Wish To Live Part 2: wish to live, #2

By Avishai levy

This is a story, written from the heart of an anxious father, reaching deep into the hearts of the readers!

This is a story about a fascinating life heard from the voice of an optimistic and tireless father, Avishai Levy.

This is a story about a father telling his family's journey about giving people value in their lives and be thankful for everything they have.

★ MOST OF ALL, THIS IS A TRUE STORY ★

Did you happen to see God on the way?" Ten-year-old Ariel asked, looking into his brown-black eyes at the wind, his lips muttering pleading words.

This is the story of a father (Aviran) in a crazy race against time in order to save the life of his son (Ariel) who is suffering from kidney disease. The book describes the journey past two for 16 years towards achieving kidney healthy for Ariel battling for his life in personal sacrifice, frequent visits to hospitals and meetings with the makers of magic, rabbis hoping to get a signal or give him and his son a little rest.

The book exposes us to storms The emotions that the two go through during the journey, all those days without sleep and without knowing how Ariel will wake up if he wakes up and how precisely out of the terrible pain and endless suffering, grows a fierce and uncompromising love for life.

It is a life story of a father and son in their joint war on death that will eventually reveal to each of us his love for his own life, allowing us to move from a state of grief, pain, and tears, to a state of joy.Did you happen to see God on the way?" Ten-year-old Ariel asked, looking into his brown-black eyes at the wind, his lips muttering pleading words.

A loving and painful father tells with his sensitive pen and in his unique style the story of his son's suffering and struggle with kidney disease over many long and difficult years of despair and hope.
Things that come from a boiled heart, and penetrate a sensitive heart.
"wish to live" part 1, is Avishai Levy's first book, which is a sequel to his second book "Wish to live" part 2

 

 

 

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: NLA bs
• Release date: Feb 2, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201766009

Book preview

Self-Examination

The human being’s way is sequential. Every morning we wake up to a different path that divides into other directions of which no creature has control. The milestones placed on each corner or line of the road hide the continuity of life from the person and don’t give a hint about what is next.

I looked at myself and my family as if I were a fly on the wall. I looked well enough and I tried to write the emotions that were full of drama on a daily basis, caused by having to struggle under the shadow of dialysis and under the shadow of the boy who fought it with such fortitude that a simple person cannot understand.

Do we have an iron will? Does the wish to live vanquish science and vision? Is there a limit to suffering? All those questions that we keep asking ourselves will never have answers.

Through writing, I tried to feel better about myself and to release my chained soul from the harsh, bitter memories, and with each line and paragraph I felt free from the bound and so I could finish writing. And my soul reached freedom here and my head was empty from pain and - suffering.

I could walk around between people free as a bird, and I hoped not to write a third book, because of my decision to cling to life and to pass it over to my family and my descendants to come.

When I recall the events before I began writing, I remember how every day I was afraid of the next, I was afraid of the unknown that waited for me in the next corner and of that which the naively-paved stone road that looks innocent and clear from all load may bring.

And now that I am free from my own torture jail, I know that my words have been engraved on paper forever. They will have a memorial monument printed in fire. And now, after all that time without being able to have peace at night because of the bitter and difficult insomnia I suffered from, I will find the strength to sleep well. Now I will be relieved.

Everything my precious son has been through is written and engraved on a card. The perpetuation of the bitter truth as it is... with a combination of suffering and happiness and joy, love and pleasure, from the moment we learned the system; to know how to accept, to know that life smiles at us with all its might, together with the most terrible suffering ever: the tear of one little child. Everything mixed together in some kind of harmony of fascinating and exciting liveliness without one dull moment or boring day.

And to every one of the members of my family who took more than one task upon themselves, which was difficult and fascinating: well done!!

All the thousand surgeries that cut the fresh, live flesh and left ugly scars, while the stomach inside and the legs and arms were hacked to pieces and would never function as before, all these together with the dialysis, the tubes, the needles, the translations and the robber and tricky bureaucracy, and the medical ego, the fighting for the right to grow up and on straightening the boy feet. The disrespect, the insults and the bad treatment. The unnecessary operations caused as a result of the doctors' mistakes, which almost sent the boy to the abyss from which return is impossible. The missing nurses who were not at fault. We have learned to accept all these together with laughter and weeping. However, at the other side stands the bureaucracy that led you in wrong ways,  stolid, and toyed with the man and squeezed his soul for his right to live and to receive. What you must give you will know for sure, since the system has arms of metal that you can never brake, the institution never gets tired and will chase you forever and will not rest until you are on the bottom. But you must give and pay tax; you will do everything so that they leave you alone, and if you discovered by chance that there is anything that you should get from it, you start a war against the system again, and in the end, when you finally get what is yours, it leaves you with a bitter taste.

In conclusion, I can tell you that we have learned to accept everything with love. Life is a person’s beauty and glory. The need to live exists in all creature and vegetables, but not everyone knows how to live.

I hope that my first book, A Wish to Live and this book will show you the beauty that life offers us, and how fun and easy it is to know how to live and to accept. To live and to be alive, full of joy and kindness, how to handle difficult and routine situations and to taste from the grace that we can reach easily.

But you must know that no matter what you do and how you react, life has its own pace and it will dictate yours, so you will have to follow it; no one has control over this.

Therefore we have to get ourselves together and to learn how to move from grief, pain, and crying into situation of joy, happiness, and resurrection, which is good to our soul.

If I hear about one person that learned from my life and that of my family, and especially from Ariel’s enormous courage, then I will be able to have some peace and I will continue with life and everything it gives us: healing, fun, joy, happiness, and love, without which we could not survive one single lonely day.

Thank you for having and reading this book from me and from my son Avichai,

Avishai Levi.

Autumn, November 1987

Have you seen God on your way, by any chance? asked Ariel, the ten-year-old boy who reached the age of ten, looking at the wind with his brown-black eyes, his lips mumblings a prayer.

Ariel was sitting on his windowsill at the second floor, his chin resting on his palm; his slim, gentle face revealed an amazing beauty that was immersed in a sea of tears.

Back where we started? he asked loud and clear, and let his chin fall.

His thin body was full with edemas that were not filtered out. For the last three months he was struggling with his last–ditch effort to save his new kidney and he followed everybody’s orders: his fathers’ and the healers’.

The insulin pump was stuck underneath his armpit, the needle was set in place and the tube was attached to his buttocks, and the pump injected a new material and protein directly into his body.

I have no doubt that the protein that Ariel lost will penetrate his body immediately, and in that way we will strengthen the transplanted kidney and it will function well, the doctor declared and imbued his words with faith and hope.

Ariel’s normal weight was 30 kilos, and it was now probably 50 kilos. His heavy legs hurt loudly as he tried to descend the stairs towards the living room.

Dad, I can't take it anymore, he whispered with his heavy breathing, and his whistling penetrated Aviran’s veins.

Okay, let's go back to the base, replied Aviran as he bent down and hugged his son warmly, while the visions of the past three months ran in his tired mind.

His full curly hair had changed color to a grayish-white that stood out against the background of his brownish face. The huge amount of his power to heal his son showed on his tough jaws, and only his eyes revealed the exciting thoughts of his heart.

God, he whispered with no voice, I spent all my money, I sold all my property. He rose to his feet, dropped his hand helplessly, and continued to speak to his own self. Three months have passed since Ariel and Avivit returned from Paris, and at every moment of the day I have done everything I could to save the new kidney, what has this boy done wrong in order to deserve that? He paused and stared into the space of the living room as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

Avivit, can you get him ready? We are leaving, he spoke out loud.

I'm coming, too, the mother replied and stood up aggressively, which emphasized her slim figure after losing 5 kilos in Paris from her bone-dry weight. Her green eyes seemed to shut down and became dark, the wrinkles under her eyes shouted the pain she felt, her black-dyed hair highlighted her paleness and her forehead drew colorless veins.

Me too, me too, shouted Orly and Ohad together from their rooms and their faces looked like those of adults.

Orly was 17 years old, and she had become a beautiful young girl. Her figure was slim and graceful. Her long, straight black hair was pulled backwards youthfully.

And Ohad was 15 years old, a real young man. He was 1.70 meters tall and at the height of blooming. He was very athletic, an excellent soccer player. His facial features were gentle and tough at the same time, and his big black eyes looked more mature than they should.

And who is going to watch over the house? Avivit asked as she scolded them and with that she settled the matter.

The moon had not come out and the stars were switched off. Darkness ruled and led the wind toward the mountains.

The way to Jerusalem crossed the valley as the cypresses still salute the boy who fought the darkness with his remaining strength.

Back to the drawing board?  Ariel quivered like a leaf. I have had enough of injections, infusions and operations! He decided in his heart, which searched for an escape. And his eyes started to bear tears and he wiped them immediately with his handkerchief. I don’t want them to see me crying. He tried to strengthen himself and turned his eyes toward the darkness that went by through the straight cypresses.

You will be just fine, the father said as if reading his son’s thoughts.

Sure, it will be okay, what seems to be the problem? They will just remove my kidney, do another surgery, and inject more injections, and then more surgery and another one... I will be just fine. The words slipped out of his mouth like a whisper as he suffered pain, but inside the car they sounded loudly as if he had used a microphone.

Avivit could not stop crying, like a monotonous melody that repeated itself forever. The driver had a lump in his throat that blinded him.

You must be stronger than that, he said to his wife.

"Shaare Zedek Hospital,[*]" he declared as he parked in front of the emergency room.

The doctors at the emergency room knew Ariel from his frequent visits, so upon seeing him they paged the nephrologists; reception was quick and efficient.

Here you are again, the bearded doctor said to his dialysis friend. We will have to connect him to the machine every day until his blood is clean and his body is thin again, and then we will remove the kidney that caused the trouble, he said and waited for Ariel’s response.

And how will you connect me to the dialysis machine? Ariel asked, his voice trembling with fear, and he continued, Through the tube on my neck or through the fistula? While he asked, the doctor checked the pulse. There is no pulse, Ariel added, watching the doctor’s face with a teasing look.

'I'm afraid you are right," replied the doctor.

So what do we do? Avivit asked suddenly as she realized that there was a problem.

For the time being we will have to connect him through the neck, the doctor declared, and before leaving the room he gave instructions to the nurses.

It will be okay. Desperation took control over everything. Gloom celebrated, everybody’s faces and bodies became sad and depressed.

A long, hopeless night was through. As dawn flashed on the Dome of the Rock, the birds replied with their singing to the muezzin's[†] calls from the mosque.

Jerusalem, a city of gold with a heart of stone... the Wall[‡] dropped a white note containing a question: ‘When will Ariel be healthy?' and Aviran smiled gloomily.

I will go there later and put another note. He made up his mind and this made him feel better.

The connection of the tube to the neck went well, dialysis worked.

Look at yourself, you are so good looking, Avivit tried to encourage her son while attempting to straighten her wrinkled dress, which suited her fragile figure. 

The doctor wants to speak to you, good Nurse Naomi entered the room.

My suggestion is to remove Ariel’s original kidneys, the doctor got directly to the point, and his eyes stared into the space.

'Why?" the parents asked together.

The original kidneys have shrunk and they cause Ariel to have a high blood pressure, he continued, hesitating.

Not in a million years, Aviran stated and his head beat rapidly.

Who knows, a miracle can happen and they might become alive again. His mind gave him an explanation, but his lips remained tightly closed.

Okay, but as far as I'm concerned, I informed you that he has high blood pressure, the doctor agreed to defer and added, 'The original kidneys cause a lot of problems. Tomorrow we will remove the transplanted kidney and maybe that will be enough." The bearded doctor looked directly at them and felt sorry for them, and then he turned to his business.

Why did you object to remove his kidneys? They are dead anyway and they only interrupting the healing, Avivit asked, looking full into his face.

There are miracles in the world, he replied with determination and rose to walk toward the room where Ariel was connected to the machine.

The needles continued to penetrate and the little body shrunk again and again. Blood flowed from the saturated body to the artificial kidney, was filtered and cleared, and went back to the body of the boy who was staring at his parents and praying to God for his life and at the same time waited for the miracle which his father promised him would come one day.

Don’t worry; God is with you, Aviran continued to establish facts and to increase his son’s faith.

So where is He? Ariel replied.

Be patient and have faith, the father held his son’s fingers tightly and continued, just keep smiling and laugh about everything, when the time comes everything will be behind you and we will write a book telling your story, Aviran insisted on cheering him up.

Yes, one day I will be a movie actor on the big screen! the boy spoke out with shivering irony.

Stop it, Ariel, the best idea that I can offer you is to believe always. This time it was Avivit who replied; she had just returned from the nurse’s office and had heard the conversation.

Avivit, please go home, get some rest, and come back tomorrow, Aviran persuaded his wife. We have two other children who need their mom, he stated and gave her a reason to see things as they were.

Alright, fine, she said and kissed her son and cried, I will come back tomorrow morning. She rose and left the room without looking back.

The twilight hours penetrated between the shutters and the sun’s last rays created a gloomy, mysterious brightness. Tomorrow was a new day.

Dad, it hurts, I'm in pain, the child whispered and cried.

Aviran, wrapped in a sterile robe and sitting next to his son in the familiar recovery room, fell how his heart rose to his mouth.

The pain will go away Ariel, smile a bit! Aviran tried to cheer him up, but the sight shredded his heart to pieces.

Nurse, my son is in pain.

Yes I know, I will ask for morphine for him, she agreed to the father’s mute request. 

It really hurts, Dad.

Ariel, be strong, you are not a baby anymore... be strong, it will go away, you know how it is, you are already used to it, it's a piece of cake for you, Aviran convinced himself with those words so he could relieve his son’s torture.

The nurse gave him morphine and sleep relieved the suffering soul.

Sleep, my son, sleep, his eyes were half closed and his tears stopped.

The new kidney was removed, the father thought about the three-year-old child who donated it, who had been killed in a car accident.

We will return to the path of dialysis, and we will hang on. He cheered himself up this time

The days enveloped them with love and warmth. And the dialysis routine that included travelling through the saluting cypresses did not heal the pain.

The connection of the tube to the neck and the shoulder perforated his slim body. The winter was harsh and only the snow that painted the mountain white and covered the city in white softened the emotions.

The year 1987 ended and with this came new hopes.

1988

Ariel, where are you? Aviran wondered where the boy was as he hit the balls on the green table.

He is playing hide-and-seek in the room with Ohad, Orly answered from the room

Go get them to play billiard

Okay, okay, she shouted and went to look for them in the front yard, there she found Ariel standing close  to the tree, his voice sounding clear, Mr. Tree, do you have time to play? Orly went around in circles and listened to Ariel speak.

Mr. Tree, I asked you if you have time to play, Ariel repeated his question, and before he received an answer, Ohad jumped on him from the top of the tree, full of pleasure.

No, unlike you, he doesn’t have time; he is busy providing shade all the time, Ohad said and hugged his brother.

Dad is calling you to play billiard, Orly intervened, laughing at their game.

Billiard? Ariel’s eyes sparked and he smiled and started to plan his moves.

His face and his slim body were clean from edemas and fluids.

Wow, I haven’t played in a long time... I will beat them, he continued to talk to himself with confidence. That’s it, I will go back to play and study, and hopefully the next transplant, which will be soon, will bring an end to dialysis and the operations, he decided, and by the time he arrived at the green table he was cheerful.

Dad, look, now I'm taller than the table, and I don't need a chair, he smiled at his father and continued, Take this game seriously, I'm planning on beating you, he said while spreading chalk on the tip of the stick, and he gave his father a warning look: Do not let me win!

I will play fairly and I won't underestimate the game, Aviran promised him.

The winner will invite me to play, Ohad made a remark to remind them that he was there.

The joyful game continued under the cottage columns while the spring plants spread their smell. And the sun started to sink in the West and shined her last rays and patted the green table.

I started to write a book about your story, Aviran told his son during the game.

Can I read it? Ariel asked, his eyes remaining on the ball.

I will read to you each chapter I finish, Aviran replied.

You don’t need to read it for me; I already know what I was going through. Ariel attacked his father and immediately added, I win!  And ball number seven went on its way to the hall.

Well done, Aviran hugged his son and caressed his head. I know that you remember everything, but I might need your help, who knows, maybe I forget to mention something or maybe you would like to add your words, Aviran explained his wishes to Ariel.

I trust you, you will not miss a thing, I remember you with papers all the time, I was dealing with my suffering and you were dealing with your writing, the boy continued hit his father.

I had to write, otherwise I would lose my mind, Aviran tried to save his skin from the boy attack.

Yes, you killed time by writing while I cried and screamed for help, he kept striking.

Ohad, get in the game, it's your turn to lose, Ariel invited his brother and smiled a victor’s smile.

The Writing

The chest hurt, and the shoulder remained in the same position. The pressure on the pen almost tore the paper. The difficult nights went by. It was in that same evening, or maybe at night, he couldn’t recall. He stayed inside and for three days and nights he wrote, smoke, and drank, and the pages turned into a small pile, he almost wrote half a book. Ariel and Avivit were in Paris, and the new kidney had been hurt by the virus.

He felt that the 'evil eye' had won, and all that was left for him to do was to write so he could find relief before he exploded.

You must have a shower and shave, eat and go to work. Orly and Ohad are here, they are also your kids, they see you and they cry, Aviran’s sister, Adina, tried to get him back on the right track.

Dad is going mad, Orly was the one who called Adina. Come quickly, Orly asked of her while crying on the phone

Put yourself together, and don’t fall apart on us now, his big sister reproached him.

Okay, I'm already past the breaking point, he mumbled to himself and tried to figure out from the papers what was the beginning and what was the end. I just have to tie it up and to finish writing the missing parts, he encourage himself.

I hope I won't get stressed out again. He was reassuring himself, but the pressure on the paper was painful.

Leave me alone now, he shouted to Avivit who called him to dinner.

Fine, as you wish, I'm going to work, you can warm yourself the dish, goodbye. She threw the plate on the table and her face revealed her thoughts. He is going mad again, and when he starts writing he disappears.

Her beautiful face was plowed with wrinkles. The lines underneath her eyes grew like mushrooms after the rain. And lines were drawn on her white, smooth forehead which looked like the lines on the heart machine.

God, I look terrible, she was scared by her appearance. I'm not even fourteen, she continues to mock herself.

You must get a facial, Avivit, Doctor Tzvi Ben Moshe stated when she arrived to the clinic. Pain and suffering show all over your face, he continued while he read her body sorrows through the tiny torch that illuminated her green eyes. You are taking everything to your heart in the very worse way, he spoke slowly and gently while each word sounded as if he whispered it.

How can I not? Avivit answered; her tears dried off even before they dropped.

Keep crying, it's good, it will relieve you. You are eating your heart out and it shows on your face, he spoke the words softly and gently.

I have no more tears to cry, she answered.

I know what Ariel has been through and what he is still going through, and what you as his mother are going through. I have accompanied your family since Ariel lost his kidneys, but you and Aviran, and especially you, must be stronger, and Ariel mustn’t see you in your anger and in your pain, he said while folding up the treatment kit, including the flashlight.

It's easy for you to say, Avivit smiled a bitter smile and returned to her work; she worked as his assistant and she answered the phone to book an appointment for a patient.

Ya'ir Aloni

Six hundred pages were being engraved on paper, the folder was loaded.

Everything we have been through is written on those papers, he whispered to himself. I will call Ya'ir Aloni, my friend, he continue to ponder. He writes songs and plays, surely he will know how to guide me. He made up his mind.

Ya'ir, how are you? Aviran asked his friend over the phone.

Everything is okay here, what about you and your family? he replied with a question; he sounded happy to hear from Aviran

I wrote a book.

Did you finish writing it?

Yes, indeed.

Already?

Yes.

That was fast. I'm coming to take it, I must read it. I'm very near you. Ya'ir was excited as always. They served together in the army, and played soccer together, Ya'ir had such an amazing control over the ball, his dribbling and speed made him a multifaceted player.

You have a very unique writing style and the book is written very well. The story is really unbelievable, Ya’ir finished the pages and continued, We must find a publisher that will leave enough money in your hands; this book must be published soon.

Yes, you are right, I have a lot of debts, so maybe the book will help me to be balanced, Aviran replied.

Hopefully, you can receive up to 15% in royalties, Ya'ir informed him and cooled down his enthusiasm.

Is that all?

And that is before taxed, Ya'ir killed his joy totally.

Ariel’s Legs

Gliding between all the publishing companies exhausted his body and his soul. They agree to give 5%, and according to the final calculation after taxes, Aviran would get one single shekel[§] for each book.

The answer of the Income Tax Authority was final.

If we give you an exemption from the tax, we would have to do the same in other cases as well, and we cannot do that; therefore you have to pay the full amount of the tax, with all the sorrow that we may feel for you. They comforted him and encouraged him to find a publisher that would be willing to pay him more than 5%.

You are not a known writer; we pay 15% only to the known writers.

Desperation started to take control, but Aviran decided to continue, and between trips to find a publisher the fight for Ariel also continued.

Look at Ariel’s legs, Aviran asked the senior doctor.

Stand straight and close your legs together while you do, Aviran ordered his son.

Yes, it is a common phenomenon with dialysis children, and it's natural that his legs will be twisted, and also he will not grow taller than 1.40 meters, in the best case he will be close to 1.50, the doctor touched his beard and tried to express his sympathy with the boy’s condition.

What? Aviran shouted and his face changed colors. No one told me that Ariel’s legs would be twisted, he burst out and started to remember Ariel’s friends from the dialysis group: Yankale, who had both legs completely twisted and barely walked, and Udi, whose condition wasn’t better. It’s true, they are small and their legs are also twisted, he pondered.

Dear God, he sat on the chair in the doctor’s office, and only heavy breathing was heard.

Ariel’s situation doesn’t have to be the same, he decided and said it out loud.

You have to understand that your son is sick and need dialysis, and all his system, including growth and bones, does not function normally as that of a healthy person, the doctor tried to explain and to take the wind out of his sails, and to make him accept things the way they were as he should do.

No way, he set against the doctor, my son will have straight legs and his height won't be less than 1.60 meter, I would like to receive a letter that allows Ariel to play soccer in the children’s team, he tried to sound a bit softer.

Out of question, the doctor replied harshly and added, Do you want to drive us all crazy, including your boy? Do you want him to break a bone and then the situation will be worse? You keep risking Ariel with your crazy ideas! The Doctor was furious and looked at Aviran frowningly.

Fine, I don’t need your permission, I will sign him up with the group anyway, Aviran replied and in his mind he started searching for the person in the group that would be willing to take responsibility for Ariel, and said; "I would like something else