I, MUTANT
2 June 2020
What does chemo feel like?
Possession. Demons. Voices in your head.
It is difficult to describe, but being possessed comes closest to the feeling. A giant hand inside you, weighing you down. Whispering when you close your eyes. A lucid dream of something inside you that did not belong there. And it hurts like a bitch.
15 May 2020
Four days post diagnosis, first procedure.
A nodal biopsy, done under local anaesthetic. A 15-minute procedure, guided by an ultrasound scan, which requires a small punching tool to cut out chunks of a tumour to understand how it is mutating. It did not hurt.
26 May 2020
Look my tumour in the eye.
I keep looking at my test films when no one is around. Sometimes to try to make sense of how this even happened to me. At other times, to look at my tumours slap bang in the eye and curse them out of me.
8 June 2020
The Shaving
Shearing off what is left, and trying to be cool about it. I still miss my hair, still find it strange to look at myself in the mirror. I do not think I look ugly, I just think it is not the me I know.
Two Weeks to Mastectomy
There is so much to think about, too much to process. I am not ready to lose parts of who I am, but I am remembering why I am doing this at all: to be around long enough so I can raise this little spawn of mine. Here he is, inspecting my freshly shaved head with glee. He first said he hated it but I think he is coming around.
13 June 2020
Jar of hair
I have been
