Addiction to Abundance

By Patricia P Kilty

Grab some tissues, while I take you on a journey of drug addiction, homelessness, toxic relationships, lack of self worth to been a successful online business owner and living a life of freedom.
I stood in the middle of the road in my little night dress and bare feet clutching on to my nan’s hand. She was shaking telling my mum go get the front door keys, so she could lock the door. I looked at her and didn’t understand why she would say that.
Have you ever felt so low the only way you can cope is through self abuse and self destruction? Addicted to abundance is an Irish girl’s struggle with pain, life, parenthood along with alcohol and drug addiction.
The fight between your heart and your mind against the addict within you is not a fair fight. Some battles you win, some battles the addict wins. Just make sure, in the end you win the fucking war.
I love me
But I also love you & I want to help you know
There is always love and light in every corner of darkness. Sometimes it’s in the form of your fight for survival of you and your son. Brave, honest and truthfully scary account of a life controlled
love always
Patricia P

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press UK
• Release date: Feb 18, 2021
• ISBN: 9781982282585

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Copyright © 2021 Patricia P Kilty.

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ISBN: 978-1-9822-8257-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-8259-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-8258-5 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 02/18/2021

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To my beautiful, amazing son, Jaden. I can honestly not put into words how much you mean to me. To this day you are my greatest teacher. Your presence shines so bright it makes every day magical. My life would be empty without you.

It’s only right I dedicate my first book to you…

To my family, especially my sister for all her support for my son. I thank you a million times over for what you done for us. You will never understand how much it means to me. I will never forget it.

I love you with all my heart always and forever.

I love you all so very much.

To my dearest friend MS. Sunshine. Who constantly pushes me to be me. Who has been with me through thick and thin. You are an amazing woman and I love you.

"she is my sunshine, my only sunshine.

she makes me happy when skies are grey,

you’ll never know dear; how much I love you

so please don’t take my sunshine away’

To Manifesther McCann who kicked me in the ass to get on with writing this story. You saw something in me that I couldn’t see myself. You push me to be the best version of me. Every day she has been there, all the way, day and night.

Manifesther McCann also helped me break from a toxic relationship. You showed me how manifest my dream job, my home, holidays. You are so powerful I would recommend you to anyone if you want to manifest the life you want.

- YOUTUBE which is called MISS MANIFESTHER hit that Subscribed button her website http;//missmanifesther.com/

I am grateful for you coming into my life. I thank you for

EMPOWERING ME,

HELPING ME FIND ME AGAIN

KNOWING I AM WORTH IT ALL

THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS SEING THE BEST IN ME EVEN ON THE DAYS THAT I DIDN’T.

To Miss Mel M Rubin.

Who showed me that I can be the woman I want to be. You helped me step into my power and show the world what I have to offer.

Being in your company is like been on a holiday every fucking day of the week. You literally make my heart sing. Although I have only known you a short time, I feel like you have always been there. Not only did you help me though my struggles, but you also helped me realize that I can have my dream life and build a successful online Business.

Your Energy is infectious, your strength is inspiring, and I am honored to be your friend.

To Nadia Shaheen.

Who doesn’t even know how much I really look up to her & I am so grateful for her coming in to my life, Nadia you inspire me everyday with your words of wisdom, I will be forever grateful for everything you do for me, I really appreciate you.

You are a very powerful woman in everything you do, say, write never ever stop putting up content as I love your work.

Thank you for making me smile, encouraging me when I feel defeated, comforting me when I am sad, & Thank you for always been you & making my life that extra bit happier.

To Jayne Bagshaw

Jayne what can I say I love you with all my heart, I wake up every morning and the first thing is I do is tell the Universe how grateful I am for you sending me that text one day and asking me to be your accountability partner, for that I will for ever be grateful as you are the friend I never had & always wanted. you kick me up the ass when needed but you also show me the love when I needed.

You listen when I have a problem, you catch me when I fall, you bring so much joy into my life. Thank you for being my friend though it all.

To Keira Kizza Lightbody

For making sure my book got edited properly. If it wasn’t for you I would probably still working on it. I am truly grateful for all your hard work thank you so much.

My deepest gratitude goes to the people who played a part in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly, you all made your impact and made me the powerful woman I am today.

Every day I wake up and thank god for my life.

Books I can recommend that changed my life

- The Secret, The magic, The power all by Rhonda Byrne

- Be Obsessed or be Average by Grant Cardone

- Rich as F*ck – More Money then you know what to do with by Amanda Frances

- Amanda Frances also has courses & podcasts that I listen to – they really left me up every day along with her meditations

- Just fucking do it by Noor Hibbert – Noor to has courses and podcasts that left me up on a daily basis

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1     Up in smoke

Chapter 2     Have you ever seen the Devil?

Chapter 3     My very first job

Chapter 4     The move to the big smoke (London)

Chapter 5     A love like never before

Chapter 6     A smile that would change the world, My world

Chapter 7     The start of an end

Chapter 8     Chasing the dragon

Chapter 9     Bruce my greatest love

Chapter 10   The love drug

Chapter 11   Deep soul love

Chapter 12   A brick of heaven’s dust

Chapter 13   We Became Slaves to the Drugs

Chapter 14    Losing Jaden, losing me

Chapter 15   Fights and suicide

Chapter 16   Tricks of a paranoid mind

Chapter 17   A cocaine illusion

Chapter 18   It all came to an end

The End- The Author’s Speech

INTRODUCTION

What is up beautiful souls?

Okay let’s get the boring stuff out of the way first …

So, go get yourself a cuppa, those biscuits that you have been meaning to eat. Get some tissues- like I don’t know if you’re going to need them, but you never know.

Anyway here is a book about me, Patricia P Kilty, CeCe (AKA Pandora summer) the one and only. I go by CeCe or Pandora Summer.

Pandora came from a boy in my childhood, who stole my heart. I must have been about 10 at the time but I was in his aura. Like come on, I mean at the age of 10! Did I even know what it was to fancy someone, but I just couldn’t get enough of this lad. We used always mess about… One day he said to me ‘why do people call you CeCe? You don’t look like a CeCe, you look like a Pandora, so I am going to call you Pandora.’ So, from then onwards I told everyone to call me Pandora (Pam for short).

I remember the day I came home from school and my dad {love my dad he is my king and always will be. I told him everything}

Started calling me to come down for some food. I wouldn’t answer him because he was calling me CeCe. All I could hear was CeCe, CeCe, CeCe after the third call he came up stairs ‘CeCe did you hear me there is food on the table for you!’ I turned and looked him in the eye saying ‘who is CeCe, I don’t know anyone called CeCe. My name is Pandora because JOHN said it was Pandora, everyone has to call me Pandora now!’ and that’s how I got the name Pandora. (obviously John wasn’t his name and I’m not that stupid to say his name omg I’ll never live it down! Ha-ha).

A bit more about my life...

I’ve a big scar just under my chin that looks like I strangled myself… FYI I did not before you ask!

When I was just able to walk, there was hot water on the side and the doorbell rang. Whoever was watching me at the time, left me there with the hot water to answer the door. I had climbed up on the side as I wanted a drink but because it was so hot, I missed my mouth. The hot water spilt all down me, under my chin and chest and scalded me. The doc said it should have healed by the time I was 12 years old, but it didn’t. I can’t remember the whole situation however plenty of people have asked me if I tried to hang myself.

I was once kidnapped when I was young by a French lad. I was outside on the green (the green is where we would hang out it was right outside my house) where I was picked up. This lad took me by the hand tightly and walked me towards the church. He didn’t say anything to me until we were out of sight, then he convinced me he was a friend of my mums.

At the church then he knelt and said, ‘What’s your name?’

‘CeCe no Pandora I mean’ I responded.’

‘Well Pandora a little birdy told me you had a pain in your tummy’ he said as he started putting his hand up my skirt.

Then he started to rub my tummy asking me ‘Is it sore, do you have an upset tummy?’ in his French accent.

I shook my head, but he continued to keep his hand there while staring at me.

My head went all fussy while he was talking to me and rubbing my tummy. His hand was making its way down my skirt and I don’t know what happened, but I gave him the hardest kick I could & ran. Something inside me knew this was wrong and said get out of there.

I ran home as fast as I could to my mum and dad. I told them their friend took me up the road to the church and what had happened. I tried to explain. But I couldn’t understand as I never seen this friend before, but he must be as I was going to get some ice cream. My dad immediately rang the Gardaí {police}.

I didn’t realize how serious it was till a couple of days afterwards. The Gardaí came to pick me up to identify him. Apparently, he tried to do it to two other young girls that same day.

Nobody thought of this sort of thing would ever happen where we lived. It felt so safe, that’s why we could stay out till all hours of the morning. I was the only girl that had agreed to go and identify him. The others were too scared, and I don’t know if worse happened to them. But I only said yes because it would be great to get a ride in the Gardaí car… little did I know that when I got older it wouldn’t be so great…

We turned up to a caravan site & there he was. I remember distinctly not liking being there. I told the Gardaí that it was him. I got home and that was it my parents never spoke about it EVER AGAIN.

So, it was back to normal after & It was never mentioned it to anyone either….

I know you’re probably thinking well why is it in here then... let’s get over the boring parts section well here’s the thing that’s all I remember off it. The doctors say it could be childhood Amnesia but because nobody spoke about it anymore, I felt like if I spoke about it I would get in trouble so I blocked it out like it never happened.

Then when I was 13 years old my house was set on fire! by my best friend! So, there you have it that it, all boring stuff are over with! that’s it! THE END! thank you have a nice day…. Oh, hang on. I remember let’s start there shall we? up in smoke as I call it.

CHAPTER 1

UP IN SMOKE

The Day I Lost My Childhood and Never Got It Back

I didn’t really make new friends in secondary school, I just stuck to the ones I already knew or the one friend I had. At 13 years old, I was on top of the world.

Little did I know that this year was going to change my life for-ever, & the way I looked at the world too ….

I used to hate going to school. My Dad would come in every morning and throw a bucket of water over me! No lie, I swear, every morning & he didn’t even think twice about it.

We would have had an argument or a debate. For example, me trying to convince him how so much school is bad for me. & my Dad trying to convince me how much I really need to go. I don’t even have to tell you who always won the debate so off to school I had to go.

As soon as it was over, I would rush home & be banging on my friend’s door (Lets call my friend Dylan. I hate the name Dylan--I have my reasons).

Dylan and I were always together, playing in the street, having tea together even staying over in each other houses. He was my best friend, my one and only best friend. It was the kind of friendship you thought would last forever. I would have done anything for him. My dad would even bring him in when my mum went to bingo at night and let us play until she came home. He would then have to sneak him out the back down to go home so my mum wouldn’t see him.

But one day Dylan didn’t come to my house, so I decided I would go & surprise him & knock for him. But he wasn’t there, so I walked around in our normal places that we would hang, but there was no sign of him. It felt like I was walking for hours.

I eventually ran in to him. He was with two older men that I had never seen before. I screamed his name in delight, but he ignored me. I screamed again and nothing. I thought to myself, he must not be able to hear me, so I ran to him, tugged on his arm, and said, ‘Dylan’ I was calling you did you. Did you not hear me?’

Dylan looked at me, incredibly angry. Go home, Pandora, he said. Then he starts shouting at me. ‘Go away from me. I don’t like you. I never did!’

‘Why you been like that, Dylan? Why you been so horrible?’ I asked. He pushed me away from him incredibly angry and told me he didn’t want anything to do with me and walked off.

When I got home, I told my Dad and he said, ‘He is probably just having a bad day, just give him some space for a few days’.

I didn’t see him again until 19th December 3.27a.m. Very specific but I missed him, & I remember it so clearly.

Let’s Back up a bit here for a sec.

I was thirteen years old getting ready for my exams in school, & it was the hardest part of been a teen. I’d say for most teens it was hard having to be on top form for everything. Trying to prove your worth to your parents, trying to fit in with other girls, and basically finding where you fit in, in this huge world.

It was the 18th December, and everything was ready for the big day that everyone looks forward to every year. You know that one day of the year... 25THDECEMBER.

My Dad had just finished painting the house. Every year they painted the house for Christmas. I was so excited. I love Christmas, I still do. I am always like a big kid at Christmas. I must be around children at this time of the year as they bring so much joy and magic. If I can’t be around children, I can become quite miserable. Our home smelled of tree, mulled wine, candles, wood burning on the fire and freshly painted walls. Oh, I was getting extremely excited.

Due to the house revamp, all the furniture was shoved in to one corner along with the telly and VCR (video recorders’ they were in those days; I bet your thinking back to your VCR right now ha). Any-way my Dad would just put them in the corner. As long as we could still watch the telly, he didn’t mind what state the furniture was in. Believe me when I say, my Dad would do anything for us & I mean anything. As long as we had smiles on our faces, he was happy. He used to always say, if you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.

Everyone was so tried so we had an early night…

I woke up to a bang. I was still half asleep, but I got up to see what was going on. As I started walking down the stairs, something said to me don’t go any further. So, I stood half-way on the stairs. The sitting room doors were open. I stood there for a bit, and then I saw some sort of fire. But I thought it was the fire still lighting in the sitting room, as we had an open fire.

I walked into my mum and dad’s room. I shouted at my dad, how can you go to bed and leave the fire going when you go mad at us about it?

Then I heard another bang. I knew something wasn’t right. You know when you can feel it in your stomach.

‘Dad, the fire!

My dad jumped out of bed all confused. ‘What fire? It wasn’t lit today’

‘Dad the fire downstairs.’

My dad went down the stairs. As he got half-way a big, massive flame came right up the railings of the stairs. If my dad hadn’t moved, it would have hit him right in the face. He screamed at me ‘Go wake everybody up and get outside as far away from the house as you can!’

I can still hear him screaming that at me. It haunts me every single day.

I just stood there in shock; I couldn’t move.

CeCe! CeCe! he shouted come on, move, CeCe look at me; My dad said.

‘I need you to go wake everybody up and get out now! CeCe come on; you’re strong. You can do this for me, I know you can!

I came out of my shocked state and ran upstairs to my bedroom where my three sisters were. Got my sisters up. One of my sisters, Sinead, got my youngest sister, Claire, up. Sinead & I wrapped Claire in a blanket, and Sinead carried her down the stairs as my other sister, Diana, followed her. On the way down we had to pass my nan’s bedroom.

I quickly went into her. Didn’t speak or say anything; I just grabbed her dressing gown and pulled her out of bed. She kept asking what was going on. I couldn’t even talk to her. I was finding it ridiculously hard to breath. I’m not sure if I was having a panic attack or if it was the smoke. I just said ‘fire! That’s all that could come out of my mouth.

My nan just seemed to follow me down the stairs. I think she must have known deep down that something wasn’t right. I would never in a million years just go and pull my nan out of bed. Although I couldn’t even talk, she knew something was up.

We got outside. My mum was already outside standing near the car, which was far enough away from the house. We started walking over to her. My dad must have got her out.

He was banging down the neighbour’s’ door’s as our house was attached to theirs. He couldn’t seem to wake them.

I stood in the middle of the road in my little night dress and bare feet clutching on to my nan’s hand. She was shaking, telling my mum to go get the front door keys so she could lock the door. I looked at her and didn’t understand why she would say something like that.

As I looked on, the flames were pouring out like someone got the bon-fire going for Halloween night. It looked so beautiful in the dark night Sky, like the flames were hitting the stars that shined so bright. But then it hit me.; it wasn’t beautiful, it was my home, burning.

My beautiful home.

The home that I grew up in.

The Home that my mum and dad build memories in.

All the hard work they put in was up in flames.

My dad fell to his knees. Then suddenly someone screamed at my dad, Jimmy! Oh my god Jimmy is still in there! (Jimmy is my baby brother. My beautiful baby brother was still in there) My sisters and I ran to the door to go back inside to get him.

As we ran, a big flame came through the window of the spare room down-stairs. My dad yelled at us, ‘Stay there! Don’t move! Of course, as the flame came out of the window, my sisters and I just stood there. We weren’t going anywhere; we were all in shock. Like, I mean, I don’t even know what we were going to do or how we were going to get in. We just knew we had to go in and get our baby brother out. Like We were fucking super-heroes. Wonder women eat your fucking heart out.

By this time most of the neighbours were outside trying to help in any-way they could. My dad turned and ask one of our neighbours, Betty, lovely woman. Betty, please take them in-to your house. They shouldn’t be seeing this.

‘No! My sister’s and I said. What about Jimmy? We are not leaving without Jimmy’.

‘Girls please. I need you to go, please. Do it for me’.

As we got pulled away to go into the neighbour’s house, I turned around to see my dad put his hand though the window of the front door. He took his top off, wrapped it around his hand, and with one almighty punch, broke through the window.

My nan was shouting at him; why can’t you use the key you’re going to pay for that now.

I guess people say weird things when they are in shock.

I remember thinking to myself my brother and dad were died. There is no way they could survive, something like that. I didn’t dare say it to anyone else.

The fire brigade took forever to come, as they thought it was a hocus call. Someone rang them twenty times, before our house was actually on fire and sent them on a wild goose chase. It wasn’t till four of our neighbours rang up about it they took it seriously. It was same with the ambulance, but they finally came, and when they did there was still no sign off my dad and brother.

My neighbour, Betty, said to the ambulance men to take the girls first. But we refused we wanted to wait for our dad and brother. We were adamant we weren’t going with them. However, there was no way they were going to let us stay there no matter how much we fought the paramedics. They said my dad and brother our going to follow straight after. So, me, my sisters and nan were taking in one ambulance. My mum stayed behind.

As I was getting into the ambulance. I saw, my friend Dylan across the road, looking on. I didn’t think much of it as all our neighbours were out. A warm rush went through me as I knew he had come to help, he did care.

The ambulance took us to The Royal Greater Hospital. My Nan was taken to a separate medical department to my sisters and I. We all had to be checked over for smoke damage and any other injuries. Luckily, we had none, so all we had to do was wait. There was still no sign of Mum, Dad, and my brother.

Finally, we were taking up to a ward. I can’t remember the name of the ward,