple times every single day. It does not always present itself as a dramatic highway showdown. In your case, it could come as a run-in with your co-worker, a tense conversation with your spouse, an anxiety-ridden phone call with a friend, or an intense throwdown with your child or extended family.

We all face conflict and difficult people every day, yet we often don’t handle ourselves as well as Michael did. How many of us would have given that driver a piece of our mind? After all, he was the one overreacting. If Michael had done what came naturally to most of us, and given it right back to him, I can guarantee this would have started the two down a path that would not have ended well (at least for the other guy!).

Trust me, my husband is no pushover—he was bigger than the man who jumped out of the truck. He wasn’t just being the proverbial nice guy. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to get hurt. And it wasn’t because he didn’t have any weapons in his arsenal. It was because his maturity gave him enough confidence and wisdom to not be afraid of the fact that he was in the wrong. This confidence is a foundational and pivotal first step in being a safe person. He screwed up—period. He didn’t try to change the fact his debris was flying out of the bed of his truck. He was strong enough to admit he was wrong—and he was also strong enough not to be taken advantage of. He knew a bad confrontation could have ended with two men in jail. He was strong enough to act with self-control—even though we know that’s not the easiest course, it was, however, the smartest course for both of them.

It can be war out there—seriously. Often, we would rather go nuclear on someone to prove we are right, or to get out of being wrong, rather than work toward resolution. Going nuclear is the easy way out. We are going to learn and practice doing the hard things first and having easy after, versus doing the easiest first and having so much hard after.

There’s got to be a better way, right? I’m here with some great news for you—there is indeed a better way. Not only will this better way help you deal with the people around you in a more constructive manner, but it will also bring much-needed peace to you and others. We all need more peace.

However, we are all fighters. There are two different types of fighters, two different camps. The first group fights for power, control, and dominance. They are highly combative—emotionally and physically. They crave being right. They like to fight as a way to discharge negative emotional energy. They feel entitled to use whatever tools they need in order to win their cause or justify their behaviors or opinions. Oftentimes, they fight in order to avoid