The Diary of a Covid-19 Widow (Part 2)

By Tabrina Dixon

This book continues the journey of a middle-aged widow as she learns to navigate life without her beloved husband, who she lost to Covid-19 in 2020. It offers a vulnerable and candid account of grief and includes valuable reflections of her healing process.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tabrina Dixon
• Release date: Apr 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005493455

Tabrina Dixon

Tabrina Dixon is a mother of two young adult children who became a widow in March 2020. Her strong faith in Jehovah God and her biological and spiritual family continue to be essential in helping her rebuild her life. She does volunteer ministry work with her religious organization and is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, writing, and fitness.

Book preview

PROLOGUE

Welcome back to those of you that read Part 1 of my diary! If you haven’t read Part 1 I would highly recommend that you do so before reading this book which picks up in my 6th month as a Covid widow. The first part of my published diary was well received by other Covid widows as well as those who just wanted to better understand what grief and loss can look like during a global pandemic. I heard from several widows that I’d never met who thanked me for sharing my journey with grief.

It brought me to tears when a new widow who’d only lost her husband a couple of weeks prior shared with me that she’d already read Part 1 of my book and that it had helped her tremendously during the first few days after losing her husband and that she planned to read my book again as it gave her hope. It touched my heart when someone reached out to me on my Facebook page, asking for tips on how to support her loved one (a recent widow) during the funeral and beyond. I was also encouraged by feedback from those who haven’t lost a loved one during Covid, but were enlightened by my candid account of my experience and feel more proficient at supporting their family and friends who are grieving.

I kept my promise to myself to consistently record my thoughts and feelings for the entire first year after losing Troy. There were certainly times when I didn’t want to record my pain, but I knew that journaling was an important part of my healing as it provided me with a much needed outlet. With this book, just like the last one, I didn’t go back and read my diary entries until I started to edit the book. I wrote in the moment and when that moment was gone I moved on. This allowed my diary entries to be as raw and authentic as possible.

One significant difference between Part 1 and Part 2 is that this time I knew I was writing a book that I planned to publish. To prevent censoring my thoughts and feelings I told myself, Just write whatever you want and decide later which pieces of yourself you’re comfortable sharing with the world. Surprisingly, as introverted as I am, it turns out that I’m open to sharing quite a lot of myself with the world. Just like with the first book I’m open to sharing some of my deepest thoughts and most painful feelings with the world not because it’s easy to do so, but because I feel it’s important to normalize grief: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

You’ll notice that unlike Part 1 this book doesn’t include reflections and tips after each chapter. I became more reflective in my actual diary entries as the months progressed and I used the same coping skills throughout, so to prevent redundancy I didn’t include reflection and tips after each chapter, but in addition to the reflection in my diary entries you will find further reflection in the epilogue.

As one of Jehovah’s Witnesses my religion is an integral part of my life so you will see references to my faith and my religious activities throughout my book. My religious activities have been vital in my healing, as they regularly provide me with encouragement and support. However, this book is for everyone regardless of religious or spiritual beliefs. I realize that those unfamiliar with my religion may not understand some of the religious aspects that I refer to in my entries, so I would like to provide some context here.

Jehovah’s Witnesses represent hundreds of ethnic and language backgrounds, but we are united by our faith and the common goal of honoring Jehovah (God’s personal name as identified in the Bible -Psalm 83:18). We believe that God is The Creator of all things. As servants of Jehovah we do our best to imitate the example set by the Son of God, Jesus Christ, and are proud to identify ourselves as Christians. We believe that Jehovah, Jesus Christ, and the faithful angels reside in the spirit realm of Heaven, and that a relatively small number of people will be resurrected to life in heaven (Revelation 14:1, 3). Other obedient people can look forward to being blessed with perfect health and everlasting life on a paradise earth (Psalm 37:11, 34). Troy held the hope that if he were to die in this system, that he would be resurrected to that paradise earth. I wholeheartedly believe that I will see Troy again in paradise on earth.

Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that the Kingdom of God is a real government in heaven that will replace human governments and accomplish God’s purpose of a paradise earth (Daniel 2:44; Matthew 6:9, 10). All of Jehovah’s Witnesses regularly spend time helping people learn about God and his Kingdom (our ministry activity).  Because I have made a commitment to full-time ministry activity, I am called a regular Pioneer. I was nervous to make this commitment but Troy encouraged me to do so. He asked me to trust Jehovah and to trust him as my husband and my spiritual head. In 2018 I quit my full-time job, continued to work my private practice part-time and started Pioneering alongside Troy who continued to work full-time in addition to serving as a regular Pioneer.  

Prior to the global pandemic our main forms of ministry were door-to-door and metropolitan witnessing (literature carts). We have paused those forms of witnessing and instead utilize phone calls and letter writing as ways to continue preaching and teaching to those interested in learning more about God.

Jehovah’s Witnesses hold meetings for worship twice each week. At these meetings, which are open to the public, we examine what the Bible says and how we can apply its teachings in our life. We also hold Bible-based faith strengthening assemblies and conventions each year. Once each year we commemorate the death of Jesus Christ, which we refer to as The Memorial (Luke 22:19). Troy died shortly before The Memorial held in 2020, and it was very painful for me to not have him by my side for such a momentous event; and I worried that his death anniversary would closely coincide with The Memorial every year. This year I am relieved that The Memorial will not be commemorated until 4/15/22, which gives me a bit of reprieve after Troy’s second death anniversary on 3/28/22. Over the past 2 years our religious activities have primarily been held virtually in most parts of the world due to the ongoing global pandemic. As such in the book I make reference to my virtual meetings.

As of the day I’m writing this, 5,704,147 people have lost their lives to Covid; so needless to say, Covid has made a lot of widows/widowers. I’m guessing each one of us has a story to tell of how we are surviving, very likely one of the most traumatic events of our life. It has been an absolute honor to be a support and encouragement to those who have lost loved ones during this pandemic and to their family and friends. I hope that sharing my diary provides people with validation, hope, and encouragement.   

CHAPTER 1

Lessons Learned

10/1/2020

Anew month and a new season. It’s already getting cold outside and sadly I had to turn the heat on. I exercised this morning and then worked from home. And I must say it was nice to stay inside all day. I only cried a little bit today as I listened to a song that reminded me of Troy. Per my gardening teacher's instructions, I brought my elephant ear plant inside for the rest of the year. I’m so proud of it, it has gotten so big and pretty! I’ve never had a large indoor plant before, and I’m a little nervous I might kill it but I’m going to do my best to keep it alive and healthy.

10/2/2020

Yesterday was a challenging day as I found myself dealing with yet another peace robber. But today is a new day in which Jehovah has allowed me to see, so no matter what happens today I’m already ahead of the game. I forced myself to go for a brisk walk on this chilly morning even though I knew I’d be cold and I hate being cold. The walk was good for me. It was nice to breathe fresh air, see the sun glistening off the lake, and reflect as I walked. I thought about the scripture Isaiah 54:17 that says: No weapon formed against you will have any success, And you will condemn any tongue that rises up against you in the judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of Jehovah, And their righteousness is from me, declares Jehovah. Those words penetrated my heart and my mind and increased my sense of peace.

 I’m still working on getting back to my routine. Today I went in for my monthly weigh-in. I hadn’t gone since February, which in a way was good because it allowed me the time I needed to lose my grief weight. I’m now back to my goal weight, though I wouldn’t mind losing another 10 lbs. I will continue to focus on eating healthy and exercising to not only look good but to feel good. And speaking of goals I never established a task schedule last month. I thought about it several times and eventually printed out a blank one, but that’s as far as I got. This month I’ll try to fill it out.  My productivity has improved but there are a lot of household chores that still go undone or are delayed for extended periods.  My goal for this month is to increase my productivity.

10/3/2020

I try not to get too ahead of myself but I can’t help but to think about upcoming anniversaries like our engagement and our wedding; and I wonder how I’ll get through them without Troy. I’m trying to brace myself but to be honest I have no idea how to even do that. I felt a slight downward shift in my mood as I thought about all the future anniversaries that will now be mourned instead of celebrated. To prevent me from sinking into a funk today I made efforts to stay busy and to stay positive. First I did ministry via Zoom. Then I prayed, listened to an encouraging Bible-based talk, ran errands with a friend, and binge-watched a show with my daughter. Today wasn’t productive in terms of household chores, but it was productive in terms of using my energy and supports to keep myself afloat instead of sinking into despair. I count today as a win.

10/4/2020

This afternoon I was starting to feel blah. It was cold and rainy outside and I was just laying around thinking about how much I miss Troy. I had a socially distanced outdoor bridal shower to attend but wasn’t feeling up to it. In an attempt to shift my mood, I decided to listen to some Christian songs while I drifted off into my cat nap. The inspirational songs and the nap helped enough for me to attend the bridal shower. As an introvert I find social gatherings challenging. On top of that I hate cold weather, which in my book is anything below 75 degrees and sunny. So, attending this party