Shame Regulation Therapy for Families: A Systemic Mirroring Approach

By Uri Weinblatt

This accessible guide introduces systemic mirroring, an innovative approach to understanding and managing the disruptive presence of shame in family therapy. Shame is analyzed in individual and interpersonal contexts, and in two basic problematic states—experiencing too much or too little shame—often found at the root of serious problems between children and their parents. The author offers potent conversation-based strategies for working with children, adolescents, and their families, and for working with parents to resolve their own shame issues so they can improve their relationships with their children. The author also illustrates how shame regulation can improve the bond between client and therapist and produce lasting effects as clients learn to disengage from shame.

 This practical resource:

• Offers an innovative approach to dealing with shame in therapy
• Integrates practical methods for use with children, adolescents, and parents
• Discusses how shame derails interpersonal communication
• Provides interventions for shame management and dealing with the state of shamelessness
• Shows how parents can regulate their own shame at the couple level
• Applies these methods to school settings

Shame Regulation Therapy for Families aides the work of professionals such as psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and school psychologists who work with children and their families on shame management.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Springer
• Release date: May 9, 2018
• ISBN: 9783319774701

Uri Weinblatt

Dr. phil. Uri Weinblatt leitet das Zentrum für Familientherapie »Contactivity« in Israel. Der klinische Psychologe forscht über Scham und ist international anerkannter Spezialist für die Verbesserung von Eltern-Kind-Beziehungen.

Book preview

© Springer International Publishing AG, part of Springer Nature 2018

Uri WeinblattShame Regulation Therapy for Familieshttps://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-77470-1_1

1. Opening Our Eyes

Uri Weinblatt¹  

(1)

Systemic Mirroring Family Therapy Institute, Modi’in, Israel

Uri Weinblatt

Keywords

ShameCollaborationChildrenExpectationsCuriosityBlamingFamily

Shame is the emotion responsible for collaboration between people. In western culture, the first description of shame is found within the story of the first collaborative failure  – Adam’s and Eve’s eating from the forbidden fruit. We usually think of shame as attached to a very specific part of the story: Adam’s and Eve’s realization of being exposed. However, this is only one thread in the fabric of shame revealed by this story. In this chapter, I will use this story to identify the important features associated with shame and the ways in which they play out in relationships and in the therapeutic encounter.

1.1 Expectation s and Standards

The story begins after god has planted a garden in Eden and gives man permission to eat all the fruits of the garden, except the ones that belong to the tree of knowledge. Later, the serpent approaches the woman and suggests that she eat from the fruit of the tree. She initially refuses out of fear:

Woman: "God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die’."

According to evolutionary psychologists, shame in its earliest forms regulated social behavior within groups of early hominids, setting boundaries for individuals who were not adhering to group norms (Fessler 2004). It is the emotion that functioned to balance self-interest and the interest of the group, and it is the feeling one would have when one did not meet group standards (Sedikides and Skowronski 1997; Gilbert 2007).

Wherever there is shame, there are standards that were not respected. Adam and Eve experience shame after they have transgressed God’s standards (eating from the forbidden tree), and while God’s expectation was explicit, it is the many implicit, half-conscious expectations that make us most vulnerable to experiencing shame:

Wife: I don’t know why he has to ruin our Friday dinner every week!

Husband: Ruin! I was the one who cooked everything!

Wife: You did, but you also screamed and yelled and acted like a child!

Husband (to therapist): I cooked the whole day, and when they decided not to eat a thing, I blew up. What would you do have done?

In relationships, whenever we do something for the other, we expect reciprocity . We expect the other to see, recognize, appreciate, or do something in return. If that other person fails to do so, we can experience shame. In this example, the father cooked and expected his wife and children to eat his food (and probably also expected them to enjoy it). When they didn’t – he experienced intense shame that led him to explode.

Shame can be triggered by others not adhering to our expectations, yet it is more commonly triggered as a result of our failure to meet our own standards (Keltner and Buswell 1996; Deonna et al. 2012). Referring to this point, leading shame theorists (Lewis 1971) have emphasized that shame is a result of a discrepancy between what we expect from ourselves (ideal ego) and our actual performance. The higher and more rigid are our expectations – the more vulnerable we become to experiencing shame.

Vulnerability to shame leads often to an aversion to standards and expectations, for any kind of expectation can immediately lead to a strong emotional reaction:

Father (in session with his son): We have simple expectations from our son and he never meets them!

Son: So don’t have any expectations!

Father (to therapist): You see, this is what I was talking about, he only does what he wants to do and doesn’t care about anybody else!

Therapist (to father): I think what your son was trying to tell you is, ‘I don’t want expectations because I am afraid that I will not meet them, and then you will be disappointed with me’.

Therapist (to son): Is that what you meant?

Son: Yes, they are always disappointed with me. I can’t stand it anymore.

People experiencing high levels of shame usually have a history of not meeting their own or others’ expectations. They will develop a fear of disappointing themselves or others, a fear they will deal with by trying to avoid situations in which people have certain hopes for them. In some cases they even purposely fail, fearing that being successful will lead others to have expectations of them:

Therapist: I am really impressed with how you dealt with resolving conflicts with your kids this week.

Mother (suddenly looking anxious): It was nothing.

Therapist (smiling): I am sorry if I now caused you to worry that I will expect you to be like that every week…

Mother (smiling): Yes, I don’t like expectations.

Therapist (smiling): On the other hand, I hope that you are not now planning on deliberately failing…

Mother (smiling): I was just starting to think about that…

I believe that the fear of expectations is what causes certain adolescents (but also younger kids) to react negatively to positive reinforcement. For example, in a recent consultation in a school for kids with behavioral problems, the principal shared with me her new insights on relating with one of her most explosive students. This ten-year-old, who had been making progress in the previous months, would immediately regress after the principal reinforced his good behavior. I learned that I can’t show him any excitement about his improved behavior and grades. It seems that every time I wanted to show my appreciation, he would lose his focus and act out. I learned that I need to let him know that I am aware of his improvement, but not show any further anticipation or expectations. What strengthens the motivation of other students weakens this child’s motivation. A recent study investigating the impact of praise on children supports this principal’s observation – it seems that children with low self-esteem react negatively to being praised in an inflated way (Brummelman et al. 2014); in the study, the kids with low self-esteem that were praised more enthusiastically were the ones who would later avoid dealing with additional difficult