Which I Call Darling, Which I Call an Angel.

By SSKARNO

“I loves you. You are an angel ”.
Words and expressions that Dura often hears. That fact is what makes Dura so special. But love and sincere love that really does not know age. But the current of life, makes those words and expressions unstoppable even more so in storms in covid19 epidemics.
Asfar became silent & dumb hiding the secret of the past turmoil.
Without words or expression, Dura stepped forward in the darkness brings a sense of wounded sorrow.
Dura’s absence gives awareness to Asfar who is supposed to take care of it the goodness of Dura who had made her life happy before.
Feelings of loss and remorse cannot change something that is lost. Although the day turns twilight, yet the color of love never changed at dusk as time passed. Love will never grow old even if you have to grow old.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing Singapore
• Release date: Jul 16, 2021
• ISBN: 9781543765854

Book preview

1.1

D ura was being taken to an ambulance. Asfar could only follow by staring blankly. As the vehicle left, his heart was pounding. A sudden feeling of sadness enveloped him and he felt disconsolate. A searing pain began to grip his whole being. Tried as he might, Asfar could not get a chance to get a glimpse of Dura’s face and to whisper in her ear before they took her away from him.

Surrounded by ambulance officers, they recorded Dura’s identity and the incident. In a situation such as these, the medics clear the area to carry out their duties according to SOP.

After a few minutes, they carried Dura into the ambulance. Asfar intended to follow suit but was advised by the medical officer to remain put due to age and during an earlier verbal medical review, Asfar shared that he has high blood pressure and diabetes, a high-risk factor when exposed to the virus, Covid 19.

Although Asfar insisted, his appeal was rejected due to his health reasons. Aira feels sympathy towards Asfar who desperately wants to accompany Dura. But Asfar must abide by the instructions of the covid epidemic, which is becoming the number one killer in the world.

Staring blankly in the corridor for a while, the shadow of the speeding ambulance disappeared from his eyesight. There was a kind of uneasiness that snapped and sliced his instincts. Asfar then stepped into the house and closed the door.

Asfar plonked himself on the sofa, eyes widened and breathing heavily. It all happened too fast, in the blink of an eye.

What transpired cannot be undone. If that moment can be rewind, Asfar would get up and run towards Dura’s voice calling his name. Maybe he could stop reciting the juz of Surah Al-Haqqah. Of course, Asfar will close The Quran and rushed towards Dura’s voice. Through the eaves of his ears, he could hear Dura’s faint voice, but he chooses to continue to focus on his reading. After all, Asfar is determined to finish his recitation for the third time in recent memory. Time is of the essence and Asfar is determined not to waste it since he is still healthy. His utmost desire to complete his recitation of The Quran before his demise.

Upon finishing his recitation, Asfar removed his skullcap and walked towards the kitchen. That is when Asfar saw Dura lying on the bathroom floor. Asfar called out to Aira who was shocked as he is in his room on WFH. Asfar placed Dura’s head gently on his lap, her eyes were closed as if she was sleeping. Asfar and Aira do their best in calling out Dura’s name and trying to move her. But there was no response and Dura remained stiff. His breathing seemed to be blocked. Aira tried to sprinkle water on Dura’s face, hoping to elicit a response. Aira started to cry seeing Dura’s unchanged condition.

How can this happen... Aira trailed off searching for an answer from Asfar.

I don’t know, I didn’t realize how it can happen... Asfar replied sadly.

Asfar was pensive alone on the living room sofa.

Asfar sighed deeply, recalling the times, Dura would join him on the sofa, not to watch TV together, but searching for ways so Asfar would pay attention to her.

Darling, what are our holiday plan this year... Dura asked.

Tell me where do you want to go, I’ll take you there, My Love. Asfar lovingly replies while embracing Dura’s shoulder.

Really..., Darling, you will take me wherever I want to go? enquired Dura.

Have I ever lied to you, My Love…? Asfar asked.

You’re not pulling my leg... Dura responded.

If I ever lie to you, My Love, the feeling of guilt may stay with me for the rest of my days! Countered Asfar.

Darling, you know, you’re are a good person... Praise Dura.

Sweetheart, tell me where, and we’re on... Asfar beamed.

Dura smiled girlishly as she looked at Asfar’s face. Dura was just teasing Asfar, the love and affection he has for her, she never doubted.

Aaaaaah tell me, where do you want to go.. Asfar repeated.

Hhhmm…., Darling, how about if I want to see the moon... Dura teasingly said. Asfar glanced at Dura then tickled her. Dura really couldn’t fight back, ending up with laughter and happy tears.

Next time, answer truthfully... Asfar laughed gleefully as he hugged her lovingly.

May our love for each other last not only our lifetime but till the heavens, My Love.. Asfar stated.

Dura stopped laughing while staring at Asfar’s face. Locking eyes. The love that they shared, had minimised the decades including getting rid of all prejudices. Dura grinned with the realisation that Asfar was not as handsome as he used to be. His black hair was no longer visible.

His appearance changed a lot with time. Only a mole on the side of his chin makes Asfar looks as radiant as before. The smile still stings!!!

Age has caught up with Asfar. The passing time has been kind although it has appropriately consumed both of them. All that remains is the lingering remnants of the memories they both shared.

In his golden years, Asfar is just waiting for the time to retire. So is Dura for the opportunity to retire completely and spend time together. The dream of eternal happiness.

The year-end is the time where they spend quality time in different countries. They’ve been to Turkey, Japan, Sweden, Indonesia on holiday to time it with their anniversary. Though their love is decades now and not as fresh as in the past, they remain happily married and enjoying their shared long-life journey. A relationship needs work. There will definitely be obstacles and challenges in any relationship that may snub the feelings of love, what remains is compassion that is deeply rooted.

That is the love story between Asfar and Dura. Asfar’s love for Dura has been decades in the making, almost faded in the blink of an eye. The usual terms of endearment or loving words in calling Dura had ceased. Asfar is a convivial person who likes to tease Dura, suddenly changed to a quiet attitude.

Asfar locked himself as if serving in detention. Everything happened so fast! The sacred word of love sounds foreign and does not trigger the instincts and feelings of love. It’s like a nightmare. Asfar’s mind is in a vacant state of affair. Nothing and no one were waiting on the sofa for him. The sofa was desolate and with it his derelict mind. Asfar sighed with an infinite sense of regret in him.

Several times, Asfar wanted to tell Dura about his past, a long-held secret. Before he could do that, Asfar had been asked to leave his job as he was found unconscious at work due to his high blood pressure of 190mmHg. Considering his health and safety, his employer where Asfar was working terminated his contract with just another year to complete. Although Asfar still wants to work, he agreed with the employer’s decision with a profound feeling of sadness, all that made Asfar more depressed. This melancholy thwarted his intentions to share his past life with her.

During locked down and social distancing, Asfar suffered from severe depression. The feeling of being trapped in all the circumstances that beset him was all too real. Including a chance meeting a week before being dismissed, Umar informed him that Inara was pregnant.

In multiple waves, the world was shaken by the covid pandemic. People all over the world are stepping into the realm of new norms.

Many restrictions and instructions were issued and everyone had to limit their gathering. Gone are afternoon chats including cafe hang out. A stop to socializing and face to face meet up. One can step out of their house for essential matters only.

With different circumstances and situation befalling Asfar, he had to cancel several of his meetings which enhances his feelings of disarray and pent-up emotions.

Lately, he has been paying little attention to Dura. In this chaos, Asfar is searching for self. He carries a lot of guilt towards Dura while she knows not. A few times, he was caught by Dura who rebuked him for his indifference. His desire in wanting to tell his past takes a toll on him. Without realizing it, his love seemed to fizzle out. Asfar was afraid of being falsely accused while needing time to face reality. Dura is his love, now and forever.

Would Dura believe him???

His past with Inara haunts him. Will God forgive him? Why did his past with Inara is still a burden on his mind even after more than forty years? The stain of sin makes Asfar trapped with a sense of responsibility.

Asfar repented and searched within. He increased the number of repentance prayers, recite the Quran to find solace and invoke to expedite his sins. Sins, he is not able to bear.

Asfar hopes Aira call. He expects Aira to inform him about Dura’s condition. Certain that Dura will return to him.

His stressor shoots up and so his anxiety. Asfar wanted to know what the doctor who examined her said. For some reasons, he felt weak like melted glazier in the ocean.

It was as if his heart had been taken. When Dura was carried away, Asfar noticed there were tear droplets in Dura’s eyelids. Asfar knows Dura hardly shedding tears. Dura will only cry if she is hurt or the actions of a person who deeply offends her. Dura easily forgives.

Could Dura forgive him? Whispered Asfar’s.

The simplicity nature of Dura makes Asfar feels guilty. He does not want to betray her love.

Hopefully, Dura understands that even though it may hurt her. It’s not that Asfar doesn’t love Dura anymore. It’s not his love for Dura that lessen. Dura is the most loved woman in his life. In Asfar, Dura is the moon and the star that shines within his universe. Only death can separate them. The misdemeanour of Asfar’s adolescence came rushing in and brought with it a verdict of guilt that had tarnished during his school days. The dawn of love that blossomed between himself and Inara.

It was this feeling that dragged him down, an invisible wall isolating him from his Dura. The guilt was like being imprisoned combing through the annal of law affecting his affection for Dura, imprisons Asfar in a cell of resentment. Repositioning the way, he seats as if giving him a different perception although his mind-blanking. At this junction, Asfar promises himself that he will treat Dura as lovingly prior. He will try not to isolate himself, wanting to confess his experience with Dura. They did promise to share, the good and the challenges of life journey, together!

Asfar wants to recount his pass to Dura with the hope, together they can rectify the situation.

Asfar could not bear to carry his feelings of guilt on his own. He is no longer willing to shoulder it alone. In seeking Dura’s understanding, he is willing to accept whatever consequences from her.

A week before being fired, Asfar came across Umar who was replacing an ill co -worker delivering goods. A chance meeting after parting ways for almost over forty-five years.

They had lived within a larger neighbourhood separated by a large ditch between their villages of Kampung Gemuruh Timur and Kampung Gemuruh Barat.

Umar was the closest neighbour to Inara. With their collided path, the past was about to blow up without Asfar’s realization. Umar was reminiscent of his past and his crushed on Inara, causing Asfar to replay the individual events in his mind. Reality is a bitch. Almost every night now, the past has been put on permanent auto replay and interrupted his sleep including his appetite. Every time in the dead of night, the silhouette and shadow of Inara’s face appeared just when Asfar falls to slumber. With increased resentment, his blood pressure soared. It got to a point, blurring his vision, losing consciousness and landed him in hospital. In a stroke of luck, his colleague acted quickly thus avoiding grave consequences.

Asfar resigned to his early contract termination although shackled by feelings of guilt and the timing of it. Determined to move away from his past.

Ahh dam!! he snapped to himself.

Everyone carries their baggage, their past, the pleasant and not so pleasant. That’s life indeed, human nature. According to Umar, Inara had long since passed away. His unsavoury thoughts justify his fortunate escaped without repercussion in the journal of his life even back then when he was 18 years old. The young blood in him was conflicted. Asfar was ambivalent about how Inara suffered because of him. How he was unable to do anything. The separation leads to the end of their affair leaving Asfar’s past seeking his shadow. Wanting to be responsible for his actions, Asfar had second thoughts due to the way they parted without his knowledge. Upon reflection on his past deeds, Asfar wants to seek atonement so as not be accounted in the hereafter...! For hell is as bad a place to return!! Cowered in fear whenever Asfar contemplated the reckoning and punishment from God.

Asfar could not overcome his guilt towards Inara nor Dura. Asfar tries to convince himself by accepting the fact that he is an ordinary person who makes mistakes and fall by the wayside.

Tried as he might, he was not successful in changing his feeling of guilt and leads him further to self-pity. Asfar acknowledged Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Oft-Compassionate and accept the repentance of His creation! Affirmation of the truth does not lessen the suffering borne. Deep down Asfar felt that his past deeds were a great sin.

To overcome Asfar’s feeling of guilt, he is relying on the strength of his will by increasing his recitation and sawm. In his anguish, he often suppresses his desire in solitude. This does not mean his love for Dura dwindled, after all, Dura is 24/7 with him.

Dura is always the