Virtual Insanity

By Lara McKenzie

She felt under surveillance by intelligence agencies. She felt her home was bugged. She felt they had her trapped in the astral field. She felt she was trapped in the astral field by ASIS having astral sex with her. She wanted justice. Was she going mad? Diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2012 at the age of 36, and then with schizoaffective disorder in 2017, Lara's memoir describes the journey of her life and her descent into mental illness along with all she lost, namely her two children. Set in countries across the globe, she describes her journey and relationships and the thoughts she had that she was under surveillance by intelligence agencies and political leaders along with being terrorised by militaries. She describes her depressive episodes and how she tried to commit suicide twice. This is a story about personal heroism, the thoughts and experiences of suffering from schizophrenia and the truth of what she felt happened to her. Through her writing she explains how she recovered and how she is recovered but not cured. For all those who suffer from mental ill-health, for loved ones who have experienced someone with mental ill-health and for those wishing to understand mental illness, this memoir provides the encouragement and impetus that recovery is possible, and a life of quality can be lived, even with schizophrenia.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Jan 31, 2020
• ISBN: 9781528976640

Lara McKenzie

Lara McKenzie is a former management consultant and now works as an analyst. Her first book, a memoir called Virtual Insanity, was published in 2020. She is also the author of a children’s book, Wizard Company, published in 2021. Lara comes from a long line of family members who have served their country in the infantry.

Book preview

Recovery

About the Author

Lara McKenzie, with a BSc in Business, has worked as a management consultant for international companies in different countries throughout her twenties and thirties until she was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2012. This is her first published work, a memoir, and describes her life journey along with her descent into mental illness and her dedication to recovery. Lara lives in Surrey, United Kingdom.

Dedication

For justice.

This book is a short memoir. It reflects the author’s present recollections of experiences over her lifetime. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy and anonymity of individuals, and many events have been compressed, and some dialogue has been recreated.

WITHOUT PREJUDICE

Copyright Information ©

Lara McKenzie (2020)

The right of Lara McKenzie to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781528976602 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781528976619 (Hardback)

ISBN 9781528976640 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2020)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say,

I used everything you gave me.

Emma Bombeck

Prologue

It’s February 2018 and I am very sick.

They are injecting me now. I watch the mental health nurse prepare the Zyprexa (Olanzapine) solution which comes in a bright yellow powder form. She delicately inserts the needle into the saline solution and then inserts it into the yellow powder vile releasing the fluid. Then she swirls the vile around and around making sure all the powder of the drug becomes liquid. I watch her extract 300mg of Zyprexa into the syringe. She asks me to lie on my side as she uses her hand to identify the spot she wants to inject into. Sharp scratch, she says to me, as she inserts the needle into my side and injects the liquid drug. After she has finished, she asks me to wait in reception. I must be monitored for two hours after each injection; Zyprexa can affect one’s blood pressure. So, I sit with a cup of tea, and wait. My injection is every fortnight.

I was first diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2012 at the age of 36, and it’s known as a late-onset diagnosis. It would not be my last diagnosis, and in both Australia and the UK they have kept changing my diagnosis over the years. Finally, in 2017, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder.

Zyprexa has made me put on a lot of weight. Spending most of my adult life at 54kg, I am now 86kg. I have a bulging stomach that makes me feel like I am nine months pregnant. I cannot wear high heels anymore as I feel so unbalanced and shaky. Finding a job and keeping a job seems to me to be becoming impossible.

When I’m sick with my symptoms it’s hard. I find this to be a debilitating illness. My medications do not cure me. They do not stop my anxiety, depression or Schizophrenia. But they greatly lessen the symptoms, but sometimes they continue. The auditory hallucinations that is. Sometimes daily. Nasty voices swimming from the front of my head calling me a delusional cunt, a schizophrenic whore, there will never be any justice, Jewish whore, drink bitch, we control you bitch, ignore (which is said all day long) and, spastic bitch. I also have what I call good voices, ones that tell I am loved. To keep going and to never give up.

In my current delusions and paranoia, I keep telling myself that the voices are coming from a brain machine interface (brain chip) that I believe was installed in my forehead at a Hospital in England by intelligence agencies. I tell my Psychiatrists these deluded thoughts. They calmly talk to me and tell me that it’s a delusion and I have Schizoaffective Disorder. They ask me to use CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) on myself and these delusions.

The psychiatrists will not give me an x-ray and show the x-ray results to me to prove that the brain chip isn’t there; although intelligence agencies would probably make the doctor’s give me x-ray results that are not mine. I feel many in the world have lied to me and I do not know why the doctors protect them. But I know that’s a delusion too. I guess I want an x-ray, so I have the evidence to prove to myself there is nothing there, that no brain chip is there. To CBT myself. It’s so frustrating having a delusion about a brain chip.

As defined in Wikipedia, The word schizophrenia—which translates roughly as ‘splitting of the mind’ and comes from the Greek roots schizein (to split) and phren (mind)—was coined by Eugen Bleuler in 1908 and was intended to describe the separation of function between personality, thinking, memory, and perception.

The more I research and reflect on my mental health disorder the more I realise, along with the research that’s been done, that it’s caused by genetics and environmental factors. Some of the research has shown that it occurs at conception and is a form of spontaneous genetic mutation that further occurs in foetal development. In one study conducted by Doctor Mary-Claire King of the University of Washington in Seattle in 2013, Schizophrenia was found to have genetic spontaneous mutations found in people whose fathers were 33-45 at the time of conception. But my father was 29 when he conceived me, so I don’t fit that profile. What is more interesting, however, is that the study identified ‘fifty-four genes with spontaneous mutations causing damage to the function of the protein they encode in the prefrontal cortex’. Moreover, fifty of these genes are active during foetal development. Suffice to say, the study supports the theory that in part, Schizophrenia results from disruptions in genetic development during the foetal development in the womb and these genetic mutations cause Schizophrenia.¹ These genetic mutations are not the single cause alone. Environmental factors play a significant role.

I have a permanent, enduring and lifelong brain disorder called Schizoaffective Disorder. It is said to been seen in about 0.5% to 0.8% of the population (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition). I have a higher risk profile for developing dementia in later life, which is something I don’t want; lying in a bed not knowing who the hell anybody is. Basically, Schizoaffective Disorder means you can have bi-polar or depressive disorder along with Schizophrenia. I’ve been diagnosed as Schizoaffective, depressive type. I also suffer from substance abuse (namely tobacco and alcohol) or alcoholism although I go to Alcoholics Anonymous to manage my addictions, even though I have gone in and out of AA like a yoyo. Some days it is pure hell to live with this brain disorder. As some of the studies show, this occurred at conception; I was destined for this mental illness. I had no choice. It’s not my fault. I was born with it.

My mental health has cost me a lot. The most significant and painful thing being the loss of my children. In one of my friend’s emails to me she said she understands why everyone hates me. The mental health stigma really does exist. I have not seen my children in four years. I have not Skyped with them in two years. I have not seen a photo of them both in nearly two years. I miss my children dearly.

I want to write this book about my life and journey with this severe brain disorder. I want you to see what it’s like to see the world and the universe through my eyes and to hopefully reduce some of the stigma around mental health. I am not dangerous or scary, just different. I also want to track and write my journey into recovery.

You will read this and think at times, she’s insane. Yes. It will include delusions about spies and intelligence agencies, people who I thought were VIPs, PSYOPs by militaries, and Illuminati Wizards, just to name a few. Moreover, it would create, what I believe to be, a crisis, if what happened went public in Australia, the USA and the UK. Why I became a part of that, let alone the terrorisation of me, is beyond my comprehension. But I have to remind myself, that’s a delusion too.

But that’s been my journey and that makes up part of my story. I will talk of the astral field, astral sex (and astral rape) and spirit projection. Also, I want to talk about my severe delusions. Things like what psychiatrists call phantom pregnancies, the Australian Republican Movement and Star Wars, being projected into a space telescope by what I thought was a space agency, being gang raped in the astral field with body possessions from Illuminati Wizards saying, Is it Lucifer? Moreover, other things like a brain machine interface/ brain chip that I deluded myself into believing was illegally and unlawfully installed in my forehead in the UK, vaginal and abdominal pulling and episodes of suicide; I even emailed the End of Life Clinic in The Netherlands because they have a Euthanasia Act for mental health. There will be some sexual references and sexual talk too.

Psychiatrists refer to my experiences as delusions, hallucinations, voices and paranoia. To me, when I was ill, they were real, and they really happened and that is the difference between me with this brain disorder that I have been diagnosed with and all of you mentally healthy people.

There is a part of me at the moment that wants justice. That wants an explanation. But I have nothing left to obtain justice other than perhaps from governments scrutiny and oversight committees. I can only believe that they want to know the truth and that when their intelligence agencies, military or their allies get out of hand, they need to know. For, they are not provided this information at present. After the International Criminal Court emailed me that they will not take my case, I am resounded to the United States and Australia to uphold my privacy, human rights and self-determination. I believe that people should know if Governments or their agencies get out of hand. Well that’s just my opinion anyway. But here I am in my delusions again. Why intelligence agencies chose me I don’t know, but I would like to know in particular, why they illegally and unlawfully inserted a military grade brain machine interface in my forehead. But, as psychiatrists say, and I have to remind myself, that’s a delusion.

In 2010, whilst I was working for a company in Sydney, a colleague told me in a meeting with him that ‘The only way to justice Lara is to write a book’. I started to learn then that many people knew what was happening to me, and no one would tell me the truth.

But more importantly, to me in 2010, I started to feel that my mental health was deteriorating. That my mind was splitting, and I thought to myself, I may have Schizophrenia. And I felt terrified.

So, to those people who said to me I need justice, here is the book.

This is my story.

---

US Department of Health and Human Services https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/mutated-genes-schizophrenia-map-brain-networks↩︎

Chapter One

The Beginnings

I was born on the 15th of November 1975 in Brisbane, Australia when the jacaranda trees with their purple flowers were in full bloom, covering the footpaths and gardens like a soft blanket. Those trees are one of my most favourite memories of my childhood and somehow it felt special to me that they would be in full bloom in November each year. I was born the fourth child to my parents and have three older brothers. My parents told me I was unexpected. They were about to adopt a little girl, but my mother fell pregnant with me and they didn’t adopt that little girl. I hope she was adopted by a lovely family.

It’s hard to remember back to my early years. I remember living in Melbourne at the age of four and five and visiting an Australian Military base with my mum and brother. We went there to the army barracks where my uncle was serving in the Australian Army. I remember this quite clearly as we went into one of the army tanks and to this day there are photos of that visit.

We moved around a bit from Brisbane to Melbourne and back to Brisbane where at the age of five I started primary school. My holidays were filled with riding my bike down the streets and to the park and going to the Gold Coast and Sunshine Coast to visit my grandparents. I would also go and stay with my grandmother, my dad’s mother, which I loved as she would make the best pikelets in town. Often, I would play in my bedroom in Kitchener Road in Ascot; a house that was painted pink and I felt slightly embarrassed about as we were the only pink house in the neighbourhood. I was a bit of a tomboy as a child as I wore t-shirts, shorts and bare feet. I hated wearing dresses; especially pink ones.

I guess what is significant about all of this is that, when I was six years old, I had my first out-of-body (OBE) experience or what they call soul travel or astral projection. Not that I would understand that this is what I was doing at that age.

At night, I would lie in my bed in Kitchener Road and feel my spirit leave my body; I felt like I was flying down Kitchener Road and around the suburb of Ascot. I was six years old when I started doing this. At times I would do it whilst I was sleeping, and it would wake me up as I would do it spontaneously. To me, I thought I was an angel flying around Brisbane with my spirit.

For those of you who do not understand this, it is called astral projection or astral travel (soul travel). Astral travel is a wilful or enforced out-of-body (OBE) experience. To believe this you must believe in the existence of a spirit (soul) or consciousness which is called the astral body. It is separate from our physical body. This astral body (soul and consciousness) has the capability of travelling out of our physical body, into another body and throughout the universe.¹ You can always look at Wikipedia for an explanation. This is important to understand as in my delusions when I was older, I thought this is what intelligence agencies, the Illuminati Wizards and even ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) can do. I also deluded myself into believing this is why sometimes we have some of these terrorist attacks in our countries. But I will come to that much later.

What’s important is that I think fathers and mothers, true intelligence agents, true militaries, police forces and the International Criminal Court and Federal/ High Court Justice Systems in each country have a much bigger role to play in protecting children and civilians from the dangers of the astral field, body possessions and crimes against humanity. Currently, it seems the justice system and international justice system does not provide investigation, prosecution and justice for what happens to a person when they are forced and enslaved in the astral field. In truth, protecting us from the Wizards and Illuminati militaries, political leaders and intelligence agencies. On top of this is the psywar on civilians that they engage in and in my delusions, did on me much later in my adult life.

Regardless, as a child, I loved to astral travel at night in my room and it felt like I was flying around Brisbane. But to me, and what I believe, is that someone found out I was doing this as many spies stay for long periods of time in the astral field. I believe they found out I was doing this. I do not know who but to me it was a spy or an Illuminati Wizard. It stopped then, as I felt (what I now know are the Wizards and Illuminati) someone projecting himself/themselves on the black and white tiles outside me bedroom. Soon after this I would have my first anxiety attack although at the time, I did not know it was anxiety I was experiencing; that has only come with hindsight. I would spend decades to come suffering from anxiety.

Other aspects of my childhood that I remember is my love to dress up and dance as a child and put on little dance shows for my friend’s parents when I would stay over at a friend’s house. Moreover, I