Too Late For Smiling: 1, #1

By Michael White

Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like,too lose everything and everyone only to fine yourself

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael White
• Release date: May 19, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201926878

Michael White

Michael White was a science lecturer before becoming a full-time writer and journalist. He is the author with John Gribbin of the bestselling ‘Stephen Hawking – A Lifetime in Science’. He is a regular contributor to the ‘Sunday Times’, the ‘Observer’,the ‘Daily Telegraph, GQ, Focus’ and ‘New Scientist’.

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Dedicated

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This book is in dedication to all the children in foster care.Your strength gives me inspiration.No matter what the odds may be, promise me you will never give up

Forward

How do you go from having everything? To have nothing at all. How do you go from having the world at your fingertips,only to be standing on some random street corner ,with the only thing left that you have on your back? How do you go from having an apartment,and now you're going from a homeless shelter to the other just to eat?Well if you find yourself asking yourself these and other questions let me tell you how it happened to me.

I wasn't always down on my luck if that's what you want to call it. I had everything that most people wished or only imagine having.I was like most people,going on about my normal day,working and enjoying life,but then it all came crashing down in less than a second.Here is how Life started with me having NO TIME TO CHOOSE.

Copyright © 2022 by Michael White.All

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Chapter One

I Thought I Knew

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I wonder what the morning was like! Were there birds singing? Were clouds in the sky? I wish I’d known if the clouds were in the sky, I wish I might have been there. But then again, I was there. In some form, or another!

I was born on June 17th. 1979. Father’s Day. Not sure what my father thought at the time,or if he even  knew, But there I was. New to the world., New to sounds, New to the world from which I had come. I wondered if my mother wanted me.. Or if she knew she was pregnant with me.

I can’t remember much about that time. Or the place. Or even where the world’s Sat In my existence.I don’t know what my mother was thinking. When she had me and four other of my  siblings. She couldn’t take care of us Nor Did she want to.. Ever since I can remember We struggled, She struggled,Everything about it Was a struggle.

Mom was young., She Didn’t have a mentor nor someone to show her how to be a mother, perhaps even Someone that cared. And the ones that were there, She kept at a distance.  Not sure why that is!!Maybe because she was too embarrassed?.

We went from place to place, Staying in hotels,Motels Wherever we could lay our heads.

Not sure how we ate,changed clothes or took baths, I know money was tight. And Mom had no idea on how to get a job or keep one.

I guess she did the best she could,For what little she had.Not sure if she could depend on anyone for anything at any time.

Life Was hard! Living was hard! Everything about being a child was hard. And then  found myself In the foster care system (A place No child Should ever have to go). But I guess Mom had no choice.

I was a happy child for the most part. At least I thought so. I did what every normal child would do at that age .  ``Growing up, not having a family" You have to learn to Trust and love Even when you don’t know why you’re doing it. Eventually I was moved in With what I thought was a loving Mother and father,But they were older.

Old enough to be someone’s grandparents or great grandparents but these days anyone can be a parent.

When I moved in with them, the doctors that The court’s placed in position, to nurse me back to health, thought it would be in my best interest to stay in foster care long-term because my mother just couldn't do it

They diagnosed me with failure to thrive, I was Undernourished, and mentally Underdeveloped.I couldn’t walk or talk and had to be taught everything That most children my age already knew

"Opening up your home to take in foster children is hard within itself, but to have a child that is understandable on the verge of the death is virtually impossible’

So I had to learn how to walk ,eat,talk and be a normal child ,but to have parents that didn’t have the Patience for themselves, let alone children, made it difficult for me, instead of them caring and being loving parents they were abusive. Well  my foster mother was.

I didn’t know much about my foster father because he was Mysteriously secretive.Despite that He let us be children, Unlike my foster mother. There were times we would come in from a long hard day at school ,takeoff our clothes and place on our play ones ,then  he would give us a piggyback ride on his back for four hours, Other times he would just watch us! not saying a word just watching

He didn’t live much longer past my fourth grade year of school. "I think he had a heart attack or something, but I'm not sure. He died on a Saturday morning leaving me and my sister in a state of confusion as to what death was.

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There were always kids in and out of our house, and always someone to play with. My foster sister came later on in the picture but I didn’t see her as my sister, just another playmate because she wasn’t my sister. My foster parents were named Jessie and Obie Jackson and raised a number of children before me ..

After Obie passed Bea in which that’s what we called her took on a more abusive nature. I can't say if the depression made her do it. Or the fact that her husband was no longer alive. But living there became a nightmare. When I was about 5 or so I remember coming home after school,starting my daily routine,changing from my school clothes to my play clothes,sitting down eating my snack that she had prepared so we wouldn't be hungry until dinner.She became angry over the fact that I had been eating slowly.

Before I knew it she grabbed me by my arm, dragged me in the kitchen, turned on the top burners ,and proceeded to place my hand right on the open flame, I tried my hardest to get away kicking and pulling,as hard as I could but to know avail, in an instant my hand was covered in flames.A rush of Excruciating pain flew up my arm and through my body. A pain I couldn’t explain in a million lifetimes..

I couldn’t believe this was happening,I couldn’t believe it was real, I couldn’t believe that someone who said they loved me could do this to me.

The abuse continued over the next few years,at least until I was old enough to get away or attempt to ,but as I got older, I became reclusive and afraid to trust anyone. I was a loner and hated being around anyone..afraid to be myself and afraid to be with anyone else.

So life went on and so did the abuse.Days became long as the summer! and nights dark as the darkest of nights. Fear is what ruled me and everything around me.Each day felt like the same day with the same ending.. I was a young boy scared of my shadow and bad, like the devil himself.. I ruled the neighborhood with an iron fist and since I was being abused at home Why not abuse someone else.

while I was being beat at home, I rained down the terror onto others even if it meant more beatings for me.

My best friend was Anthony whom I’d met years before while playing outside with the other children from the home I was in..

Anthony was the youngest of all the children in the neighborhood, whose mother sent him to live with his great-grandma for some reason . It didn’t matter to me what the reason was nor was it any of my business to ask.

Anthony was my only friend ,and I could tell him anything at any time and I did. I even wished I could have lived with him and his family, but I knew that would be impossible given the Circumstances. Who would want a bad foster care child?

Having friends made the beatings seem pleasantly normal As far as I can surmise.

I can’t