The Christlike Approach to Personality Disorders: A Focus on Narcissistic, Borderline, Anti-Social, Histrionic, and Addictive Personality Disorders

By Aaron Hallstrom and Shannon Hallstrom

Millions have suffered from situations involving loved ones with personality disorders such as addiction, parental alienation, divorce, identity disturbances and so much more. This book is a compilation of Christlike coping techniques and approaches to these situations. It focuses on a specific cluster of personality disorders that includes Narcissistic, Borderline, Anti-Social, Histrionic, and Addictive Personality Disorders. We testify that Jesus is the Christ and that He has the power to heal every heart. Through Him we can overcome all things.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781678035402

Book preview

The Christlike Approach

to Personality Disorders

A Focus on Narcissistic, Borderline, Anti-Social, Histrionic, and Addictive Personality Disorders

By: Aaron D. Hallstrom, PhD and Shannon Hallstrom, CFLC

Copyright © 2022 Aaron Hallstrom, PhD and Shannon Hallstrom, CFLC

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the copyright owners or without proper reference citation.

The characters and events in this book are hypothetical and are not meant to resemble any specific real persons.

ISBN: 978-1-6780-3540-2

Chapter 1

Recognizing if Someone You Love has a Personality Disorder

    In a study by Arpit Parmar and Gaurishanker Kaloiya, it was found that between 10 and 14.8% of the general population have a personality disorder (PD). This means that most likely everyone knows someone with a PD.

    There are many published books that can, in fine detail, help one understand the clinical understandings and complexities of PDs. However, the purpose of this chapter is to help you recognize if you or someone you love has a PD or symptoms of a PD by examples of common behaviors. Keep in mind that we, as authors, do not claim to be a substitution for a professional diagnosis.

Cluster B Personality Disorders

    This book focuses on a specific cluster of personality disorders, Cluster B, which are Narcissistic (NPD), Borderline (BPD), Anti-Social (ASPD), and Histrionic (HPD). In addition, we are discussing Addictive Personality Disorder (APD), although APD is not an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), though it has been proposed (and considered to be included) in the DSM. Research has found that between 65 and 90% of patients being treated for addictions have co-occurring personality disorders (Kaloiya, Parmar, 2018). Substance Use Disorder (SUD) is a diagnosis included in the DSM and there are many common personality traits among those with SUD.

    Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by an overinflated sense of self-worth. Someone with NPD will feel entitled to the praise and envy of others. They are commonly jealous when others receive attention that they feel they deserve. They seek out socially important relationships and status. They will often back out of commitments and struggle to maintain deep, personal relationships.

    Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is characterized by feelings of emptiness and abandonment. Someone with BPD will have emotional instability with outbursts and will threaten suicide. They commonly go through many relationships because of the emotional instability and they struggle to grasp their own identity. They utilize guilt trips and manipulation to have others meet their needs.

    Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) is more commonly known as sociopathy. ASPD is characterized by lack of empathy, no consideration for feelings of others, enjoyment of conflict and raising emotions of others, guiltless aggression, methodical manipulation, and the sense of duty and authority to punish those that they feel deserve it.

    Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) is characterized by the co-dependent need for approval by others and the inability to process rejection healthily. Someone with HPD will be consumed with their appearance and base their self-worth on the opinions of others. They will have several intense, clingy relationships and view the relationships as stronger than they are. They will be easily influenced by public opinion and appear to have strong, passionate ideals.

    Addictive Personality Disorder (APD) traits often include the vulnerability of becoming addicted, lack of impulse control, difficulty in emotional regulation, and feelings of degraded self-worth.

    Instead of addressing each individual personality disorder in Cluster B, we will be taking a look at this cluster as a whole. In this book we will be referring to loved ones with Cluster B personality disorders as LOs.

Examples of Common Behaviors

    The following are responses or statements that may be made by a loved one with a personality disorder (LO):

(LO to mother) You don't care about me. No one cares about me! I might as well just die!

(LO to spouse) If you don't stop asking me where I go at night, then we might as well get a divorce! You don't trust me.

(LO to boss) You keep asking me about my productivity numbers every week! I keep telling you that I turned in plenty of sales! The administration team must have lost the applications that I've been working on!

(LO to spouse) How dare you tell me that we should stop eating out so much?! Are you saying that I'm getting fat?! Are you even attracted to me anymore?

(LO to Bishop) I failed to do the assignment that you gave me last week because my wife wouldn't let me. Our marriage is struggling, and I think my wife doesn't understand how important the gospel is to our marriage.

(LO to Friend) I had that money I owed you, but my business partner stole it and made an investment with it. I am in the middle of going to court to prove that that money belongs to you. So, I am doing you a favor, my friend.

(LO to Counselor) How dare you accuse me of an addiction? I only had a couple of beers in the last month. I just drink socially.

    LO’s will have a fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, shifting opinions of themselves, impulsive/self-destructive behaviors, suicidal or self-harm ideations, and could have paranoia. It is common for an LO to have problems with substance abuse, anxiety, depression, binge eating, and/or heavy spending (DSM-V).

Common Symptom 1: Maintaining Control of Their World

    LOs strive to maintain control of their world. Those that do not comply with this maintenance can quickly become the enemy.

Example 1:

    Suzy grew up in a home where she felt undervalued. Her father (LO) would be cynical of her work, whether it was chores around the house, school, or the part-time job that she had. When Suzy got a full-time job and turned eighteen, she talked about moving out and starting her life on her own. When she did, her father would guilt her into believing that she is abandoning the family and that she no longer cares for or loves her family, especially him, her father. He would then tell her that she wouldn't make it in the world just yet and that she isn't smart enough to manage her life by herself. 

     After months of wondering if such things were true, she finally decided to continue with her plan to move out. Her father cordially and lightly threatened that he might as well kill himself because his daughter no longer loved him. When Suzy tried to point out that he was manipulating her and that he treated her poorly, the father quickly shifted blame to the mother or claimed that Suzy was lying about the poor treatment. He begins blaming the stress at work and the relationship he has with her mother that has caused him to act in such a way. He either denies or minimizes his behaviors. Her father also claimed to have changed and that he was a different man. Suzy regrettably stays home another year to appease her father, all the while being told and treated as if she was worthless and valueless. 

      This is a struggle for Suzy to handle because she lost all trust in her father. She cannot tell when her father speaks the truth. Suzy wishes that she could believe her father every time he says that he has changed. She doesn't want to give up on him but feels hopeless. She feels that if she gives up on her father, she will be giving up on solid principles that she believes in—that the Atonement can heal all things, families can be together forever, and charity never faileth. 

     To continue this scenario, the LO father would point out that Suzy is commanded to honor him. This puts Suzy in a horrible position. If she does what she feels is right and goes against her father's wishes, she will be disobeying him and breaking a commandment in his eyes. If she does obey her father, she will be stuck in an emotionally abusive situation.

      Suzy struggles to forgive him for his emotional abuse (degrading, belittling, manipulating, etc.) that takes place almost daily. She starts to lose hope and begins to forget how much love God has for her. 

     Suzy's relationship with her father is the only tangible relationship that she has on this earth to relate to her relationship with her Heavenly Father. Therefore, she begins to question who God is and what place He has in her life. She is unsure if she can trust Heavenly Father's promises because she cannot trust her earthly father's promises. She projects how her father views her worth toward her thoughts of how her Heavenly Father views her value. 

      Suzy begins to feel shame. How is she supposed to forgive him every time he says that he has changed? She feels like she was sent to this Earth to suffer verbal, physical, and emotional abuse endlessly and that Heavenly Father would not deliver her. She feels that her father was constantly granted mercy, but she was constantly being punished, and she doesn't know why.

     If Suzy were to recognize that her father has a personality disorder, she could better prepare herself for the treatment she would receive from him and equip herself with techniques that would help assure her father of her love and keep her agency to choose at the same time.

    Her father is simply struggling to maintain control of his world. He fears change and losing relationships because of the guilt he will have to deal with. If he can keep control of the reality he created for himself, there would be no reason to panic or feel guilty for losing a relationship that he depends on.

Example 2:

    Dan has an employee named Tom (LO) that he hired nine months ago as a marketing specialist. Tom at first seemed very pleasurable, charming, and overall someone that everyone got along with in the office. After the months had gone by, Dan noticed that the sales numbers and percentages were dipping for the quarterly quota. After doing some research, he found that it was his new employee that was not meeting the sales quotas. Dan pulled Tom into his office to discuss further training. Tom deflected any accusations that his numbers were going low. He stated that he has multiple sales applications that he just hadn't turned in yet. Dan informed him of the company policy of having the applications turned in at the end of the month and not at the end of the quarter. Tom acknowledged the slight reprimand and carried on with his work. 

     A month later, Dan received the numbers that were posted and noticed that once again, Tom's numbers were low. Tom was called into Dan's office, where he was questioned about the sales applications. Tom stated that he never said he had extra applications but that he had some sales applications close to closing. Dan became frustrated and pointed out Tom's previous declaration that he gave a month prior. Tom denied ever saying that he had closed sales to turn in, but then shifted blame to the lack of training that he feels he had and began blaming other co-workers and even Dan for not doing their job correctly. Dan dismissed him to go back to work because he was frustrated and decided to put Tom into additional training.

    Tom returned to his office feeling embarrassed and ashamed of his mistakes that he had been making at work. He expressed his disgruntled feelings to neighboring co-workers. He planned to recruit others to his point of view. While Tom felt bad inside for what he was doing, his shame was triggering him to continue his negative behaviors instead of making personal changes towards progression (almost as if Tom was self-sabotaging his chances of turning things around). After about a year of employment, Tom continued to ditch out on accountability for his low numbers and persisted in blaming others (including Dan) for his misfortune. Dan eventually let Tom go due to non-compliance and being unprofessional in his workplace.

     If your LO often blames you for their mistakes and if you regularly question your own sanity because your LO denies making a promise they previously made, then you might be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder. 

    The more an LO can convince others that their story is true, the more that the lie becomes a reality in their own mind. If the lie is true, then they will have no reason to repent or feel guilty for their actions. When the lie is true, they will be able to maintain control of the world they created for themselves.

Common Symptom 2: Reflecting Bad Behaviors Onto Others

    It is common for LOs to reflect their bad behaviors onto others. They do this so that they can justify their actions, connect with others, transfer blame so that they can avoid responsibility for their mistakes, sabotage relationships, or maintain their reputation.

Example 1:

    Potiphar was a captain of the Pharaoh’s bodyguards and the guardian of Joseph, who was sold into Egypt. Potiphar’s wife, day by day, would try to tempt Joseph to be intimate with her. He continued to refuse her.

    One day Joseph found himself alone with her. …she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out. And it came to pass, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand, and was fled forth. That she called unto the men of her house, and spake unto them, saying, See, he hath brought in an Hebrew unto us to mock us; he came in unto me to lie with me, and I cried with a loud voice: And it came to pass, when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled, and got him out, (Genesis 39:12-15).

    She continued to go to great lengths to accuse Joseph of the very thing that she herself was doing. She convinced the other servants and her own husband of the truthfulness of her words. Joseph was the one that went to prison.

    As Potiphar’s wife convinced others that Joseph was in the wrong she was able to escape the consequences of her actions. If Joseph was the bad guy then she was the victim. This is a common attribute for LOs with Cluster B personality disorders.

Example 2:

Amnon, the son of King David, fell in love with his half-sister, Tamar. He faked being sick to put her into a position of helping him to feel better. When she brought him food she had prepared for him, he sent everyone else away. And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon, her brother. And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister, (2 Samual 13:10-11).

    Tamar refused and told him that it would be wrong to behave that way. She suggested that they get married first. Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her, (2 Samual 13:14-17).

    Why do you suppose that Amnon hated his sister, whom he had just forced to be intimate with him? Could it be because he started to feel the guilt of what he had done? He turned and treated Tamar as if she was the one that had wronged him instead of the other way around. By publicly throwing her out and bolting the door, he made it appear to everyone else that she had been inappropriate.

    LOs will manipulate a situation to make it appear that they are the victim and the other is the aggressor or perpetrator. By doing so, they transfer the blame and responsibility of the problem to the other person, releasing themselves from moral obligation.

Example 3:

    Warren Parish was a scribe to the Prophet Joseph Smith. He had been a faithful missionary, and he had a testimony of the Restoration of the gospel. After embezzling over $25,000 from the Kirtland Safety Society (a church banking institution), Warren questioned Joseph’s ability to be inspired by God. Warren led many away from the church and tried to start his own religion that fell apart shortly after. So while Warren was the one that ultimately caused the failure of the banking institution, he blamed and betrayed the Prophet Joseph.

As guilt arises, an LO wants to get rid of that feeling as quickly as possible. When transferring the problem to the person holding them accountable the LO will take care of two birds with one stone. First, they will shove off responsibility to someone else and second, they make the person holding them accountable look like the bad guy. That way the person holding them accountable loses credibility.

Example 4:

    Chuck divorced Jill (LO) because of her drug addiction and refusal to go through a recovery program. She refused to take accountability for her addiction and often blamed Chuck for her need to use drugs. After the divorce, Jill manipulated the children into believing that their father was truly the addict. She would make anonymous calls to the Department of Child Safety claiming that Chuck was neglecting the children and was in the possession of illegal drugs. Chuck got put under investigation, and his children were removed from his home and given to Jill, who was granted primary custody. Chuck had to pay child support.

    LOs will want to blame someone else for their poor choices. They will desperately and aggressively try to convince themselves and others that they are not to blame. They may apologize and confess if it can help them achieve what they need. However, revoking a confession is very common. LOs may also blame you or others for forcing them to admit to something.

    It is also common for an LO to accuse others of things that are not true, only to find out that the LO is the one committing that behavior.

    Jill was desperate to make Chuck the bad guy. He was the one holding her accountable and because she was able to discredit him she no longer had to take accountability for her actions. Her behavior was rewarded with the custody of her children and the satisfaction that her actions received no consequences. She continued with her addiction and alienated her children when they were old enough to hold her accountable for her behaviors.

Example 5:

    Sam (LO), quietly to other co-workers, accused John of looking up pornography at work. He spread rumors around the office and hoped that it got back to their boss. John was completely innocent of the accusation.

    When John was asked to see the boss he felt like the accusation came out of nowhere because there was absolutely no grounds for it. Months later it was discovered that Sam was the one looking up pornography at work.

    Sam is a great example of an LO because most LOs will not come out and falsely accuse you to your face. Also, LOs are not just family members. They may be people that you work with or neighbors or friends. Another reason why Sam is a great example of an LO is because of the addiction element involved. LOs commonly struggle with addiction and will want to keep that secret from people that would hold them accountable. When trying to keep their addiction a secret they will look for a fall guy to take the blame if that secret is ever revealed.

    Many times the accusations will start as gossip and it might take a while before you discover that it is happening. If you were in John’s shoes you may see some signs in the way that people are reacting to you. You might have friends that stop or avoid contact with you without an explanation. You may even have friends that join in on the gossip and continue to spread the rumors that originated with the LO.

    In order for John to recognize that Sam has a pornography addiction he would have to be aware of some of Sam’s behaviors. Sam would most likely be clicking out of his computer whenever others walk by, be overly protective of his computer, passwords and work area, say inappropriate, sexual things about others or overly trying to convince others that he would never be inappropriate with a computer at work.

    Pornography addiction is a process addiction. What that means is, that while pornography does not include any substance abuse, dopamine is released in the brain much like a chemical addiction. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that creates feelings of pleasure. This is attractive to an LO who generally has low self-esteem, feelings of anxiety and depression, mood swings and identity disturbances.

Example 6:

    Julie (LO) accused Sarah of thinking of committing suicide. She told all their friends and Sarah’s family. Sarah had never considered suicide and had to go to great lengths to try to convince her family and friends that she was not depressed in any way. Later it was discovered that Julie had been cutting herself and was considering suicide.

    This is an important example if you have someone who is an LO. Recognizing if your LO is contemplating suicide is crucial. LOs are 20 times more likely to commit suicide than someone without a personality disorder and even more if the LO is involved in substance abuse (Doyle, et al. 2016). They usually don’t come out and admit that they are having suicidal ideations.