My Ridiculously Miraculous Divorce: How to Do It Right When It's Right

By The Ridiculous Diva

“When you have done all you can do, put it in the Lord’s hands. He will carry you because he wants you to be happy. A marriage where you are abused and miserable is not in his plan for you. When you are ready to put it into his hands, the way is already paved. We just have to be willing to trust him and run with it. Now I’ll be the first to admit it seems easier squeezing ourselves into an ant hill with a big fat cupcake than letting go. But as my Daddy used to say “just do it” and put it into his hands. And I doubt you’re up for jumping into an ant hill today so gain your strength, say a prayer, a really good one and put it into his hands. It’s time.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Dec 6, 2016
• ISBN: 9781483452111

Book preview

My

Ridiculously Miraculous

Divorce

HOW TO DO IT RIGHT WHEN IT’S RIGHT

THE RIDICULOUS DIVA

Copyright © 2016 The Ridiculous Diva.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-5212-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-5211-1 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 03/14/2017

Table of Contents

Preface

Chapter 1: The fast food mishap

Chapter 2: The perfect fairytale

Chapter 3: Colorado

Chapter 4: Distance

Chapter 5: Yep, she’s crazy

Chapter 6: World war three

Chapter 7: Mona and voices

Chapter 8: Three witnesses

Chapter 9: The final witness

Chapter 10: Date night gone wrong

Chapter 11: The protection order

Chapter 12: The miracle of mediation

Chapter 13: The waiting game; a different kind of hard

Chapter 14: The art of discovering yourself

Chapter 15: A new role

Chapter 16: Deal breakers, damage control, and having it all

Chapter 17: Final chapter

Chapter 18: Ridiculous Diva’s famous banana bread

About the Author

Preface

In this book, I choose to write about the many miracles I witnessed going through one of the hardest trials of my life. Now I’m not perfect by any means and have more flaws than an old wool sweater, but I decided not to focus on those things. I tried, anyway. I’m sure many have their thoughts and opinions about me and about a subject such as divorce. But this is my book and my story, and I couldn’t ignore the feeling that the tender mercies in my story was not just a coincidence but a miracle. It seemed as though the Lord was insistent I write it down so after months of constant promptings day after day, I finally listened. I sat down and wrote. Something I’d never done before and didn’t think I even had the talent to do.

I sincerely hope my experiences and opinions have some validity and bless those who may be facing similar trials in their lives. Hopefully you are quietly content in life and this story is just for mere entertainment value. But things happen. Especially when we least expect it. And knowing that there are others out there that have overcome such trials, can bring a person hope and faith.

I felt obligated to write about the many beautiful things that can come from tragedy if we take the Lord’s hand and let Him lead us through the darkness. If we will hold tight with all our might and keep our faith in Him, then and only then, will we finally see the light at the end of a tunnel that leads to a new, ridiculously happy life.

You just have to decide you want it bad enough.

Chapter 1

The fast food mishap

I decided to take the kids to Arctic Circle for lunch. Andrew could play and get worn out preparatory for an afternoon nap and Madison could get out for a bit before going to afternoon preschool. This would usually give me a few hours to myself to do whatever I wanted. Most of the time, it was sleep. So much for catching up on all those crafty ways to use a pallet ideas on Pinterest.

In my frugal mind, I loved coupons. Discounts, deals, I was the return queen. I had tried and failed the whole coupon craze, but I could never pass up saving $.50 on a corn dog. So when I realized I forgot my coupons in the glove compartment of my Jeep parked outside, I simply had to run out to get them. I had become one of those moms who waits until the last minute to write a check, or leave the line to go get her coupons. Not thinking about the people waiting in line behind me, I ran to retrieve my paper money. Besides, they could wait for me, I was there first and my .50 cent savings was worth their patience… maybe it was .20 cents, I can’t remember…probably .20 cents.

Upon returning, I saw that the older gentleman and his daughter (probably my age) who were waiting behind me, had made their way to the front of the line. I was now standing behind them, annoyed and impatient. After all, I was there first.

Did you order yet? Dad asked his daughter.

No, I’ve been waiting…. she replied, and ever so slightly tilted her head and glared in my direction. He turned to looked at me.

Well then go ahead and order, he said, a little annoyed by her deterrent as well. I could feel my quills coming out.

Now normally this wouldn’t bother me, it shouldn’t bother any normal human being. But as I would soon come to realize, I was no longer normal. And this opportunity would become an award winning event for the craziest freak outs of the average Mom.

Once the duo had finished ordering, they headed back to the indoor playground (or battle ground as I would soon make it). I once again made my way to the cashier to finish up my order. I could feel myself beginning to crack. Keeping my cool in a heated argument at Arctic Circle was on my bucket list, but apparently would never be attained. Like climbing Mount Everest, or winning the Miss Universe Pageant. Nope. Wasn’t happening in this lifetime. Princess Patience had already left the building.

I made my way back to the playground. Finding an empty table right in front of the daddy/daughter duo, I put my purse down and assessed the surroundings. Since Madison and Andrew were busy playing, I had full opportunity to say something and not feel bad because my kids wouldn’t see anything, right? Besides, the duo did me wrong and they needed to know. They needed to know how their existence that day just about broke my world. Little did I know, it was about to not only break my world that day, but my month, too… even my year.

Excuse me, I just wanted to let you know that I heard your little comment and I didn’t appreciate it. It was really rude and it hurt my feelings. So thanks for that. You’re rude. Finger pointed and eyes glaring, I started in as soon as I could make eye contact with the daughter. Lately, I had been very edgy and although I dreamed of giving everyone who offended me a piece of my mind, I usually refrained… until now.

Excuse me? the daughter asked, I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about, she said startled and had a look of innocence on her face.

Yes you do! You were angry I was taking so long in line and I heard your little comment and it was rude! It’s not always about you ok? I started to get annoyed with her ignorance. But I wasn’t about to let her give me an excuse for her attitude, I was in control. This was my confrontation and I wasn’t going to let her get a word in edgewise. I don’t want to talk to you about it anymore, I just wanted you to know. Now leave me alone, I concluded flatly. Trying to wrap things up before anyone could notice and thinking I could get away with putting daughter in her place without any consequence, I quickly sat down and grabbed my phone, trying to look busy. Fat chance.

I’m sorry if you felt I was talking bad about you, but I wasn’t, she said with frustration in her voice. She was not backing down so of course, neither was I.

Yes you were! Don’t play dumb! I know you were annoyed with me but I was in line first and it’s not always about you! But it’s over now, it doesn’t matter ok? So just forget it! I said harshly.

But… she tried and failed.

No, no! Go away! I don’t want to talk to you about it anymore! Just forget it and leave me alone! I started to sound slightly psychotic, even to myself.

I can’t remember if she kept trying to talk to me at this point or not, but I tried to act casual. Trying to snow blow the situation, I kept my head down. Confrontation was something I did every day; I was totally ok with this type of awkwardness. Not! In actuality, I was more afraid of confrontation than I was of being eaten alive by a bear. Confrontation was like pleated pants; avoid at all costs. But in my mind, I had to put daughter in her place and I wanted the last word. It was my duty to let this girl know she had glared at the wrong chick. It was my job, nay, my calling, to set her kind straight once and for all. On behalf of all the underdogs of Utah County, I was standing up to the caddy self-entitled women of the world! I’d bumped into one too many of them in my neck of the woods lately, and she would be the scapegoat for them all! Sorry ladies.

I called to my kids to come to the table. Flustered and completely embarrassed, I tried to act natural. I wanted things to dissipate as I waited for them to eat their healthy lunch of discounted corn dogs and fries. I could feel my heart racing. I looked at my hands; they were shaking. My adrenaline was in full effect. So much for keeping my cool while putting a stranger in their place, I had just entered crazy town.

Moments later….

Really? Really!? shouts a mother figure that comes out of nowhere. I hadn’t even noticed that mom had accompanied dad, daughter and their grandkids to the Circle that day. Daughter must have gone back up to the front to tell mom what had happened and she found it was her duty to defend her daughter and put me in my place.

Oh, no way, Grandma! I wasn’t having that! Leslie from 15 years ago, Leslie from high school, now found her way through my brain and threw off the gloves. It was on.

Oh wow! Do you even know what happened? No! You don’t! So back off! Your daughter was being impatient and rude! I started to raise my voice loud enough so everyone could see they had a mother in their midst who had just jumped off the deep end, swam out ten yards and started sinking, and they all had front row seats to the main attraction. Get your corndogs ready! The show’s about to begin!

I’m pretty sure mom and daughter were both saying something to me at this point but I couldn’t really remember much after grandma hit the screen. Things became a blur. All I could comprehend at that moment, was that I was freaking out on three innocent victims at the indoor playground at the local fast food joint. Madison and Andrew, who were happily eating their lunch, suddenly stopped and looked up at me with wide eyes. They could see that mommy had completely lost it.

Is everything ok? an employee asked walking up with a tray, attempting to assess the situation. She was followed by what looked like a manager. It seemed as though my little confrontation was loud enough that almost everyone in the playground and several in the restaurant could see that there was a problem.

No, it’s not! I guess I need to leave right now! I shouted, grabbing my food and preparing my purse, I threw Andrew into my arms, reached for Madison’s hand and tried to make my way to the back door as fast as I could.

"Obviously, ONE of us has to leave, so I guess it’s going to be me!" I couldn’t seem to find the off switch on my mouth.

Finally, the dad who’d been silent the entire time, chirped in and gave his two cents.

Can we just get our food and get out of here so we don’t have to deal with this woman?! he asked the cashier. Extremely annoyed and done with the rant from the crazy lady, Dad had put his foot down. I mean really, had such an event ever occurred within the city limits of Alpine? Probably not, I was quite possibly the first.

Oh yes! Let’s play the victim! It’s not your fault! It’s never been your fault! I shouted, as my face began to turn different hues of pink and possibly purple. "It’s someone else’s fault! Always someone else’s fault! Typical Utah County! Never mind taking responsibility for your actions, you MUST be from Utah! Well done! Well done you people, I’m leaving! No, no, you sit and enjoy your food and never take responsibility! I’m out!" My rant was epic.

I was pretty much psychotic at this point, shouting at everyone and anyone who could hear me. With kids in arms, I darted out the door.

As I loaded up my kids, I fumbled with the seatbelts trying to make them somehow connect. My hands were shaking so bad I could barely lock them into place. I looked over at Madison. She was wide eyed and upset, and in total awe of her crazed mother.

Why did you yell at that lady mom? You can’t do that! Her innocent scolding just about brought me to tears.

Because! She was rude and hurt Mommy’s feelings! I said defensively. Was I seriously trying to defend myself to my 4-year old daughter? Even she could see I had lost all reason that day.

You are so mean mom! You can’t yell at people! You just can’t do that! My daughter’s words rang true. Andrew was fortunately young enough that he didn’t have a clue as to what was happening. He just looked up at me with his big green eyes, binky stuck in his mouth. His light brown curly locks framed his face and made him look so sweet and unaware. It made it hard to even look at him.

And so it was at this point that I realized, something might be wrong with me.

Chapter 2

The perfect fairytale

Two days later, I decided to go to lunch with a friend and entertain her with the story of my crazy incident at Arctic Circle. Now this girl, I love to bits. She is one of the cutest, skinniest, craftiest, funniest, girls I know. The girl with the mostest in my opinion. One on one, this girl could make you laugh and inspire you to knit a chambray quilt all in the same moment… and she intimidated the crude out of me. Girls like her, I had always been too afraid to get close to. They seemed to be everything I wanted to be, but no one I’d ever aspire to become. Spending time with her initially made me very nervous, but I grew to a point where I could be myself with her. Mostly because she’d laugh at my jokes and compliment my hair. I was sure she’d find my lunch encounter quite entertaining to say the least.

I painted my vivid picture of the little incident, hand gestures and all, at a restaurant just a block away from where the tragedy took place. Lacy looked at me and then mentioned one little, but very critical detail.

Leslie, I think the lady you’re talking about is right over there. She’s been staring at you ever since she got here, and now her friends are all looking at us right now! Lacy was trying to look subtle, as to not draw any more attention to our table.

I slowly turned sideways and glanced to my right. Yep, there she was. This seemed to be the Lord’s way of seriously putting me in my place! The daughter had also decided to go to lunch that day and tell at least seven of her friends about the crazy mother who’d lost it on her earlier that week. Lovely.

What were the odds?! This was totally unfair! Not only did I make a complete jerk of myself, but I couldn’t even retell the story of the brawl without the victim sitting 10 feet away two days later! Really?! I decided I was never going out to lunch in Alpine for as long as I lived.

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I can’t quite pin point when my life began to turn to mud. It was a slow, subtle downward spiral. I can however remember when things were much worse than my normal brain capacity could handle.

See, my marriage from day one was very different from when I was actually dating my then boyfriend. I’m pretty sure all the red flags were there; I just chose to ignore them. When I met Dane, I was desperate to fall in love, get married, and be loved by someone of the opposite sex. So when a hunk of a man with sea foam green eyes caught my eye and seemed to be attracted to me, I was caught-hook line and sinker. Done deal. He was so charming, so sweet, so respectful, so incredibly driven. Sheer perfection! I knew we were going to have an amazing marriage because it was love at first sight. Just like in the fairy tales…and the story of how we met, couldn’t have been more of a fairytale.

Then we got home from the honeymoon and my Mr. Perfect took off the mask. He was no longer the