The Demons We Hear

By Terrance Hobson

There's a negative voice inside all of us. One that tells us everything bad about ourselves. This negative voice is our insecurities, and this book thoroughly details the common insecurities that many Black men hold. Terrance opens up about his personal demons to explain the devastating effects insecuriti

• Language: English
• Publisher: Terrance Hobson
• Release date: Oct 22, 2021
• ISBN: 9781087988917

Book preview

The Demons We Hear

Insecurities We Face As Black Men

Terrance Hobson

The Future Hobson

To my future children that’re not here but are undoubtedly on my mind, I pray you don’t have to endure the same mental struggles as I. Every word in this passage is for you to escape what I couldn’t. The entity of this book is for you to carry and be proud of. When I’m no longer here, this is my legacy. This is my hurricane. I want you to be as proud of this as I know I will be of you.

This book is in anticipation of you and the great things you will accomplish, in partly, because of what you read here.

Intro

Rumination

Escapism

Self-Image

The Need to Impress

Social Norms

Envy

The Cowardly Lion

Relationships

The Negative Voice

Free Game II

Intro

It’s April 23rd, 2020. We’re in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, and much of America is forcibly quarantined in their homes to protect our self from the virus we’re deathly scared of. My job is now 100% telework, with most of my responsibilities on hold. The world seems to be on pause. All of Netflix has been watched. I’m ashamed to see that little orange check mark on Instagram letting me know I’ve seen everything posted in the last three days. Many of my friends are too focused on controlling their own chaos to check up on each other. Most of the women in my life blocked me from their phones and social media for decisions I made in the recent past. So now for the first time…I’m stuck alone. No more distractions. No more running. I’m forced to be with my own thoughts. I’m forced to look in the mirror and get to know myself. I’m forced to confront the skeletons in my closet. Questions arise. Why do I behave the way I do? Why do I look down on myself on multiple occasions? Why am I where I am now, and not where I want to be?

I’m Terrance Hobson. I’m jealous of those who seem more successful than me. I have bouts of feeling like I’ll never be successful in any endeavor I partake in. I envy people who receive more likes on Instagram than I receive. I tell myself I don’t give a fuck, but I care…a lot. I care about what others think about me. I have a fear of being judged. I view myself through the eyes of others. I let their thoughts of me affect how I feel about myself. I want to fit in. I want to be accepted. I desperately seek outside validation. I’m secretly jealous of my friend’s accomplishments. I think no one likes me. I second guess my appearance; sometimes I feel like I couldn’t get any uglier. I can’t escape memories of the past. I fear backlash from everything I do. I want to be an entrepreneur, but only because that’s what everyone else wants to be. I chase women when I think I should be chasing money instead. I’m sure both are bad, but that’s not what Instagram tells me. I miss women who don’t miss me. I constantly compare myself to others. I feel bad about pursing my passion, because it’s not making me an excess amount of money. I’m supposed to be hustling every day, but I could go a week without inspiration to do anything. All of this reek of anxiety, and being cognizant of my anxiety makes my anxiety that much worse.

These demons in my head are my insecurities--daily thoughts that consume my mind every moment of my life. They’re the proverbial devil over my left shoulder vs. the angel over my right. I know these thoughts represent my worst self, but I’ve been letting them run rampant, controlling every aspect of my living. Isolating myself, because I feel like people can see them as I see them. My insecurities have contributed to the downfall of my life and everything that surrounds it. It took the world almost ending for me to finally sit face-to-face with them.

I know that people of all colors and races have insecurities, but as Black men we usually position ourselves to outsiders (and to ourselves) as having the utmost confidence and self-esteem. This isn’t the worst stereotype to have, but with that carries the heavy burden of actually upholding it. We bear the pressure to be perfect or at the very least appear perfect amongst each other. And if something challenges that self-image of perfection then we break down. And that’s exactly what insecurities do-- break down this perfect image we have of ourselves and give us attributes, often imaginary, of which we feel ashamed. We become people we’re ashamed of being. We are so consumed by our insecurities that it’s the only thing we think about, leaving no mental space for our creativity, dreams, and aspirations. Self-doubts arise and become the only thing we know. We become a prisoner of our negative thoughts, prohibiting us from moving past them. And because we’re ashamed of our demons, we don’t address them. We run from them, hoping by keeping them hidden from ourselves and others they’ll go away. But they don’t.

We are men of pride, and we holster our ego and confidence on that pride. Insecurities challenge that pride. So we hide and suppress those insecurities from the outside world and ourselves. There are ghosts we’re scared to share. Things that plague us and prevent us from growth. They are the skeletons in our closets that keeps us up at night. Why do you behave the way you do? Is it coming from your true self, or is it based out of fear and insecurity? Breaking down and getting rid of our demons is what’s needed for a clear path to achieving our highest potential. You may not know what you want to achieve in life yet, but airing out these insecurities will free up the space needed for you to figure it out.

We won’t reach out for help because we stand together in our pain.

I want to open up and examine my insecurities. Through these writings, I want to make it evident that contrary to what we show, we do have insecurities. While it is okay to have them, insecurities can be confronted and conquered. We desire to be free. We want to approach every endeavor that life has to offer with the utmost confidence. This confidence can only be achieved if we fight back our demons.

This isn’t my first rodeo. I’m in my head a lot, and I know the only way out of it is to express here. So here I am again. My goal is for this to be my last book, because if I’m writing then I’m writing out of pain and mental torture. The one thing that makes this all worth it is if I can absolve you of that torment. In my first book, I was being upfront with you by telling you needed to time to heal those issues. Now I’m telling you to read this in hopes of saving yourself time. Insecurities don’t go away with time, they eat time away. Years have been misspent and wasted listening to everything that my insecurities told me. These are the insecurities that has had a stronghold on my life, things that have prohibited me from living the life I wanted. I want you to not be me. I want you to walk into my closet, see what skeletons are parading around and look for familiar faces. We have to solve these insecurities, by first acknowledging and confronting them. I am just like you--a person navigating through life, and doing everything I can to make the best out of it --something I can’t do with these insecurities dragging behind me. My aim is to help other Black men like myself, because I see shared pain with the ones I share the same skin with. The only thing I ask is that as you read that as read this be honest with yourself as will I.

Inspiration can be found at the base of any great achievement, and music is at the base of everything I create. The content in each chapter was written with a specific song playing. Either it was playing low in the background, or I had it blaring through speakers to help me find the best way to put these words together. So at the end of each chapter, I’m going to list the song(s) that was the grounds for inspiration for what I wrote. As I write this, I’m either living these insecurities or reliving them through storytelling, and these are the songs that aided me through it. Perhaps these same songs could aid you also.

500 Ounces – Westside Gunn ft. Freddie Gibbs and Roc Marcaino

Rumination

The weather is slightly warmer than what I’m comfortable with. Lunch was at Dave & Blakely. I arrive several minutes before Ashley (my ex), per usual. I sit outside with my back facing the direction she would be coming from, so I could be surprised when she approached me. I’m reading a book with my legs crossed to seem sophisticated, a symbol to show how I’ve changed. She finally arrives by plucking the back of my left ear, thinking to myself that’s a sign of her being in a good mood. We walk inside the deli. I order a tuna sandwich; she goes for turkey. At the counter she solemnly reaches for her wallet, but I tell her it’s already paid for. We sit back outside and make small talk, littered with corny jokes to make each other smile. They’re poor attempts to ease up the tension caused from days prior, when I cursed her out via multiple texts.

Aight, enough of the small talk, she says. I then apologize for all the vitriol that was spewed towards her the previous week.

"The way I talked to you before, I was ashamed of. All of my feelings just came out. It was just seeing the guy