Julia Morris Makes it EASY

By Julia Morris

Hilariously half-baked life advice from yet another deluded celebrity

Welcome to Julia Morris's immaculately conceived EASY system: a crackpot satire on celebrity self-help culture. Julia will help you figure out the stuff you don't need to do, cut down on the crapola you've decided you don't want to do, make the stuff you absolutely have to do a breeze - and ensure you enjoy the whole lot. Brace yourself for a deluge of slacker life hacks, nice-but-not-very-bright advice and life-changing inspiration on:

• Making It All About You
• Getting Shallow
• The Importance of Always Proving Your Point
• The Joy of Ex-cuses
• Achieving Blind Self-confidence
• How to (Not) Get Shit Done
• Judging Others
• The Power of Negative Thinking
• The Zero Habits of Highly Ineffective People
• How to Say Yes, Then Cancel
• Complaining and Comsplaining

Disclaimer: if you think this book is going to be like other celebrity self-help books, think again

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers Australia
• Release date: May 1, 2021
• ISBN: 9781460713228

Julia Morris

Julia Morris is one of Australia's most accomplished and celebrated performers. Julia has seamlessly moved between the stage and the screen for over 34 years. Julia first appeared on Aussie TV at 17, singing on the talent show New Faces. By the mid-nineties Julia was a household name as a headlining stand-up and actor, with starring roles in comedy sketch favourite Full Frontal, nighttime talk show In Melbourne Tonight and comedy panel show, Beauty and the Beast. Julia also starred in the Melbourne run of the hit Broadway musical 'I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change!' As a stand-up comedian, Julia has featured in every major comedy festival in the world, taking to the stage with Whoopi Goldberg, Richard Pryor and Robin Williams. From Comedy Festival Galas to the Prime Minister's Midwinter Ball, Julia's infectious humour is universally loved. Julia is the co-host of Network Ten's hit reality show I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! with Dr Chris Brown.

Book preview

Part One

What Do You Expect?

Welcome to Part One! You’ve already made it further than I have in a book, ever. I think that’s not only a great testament to your powers of concentration and application, but, even more so, to my incredible writing. Well done us. (Especially me.)

The E in EASY stands for Expect.

Everyone has things they Expect from their lives. From little things, like being able to order fried eggs at a cafe, to big hopes and dreams, like winning an Oscar, we’ve all got Expectations. Admittedly yours will probably be smaller than mine – we can’t all be runners-up in the tiebreaker of New Faces 1985 – but if a huge star like me can’t always get their fried eggs without having to deconstruct the cafe’s entire menu, what chance have you got?

In this first section of our life-changing program, I’m going to explain why all your hopes, dreams and Expectations set you up for misery. You’re never going to tidy that messy drawer or hand-wash that delicate jumper, let alone kick any of your bad habits, write that book, lose that weight, learn a new language or get that guy. He’s out of your league! Hoping that you could possibly ever do any of those things just means you’ll fail over and over again. Anyone who says you can is just trying to sell you a self-help system. So, forget what all the life-development gurus say; you’re never going to change or improve, and the sooner you accept it, the better.

It’s much easier to achieve success and happiness if you make your dreams and goals small. EXPECT NOTHING! I promise you, you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted. Forget the big house with the pool – they’re for people like me. I’m going to teach you how to figure out all your life’s hopes, dreams and Expectations – and then give up on them. Believe me, you’ll be much happier with your chauffeurless life, owning less than 190 pairs of shoes, and dressing for the supermarket shopping without the help of a stylist.

If you’re lucky we’ll get what you Expect right down to a friend’s Netflix login and the occasional bag of corn chips. No worrying about fried eggs for you!

There, doesn’t that feel better?

A WINNER IS A DREAMER WHO NEVER GIVES UP

Bless Nelson Mandela, he always saw the best in people. Unfortunately, in my experience a winner is more often a dreamer with a narcissistic personality disorder.

No Logie

It was a beautiful day in 2015. I was on my way to a luxury family holiday in sunny Far North Queensland. I’d reached my goal weight. I’d just discovered that I had been nominated for two Logie Awards. And I was ready to fucking murder someone.

My dream since childhood has been to win a Logie, the most high-profile of Australia’s TV awards, announced each year on ‘Television’s Night of Nights’. I even wrote an acceptance speech when I was nine, thanking my teddy bears, Baby Alive and Rub-A-Dub Dolly for their ongoing support, and shaming my horrible grade three teacher for being a poo-poo head.

I had been lucky enough over the previous years to get a few (admittedly well-deserved) Logie nominations for my acting work on Aussie drama House Husbands and presenting on reality show I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here!. And even though, for some unfathomable reason, I’d never actually won one yet, I’m sure my childhood self would have been very proud.

This year, my career was ascending new peaks: I was thrilling Australia on two popular television shows and my most recent stand-up tour had completely sold out. My profile was sky-high, and all my industry friends were convinced I was a shoo-in for a nomination for the Gold Logie, the annual award for the most popular person on TV. In case you’re not from Australia, think of winning the Gold Logie as a bit like being sainted or getting a Nobel Prize, only better, because it’s for something more important.

ALL YOU NEED IS CASH

The Beatles famously wrote ‘All You Need Is Love’. That’s all very well if you’re the biggest band in the world and on your every trip to the shops you are assailed by a horde of adoring fans – but try telling any of the runner-up International Emmy Best Supporting Actor nominees that love is all they need as they drown their sorrows in their tenth gimlet at the losers’ after party. The actual truth is ‘All you need is cash’; you’ll be surprised how much love you can buy with a million dollars.

The Logie Awards are a weird thing; it’s a huge badge of honour to even get nominated, but at the same time the categories – especially Gold Logie – have been occasionally manipulated by the various TV networks, who campaign for a particular celebrity they want to support. I had decided that this year was probably my best chance for a Gold Logie nomination and, to be honest, I worried for the credibility and relevance of the Logies as an institution if I wasn’t recognised soon, so it was my duty to help things along a bit.

I had run a full-scale comedy campaign to promote myself during the public voting period. Every few days I’d post another hilarious video to social media, not only making each of my followers’ day, but also reminding them to vote for me. I could imagine how terrible they would feel if the award went the wrong way again, and I didn’t want them to let themselves down. That Gold Logie was going to be mine; 2015 would be The Year of Lady J. I was sure I would be rewarded for all my amazing, incredible work that year and for generally being so wonderful and popular. I’d never been more confident of victory – not even when I’d stood for school captain (which I lost).

BUY THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD

Gandhi suggested that you ‘Be the change you want to see in the world’, but that sounds like an awful lot of effort to me. I prefer to buy the change I want to see in the world, for example, purchasing a flamethrower so I can torch any inspo quotes I come across.

So – back to the plane. It was time for the nominations to be announced, but the ‘fasten your seatbelt’ lights had gone on, so I couldn’t check my phone. Why would any airline organise take-off at such a key moment?

I wanted to relax on the flight, basking in the satisfaction of finally being recognised as the Gold Logie nominee I always knew I’d be, so I told Dan to check his phone instead. He turned his phone back on and said the nominations were up! This was my moment. Dan held off the angry stewardess while he scanned his phone and announced, ‘You’ve been nominated!’

‘I should think so!’ I thought. ‘The legitimacy of the Logies has been saved!’

And as I unclipped my seatbelt to stand and read out the impromptu thank-you speech I had prepared, Dan continued, ‘. . . for acting and presenting!’

Record scratch.

I mean, obviously I’d been nominated for acting and presenting. Duh?! ‘What about Gold?’ I asked.

Dan read through the nominations again while dodging the grabbing hands of the gathering group of furious cabin staff. ‘No Gold. But acting and presenting – that’s great!’

Then there was a surprisingly physical scuffle while Dan had his phone confiscated, but all I heard was my inner voice saying, ‘You have not been nominated for a Gold Logie. You are a complete and utter failure, a national embarrassment and a stain on your family’s good name . . .’

I took it as a personal affront – as if all of Australia actually hated me. I couldn’t believe I’d been suckered into campaigning and looking desperate for the bloody thing. How was this possible? Had Dan misread the list? Had the results been rigged? Did we need a recount? Who was nominated? Had they campaigned?

I sat back down, shaking with fury and humiliation. Once the cabin staff had calmed down and agreed to not throw us off the plane, one of the children leaned over and asked if I was disappointed about not getting nominated for Gold.

‘Disappointed?’ I replied. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t even want a stupid Gold Logie nomination. It’s all rigged anyway. Shut up. I hate you!’

Dan has always said, ‘Let cash be your Logie.’ He means that if I’m gainfully employed then that should be all the public approval I need. But he’s an idiot. I want a Logie to be my Logie. And I’ll have the cash too, please.

I was so livid I couldn’t even enjoy the two nominations that I got. People on the plane around us must have been thinking, ‘She looks a lot happier on TV.’ Thank goodness my recent Botox was iron-on fresh, so nobody could see the scowl lines. It was a great start to a holiday.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Quite right, Donna and Barbra. But it doesn’t stop there. A muff is a muff, a huff is a huff and some fluff is some fluff. So many rhymes, so much wisdom.

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

I was seething for weeks after my in-flight Gold Logie rejection. If it had been Christmas Day 1975, my parents would have taken my nominations away from me there and then, and given me a lecture about how starving kids in third-world nations would be grateful for one Logie nomination, let alone two.

But I learned a lot by not getting nominated for Gold. I learned I should set up a click-farm for next time I needed to win a popular vote. I learned to make sure Dan was more careful when checking his phone once the ‘fasten your seatbelt’ lights were on. And I learned how dangerous Expectations could be.

GIVE YOURSELF SOME WORRY TIME

There are so many things to worry about in life. What if I lose followers? What if I finally start looking over 30? What if I get caught in the latest cancel-culture net? Just make sure you follow ‘worry time’ immediately with ‘drink-to-forget time’ or ‘Valium time’.

An Expectation is the belief or assumption that something will happen. We all have Expectations; we need them in order to function – from the belief that the sun will come up every day or that if you walk into the street without looking you will get hit by a car, to the assumption that your husband will wake you up at 11.45am each day with coffee and a ten-point list of original compliments. Equally, Dan Expects to get hit by my car if the coffee’s the wrong temperature or the compliments include any reference to exercise, weight or other performers.

But not all Expectations are realistic.

Remember when you were ten years old and totally obsessed with ponies? You dreamed of having a pony, making best friends with your pony, winning America’s Got Talent with your pony. Then Christmas morning rolled round and you were sitting around the tree with your family, unwrapping gifts and there was one box that your parents made you save until last. The whole time you were thinking, ‘OMG it’s a pony, it’s a pony, it’s a pony, it’s a pony.’ Then you opened the box and it was a Knitting Nancy.

Looking back, you realise your parents would have had difficulty getting even a small pony into a one-foot-square cardboard box. Plus, by Christmas Day the gift had been sitting under the tree for a week, so a pony might have been a bit smelly by the time you opened it. But they could have at least tried.

That, my friends, is an example of an unrealistic Expectation.

Same goes for when, 40 years later, on your 50th birthday, after all the celebrations had died down, your husband pretended to ‘find’ a tiny package in his pocket and went all exaggerated actor-y saying, ‘Oh! I must have forgotten about this one,’ and you thought, ‘OMG, it’s a pony, it’s a pony, it’s a pony . . .’. (OK, so I have a few pony issues. And yes, I should probably have figured out the whole ‘ponies don’t fit in small boxes’ thing by now. But in my defence it could have been the keys to a stables.)

Part One of the EASY system is all about creating useful and realistic Expectations. This will help you to not only avoid a lot of pony-based disappointment but also set you on the path to making your whole life as much fun as mine, albeit with fewer ponies and Logie nominations.

What are realistic and unrealistic Expectations?

Let’s start by looking at some of the assumptions and beliefs I make about my own life. On any given day I have complete faith that I will: wake up to cloudless blue skies and a midday temperature of 27 degrees Celsius; be addressed in the correct way by any staff or fans I meet (it’s ‘Your Ladyship’, in case you’re wondering); receive a huge goodie bag from whatever celebrity event I’m attending; and witness perfect behaviour from my husband and children.

I believe all these things will happen without fail, and as you can imagine, I am utterly inconsolable with white rage if any of them do not come to pass. That’s because my Expectations are completely realistic. I’m famous, you see, so everything I want is supposed to happen just the way I Expect it to, and if it doesn’t, there will be hell to pay. As a celebrity it’s my job to have great Expectations, and it’s the world’s job to live up to them.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, WHY TRY AGAIN?

Give up immediately.

Let’s take my husband, Dan, as a more-relatable alternative. He also has Expectations. He believes that some people will like him and agree with things he says. He assumes that he can rely on me to take his side in an argument; that he’ll get the occasional Sunday morning snuggle; and that it’s OK to speak to any other women ever and stay in touch with his original family. But Dan’s not famous like me, which means his Expectations are entirely unrealistic.

PRAISE PRIVATELY AND CRITICISE PUBLICLY

Unless you’re with me, in which case, praise publicly and don’t criticise at all.

It’s a pretty obvious distinction, but I’ll spell it out as clearly as I can: most Expectations that celebrities have are realistic, but most Expectations normal people have (aside from the very basics like being able to watch fabulous people like me on TV) are unrealistic.

Unfortunately for the general public, our culture gives us a completely exaggerated version of what to Expect out of life:

Action movies lead us to Expect we’ll always get rescued by Vin Diesel.

In Disney cartoons, the princess can always be brought back to life by the power of true love’s kiss.

Grand gestures fix everything in romantic comedies.

Zac Efron movies make high school look a lot more musical than it ever really was.

But in real life these things couldn’t be farther from the truth:

Eating a chef salad with oil and vinegar on the side and apple pie a la mode in a crowded New York deli will not give you a screaming orgasm (only raspberry bullets can do that).

You are more likely to say to your nearest and dearest, ‘You annoy the living shit out of me,’ than, ‘You complete me.’

If you become a prostitute, you are very unlikely to get swept off your feet by Richard Gere (unless he’s playing a gynaecologist helping you battle your multiple bouts of chlamydia).

EAT A BALANCED DIET

Everyone knows there are three key food groups: meat, cheese and sweets. My tip for balancing these is to place the meat on one side of the plate (because it’s heavier) and then the cheese and sweets on the other side. There! Perfectly balanced! Oh, and remember to avoid fruit and vegetables if possible, as they can make the balancing altogether more tricky, and also cause unnecessary daily trips to the loo.

As a star of stage, screen and the Central Coast Eisteddfod, I am part of the community that bears some responsibility for the unrealistic Expectations that you have. It’s all very well to enjoy the stories of our lives, just don’t believe they will ever come true for you. And please don’t blame us – we celebrities are just the gifted gods who are living out your hopes and dreams for you. Don’t shoot the messengers.

So let’s figure out what you, as a non-celebrity, can reasonably Expect from your life. And in the meantime, whatever you do, don’t run through airport security to tell your girl crush that you love her like the little boy on Love Actually. You’ll probably be mown down in a hail of bullets by the anti-terrorism

Reviews for Julia Morris Makes it EASY

[felicity1smith-1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I had not come across this author before. I think it might have helped if I was familiar. I didn't enjoy the podcast/performance level of different volumes of reading/pacing. I found it quite loud in parts and then had to turn it up for conversation bits. It was a bit complex for me to listen while moving around which is when I listen to my audio books.

I did not like the constant repetition and misuse of language in parts of this. Inventing words is not my thing but I get this might appeal to others.

The ongoing use of acronyms got a bit tiresome for me. I get that lots of people like this and find it funny but this book went overboard. The other irritation for me was the mispronunciation of words for humour was overused.

Not my thing but worth a try I guess.