Little Bit Quirky

By Patricia Huber

Does life ever seem monotonous or mundane? Perhaps the stress level at home or at work makes you want to run and hide.

Well, I have just the solution for you! Escape with me into the world of what some might consider “A Little Bit Quirky”. This book is a compilation of short stories that are out of the ordinary, humorous and full of adventure.

“Going Ghostal” is a story about a physic female mail carrier. People on her route look forward to finding out what good news will be in the mail prior to opening the contents. Interestingly enough, no one ever received bad news. Soon word got out about her special talents. Before she knew it, she was receiving an award from the U.S. Postal Service and wonderful gifts from those on her route. Ah, life was good, until one day… (You didn’t think I’d give away the ending, did you?

In “How I Almost Found My True Love?”, a woman gets a postcard, by mistake, inviting her to a play. She decides to go to the play and ends up finding love and adventure.

“Bimbo Bakery”, “The Day All Cell Phones Died”, and many more stories are here to entertain you. Why not be brave and get “A Little Bit Quirky” with me. We’ll have a good time a lots of laughs together?

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Dec 21, 2018
• ISBN: 9781532018725

Patricia Huber

I am a retired teacher of elementary grades. There’s nothing like the eyes of a small child trying to learn. Now, I spend my time writing. It’s an exciting journey. I live in California and my plant lives with me. Her name is Mona Lisa, taken from a species of orchard. The good thing about a plant, other than its beauty, is that it can’t argue with you. I love quirky people, dogs, books, the swirl of a butterfly and any kind of chocolate.

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Copyright © 2015 Patricia Huber.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5320-1871-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-1872-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017904855

iUniverse rev. date: 03/24/2017

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

TO GOD

THE GREATEST HUMORIST

HOW A LITTLE BIT QUIRKY CAME ABOUT

I   found myself making funny comments while I’m at a perfectly serious meeting. I enjoy giving others a laugh in the middle of something serious. For example I was a workshop where they wanted someone to head a group on the teacher with attitude. Perfect. When it was my turn I pointed my thumb to my chest and said, Me, you talkin’ to me? Everyone laughed and clapped.

I got some more laughs at a Book Faire. I went over to greet a fake Austin Powers. He gave me one look and said, You are a big woman. I put my arm around him and declared, Yes, Austin, but you’ll never reach my height. He thought for a moment then gave me his perfect reply. "And you’ll have to stoop to my level.

The audience enjoyed our teasing. and I learned once that the best way to approach life is through humor. I’ve tried drinking but I only get a hangover. Every cell hurting is not the way to solve things.

I’ve tried getting lost in a man. Pretty soon I get so I don’t know who I am.

Overeating is wonderful but you pay in fat and a stomachache.

Connecting with a loving God is the best answer. Like a little brat I argue with him and don’t listen. But my ears are clearing.

I found these stories I’d written through the years and decided to make them into a book. Friends would say I’d make it big and to go for i

I’m big already, but I hope people will like my writing and get a laugh or two. That would be a grand happiness.

CONTENTS

Why A Doughnut Is Better Than A Man

Bimbo Bakery

Take A Warden To Lunch

I Was A Tabloid Junkie Or You Are What You Eat

Alien Jogger

My Ufo Support Group

I Was A Female Werewolf

Going Ghostal

Purity For Over 150 Years

Male Mix Up Or How I Almost Found My True Love

Unforgettable

A Change Of Twin

A Cheap Man

Slobs In Love

Going Beyond

One Good Dna Cell Deserves Another Or Born To Shop

When Good Things Happen To Bad People

The Day The Cell Phones Died

Trying To Relax

Cuddles The Psychic Dog

WHY A DOUGHNUT IS BETTER THAN A MAN

I   have deep troubles in my relationships with men. I probably wear a sign that says, I’m Jennifer Marino. Say Something Incredibly Insulting to Me.

Maybe I grew up without boundaries and men see this as a chance to prove their testosterone. If I dare to tell them I’m hurt, they accuse me of being too sensitive. Always blame the victim.

It’s possible that I’ll never be able to get along with human men. It might help if I tried to get friendly with aliens. Green has always been my favorite color.

But the one thing I can always relate to is a doughnut. It never fails to give me a sense of peace. It doesn’t talk back or criticize me. If I feel anxious, a doughnut is there to settle my stomach. I don’t have to worry if it will spend the night or commit to marriage. It doesn’t insist on zoning out on TV sports and not paying any attention to me. Nor do I expect it to listen or take out the trash.

When I look back on my life I see how truly wonderful doughnuts have been. When I was six years old a horrible little boy took my doll away from me. Naturally I hit him. Mama made a big scene. He deserved it but I got punished and sent to my room. What Mama didn’t know is that I grabbed a whole box of doughnuts. After about four of them I didn’t care about my doll. It was almost worth the punishment to eat the doughnuts.

Doughnuts got me through the terrible teen years. Mary Jo and I were best friends.

I sure hope Dan asks me to the prom, I’d said.

He likes Suzie. She’s so beautiful, Mary Jo said making me wonder if she really was my best friend.

I guess so but I can hope. He’s looked at me a few times.

When you had that crazy hairdo.

No, he likes me.

Dream on.

Not only was I chicken liver but I was a dreamer who’d never get what she wanted. The prom came and went and I was left alone. But I had a box of doughnuts. Pink ones, chocolate ones, lemon filled ones. So what was the big deal about going to the prom with a handsome hunk?

In college I didn’t have the most exciting dates. A nuclear physicist fell madly in love with me with an emphasis on the madly. He was very weird and always staring off into space. But he liked me. After a few doughnuts he started to look better. After all, nuclear physicists make good money and lots of women can’t talk to their husbands.

The final decision was made once I found out that his family owned a bakery. I became a blushing, innocent bride of eighteen. I really didn’t know what I was in for but I kept lots of doughnuts around.

After the wedding we hurried off to Japan. Ned thought it would be romantic to visit Hiroshima where he could also do some research. I should have known right then and there, but I thought I was in love.

Ned would be away all day and return to our hotel room at night.

Great day, he’d say. I learned a lot.

When are we going to dinner? I’m starved.

I’m not hungry. I’m tired.

He stripped off his clothes down to his skinny body and plopped on the bed. Yes, it was definitely romantic. Now I was left with the real challenge of finding a doughnut in Hiroshima. It ended up being too much for me. I’d just have to wait until our fabulous honeymoon was over.

Things weren’t much better at home. After one boring year and a lot of doughnuts Ned came home with some news.

Jennifer, I’m leaving you. I’ve found another nuclear physicist and we’re in love.

You deserve each other. Go with my blessing. Only I want half of the house and rights to your parents’ bakery.

Take what you want. We have more important things to think about.

Like blowing up the world.

Like stopping it from blowing up.

You’ve very noble.

What will you do?

I’m surprised you asked. I’ll go back to nursing.

You’re a good nurse. You got me well.

It was only an appendectomy.

You were the first thing I saw when I came out of surgery.

You didn’t have your glasses on. No wonder you said I was beautiful.

I still say it with them on.

He had to give me that one nice compliment. I thought I’d get over him easily but any man that thinks I’m beautiful can’t be all bad. Instead of eating only a few doughnuts I went for the whole box of thirteen. Thirteen. He was unlucky all right. Come to think of it the doughnuts were much better. There’d be no more worries about lipstick on the collar. She’d gotten more than the collar. And I hadn’t even known there was another woman until the end. Maybe I’d just remain single. After all, I still had access to his family’s bakery.

I was doing pretty well for awhile until patient #6152 – Damien Whitehead came out of knee surgery. I think what did it was our first conversation.

Good morning, Jennifer, he said. Are you my angel with that blonde hair? I’ll bet it’s natural.

As natural as the bottle it came from.

Yes, I pretended.

I’d like to make a special pastry for you. Angel food cake with luscious cherries and cream in the shape of wings.

Sounds great.

I’m a pastry chef at Andre’s.

I’m impressed.

Something told me that this man could make killer doughnuts.

I want you to come by when I get out of here and I’ll serve it for you.

I’d love it.

I went on about my nursing figuring he was only teasing and would forget all about it. After all, he was still medicated when he said it.

On Wednesday I got an engraved invitation addressed to my angel nurse. I showed up Friday night at Andre’s for my special cake. The waiter was expecting me.

Madame Jennifer, please order whatever you like. It is all taken care of.

Of course I chose the most expensive steak and couldn’t wait for dessert. I was in a very wine induced mellow mood when Damien appeared, white chef hat and all, holding a large plate. Floating on top of it were wings of cake decorated with whipped cream and cherries around the words I Love You.

How could I not want to marry him? He