New You! Who Knew?

By David Edwards

Life is messy. It flashes by as you wonder what your future will be and how to influence it. You struggle to take charge of your life and it’s frustrating. Trying new things never works as well as you hoped. Why isn’t your story as wonderful as those you read about?

You are the focus in New You! Who Knew? Each chapter helps you build the core skills you need for everything else to fall into place. The surprising but enduring foundations encourage you to build a life to be proud of. Without these, many people experience unnecessary frustration and disappointment.

Be the captain of your own life! Follow step by step to learn the fundamentals needed to overcome challenges, accomplish goals and persist when the going gets tough. By making the principles your own, every relationship and effort will improve, guiding you to lead your own way through life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: David Edwards
• Release date: Jul 9, 2022
• ISBN: 9798985087604

David Edwards

David Edwards is is co-editor and co-founder of Media Lens. He is the author of Free To Be Human (1995), The Compassionate Revolution (1998), and co-author, with David Cromwell, of Guardians of Power (2006), Newspeak in the 21st Century (2009), and Propaganda Blitz: How and Why Corporate Media Distort Reality (Pluto, 2018).

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Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

Book Structure – How To Get The Most Out of It

Section 1: Why Self-Efficacy?—The First Half

Why Self-Efficacy?

Chapter 1: Values—Everybody’s Foundation

What Are the Right Values?

Tips

How Do I Discover My Values?

Conclusion

Key Takeaways

Values

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 1 Bonus

Chapter 2: Awareness and Feedback

Affirmations

Feedback

Awareness

Mindful Awareness

Mistakes—Feedback—Discouragement

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 3: Learning

Affirmations

Three Keys

When Can I Stop Learning?

Is Learning Enough?

Biases

Is the Ability to Learn Genetic?

Setbacks—Failures—Obstacles

Strengths

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 4: Intentionality and Setbacks

Affirmations

Part 1—Intent

Growth Mindset

Passion

Part 2—Setbacks

Vision

Change

Am I in Control?

Sample Size of One

New Tasks

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 5: Creating Plans—Setting Goals

Affirmations

What Is a Goal?

Two Types of Goals

Outcome Goals

Process Goals

Confidence and Flow

Overwhelmed by Difficulties

Planning Tips

The Planning Process

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 6: Doing

Affirmations

Flexibility

Swimming through Crap

Big Goals—Small Steps

Write Your Goals—Progress—Feelings

Relationship to Goals

Failure and Perspective

Outside Reality Changes

Reinforcing and Balancing Forces

Perfectionism

Deliberate Practice

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 7: Belief

Affirmations

Belief Is a Critical Frame

Other People’s Experience

Learn Confidence from Smart Failure

Shooting for the Stars

Self-Talk and Stress

Outside Influences

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Section 2: Why Self-Compassion

Chapter 8: Self-Kindness

Affirmations

Self-Kindness and Self-Talk

Mind and Body

Sustain Effort

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 9: Common Humanity

Affirmations

Self-Talk

Empathy

Biases

Human Worth

Strengths and Weaknesses

Comparison Is Hell

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 10: Mindlessness

Affirmations

Mindless or Mindful

Imperfection and Improvement

A Mindful Approach to Difficulty

Mindful Self-Worth

Conclusion

Key Takeaways

PQ4R Sheet

Chapter 11: Balance—Why Both?

A Few Practical Examples to Encourage Your Balanced Progress

PQ4R Sheet

Epilogue

Additional Resources

List of Tools

About the Author

Appendix A—Affirmations

Bonus: Three Levels of Power

Appendix B—PQ4R

Bonus Application of PQ4R

Index

Landmarks

Index

© Copyright 2022 by David R. Edwards

All rights reserved. It is not legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document either by electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited.

This book is dedicated to:

First and always foremost to Linda, my wife of thirty-six years, friend, confidant, and eternal companion.

To all the people who strive to serve, minister, care for, or otherwise look beyond their own needs to graciously help others in small and large ways without a lot of fanfare or recognition. Finally, to you who will read this book and take some small step toward becoming the captain of living your own best life.

Introduction

Happiness comes from the direction of your life,not the destination.

—Earl Nightingale

Congratulations on purchasing this book and taking a small step toward improving your life. The fact that you purchased it is a testament to your intent—something I will share more insights about later. This book is long overdue. I have read terrific books on motivation and self-development, like The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Crucial Conversations, and many more. I have also read a lot of not-so-great books. In my work, I read constantly on finance, marketing, operations, management, leadership, psychology, economics, health care, spirituality, self-development, and other topics. Some writing is better than others. Sometimes the authors rehash a tried-and-true concept, and on rare occasions, they combine old knowledge in novel ways or, even more rare, present something utterly unique (at least to me). In all my reading over thirty-plus years of work, however, something was missing, which I will describe shortly.

Despite leaving me wanting, these books helped shape me and my thinking. Combined with my faith, they helped me become an optimist, be resilient, and seek creative alternatives to difficult challenges. I am grateful that these individuals shared their stories and insights, glimpses, and perspectives on enduring principles. I never met any of the authors, I don’t have any signed copies of their books, and I don’t have any first editions. In this regard, I am ordinary, like the thousands or millions of other people who have read their books.

My purpose with this book is to help people like you develop the core skills necessary to create your own vision of what a great life looks like and help you move toward it. This requires balance, connection to enduring principles, and a core set of skills. Core skills are like the strong roots and trunk of a tree, essential to thriving and being fruitful in an unfair and rapidly changing world.

Most people fall into one of two camps:

Those who don’t have any vision or goals and just go with the flow.

Those who have too much focus on their vision and goals and thus are missing out on life and its unexpected joys.

Either of these perspectives on life is dysfunctional by itself. Each needs balance. By learning core skills and balancing your life between the present and the future, you find yourself an achieving, happy, resilient, sought-after, contributing, and connected member of society. You should have a bit more money than average, better relationships, better well-being, and life satisfaction. Not bad!

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I have worked in health care, mostly serving lower-income individuals and families, since 1983. Having served in vastly different settings in five states, Europe, and Africa, the shared challenges of people everywhere became evident. My colleagues and I recognized the physical, financial, and structural barriers to people achieving their goals and becoming their best selves. It became clear, however, that the greatest barriers were those of the mind. These kept people from engaging, achieving, and moving forward—whatever their outward circumstances. Through reading books, attending graduate school, and collaborating with bright and dedicated people, I realized there was something missing, a universal foundation that I could not identify.

From 2007 through 2018, I primarily focused on creating integration between medical, dental, and behavioral health services. I was dedicated to meeting the whole-person needs of people and creating a system that consistently met those needs. During this time, I learned a great deal more about motivation, systems, and behavioral health. In 2018, I had the epiphany—my Wow! moment—that at the core of any successful effort to change is personal motivation, what psychologists refer to as intrinsic motivation. This kind of motivation can’t come from a rousing speech, someone else’s goals, or any other outside sources. This motivation is personal and comes from the inside of you. It is directly tied to what is important to you.

After further research, I came upon the core elements of personal motivation: self-efficacy and self-esteem. The focus on self-esteem, however, is fraught with challenges. Efforts to influence it often lead to excesses like narcissism and hubris. Tightly related to self-esteem is self-compassion, which science has shown we can influence, with even better positive effect and without the numerous negative by-products of self-worth interventions.

Researchers’ and academics’ estimates vary widely, but all agree that millions of people suffer from low self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-compassion and, as a result, struggle in ways that are common but not necessary. How tragic to suffer needlessly. I want to help reduce your suffering.

Critical!

I further discovered that these concepts, although often seen as set in stone character, were in fact a set of skills that could be learned by anybody, no matter their history, education, age, gender, race, or culture. The concepts are foundational to any personal development, and lacking these skills, people work hard but just don’t get the results they would like. There are enough structural barriers to getting ahead; if I can help you develop a few core skills, the chance of improving your situation increases dramatically despite any structural, cultural, or other types of barriers that are largely out of your immediate control. To hope that you will be lucky enough to beat the odds by winning the lottery or becoming a rap star, actor, professional athlete, or the next Beyoncé is itself not enough to sustain hope and, as I will prove later, the wrong focus for true success.

As you develop these foundational skills, you will

get more things done;

learn from setbacks;

develop greater hope;

be more organized;

feel more connected;

avoid depression and anxiety;

feel more balanced; and

sit squarely in the captain’s chair of your life.

These skills are basic, yet they are not taught in most homes or schools. I could not find any book, let alone one written for regular people, on the topic and all its components. I have read business books on motivation, but they tend to not be balanced and are business focused rather than individual focused. They also fail to cover the core skill sets underlying intrinsic motivation, according to the latest science.

So I started on this journey to gather and organize the ideas of the greatest thinkers, scientists, and researchers and combine them in such a way that you could learn the basic skills. With that foundation, you’re better prepared to realize any desires or goals you might have, even becoming a star. By making these skills your skills, you’re better prepared to learn even more advanced skills, concepts, and principles.

In the process of researching, pondering, and writing, I feel that I have refined skills I had only lightly touched on in the past. I developed new habits, gained perspectives, and honed a strong set of tools with which I am more successful myself and better able to serve others. I am confident that as you go through the book and try some new things, you will have a similar experience.

At some point in reading this book, you will discover an idea, bias, or problem and think to yourself, That’s Joe to a T. He could really use that; I’m going to call him right now. I urge you to restrain yourself. Joe may desperately need that thing, but you telling him that he has a problem and you know how to fix it based on this amazing book is more likely to turn Joe off than to get him excited. Remember, motivation must come from within, which means Joe must find his own, just like you did. What would work better? The next time you see Joe, tell him about this great book you found and how it introduced you to this idea that really has helped you out—and leave it at that. If he is curious at all, he will ask you or will look it up on his own. That’s how motivation works: it must be the right person at the right time so that it wells up within, and you can’t control it, as much as you might like to.

Throughout the book, I will use two common metaphors.

The first is of a tree. The tree starts small, as most all things do in nature, and spends its life overcoming obstacles and setbacks as it serves its purpose. Starting underground, a seed must push its way through the soil, avoid being trampled or eaten, and develop roots and stem quickly so that eventually it can bear fruit. The roots, stem, and top must be balanced to be strong against drought, wind, and storm. Its path of life includes constant, steady growth to its own genetic limitation. I like this metaphor because we are natural, organic, and connected to the environment. The tree, through all the slings and arrows of life, remains constant in doing the best it can, considering its circumstances, as must you.

The second is of a captain. The captain oversees his or her vessel (life). The key difference from a tree is that the captain can move, direct, and change in ways that a tree never could. In this way, it better represents the power and potential of you guiding your life in creative, productive, and resilient ways. While being first mate or even a regular sailor may be great for work, you can’t afford to cede control of your life, direction, and focus. Can you see how critical it is to be the captain of your own life? The principles in this book will help you.

As much as I will talk about goals, balance, achievement, and related topics throughout the book, the quote at the beginning is a wonderful place to end the introduction. This is not a bolted-on set of tools like a cyborg in a movie. The challenge with personal motivation is that you can’t bolt it on; it must come from within. It must be nourished, and you’re the primary one to do that. It is a lifelong journey of development that has no conclusion but many setbacks and victories along the way. As you make the skills part of who you are, you will enjoy greater accomplishment, which will build confidence, self-esteem, and self-compassion. Your greatest joy will come from the process, however, not any single accomplishment. That’s the beauty of the book and of living your own unique best life. You will see the benefits permeate your life, relationships, work, and play until you find yourself in a boundless setting of sublime splendor of your creation.

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A core premise of this book is that where you are today is a fact but not the limit of your personal growth and potential. In 1858, Oliver Wendell Holmes penned the poem The Chambered Nautilus. A nautilus is a small sea creature similar to a snail. As it grows, it sheds its small shell and adopts a larger one that better fits the now-larger nautilus. We are similar, though not with a physical shell. When your life is spent growing, developing, and evolving, your life is one of purpose and passion. You seek and find the things that you’re passionate about and pursue them. You outgrow your old self and develop into a new, larger, higher-capacity person. I share the last few lines of the poem:

Build thee more stately mansions, O my soul,

As the swift seasons roll!

Leave thy low-vaulted past!

Let each new temple, nobler than the last,

Shut thee from heaven with a dome more vast,

Till thou at length are free;

Leaving thine outgrown shell by life’s unresting sea.

Much more than a nautilus, your capacity to grow is limitless. It does not require a pill, surgery, or an all-in effort, just a little bit of belief and consistent effort on your part. If you will allow a tiny bit of hope and plant the seed with me, I know it will grow into a dome more vast.

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P.S.Remember, please, that this is not the final or complete word on any of the principles or tools. It is necessarily brief and only covers the basics, the foundations. As you read and try the exercises, you might need more help to really put the principles into practice and make them the new normal for your life. I urge you to find a more detailed book/video/course on that topic or a counselor or coach who might help you be more successful in that area. You’re so insightful to recognize you need a helping hand. Reward yourself by reaching out and getting the support you need.

Book Structure — How To Get The Most Out of It

This book has an introduction, two main sections, chapters, and skill segments within each chapter. Each chapter introduces a single core principle, has a quote or two to get your thinking going, and provides some sample affirmations and a blank PQ4R (Preview–Questions–Read– Reflect–Recite–Review) form. The skill segments discuss skills that help you incorporate that principle in real life. At the end of each chapter, I provide a summary of the skills and space for notes/inspiration. If you journal, that can also be a great place to note success, failure, insights, progress, and feelings.

Using the PQ4R process is a great starting place to review each chapter, develop your own questions, and start to glean your own insights. Learning is aided when you start with a question, rather than an aimless meander. When you go to the store, you don’t wander around the whole store. You use your list (your goals) to get what you need and stay within budget. The material is designed to provide benefit even with minimal effort. As with anything worthwhile, if you put more effort into it, you will get more out of it. To this end, I share how to apply the PQ4R process to your own benefit in Appendix B; please check it out now.

The affirmations at the beginning of each chapter are samples that help you reinforce the skill segments. I encourage you to use any you think could help or create your own. If you’re not familiar with affirmations and their power to reinforce self-guided change, I have included an easy-to-follow primer in Appendix A.

I encourage you to read the chapters in order because they build on each other. Within each chapter, the skill segments are not usually in any order, so I encourage you to skim or preview each chapter and ask yourself questions to help you grasp the concepts. The PQ4R form will help with that. Some skills will grab you more than others; some will seem more applicable in your situation than others. This is all normal. Each chapter is designed so that you can review it again later and get something else useful, something that you were not ready for before or that didn’t seem relevant. While the principles are timeless, your ability or willingness to engage with them will vary over time. The book has wide margins and space for notes at the end of each chapter so that you can write notes, thoughts, insights, goals, or whatever strikes you. Use the book; it is yours, so make it work for you.

Chapter 1 introduces your values as essential to the rest of the principles/tools discussed. Out of your values, your mission in life and vision of the future will be grounded. Out of your values, you will determine directions, set goals, and accomplish them, and more importantly, you will become the person exemplifying those values, a person of integrity. This is always a great place to start.

Section 1, which comprises six chapters (2–7), deals with self-efficacy, or the exercise of