A PartneraEUR(tm)s Guide To Truth & Healing: A Healing Journey for Betrayed Partners

By John A. Sternfels LPC NCC CCPS CSAT CMAT C-SASI

A Partner's Guide to Truth and Healing

A Healing Journey for Betrayed Partners

John Sternfels, LPC, NCC, CCPS, CSAT, CMAT, C-SASI

When infidelity occurs, betrayed partners enter into a state of emotional distress. In a flash, their world is suddenly turned upside down. With no help in sight, no one to turn to, and no one to help, they find themselves alone, shocked, angry, and scared. Their world becomes filled with hypervigilance, avoidance behaviors, flashbacks, sleep disturbances, mood and health problems, rumination thoughts, etc. Contained within the pages of this book, John Sternfels provides a pathway to truth and healing. Partners will gain a clearer understanding of what has happened and what is needed to heal. Regardless of where you are in the journey, betrayal is a season in a partner's life but must not become a destination or a permanent identity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781637106334

Book preview

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A Partner's Guide To Truth and Healing

A Healing Journey for Betrayed Partners

John A. Sternfels, LPC, NCC, CCPS, CSAT, CMAT, C-SASI

Copyright © 2021 John Sternfels, LPC, NCC, CCPS, CSAT, CMAT, C-SASI

All rights reserved

First Edition

Fulton Books

Meadville, PA

Published by Fulton Books 2021

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations or reviews. The views expressed in this book are not necessarily those of the publisher.

ISBN 978-1-63710-632-7 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-63710-633-4 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Author's Note

Introduction

Chapter 1

What Is Happening to Me?

Chapter 2

What Is Betrayal Partner Trauma?

Chapter 3

What Is a Codependent/Co-addict?

Chapter 4

What Is Sex Addiction?

Chapter 5

The Impact of Betrayal Partner Trauma

Chapter 6

The Therapeutic Disclosure/Polygraph Process

Chapter 7

Finding a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist (CCPS)

Chapter 8

Finding a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT)

Chapter 9

Grounding Techniques

Chapter 10

Assessments: Betrayal Partner Trauma and Sex Addiction

Final Words

Feeling Guide List I

Emotion Word List (Difficult/Unpleasant Feelings)

Feeling Guide List II

Emotion Word List (Difficult/Unpleasant Feelings)

Resource Guide

Bibliography/References

About the Author

Your partner's intimate sexual betrayal is not your fault—you are not the cause.

—Unknown

I am indebted to the many courageous and brave partners from 2010 to the present, whose struggles and successes inspired this book's writing. I am deeply appreciative of the valuable insights each has contributed to the interest in helping others who are taking courageous steps toward their healing due to Betrayal Partner Trauma.

I desire that this book will provide greater insight, understanding, guidance, strength, and empowerment to your healing journey.

John Sternfels,

LPC, NCC, CCPS, CSAT, CMAT, C-SASI

To my wife, Kathy—

Thank you for your endless inspiration, encouragement, and support. Your compassion and care in motivating me to write this book are priceless.

Author's Note

It is no coincidence that this book is in your hand. It is in your hand because you discovered or have been told your partner has sexually betrayed your relationship. In a blink of an eye, your entire relationship is now in question. Shocked, confused, feeling alone, and scared, you do not know where to turn for help. What used to feel safe and secure has now turned to fear and vulnerability. Thoughts fill your mind: How can my partner do this to me? How can he say he loves me yet do this to me, our marriage, our family? Your head is screaming Help!

What you thought was safe and secure is now in question. The discovery of your partner's secret life has washed away and destroyed the very foundation of your relationship. No stability. No trust. You wonder: Who would understand? You feel alone and abandoned.

Your home may no longer be a safe place to process all of this. You ask yourself: What else don't I know? You now have to question everything! Why did he do this? Why is this happening? What did I do to cause this? Has my relationship with him been all lies? Help me!

If this is you, I want you to know you are not alone; there is help. This book can help you understand what has happened and help you get to truth and healing. This book was written with you in mind. It will provide a step-by-step walk toward truth and healing. Breathe. You are going to get through this.

To help you know you are not alone, I have included stories of previous partners who have taken the healing journey before you. I believe this can help you know you are not alone; there is help. The stories contained within are written in knowing what their experience has been. These are stories of other couples who have successfully walked the journey of healing.

Although your situation may be different from the stories contained within, the healing outcome is the same. Remember, you are not alone as others have experienced Betrayal Partner Trauma and have learned to rebuild their lives, becoming stronger and wiser.

Note: The stories are true; the names and demographics have been changed to protect the partner/couple's identity. I hope that each story contained within these pages breathes continued hope and healing for you.

As you read this, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of partners like you who are starting their healing journey this very moment.

—Unknown

Introduction

If you think your spouse/partner is a sex addict or a porn addict, this book is for you. By taking your time reading slowly through each chapter, you will learn about what has happened or is happening to you and what exactly is sex addiction. I hope this basic guide will instill hope and healing.

I have included personal stories of partners explaining how they have been impacted to help you know you are not alone. Yes, other partners have gone before you and healed. My hope for you by reading this book is to help you understand what Betrayal Partner Trauma is and know the path to healing.

Before we begin, take a moment and breathe. Give yourself permission to stop and breathe. Join me by taking a deep breath and hold it for three seconds (one, two, three), now release. Let's try it again; this time, feel your lungs fill up with the air you breathe and feel your stomach area expand. With pursed lips, notice and feel the air passing through your lips, slowly. Stay with me. If you notice your mind racing with thoughts right now, breathe again and let your wandering thoughts go. Give yourself the gift of being present and breathe slowly. Don't let the wondering thoughts rob you of this moment. Don't remunerate unpleasant thoughts. You can notice them and let them pass you by. Again, you can notice them and let them pass by. I will discuss more about the benefits of grounding techniques in Chapter 9.

This book is written to provide you with guidance to help start your personal healing journey! In this book, you will learn some basics of sex addiction and what betrayal partner trauma is. Additionally, this book will help lead you to truth and healing; knowing the truth about your partner's sexual/emotional betrayals outside of your relationship. I will also provide information and support for recovery.

Lastly, I will share real stories from other healing partners and spouses. I hope these stories will help you gain more significant insights and understandings into your healing.

Remember, you are not alone; you are not crazy, nor are you frozen in time. You are going to survive and overcome this!

God has a wonderful way to redeem and heal our pain when we allow Him to.

—Unknown

Chapter 1

What Is Happening to Me?

Life as we know it can change in an instant. One moment, it's life as usual, and the next moment, unexpectedly, the bottom falls out from underneath us. Your world comes tumbling down. This can occur from any traumatic event whether it be from a natural disaster, an unpleasant event, a dangerous situation, or an overwhelming situation. Trauma can also be a result of experiencing betrayal partner trauma. Regardless of the experience or situation, trauma is trauma.

Authors Lesia M. Ruglass and Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, in their book, Psychology of Trauma 101, state it this way:

Psychological trauma can occur when a person experiences an extreme stressor that negatively affects their emotional or physical well-being. Trauma can cause emotionally painful and distressing feelings that overwhelm a person's capacity to cope and leave them with feelings of helplessness.

These experiences or traumatic events can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As a result, the brain and nervous system are adversely impacted.

Let me explain. There are two terms of which I would like you to have a basic understanding. The first term is neurobiology. Neurobiology is the study of the nervous system and how the brain works. The second is neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to adapt and change.

Neurobiology—The Brain Is a Remarkable Organ

It is vital to know, regardless of what you may be going through, you will be able to heal. While it may seem so overwhelming to you right now, it can get better. Although not to sugarcoat it, it is my experience working with partners that the varying trauma symptoms can range from a few days, months, or even a few years.

A partner who I have been working with recently wrote about her journey. As you will read, she decided very early on in her own healing journey that she was not allowing anything or anyone to interfere with her healing regardless of her husband's recovery:

I am living my vision of myself. A balanced life of inner peace, contentment, and appreciation. Confident in myself and my abilities as a woman and willing to act on my passions and stand up for myself. A life where I honor my womanhood and make healthy choices for my mind and body. A life where mistakes are not feared but transformed into strengths. A life where I am guided by faith to choose behaviors that forge healthy, intimate, faithful connections with family, friends, and loved ones. A life free of self-imposed burdens of others' expectations of me. A life grounded in decency and integrity—a life filled with love, laughter, and fun where personal growth is embraced.

To help explain trauma, neuropsychologist Dr. C. Campbell writes:

[Trauma] refers to the brain's physiological changes that happen as the result of our interactions with our environment. From the time the brain begins to develop in utero until the day we die, the connections among the cells in our brains reorganize in response to our changing needs. This dynamic process allows us to learn from and adapt to different experiences.

Trauma

Furthermore, authors Julie Rosenzweig et al. writes:

What is experienced as traumatic psychologically differs across individuals. Psychological trauma includes the individual's subjective perception of what is traumatic. Key factors that influence this variation include prior trauma, developmental stage, the severity of the trauma exposure, and the involvement of interpersonal relationships.¹

Experiencing chronic anxiety, stress, guilt, rage, and fear, regardless of the cause, can be extremely taxing on the body and mind. Unaddressed, trauma can lead to long-term challenges. Author and trauma expert Peter Levine writes:

When it comes to trauma, what we don't know can hurt us. Not knowing we are traumatized doesn't prevent us from having problems that are caused by it.²

The long-lasting adverse effects are a critical component of trauma. These adverse effects may occur immediately or may have a delayed onset. The duration of the consequences can be short- to long-term. In some situations, the partner may not recognize the connection between the trauma event (e.g., discovery or disclosure) and the effects.

Examples of adverse effects include the partner's inability to cope with the everyday stresses and strains of daily life. Partners have lost the ability to know who to trust, maintain cognitive processes such as memory, attention, thinking, manage behavior, and manage emotional regulation.

Neuroplasticity—The Brain Can Heal

The brain can adapt and undergo biological changes to help make adaptation changes to injury/trauma. These biological changes can help the brain rewire itself and create new neural connections that promote growth and healing.

In a most excellent book, Facing Heartbreak, author Stefanie Carnes, PhD, writes, In spite of the pain you have been dealing with, your brain can heal even when your heart is experiencing hurt and trauma.³

The human brain alone has over a hundred billion neurons. Neurons are cells that specialize in receiving, propagating (growing), and transmitting electrical impulses. You may be asking yourself