Walking with a Limp: Thoughts of Hope for the Depressed & Discouraged

By Ezra Byer

“I’ve always loved the book of Genesis, where faith in the eternal, unchanging God of Abraham proves—paradoxically—to be more human than heroic. This is surely why I appreciate Ezra Byer’s exploration of the life of Jacob, whose story provides a window for examining his own seasons of doubt and depression. Mercifully, Ezra strips us of the illusion that faith will always be the swift, steady, sure climb. He reminds that we might cling to God—and still feel his absence. This is a book for the trenches—a book for building gritty, honest, ultimately resilient faith.”

– Jen Pollock Michel, Author of Surprised by Paradox and Keeping Place


“Walking with a Limp will point you to the sure sources of hope for the hopeless: The God of all hope and His word of hope. In it you’ll find practical help and encouragement to stay the course. You, like Jacob, can be a prince with God, an overcomer whose limp testifies to tenacious clinging to God.”
– Dr. Philip Brown, Author of A Reader’s Hebrew Bible

“In recent years, believers in Christ have become more transparent about the struggles we face with depression and mental illness. In this timely book, Ezra Byer contributes to this encouraging trend by inviting readers to re-read the ancient narrative of the Patriarch Jacob and encounter anew the God who heals and also sets apart his people for worship and service.”
– Dr. Edward Smither, Author of Mission in the Early Church and Christian Martyrdom

“When we suffer, we don’t need glib answers or easy truths. We need to hear from someone who knows what it’s like, can remind us of biblical truth, and point us to hope. That’s why I’m grateful that Ezra has written this honest, profound, and encouraging book. I can’t wait to read it again and to share it with others.”
– Darryl Dash, Author of How to Grow

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Dec 20, 2020
• ISBN: 9781664212947

Ezra Byer

Ezra Byer is the founder of themondaychristian.com, an online ministry that seeks to help people put into action the truth of God’s Word that they hear on Sunday to their everyday lives on Monday. He blogs regularly and hosts a weekly podcast where he brings on a wide range of Christian leaders to discuss topics that encourage Christians to grow in their faith. Ezra holds an MA in Practical Theology from Ohio Christian University and is working on a PhD in Philosophy from Columbia International University. Currently, Ezra lives with his wife and two kids in Nampa, Idaho.

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Copyright © 2021 Ezra Byer.

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This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

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Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-1295-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-1296-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-1294-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020922618

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/18/2020

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1 Walking with a Limp

Chapter 2 Stuck between Jabbok and a Hard Place

Chapter 3 No Soup for You!

Chapter 4 A Man Meets His Match

Chapter 5 Thirsting from Desperation

Chapter 6 Finding Our Jabbok

Chapter 7 The Greatest Wrestle

Chapter 8 Break before Blessing

Chapter 9 Pleading for the Blessing

Chapter 10 Name Change Time

Chapter 11 Living from Favor

Chapter 12 Relearning to Walk

Chapter 13 Preparing to Run

Chapter 14 Embracing the Punches

Chapter 15 Singing in the Darkness

Chapter 16 Waiting on God’s Promise

Chapter 17 Imagining the Impossible

Chapter 18 Living without Fear of Egypt

Chapter 19 Trading Bitterness for Joy

Chapter 20 Kissing the Future Goodbye

About the Author

Endnotes

Foreword

Deep, meaningful relationships are an endangered species in our culture. In an age of social media and meme sharing, it’s rare to have friends that skip superficial weather conversations and move to deeper things. Friends that sharpen and challenge, who both listen to advice and give it, who keep you accountable and keep personal confidence.

Ezra Byer (Ez to me) is one of these uncommon men in my life. He was a teenager when we met in Cincinnati, and we bonded quickly over our shared love of hockey. While almost always the most skilled person on the ice, Ezra was humble and possessed spiritual maturity beyond his years. I was always impressed that his competitiveness was balanced by graciousness, a quality I never shared with him in the early years of our friendship! We soon discovered similar family history, which explained why God in his wise providence brought us together. We get each other, and because of shared background experiences God has used Ezra frequently to give a word fitly spoken to me in difficult times. His words have weight and depth because I know him to be a man of integrity who loves God and his family. Our weekly Tuesday meetings over the past ten years have challenged me to grow in grace, and I’m grateful to have a friend who I can call anytime and talk about anything. When he talks, I listen.

I’ve seen Ezra and Janan walk the past few difficult years together. When the church they planted and poured their lives into closed in Toronto, I tried to be a good friend. I listened and attempted to offer up spiritual-sounding platitudes, but privately I doubted and questioned God along with my brother who was devastated. Lord, don’t you know this is one of your best followers? If anybody can handle success and blessings, it’s Ez and Janan. This doesn’t make sense. Except that God’s ways aren’t ours. Unlike our limited, dim view, God sees the full picture. And through Ezra’s difficulties, failure, and pain have come Spirit-led insight.

In the writing that follows, you will be taken on a journey through the life of Jacob, a man who experienced deep suffering (sometimes as a direct result of his own sin!), and one who also knew both the breaking and blessing of God. Ezra’s timely application of lessons learned from Jacob are profound but not preachy, and are delivered from a posture of humility, from another person who by God’s grace is embracing the limp.

As Ez points out, we all hurt but not everyone limps. But for those who embrace the limp, who turn from illusions of self-sufficiency to full dependence on Christ, a joy-filled life emerges. If you’re running from hurt without hope and have nobody to turn to, if the crushing weight of anxiety and your own expectations have sucked every last bit of joy from your life, Ezra wrote this book with you in mind. Throughout these pages are the clear message of Christ, who never promised a problem-free existence, but rather rest for our souls. I pray you find his peace in your dark places, and that in your brokenness you experience the blessing of God himself. He is Emmanuel, God with us.

Grace and peace,

David Hartkopf

Rom. 11:36

Introduction

Often it is in the difficult seasons of life we stumble upon some of the deepest truths of God. Everyone goes through make-or-break seasons, times when we are not sure we can take the next step. If life were a movie, we’d skip the scene and move on to better days. No more wars, viruses, or rain. But in our rush to arrive at scene two, we can miss what God is doing in us through the process.

As my friend Phil Brown likes to remind people, God is more interested in developing our character than he is in teaching us a lesson.¹ This truth frustrates me. Personally, I am a three-easy-steps type of person. Tell me something to do and let me do it so I can get on to what is next.

Sometimes I wish the hidden veil that cloaks life’s choices could be lifted so we could see the little connections and nuances we miss today: the whys behind why our best friend got that diagnosis, the hows behind his provision during a difficult season, and the whats he wants us to do in the present.

Several years ago, I went through an especially dark period as I struggled through a three-year battle with clinical depression. Going through seasons like this are tough. The struggle raises questions not easily answered, making us doubt ourselves and, more important, question how and what God is doing in the midst of the pain.

Hands down, the hardest part of the depression were the sleepless nights when I stared at the ceiling, wondering what God was doing and questioning if I would ever hear his voice again.

In retrospect, I see how God was shaping my character and using my limitations to make me rely on him. The more I think about it, God does this same process in different ways in everyone he loves. His goal is to free us from leaning on our own strength as we learn to depend more fully on him. Everyone’s journey is unique, but God’s aim is the same: less stubborn independence and more faithful dependence; less living in our own wisdom and more living out his character.

During my darker days, I studied the life of the Old Testament character Jacob. Initially, I found this story too familiar. I remembered it from church, undergraduate work, and speaking on it as a pastor. As is so often the case, I almost ignored the obvious in the midst of the familiar. But as I took a fresh look, his story came alive in new ways.

Anyone familiar with Jacob’s life knows parts of his character are to be admired, others scorned. But the overarching themes of his life are ones that should resonate with every person: the themes of manipulation, deceit, and wrestling. More than that, his life is a journey of surrender, as battle by battle God wears down Jacob’s defenses, transforming him into someone who would have a generational impact and leave a legacy that continues to this day.

The beauty of this ancient story is that it still offers fresh insights into how God is working today. It gives us hope that in our tough times, God is not finished with us. In our failures, he is working. And in our darkest nights, with our backs up against the wall, he is there, longing to be discovered and enjoyed.

Jacob’s life serves as an invaluable reminder that nothing in life is wasted. Even the darkest moments of our lives serve as fresh opportunities to experience the goodness of God. Through Jacob, we discover it is not the ones strong in themselves who prevail, but those who find victory through defeat. It is not the ones who run quickly that are triumphant, but those who walk with a limp.

CHAPTER 1

Walking with a Limp

The same night he arose and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. He took them and sent them across the stream, and everything else that he had. And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him.

—Genesis 32:22-25

I t’s dark. The moon is out. All he hears is the distant bleating of sheep and the trickle of water from the nearby stream. At ninety-seven years of age, Jacob has faced many tough nights, but this will be the hardest of them all.

He has a lot on his mind. He has narrowly escaped death at the hands of an angry uncle and now faces almost certain death at the hands of a brother who has sworn to kill him and, presumably, all of his family members as well.

His family and livestock have moved just beyond the nearby river while he lingers behind, either out of cowardice or in search of solitude. Why has his life come to this? Is this the end? Do the promises of God no longer apply to him? Will he have to stand by and watch as everyone he has ever loved is wiped off the face of this earth? All of these questions and more circle in his mind as he ponders what lies ahead.

Then out of the night a stranger appears, someone different than he has ever encountered before. And together they enter into what could be described as the great wrestling match of the ages—not because of the techniques used but for the passion and symbolism.

Hour after hour, neither figure is willing to concede an inch. Suddenly, a sharp pain shoots through our main character’s side as he realizes something is wrong. His hip is out of its socket.

And for the rest of his life, he will walk with a limp.

A Common Thread

A common thread weaves through every great man and woman of faith’s story—not one of personal accolades and accomplishment but one characterized by weakness. It is not the story of a person who walks with their shoulders straight and head held high, but the story of someone with a slight drag in their step, a limp.

I’m not speaking of an external characteristic or forced posture of outward humility, but of the true posture of one’s soul, the disposition of their spirit. While this quality is, perhaps, unrecognizable during an initial interaction, one cannot help but notice it the more closely one observes.

You can hear this quality in their voice when they speak of the faithfulness of God and notice it in their behavior in situations of conflict. It is present when they face uncertainty. Far from being some spiritual display of showmanship, their authenticity, which both old and new believers alike cannot help but admire, rings clear.

It is the limp of those who have not only done battle with the enemy of their soul but have also been crushed by the powerful hand of God.

The Pain of Limping

During her freshman year in college, my wife was attempting to dunk a basketball (you read that right) when she came down at an awkward angle. Immediately, pain shot through her left knee.

In the days that followed, she discovered she had a torn meniscus and ruptured ACL, meaning surgery was required. To date, she has had four knee surgeries, each painful and an ever-present reminder of human imperfection.

While she doesn’t walk with a noticeable limp, every step she takes carries a guarded awareness. She has to take precautions in virtually everything she does. Gone are the days of playing soccer (her favorite sport) and going on extended runs. Instead, she focuses on low impact workouts, like the elliptical, Pilates, and swimming.

The craziest things can set off the pain or cause a tear. We might be out on a walk when her knee twists ever so slightly the wrong way: instant pain. The worst is when her knee locks up and she can’t get it unlocked. This sometimes happens when she is kneeling down to pick something up and sits on the floor awkwardly. Her leg will be locked in a forty-five-degree angle, not allowing her to straighten back up.

Having gone through two of her four knee surgeries with her, I have learned to make major adjustments in what we do. Extended hikes or bike rides are out of the question.

If you have ever dealt with physical injuries of this nature, you know what I am talking about. Walking with any sort of limp changes your life.

Walking with a limp has a way of setting limits for you. It reminds you of your frailty and need for others. It sticks with you on cloudy and sunny days, reminding you that this world is not your final home.

Everyone Hurts, but Not Everyone Limps

Now, right from the get-go, I want to make a few things clear. Walking with a limp in a spiritual sense is not only about the experience of pain; it is also an invitation to develop the character of Christ through sharing in his suffering.

But this isn’t merely a book about people who go through hard times and use those hard times to better themselves. It is more of a labor of love, written to the person who is going through a dark season. The four pillars of God’s goodness, wisdom, faithfulness, and sovereignty are under attack in your life, leaving you with more questions than you have answers. I get it. I’ve been there.

Neither is it a how-to manual or a guide to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get your act together. Instead, this text will take you on a journey. It’s a journal of sorts, intended to make you reflect and take a deeper look at your life. In the process, I hope you’ll see the clouds of despair, which might be hovering overhead, lift.

Everyone in this world experiences some degree of pain. It’s what we do with this pain that defines who we will become.

Walking with a Limp Defined

I’ll admit it. Books with titles like this used to annoy me. I remember going to Christian conferences in my early twenties and listening to speakers talk to pastors and church leaders as though they were this broken lot on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And I remember thinking of those for whom this characterization might fit, Good grief! Get your act together! If you’d only be more disciplined and have better spiritual rhythms in place, you wouldn’t have all these issues! Ouch.

As much as I’d like to write this book to my twenty-year-old self and take out all of my misplaced blame on you, the reader, that route would likely be off-putting and disheartening. Badgering rarely works.

On the flip side, I do not want to write to you as though trials are in your rearview mirror. It sometimes miffs me a bit when I pick up a book by a Christian author who will only reflect on hard times they experienced ten or twenty years ago. True, they’ve gained perspective, but many have often lost empathy as they’re now on higher ground.

At my lowest moments, it was not the authors, speakers, and friends who spoke of philosophy or theory that I found helpful. It was those who opened up and shared their pain that helped me the most. Their words broke through the barriers and reached me in my isolation.