Coin Toss: Stories of Suicide

By Atiya N. Robertson

Have you ever asked the question what was going on inside the mind of someone that committed suicide?

This skillfully curated collection of short stories takes readers into the mind of the suicidal teenager, churchgoer, mother and more. They show us the painful reality that suicide knows no colors, genders or religions. It doesn’t care how much money you make. Suicide is a reality for all types of people. These stories, some fictional and some true, show the common thread of pain that resonates through individuals who consider the act of taking their own lives.

Atiya Robertson reveals the story of suicide from the perspective of the victim. She shows readers that when a person gets to the point at which taking their own life is a viable option, the decision can come down to a coin toss--a game of life and death. Every day, many people all over the country and world are choosing to end their lives. This book tells their story.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abbott Press
• Release date: Sep 29, 2023
• ISBN: 9781458223180

Atiya N. Robertson

A loving mother, friend, life coach and author, Atiya Robertson has a vested interest in healing people who are ready to make changes in their lives and face life’s challenges head on. Augmenting her natural life-coaching skills with real-life education and experience, she writes both self-help nonfiction as well as fiction that draws heavily from her observations on life and loss. An accomplished blogger who never leaves home without a pen, Robertson is inclined toward relaying stories that deal with emotional struggles and how to become the person one is meant to be. From her home base in Sacramento California, Robertson is building a reputation as an author, teacher and life coach whose star is on the rise. No stranger to the trials and tribulations that define the lives of modern women, she has come out on top and committed herself to teaching others how to survive and thrive in today’s fast-paced world.

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COIN

TOSS:

STORIES OF SUICIDE

ATIYA N. ROBERTSON

Copyright © 2023 Atiya N. Robertson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Abbott Press

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.abbottpress.com

Phone: [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-4582-2317-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4582-2319-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4582-2318-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023900759

Abbott Press rev. date: 08/21/2023

CONTENTS

DEDICATION:

EPIGRAPH

WHY I CHOSE TO WRITE THE COIN TOSS

THE AROUND THE WAY GIRL

CREATIVITY IS WHAT I LIVE FOR

SHOPAHOLIC PERFECTIONISTS NEED LOVE TOO

99 PROBLEMS BUT A WAY TO DIE AIN’T ONE

SURVIVING SUICIDE

NOT JUST THE HORMONES

CAN’T KEEP STARTING OVER

FAST-FORWARD

AFTER

SUICIDE MAY ACTUALLY BE WHAT SAVES ME

WHEN YOUR FAMILY IS ALL YOU HAVE LEFT: YOU TAKE THEM WITH YOU

THE DEATH OF A SINGLE MOTHER

BEING THE PASTOR DOESN’T MAKE YOU EXEMPT

NEVER SAY IT CAN’T HAPPEN TO YOU

AINT TOO YOUNG TO DIE

DEDICATION:

This book is dedicated to every person that ever believed the lie that the world be better off without you. Your presence on earth a gift from God to the community you live in, wherever life leads you.

If you don’t trust yourself then trust me. Your pain has a purpose and there are tools and people waiting to help you not just survive, but thrive, and I am one of them. For more information, resources, and a few stories that did not make the book…

Check out www.brokenheartblkgirl.com

EPIGRAPH

I Die

I am Afraid of my reality, afraid that it

won't be okay, afraid that no one will come

to soothe or love the hurt away. To

entrusted in the safety of my story to see

reality rip my joy away. Then I

think, "Death is like sleep and boy could

I use a nap" That long goodnight is not as

frightening as the unforgiving morning that

offers you the possibility. The possibility of another

failure or loss today. So from the other

side of suicide, from the mind that

listened to that yearning inside its soul to

give up and give in; from the heart that

became cement and the will to live that

withered away. Beneath the smiles and the

it's going to be okays is my need to be

free, a need that a trip, or a new lover

could never bring me. Even the exhilaration

of my repented salvation dims and at the

core, face to face with my reality. I die.

I wrote this poem at a very low point in my life. I was a young adult in college and I wanted very much to die. The sad part is no one around me believed me or made any valid attempt to give me a reason to love myself. They were full of reasons why I shouldn’t do it to them.

Never forget this:

Suicide is a sane decision by an emotional person.

~ Atiya Robertson

WHY I CHOSE TO WRITE THE COIN TOSS

People often ask me where my characters come from. My answer is always the same. They are the characters in my head that want to be alive on the page. Well, these stories are a little different. These stories are fictional works based upon pieces of truth. These are not personal stories taken from actual experiences in my own life. Rather, these are the stories that were reported on the news and forgotten as quickly as the image faded from the screen. These are the stories that existed behind closed doors, but they still were able to provide the inspiration for profound life changes.

Suicide is taboo. We don’t want to talk about it or embrace it in any way, but it is happening to and within every community, every age group, and every demographic. I saw on the news that an eleven-year-old little girl took her own life. Yet, after a candlelight vigil, nothing more was said or done. I want to give a voice to these 20-second spots on the evening news. Having spent a considerable amount of my life wanting to die and now at a place where I enjoy my life without any life-altering experience, I think I am qualified to give my opinion.

Oprah said something that has changed the way I see things. She said, brace yourself, All Pain Is The Same. OMG, what a loaded statement! Take a minute and think about that. She said this while talking to women in prison for killing their own children. I attempt to live my life free of judgment and harsh opinions of people, but this was a way of relating that inspired me to tell these stories. My uncle once told me, Don’t cry over spilled milk, get a mop and get it up. As you can probably tell by now, I believe in seeking wise counsel. The point is when you are hurting you make bold moves to deal with it. It doesn’t matter what you do the depression, or the fear, propel you past your reasonable thinking. Sometimes you live to fight another day, sometimes you don’t.

When I stopped wanting to die, I started posting on my Facebook page, I DIDN’T DIE! I would celebrate with my post every time something crazy happened to me during the day, or if I felt like I had totally failed my goals. Over time, that truth began to be more important and more real to me than anything I had ever experienced. The hole in my heart, the emptiness, and the depression that plagued my very existence since I was ten years old began to be lifted. I had prayed (which I try to address with these stories), I had tried to rebel, and I had pretended that nothing mattered. Nothing worked. Then I came to the realization that whatever evil wanted me dead had to be destroyed. I finally understood that I have this beautiful gift. I am a storyteller. The evil wanted to rob people of my words and wanted to rob me of the pure happiness that comes from sharing them.

Ultimately, I decided to win this battle that had been raging inside of me. I pray that if you have ever considered suicide, or lost a loved one to this horrible decision, these words help you understand. Understand that logically they know better but emotionally they are too far spent to fight back. Every thought of you and your love is resolved by them believing you are better off without them. Trust me I know that it is impossible to love the feeling of suicide to death. You can’t take it shopping and send it all over the world. It is a battle of the soul, which far outweighs the spirit. It is a lack of feeling that you have any worth and other people can never give you your worth. If you have a loved one struggling with depression and suicide, then please -- Listen! (More accurately, read to yourself aloud and understand the following):

Give them unconditional love. Break the rules to love them, figure out whom they are seeking acceptance from, and talk to that person about their behavior. Respect their need for confidence, trust, honesty, and do what you can to make them feel safe and sane. I have learned that no amount of prayer, counseling, or handholding can truly stop this mental battle. It is a decision, one that I didn’t even think I was capable of making. Even God requires that we choose and so life truly rests in the individual’s decision to live.

We are not bound to anything. I had to learn that even your family is an option in your life. Once I recognized my independence and my purpose, I became free from all the things that had me bound. Now I chose to Live Life Like I Only Have One Chance. I invite you to do the same.

Love Always,

Atiya

THE AROUND THE WAY GIRL

I am a female unlike any other. I am convinced that we are all uniquely and divinely created to be individual, thus the development of the Word. Unfortunately, my faith in my divine