If Looks Could Kill

By Dr. Pastor La Donna Morrell Th.D. MS BA AA

This book is an amazing novel based written book from true life events of a woman who had been a victim of abuse, molestation, and rape, all together at once. Her life had nothing been a tragic journey. From being raped and molested at the age of 15 leading to abortion and getting married to a stranger at the age of seventeen, the light of hope at the end of the tunnel seemed to gradually fade away. The generational curse of abuse and molestation within the family had passed down to the author’s recent family and led to several tragic incidents. Despite all the hardships, she wishes to live a life free from all the pain and suffering. She wishes to put everything behind and move ahead because this is how we are meant to be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664153073

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Copyright © 2021 by Dr. Pastor La Donna Morrell TH.D., MS, BA, AA.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 01/27/2021

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Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgment

About the Author

Preface

Chapter 1 - The Sins of the Father

Chapter 2 - The Big City Crowd

Chapter 3 - Passing the Baton

Chapter 4 - History Repeats Itself

Chapter 5 - Father Figures

Chapter 6 - The Beginning

Chapter 7 - Flash from the Past

Chapter 8 - I Hate My Life as a Child Bride

Chapter 9 - Marriage on the Rocks

Chapter 10 - Sins of the Pastors

Chapter 11 - Crumbling and Rebuilding

Chapter 12 - End the Cycle

Dedication

I dedicate this book to God for blessing me with my husband, Richard Morrell, who is my love, my rock, and my King for life. As well as to my children JD, Mercedes, Richard Jr., and Alexis – all of whom taught me true love.

Also, I dedicate it to all the women who have struggled with destructive family dynamics, rejection, physical abuse, sexual abuse, sexual addictions, drugs, alcohol, fear, shame, isolation, depression, oppression, condemnation, abortions, adultery, divorce, and finally a Self-Sabotaging Mentality! that will keep you perpetually defeated.

But recognize there is hope. That Hope is Christ! Because of the Love of God, I am whole, delivered, and set free. I am not looking back on my past’s shame and failures, but rather moving forward and allowing God to use all my pain and suffering towards pushing me into my divine purpose and destiny.

Acknowledgment

I would like to acknowledge my family for making me believe enough in myself and for providing me with the strength to pen down my life and share it with the rest of the world. Without their emotional support and relentless faith within me, this book would not have been possible.

The friends and colleagues I came across in my life who made me feel comfortable enough to confide in them. You made me overcome any guilt or shame I felt, and helped me feel proud of myself for rising above all of my life’s challenges.

Lastly, I wish to acknowledge all of my amazing fellow college students and professors who helped me every step of the way while I was completing my Undergraduate Bachelors’ degree and my Masters’ degree. The alumni associations that then helped me find suitable employment were also instrumental. I would not be who I am and where I am today without your love and advice. It is thanks to you that I find myself in a positon to write this book.

About the Author

Dr. Pastor La Donna Morrell TH.D., MS, BA, AA is a loving wife of 26 years to Richard Morell. They are blessed with four, children and seven grandchildren. Although La Donna is from the South, she has been a resident of Lansing, Michigan, for the past 30 years. She is an ordained Pastor, serving the Greater Lansing, MI Dr. La Donna Morrell is a Public Speaker, Outreach Pastor, Hospital Chaplain, Community Advocate, and Jail Pastor.

Dr. Morrell is certified as a Medical Assistant, Phlebotomist, Nursing Assistant, Home Health Aide, Corrections Officer, and Pastor, Chaplain. And she is a graduate of Great Lakes Christian College, with an Associate’s degree in Biblical Theology, Christian Counseling, and Music. Also, she is a graduate of Spring Arbor University with a Bachelor’s in Art in Christian Ministry Leadership. Additionally, Dr. Morrell graduated from Ashford University acquiring a Master’s in Criminal Justice.

Moreover, Dr. Morrell has acquired a Doctorate in Christian Ministry Leadership from Kingdom University International.

Furthermore, she is passionate about writing, public speaking, singing, counseling as well as being a doting wife, mother, and grandmother. Dr. La Donna has also published two other, books: Women in Ministry and Saying Goodbye to Connor. She is a Public Speaker fighting for the rights of Women, Men, and Children as a Domestic Violence Advocate.

Thus, Dr. La Donna Morell is a dedicated lifetime student of the Word of God. She strives every day to be more and more like Christ as she continues her studies to show herself approved, and rightfully divide the truth from the lies. Dr. La Donna Morrell prays that God is pleased with her worship as she continues to serve His people.

Preface

I was groomed from birth to be a mother and a wife. I often wondered, How can this be my life, married at seventeen years old? Just thinking of the institution of marriage made me sick to my stomach. Reflecting on how meek and submissive my mother was, it enraged me. My stepfather was very abusive towards my mother, and that abuse was injected into her children (me, my sisters, and brothers). Hence, when I was molested/ raped at fifteen, that too by a family friend, I had to have an abortion. However, due to the guilt and shame, I could not tell anyone. Soon, I was supposed to be a victorious wife and mother, but my abusive situation made me feel like a victim. I hated my life as a child bride and having to overcome the stigma of being molested/raped at fifteen, having abortions, violently raped, and physically abused for the first six years of my adult life by my first husband. It hurt that I was forced to marry a man I did not love at the hands of my parents. I was hurt that my voice was disregarded, my innocence was taken, and my mother and stepfather covered my abuse to save their own reputations. These circumstances came on me all at once, and I was forced to accept my abusive life. I feared my stepfather’s strengths and misunderstood my mother’s weaknesses. I did not like the way My mother conducted herself as a wife. I viewed her humility and submission to my stepfather as a weakness, and not as any sign of strength. Seeing her condition was the main reason I had no desire to be married.

My stepfather felt that women were subordinate to all men. Thus, it did not shock me when he arranged a marriage between my step-cousin and me. It was just another example of my stepfather flexing his power and control over my family. I did not want to be married at seventeen, and I hated my mother and my stepfather for making me get married.

It has been a difficult journey obtaining knowledge, wisdom, and understanding about my abuse. I have received several years of professional counseling and family therapy. Those sessions over the years have helped me overcome the guilt, shame, embarrassment, pain, and suffering that I endured. After a few years, I recognized my abuse was not my fault. I recognized my mother and stepfather did their best in raising their family. And I acknowledge all the social pressures of growing up in the south and understanding that basic knowledge enabled me to forgive my mother, stepfather, first husband, his family, and above all myself. However, I believed because the sins of the fathers created a generational curse over my life. Also, that led to the abuse of my oldest daughter, and by her baby’s father. And the curse is even more tragic that the the virus did not just die there. Additionally, due to the generational curse, my two-year-old grandson was swallowed into his grave, beaten to death, by my daughter’s Ex-boyfriend. Thus, the generational curse continues to affect my granddaughter, the only witness to her brother’s murder, in a way that only abuse can. We fought over a year, with the foster care system to get my granddaughter home, and my daughter’s imprisonment.

Moreover, reading through this book will help you understand the pain and suffering we are going through and how God presence has never left or forsakened my family. Furthermore, you will see God’s loving hand holding us through all and providing, my family, with His Unconditional Forgiveness, Mercy and Loving Kindness. My family is Blessed and Highly favored!

Chapter 1

The Sins of the Father

We know that our actions affect the outlook of our children on life, yet we do nothing about it. Our role as a parent is to shape our children for a better future, for themselves, as well as the society they will grow up being a part of. Then why do we confuse our role of discipline with submission? As a parent, are we not to teach our children to be of good virtue? But by forcing decisions on them, we train their mind to accept orders blindly rather than judge what is good for them on their own.

Critical thinking just is not a part of our society anymore. We need to be cautious of all that we do around our children because what they go through at home will have a huge impact on their future, for better or for worse. I was no different than any other child out there who goes through the trauma of growing up in a dysfunctional family, and that was reflected in my selected way of leading life. As a child, I had little to no control over all that was set firmly for me.

My fate was sealed by the ones responsible for protecting me from harm. It was foolish of me to think that my parents would have helped me through the abuse I was inflicted with.

They were like, ‘Hey, if your husband pays for you and demands sex, then what is wrong about that? It is a part of every relationship. If you enjoy certain benefits in a relationship, you must also be prepared to complete the end of your bargain – your responsibility and duty toward the husband as a wife.’

Yes, it is. Where there is love, there are arguments and unfulfilled expectations. However, what we fail to define here is the clear line between consent and rape. You must be wondering what this person is going on about. Well, let me introduce myself to you. I am Layla Kennedy, a professional counselor based in Arkansas, which is also my birthplace. I was the middle child to Elijah Kennedy and Georgia Woods. My father was a basketball player and mechanic, while my mum was a housewife.

I have a sister, Kiara, who is two years older than me. I also have a younger sister, Mila, with whom I have an age gap of one year. I know how my mother managed to have three daughters one after another and how she coped with bringing us all up at the same time. Such was the life she chose to abide by. This is where my story begins. A story of wonderment, shame, guilt, distress, and endless woes.

A story of sheer tragedy where women are taught and raised with an instinct to be submissive to men and where men play the role of being superior, who just has to have the control over the household – a ‘household,’ meaning that any abuse taking place within the four walls is shunned. If the slightest bit of sob escapes through the windowpane and seeps into the ears of the neighbor, then hell hath no fury. The aftermath of such an incident would be catastrophic because the society will look down upon the man, and the wife will be hurled with abuse by her man.

I am just a woman who had to go through the harshest of storms of life and sail all on my own. I was sailing in a storm, where I was continuously being pulled into the undertow, keeping me from rising and being the epitome of wonder. I was a little girl who was robbed of her innocence because of the decision imposed upon me. The words ‘decision’ and ‘choice’ were a foreign concept to me despite me always being lost in the thoughts of ‘what ifs.’

My mother, Georgia, was eight months into her pregnancy with me when her world fell apart. Yours would have too if you were in her shoes. My parent’s marriage was far from being a fairytale. It was an absolute disaster and up to this date, I fail to find the logic behind my mother’s decision of bearing with such a man for so many years. Early one Sunday morning, my mother decided to drive to the nearest supermarket. Since father was nowhere to be found, she had no choice but to carry Kiara with her. So, imagine an eight-month pregnant woman waddling her way across the driveway and through the aisles of a crowded marketplace, along with a two-year-old girl.

I wonder where did father head off to? It was supposed to be him here right now and my mother should be back at home, resting. My mother waited for a few hours, but when there was no news of father, she had no choice but to go to the market herself. There was no food at home and she had to feed herself and another child. There was not even a single piece of cracker in any corner of any kitchen cabinet. Kiara was getting hungry with each passing minute, and a hungry toddler is an irritable toddler. The last thing my mother wanted was to lose her piece of mind. She dreaded the shrieks and cries that would have erupted from Kiara’s little body had she not been adequately fed. Mother had to make sure to get everything on the grocery list, and many of these items were comprised of products favored by father. The cereal had to be his favorite type, the hair gel must be according to his brand preference, and so on and forth. I was able to feel the fluctuating heartbeat of my mother pulsing through her veins.

A backache was killing her, and her feet were double their original size. She was holding Kiara with one hand while maneuvering the cart with the other. A father is supposed to support his wife and child, too, and not just back off after creating a life. But it seems my father did not get the memo. He was barely there and would leave mother to face all the hurdles by herself. Here, she was trying to tiptoe to reach the top shelf of the aisle and get his preferred products.

She could have made her life easy and picked the one in front of her, but then father would have ended up beating her for disobeying him. Moreover, shopping was far more difficult with the constant rants and demands of my sister. She tugged and bugged my mother, trudging her already slow pace. My mother tried coaxing her, but toddlers seem to have a mind of their own.

I want candies, mom!

Quiet down Kiara, we’ve already gotten stuff. But Kiara wants candies!

When mother chose to ignore her demand, Kiara started yelling and chanting.

CANDIES, CANDIES, CANDIES, CANDIES! I WANT CANDIES, MOM… NOW!

This earned mother and Kiara angry glares from the other shoppers. But Kiara was not affected by the glances coming her way and continued to irk mother until she had enough. She just had to discipline Kiara if she wished to accomplish the task at hand as soon as possible. All this walking around was wearing her down and the shrieks of Kiara were increasing with each minute, which was beginning to get on her nerves.

Mother held Kiara from her shoulders and shook her tiny frame vigorously, yelling, ENOUGH Kiara, I SAID NO AND THAT MEANS NO. The outrage succeeded in quieting down the demanding toddler as Kiara’s lips trembled upon mother’s outburst. While she deserved mother’s rage, she might have been too harsh. Regardless, neither of them could be blamed as they were both victims in their places. Kiara