Selected Humor I've Taken (from the internet)

By Andrew Felder and Maria Tariq

Selected Humor I've Taken (from the internet) is a collection of Rated 'N' (for Naughty) jokes - adult humor - sorted by categories including Seniors, Occupations, Politically Incorrect, Children, Medical, Little Johnny, Pets, Blondes and many more. Over 350 pages of (often side

• Language: English
• Publisher: Crest Publications Group
• Release date: Sep 19, 2021
• ISBN: 9781637523261

Book preview

Medical

A picture containing shoji, building, wire Description automatically generated

A Meeting of the Organs

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide which one should be in charge.

I should be in charge, said the brain, because I run all the body’s systems. Without me, nothing would happen.

Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the brain wants, I should be the boss, the feet said.

Because I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be the boss, said the hands.

I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, so I should be the boss, said the eyes.

I should be in charge, said the blood, because I circulate oxygen all over. Without me, you'd all waste away.

I should be in charge, said the stomach, because I process food and give all of you your energy.

And so it went with the heart, the ears, and the lungs and all the other parts and organs of the body. Then the rectum spoke. I should be in charge, said the rectum, because I'm responsible for waste removal.

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story: You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge. You just have to be an asshole.

A Second Opinion

A woman brought a very limp parrot into her veterinarian. She laid her pet gently on the examination table, and the vet took out his stethoscope and placed it on the bird’s chest. After a few seconds, he shook his head sadly and said, I’m sorry to have to tell you…Polly has passed away.

The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing or anything. She might just be in a coma or something. Shouldn’t we get a second opinion?

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, and walked into another room. He returned moments later with a cat, which he put down gently next to the bird. The cat sniffed the body delicately, sat down, looked at the vet with sad eyes, shook its head, meowed, jumped off the table, and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that Polly is dead, too.

The woman was still unwilling to accept that her parrot was dead, so the vet again left the room, this time returning with a Black Labrador. The Lab stood on its hind legs, put its paws on the examination table, and gently sniffed the dead bird from head to tail. He looked up at the vet with sad eyes and barked. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but the Lab thinks Polly is dead, too.

Finally resigned to the diagnosis, the woman thanked the vet and asked how much she owed. He turned to his computer, hit a few keys, and produced an invoice which he handed to the woman.

$250 just to tell me that my bird is dead? she exclaimed.

Well, the vet explained, I would have charged you only $50 for my initial diagnosis, but what with the cat scan and the Lab test….

All Drugs Have a Generic Name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen.

Advil is Ibuprofen.

Penicillin is Amoxycillin.

and so on....

The generic name for Viagra - Mycoxafailin

Circumcised

The little boy at the back of the class was squirming in his chair, not paying much attention. The teacher approached him to find out what the problem was. Quite embarrassed, the boy whispered that he had just been circumcised, and he was quite itchy. The teacher sent him to the principal's office to phone his mother and ask her what to do about it.

After making the phone call he returned to class and sat down. Suddenly, there was a commotion in the back of the room. The boy was sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

What are you doing? the shocked teacher yelled. I thought I told you to call your mother.

I did, came the reply, and my mom told me that if I could stick it out ‘til noon, she'd come and pick me up.

Deformities

Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to accepting, Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she’d suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12-year-old. He said that was okay, because he loved her soooo much.

However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said, l, too, have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis."

Juanita and Mark got married and they couldn’t wait for the honeymoon. Mark whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started teasing, touching, and holding one another.

When Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants, she screamed and ran out of the room. Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, You told me your penis was the size of an infant!

Mark said, Yes, it is - 7 pounds, 3 ounces, 19 inches long.

Dyslexic

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day, complaining about Nurse Mel.

She’s incredibly mixed up, said one doctor. She does everything absolutely backwards. Last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours…and she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He almost died on us!

The second doctor concurred, I know. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours…and she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour. The guy nearly exploded!

Suddenly, they heard a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. Oh, my God! exclaimed the first doctor. I just told Nurse Mel to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!

Everyone Was Startled

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself.

So, he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. They got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor, and the doctor asked him how it went. He said, Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up.

Ex-Lax

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had just about enough and he warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

A man came in coughing and asked John for the best cough syrup. Try as he might, John couldn’t find the cough syrups. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man that a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said right there on the spot, and then walked outside and leaned against the lamppost. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened. He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrups. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. John explained.

Ex-Lax won't cure a cough, Bob shouted angrily.

Sure, it will, John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. Look at him. He’s afraid to cough!

Four Doctors

Four doctors were talking one day. The Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

The German doctor said, That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, Hah! We’re about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

Medical Mix-up

A man went to pick up the test results from his wife's medical examination. The receptionist said, I am sorry, Mr. Smith, but.... there’s been a mix up and we have a bit of a problem.

How big is this bit? asked the man warily.

Well, we sent your wife's samples and the samples from another Mrs. Smith to the same lab on the same day, explained the receptionist, And at this point we’re not sure which test results belong to which woman.

"Suddenly I'm not feeling that well myself', said the man.

Anyway, continued the receptionist, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer’s Disease. The other tested positive for AIDS.

Oh no!, cried the man, 'That's terrible! What do I do now?"

Try to stay calm, said the receptionist, I spoke with the doctor.... He recommends that you drop your wife off somewhere downtown. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.

Help Is on the Way

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began choking. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m a gonna go over there and help her.

He rushed over to the young lady, held both side of her head in his big hands and asked, Kin ya swaller?

Gasping, she shook her head ‘no’.

He asked, Kin ya breathe? Still gasping, she again shook her head ‘no’.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her on the butt. The young lady was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger that had been stuck in her throat and began to breathe normally.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, ‘Ya know, it’s sure amazin’ how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

The Dentist

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, That new upper plate that I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?

The man replied, All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much, now I put it on everything: meat, toast, fish, vegetables… everything.

Well, said the dentist, that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I’ll use chrome.

'Why chrome?" asked the patient.

To which the dentist replied, It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

The Doctor’s Advice

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with terrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him. It will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

She replied, He said you're going to die.

The Penis

Dear Boss,

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends off or public holidays.

I work in a damp environment.

I don't get paid overtime.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep on the job after a brief work period.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas.

You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations.

You're unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed the day's work.

And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

The Two Doctors

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, I've been a little sick to my stomach. The older doctor said, Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?

As they left the younger man said, You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?

I didn't have to examine her. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.

Huh, the younger doctor said, Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. I'm feeling terribly run down lately.

You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church, the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.

As they left, the older doctor said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.

What Were You Thinking?

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply into your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way. Pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill, but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and, smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn, yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty! What were you thinking?

Children

Diagram Description automatically generated

At the Barber Shop

A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. She stood next to the barber’s chair, eating a snack cake while her dad got his haircut.

The Barber smiled at her and said, Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie.

I know, she replied, and I'm going to get tits, too.

Circumcision

Two little kids were in a hospital, sharing a room, lying on separate beds next to each other, talking

What are you here for?

I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.

You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a piece of cake!

What’re you here for?

I’m here for a circumcision.

Whoa!! I had that done when I was born – and I couldn’t walk for a year!

God Bless Daddy

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grandma. And good-bye Grandpa.

The father asked, Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

The little girl said, I don't know, Daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.

The next day Grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father was putting the girl to bed and again he listened to her prayers, which went like this – God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma.

The next day, Grandma died. ‘My gosh,’ thought the father, ‘this