What Happens After Shattered?: Finding Hope and Healing After Infidelity

By Dr. Deanna Sims

It is no secret that many hearts have been shattered by infidelity. With affairs and sexual addiction at all time highs in our society, it is no wonder that those affected by the real-life trauma and agonizing pain of unfaithfulness search for ways to cope, forgive, and eventually heal.

In her comprehensive, Christian self-help guidebook What Happens After Shattered?, licensed mental health counselor Dr. Deanna Sims shares gentle guidance that includes case examples, strategies for coping and healing, and over one hundred biblical passages. With the hope of encouraging and supporting those on a journey to healing after infidelity, Dr. Sims addresses many key issues including how to

identify the different types of affairs;
honor anger as a natural phase of grieving;
navigate through the discovery and disclosure phases of an affair;
understand narcissism and its correlation to infidelity;
answer questions to determine whether to reconcile or terminate the marriage;
implement an affair-prevention plan to safeguard your marriage;
work toward a spirit of forgiveness;

What Happens After Shattered? reinforces the important message that hope, personal growth, and healing are possibleeven after the life-altering experience of an affair.

A unique and valuable resource for those in the Christian community.
Peggy Vaughan, author of To Have and To Hold and host of DearPeggy.com

A well-thought-out Christian counseling book on the topic of infidelity.
Rona Subotnik, LMFT, coauthor of Surviving Infidelity, 3rd Edition
and author of Why Did He Cheat on Me?

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Sep 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490888187

Dr. Deanna Sims

Dr. Deanna Sims earned her undergraduate degree in psychology from Texas A&M University and earned her doctoral and master’s degrees in counseling from the University of North Texas. She is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Dallas, Texas, and is an active member of St. Andrew United Methodist Church.

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Copyright © 2015 Dr. Deanna Sims.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. WWW.ZONDERVAN.COM The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Offices by Biblica, Inc.™

Names and particular details of examples described in this book have been changed to protect the anonymity of the individuals.

WestBow Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-8817-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-8819-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-8818-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015914061

WestBow Press rev. date: 08/21/2015

Grateful acknowledgement is given for use of the following:

Excerpt from Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. Copyright © 1959, 1962, 1984, 1992 by Viktor E. Frankl. Reprinted by permission of Beacon Press, Boston.

Material from Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris. Copyright © 2005. Reprinted by permission of Rona Subotnik.

Excerpt from Help for Therapists (and their Clients) in Dealing with Affairs by Peggy Vaughan. Copyright © 2010. Reprinted by permission of Peggy Vaughan.

Quote from The Death of Don Juan: Murder, Myth and Mayhem in Madrid by Robert Stradling in History Today(43)5. Copyright ©1993. Reprinted by permission of History Today.

Quotes from Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy by Frank Pittman. Copyright © 1989. Reprinted by permission of W.W. Norton & Company.

Excerpt from The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision. Copyright © 2000. Reprinted by permission of American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc.

Quote from Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin. Copyright © 2008. Reprinted by permission of Dr. Sam Vaknin.

Quote from The Male Brain: A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think by Louann Brizendine. Copyright © 2010. Reprinted by permission of Random House.

Quote from Lonely All the Time: Recognizing, Understanding and Overcoming Sex Addiction, for Addicts and Co-Dependents by Drs. Ralph Earle and Gregory Crow. Copyright© 1989. Reprinted by permission of the Phillip Lief Group. Website: www.PLG.US.com

To my parents, David and Marilyn Sims, for always loving me unconditionally

CONTENTS

Author’s Note

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1: Infidelity

Needing God the Most

Infidelity Statistics

Reasons for Continued Infidelity in our Culture

Infidelity: The Most Painful Experience

Reconciliation from Infidelity is Possible

Chapter 2: Anger

Desire for Vindication and Validation

Anger as Part of the Healing and Grieving Process

Mountaintop Phenomenon

Anger is Morally Neutral

Anger and Negativity

Anger and Bitterness

Anger and Forgiveness

Anger: Righteous or Self-Righteous?

Chapter 3: Forgiveness

Validation of Anger

Tug of War Process of Forgiveness

Anger as Part of the Process of Forgiveness

Purging Type of Disclosure that Impacts Forgiveness

Trickle Truth Phenomenon

Truth is Necessary for Healing

The Right of Betrayed Spouses to Ask Questions

Accountability of Straying Spouses

Forgiveness in Spurts

Forgiveness is Necessary for Healing

Myths of Forgiveness

Are Anger and Forgiveness Adversaries?

Forgiveness as a Process

Reliance on God for Help

Chapter 4: Types of Infidelity

Traits of Affairs: Secrecy, Lies, and Violation of Trust

Who is Responsible for the Affair?

Special Note to Therapists about Responsibility

Classifying Infidelity

The Fling or One Night Stand

Lack of Emotional Commitment in Flings

Serial Affairs

Gender Statistics Regarding Serial Affairs

Lack of Emotional Commitment in Serial Affairs

Lack of Commitment to Affair Partners and Spouses

Serial Affairs as Unhealthy Defense Mechanisms

Don Juans

Origin of the Don Juan Character

Definition of Womanizer

Mozart’s Don Giovanni

Legendary Nature of Don Juan

Story of Don Juan

Theories as to Why Don Juan’s Legend Has Survived Centuries

Sexual Addiction

Symptoms of Sexual Addiction

Treatment of Sexual Addiction

Pornography

Differential Diagnosis: Mental Health Conditions

Bipolar Disorder Versus Sexual Symptoms

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Versus Sexual Symptoms

Romantic Affairs

Greater Amount of Emotional Investment in Affair Partner

Grim Statistics: Most Affair-Born Relationships are Doomed

Long-Term Affairs

Long-Term Affairs Pose the Greatest Risk to Marriages

Is Male Monogamy Biological?

Monogamy Versus Promiscuity and Vasopressin Receptor Genes

Chapter 5: Narcissism

Narcissism and Infidelity: The Research Correlation

Narcissism Defined

Narcissism and Gender Differences

Prognosis of Narcissism

Foundations of Narcissism

Adaptive Defensive Mechanisms of Narcissism

Family of Origin Experiences of Narcissism

Variable Presentations of Narcissism

Specific Symptoms of Narcissism

Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

Preoccupation with Fantasies of Unlimited Success, Power, Brilliance, Beauty, or Love

Belief of Specialness

Need for Excessive Admiration

Sense of Entitlement

Interpersonal Exploitation

Lack of Empathy

Envy

Arrogant and Haughty Behaviors and Attitudes

What to Do if You Are Married to a Narcissist?

Chapter 6: Discovery

Is Your Discovery a Long-Term Process or Immediate Surprise?

Avoiding Self-Blaming or Negative Self-Talk Upon Discovery

Discovery—the Most Painful Time—Remembering to Turn to God in Prayer

A Constellation of Emotional Experiences

Honoring your Personal and Marital Values

Confronting the Straying Spouse

Anger and Defensiveness: Common Emotions of the Straying Spouse

Pain and Helplessness: Common Emotions of the Betrayed Spouse

It’s a Normal Desire to Ask Questions to Understand the Puzzle of the Affair

Experiencing Multiple Losses Simultaneously

Growth from Pain

Seeing Problems as Opportunities

Recognizing that Pain is Temporary

Knowing that God is Present During Troubles

Viktor Frankl’s Concentration Camp Experience

To Stay or Go?

Questions to Consider When Deciding to Reconcile or Divorce

Chapter 7: Disclosure

Speaking Aloud: Processing Your Partner’s Affair is a Must

Silence Suggests Secrets

Silence Enables the Straying Spouse

Honesty and Transparency are Healthy Relationship Skills

Pay It Forward

To Whom to Disclose?

Disclosing First to God

Disclosing to Healthy Friends and Family Members

Disclosing to Clergy and Mental Health Professionals

Children: To Tell or Not to Tell?

How Friends and Family Can Help

Caveats for Disclosure of Infidelity

Guidelines for Disclosure of Infidelity

Chapter 8: The Affair Partner

Characteristics of the Affair Partner

Are Affairs Accidental or Purposeful?

Retaliatory or Revenge Affairs

Compensation for Individual Differences

Exit Affairs

Supplementation to the Marriage

Reconnection with Former Lovers

Areas for Further Research

Different Race of the Affair Partner

Chapter 9: Vulnerability Factors

Definition of Vulnerability Factors

Indentifying Vulnerability Factors as an Affair-Prevention Strategy

Communicating about Vulnerability Factors

Developing Strategies to Combat Vulnerability Factors

Adapting to Permanent Vulnerability Factors

Writing Plans to Battle Vulnerability Factors

Statistics for Straying Spouses on Bercht’s Vulnerability Scale

Examples of Vulnerability Factors in One Couple

Job Loss

Temporary Financial Strain Due to Unemployment

Death of a Grandparent

Birth of Twin Babies

Sexual Dysfunction

History of a Parent’s Affair

Low Self-Esteem and Need for Admiration from Others

Penchant for Pornography and Strip Club Attendance

Child’s Medical Problem

Hesitancy to Discuss the Affairs

Classification of Vulnerability Factors: Short-Term, Long-Term, Chronic, and Permanent

Exploring Vulnerability Factors in Detail: One Couple’s Analysis and Plan

Chapter 10: Healing & Nurturing Yourself After Infidelity

Prayer

First Documented Prayer in the Bible: Eve

Second Documented Prayer in the Bible: Cain

Prayer as a Step Toward Healing After Infidelity

Prayers of Petition

Prayers of Petition Defined

Prayers of Petition Are Our Nutrition

The Importance of Each and Every Prayer

Accomplishments of Prayers

Praying Against the A’s

Unanswered Prayer

God’s Will

Intentional Will of God

Circumstantial Will of God

Ultimate Will of God

Free Will

Case Example: Theories for Unanswered Prayers

Our God Who Gives and Takes Away

Christ: The Ultimate Empathizer

Intercessory Prayer

Intercessory Prayer Defined

Advantages of Intercessory Prayer

Intercessory Prayer as a Forerunner of Forgiveness

Counseling

Advantages of Counseling

Choosing the Right Counselor

Medication

Depressive Symptoms as a Result of Infidelity

Anxiety Symptoms as a Result of Infidelity

Do I Need Medication?

Questions to Ask Your Healthcare Provider

Exercise

Advantages of Exercise

Journaling

Definition of Journaling

Types of Journaling

Examples of Journaling Entries

Unstructured Journaling

Semi-Structured Journaling

Support Groups

History of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN)

Advantages of Support Groups

Bibliotherapy

Nurturing Activities

Definition of a Nurturing Activity

Advantages of Nurturing Activities

Jesus Being Nurtured

The Five Senses of Nurturing

Discerning Which Activities Are Nurturing

Chapter 11: Recovery and Affair-Prevention

Reiterating Commitment

Communication

Speaking Openly About the Affair

Counseling

Assessing Vulnerability Factors

Writing Down Vulnerability Factors

Worshipping and Praying Together

Accountability

Establishing an Accountability Plan

Finding an Accountability Partner

Bust the Lust

Screening Your Media Observations

Thinking About Possible Consequences of an Affair

Discussing Attractions to Other Individuals with Your Spouse

Nurturing the Sexual Relationship

Talking Openly About Hurt Feelings or Sexual Insecurities

Making Time to Have Date Nights for Romance

Affair-Prevention in the Workplace

Changes in our Present Work Culture that Impact Infidelity

Goals for the Employee

Establish an Accountability Partner

Lunch in Threes

Refuse to Discuss Personal Problems with Members of the Opposite Sex at the Office

Commit to a No-Flirting Policy in the Office

Goals for the Employer

Discourage Interoffice Dating with Formal Policies

Encourage Mentorship Programs between Senior and Junior Employees for Accountability

Host Affair-Prevention Seminars in the Workplace

Establish a No-Penalty-for-Honesty Policy

Arrange Projects in Threes

Chapter 12: Finding the Silver Lining: The Benefits of Infidelity

Highlights the Conflicts Within an Individual and in the Marriage

Catalyst for Getting Couples into Therapy

Forces Communication Which Can Foster Greater Intimacy

Suffering Can Be Transformed to Hope

Opportunity to Display Forgiveness and Mercy

Ability to Become More Christlike Through Pain and Suffering

Opportunity to Show Good Behavior in Times of Adversity

Appendix A: 100 Nurturing Activities

Appendix B: Vulnerability Factor Worksheet

References

About the Author

AUTHOR’S NOTE

This book is written to benefit several different audiences. First, it is written to provide hope and encouragement to betrayed spouses who have just learned that their mate has been unfaithful. Whether you choose to stay married and reconcile your relationship or divorce and begin a life on your own, this book is for you. Second, it is to appeal to couples who wish to repair and reconcile their marriages after the discovery of infidelity. Third, this is a book for all couples wishing to learn more about the dynamics of infidelity in hopes of preserving and safeguarding their relationships from the shattering pain of affairs. The book educates readers, arming them with the facts about infidelity and defenses against it. Fourth, it is a book for clergy and mental health professionals who desire to help people in crisis and who want to be a part of the healing journey for people who have experienced infidelity.

Statistics show that more men are unfaithful to their wives than women are to their husbands. I have tried to use case examples from both genders, but have probably used more language depicting the betrayed spouse as female to correspond to current statistics. In Chapter 5, I used the pronoun he exclusively because Narcissism is gender specific, with 75 percent of diagnosed individuals being male.

In this book, infidelity is defined as:

"a breach of trust in a committed relationship, whether emotional, sexual, or both."

Although many of the examples in the book will be addressing sexual infidelity, the pain and suffering of emotional infidelity is just as devastating. Many people report that it is not so much the sexual indiscretions that are so painful to tolerate, but the dishonesty and deceit that generate the most feelings of anguish after discovery.

This book is interspersed with scripture that I greatly treasure. The most gratifying part of writing this manuscript for me was researching biblical texts. I hope that reading the scriptural passages are as inspiring for you as they were for me. I do not think people can effectively mature through a time of suffering without God’s divine revelation, so when writing this book, it felt incomplete to leave out what seemed so obvious and imperative: the importance of scripture in providing hope, healing, and growth. If you are not a person of faith or are mad at God for permitting infidelity to occur, you are not alone. When reading this book, I invite you to evaluate all of your options for support, and consider a relationship with God as a source of comfort. So often we find ourselves at odds with God when suffering occurs and it challenges our own sense of entitlement for a happy life for following the rules.

There is not necessarily a recommended way