Torn Between Two Loves

By Beryl Spencer

TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVES is a journey through everyday life. It is about reality and heartache. Beryl Spencer was sexually abused as a child and violently raped as a teen; she felt rejected by those whom she should have been able to trust. What followed were teenage years of conflict and confusion, always trying to follow the Lord, and failing so many times. How could God allow this to happen? Beryl was chained in her mind to the event of the past and shame dictated her life- the enemy constantly trying to convince her that her life was worth nothing.
The day came when Beryl made a life-changing decision; she would no longer allow the past to define her future.
The key theme of this Book is that of ordinary people, leaders of their day, who were honest and real, admitted their faults. The Apostle Paul once grappled with the issues that so often the things he wanted to do to please the Lord, he did not do and the things he didn't want to do he did. Paul called himself a wretched man. This is a place we all relate to if we were truthful and honest with ourselves. It's real life, it's everyday life. How many times to we say hurtful words that we never intended to, or act in ways we never planned to do. King David expresses these feeling in many of the Psalms written by him.
This book will guide you some answers as Beryl openly shares her life experiences, her failures and victories.
Journey with Beryl as she uncovers the daily battles of life entwined in the truths of God's Word versus the battle-field of the mind. She discovers that many of the great leaders were just ordinary people; people that also faced a tug of war of the heart and the challenges of failing to do the things they should do. They loved, they hated, they fought against God but mostly returned and bowed the knee to the God who alone could lead them in a path of victory.
Beryl's passion for justice has seen her work with Governments to have Legislation amended to protect children. She actively campaigned to have the first ' grooming of children in the familial setting', introduced into Parliament in Queensland. It became law in 2009. Her story will inspire you and challenge you as you walk with the Lord.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Beryl Spencer
• Release date: Jun 24, 2016
• ISBN: 9780994551641

Beryl Spencer

Beryl Spencer Beryl has lived on the land most of her life and only lived away while completing her Nursing and working at a regional Hospital. Beryl and her husband live on the grazing property settled by the Spencer family in 1868 and have been happily married for 51 years. Beryl believes that marriage is a journey, firstly of commitment, then of living, loving and learning together. From grazing the family diversified into Commercial and small business where Beryl worked with her husband, and later assumed the role of managing the Farming and business interests. Their 4 children were raise on the property, Live and Let Live and there they also fostered 8 abused children and Beryl lead a youth group and worked with marginalised youth for many years. Beryl is Nanna to 11 grandchildren. Working with State and Federal Governments has been an opportunity to develop broad stakeholder networks. Beryl developed skills in facilitation & counselling and mentoring working in community to strengthen Communities and small businesses. Beryl’s strongly believes the ethos that strong families are an integral part of strong, resilient communities. Beryl’s has held various mentoring roles, and worked with a broad demography across communities. More recently Beryl focused on the needs of victims of child abuse and domestic violence, and the need for advocacy for changes in Legislation to underpin the safety of families and especially children. Her contacts within Governments have assisted Beryl to advocate and have Legislation amended 2009. This role of Advocacy became a place for Beryl to further hone her writing and expression skills as she compiled many submissions to Governments from her passion to protect children from abuse, particularly in the family home. Through the years, Beryl has loved to write and have stories and articles published. This desire to express ideas and passion started as a young when Beryl loved to write composition as school and received awards for her efforts. While the busy years of raising a family and caring for farm business didn’t allow much time for Beryl to pursue her love of writing, reading books and learning, she still made time to journal life experience and the truths she was learning. Beryl also is a speaker at meetings for Christian women, for Government and at Conferences (mostly rural) and has home published many booklets that became learning tools for her audiences. Now that the children are adults, Beryl has been able to follow her passion as Christian Author and advocate. 2014 saw the release of Beryl’s Book “AND There Came a Lion” through Westbow Press in US. This was a re-write of this book, firstly published in 1991. Beryl’s life was not always easy and at a very early age she experiences sexual abuse and later violent rape. Beryl felt rejected by those she ought to have been able to trust. What followed were teenage years of conflict and confusion, always trying to follow the Lord, and failing so many times. How could God allow this to happen? Beryl was chained in her mind to the events of the past and shame dictated her life- the enemy constantly trying to convince her that her life was worth nothing. The day came when Beryl made a life changing decision: she would no longer allow her past to define her future. Beryl’s latest book, “Torn Between 2 Loves” was recently released. Beryl’s passion in writing is to bring God’s word to life in a way that ordinary people will understand, and to express that the Word is real in today’s world and never changes. As Christians, we must live authentic lives. The lost are searching for reality. Jesus is so real. Life is full of chaos, challenges, and unexpected happenings, but in the midst of that there is joy and laughter for all who will allow Jesus to be the real Person in their lives.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

My young granddaughter (now adult) and I curled up together on the lounge. We were watching her favourite video, Pocahontas . Her life is real, not a fable, although the Disney film may make it look that way. Pocahontas was a real American Indian princess who saved the life of an Englishman, John Smith. She became a Christian and later married an Englishman, Thomas Rolfe. They moved to England and her grave is in the Church of England churchyard in Gravesend.

Not sure how many times that we watched this video but I didn’t really mind as it meant I could spend time with my oldest grandchild and the story had a number of valuable truths and wise statements. At times we would stop at a certain scene and discuss the issues. In one particular scene, Pocahontas is taken to a place where a stream branched into two directions. One way was a nice stream with plenty of water flowing smoothly along and flowers on the banks; it made a beautiful scene. The other was a stream that ran over pebbles, boulders and rapids and was in places, very narrow and fast flowing. It looked somewhat treacherous. It was here that Pocahontas was challenged about her future. I remember the Holy Spirit challenging me,

Which way would you choose? I sat for a while and thought about both ways then I said, somewhat hesitantly,

Lord, well I guess I would take the one with the boulders and rapids.

Even as I spoke those words, the thought also came, ‘Why did you say that?’

Pocahontas chose the same way; this way for her was the challenge of life or death.

In the years since, the Holy Spirit has reminded me from time to time of my choice. Oh, I’m not sorry about that choice as I have come to know that it is in the difficult times when we are seemingly headed for a boulder, or rushed over a breath-taking rapid, only to land in deep turbid waters, that we can know Him more and more intimately. Then we learn to trust Him that every time we will land in the safety of His arms, and in His Presence.

At times we may feel as if we are drowning and gasping for breath but then we come to an open place again. He is there and He has been all the time. David spoke the words:

O my God, my soul is in despair within me; Therefore, I remember You from the land of the Jordan And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep as the sound of waterfalls; All your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me (Psalm 42:6-7, New International Version (NIV)).

This is exactly how we feel at times.

"So why this title of this book, ‘Torn between 2 Loves’ you may ask?

Some time ago I was in the midst of a deep struggle. I had said, ‘Yes, Lord’ In my heart. I wanted so much to obey Him. The words had hardly left my mouth when I received a challenge on another issue from someone very close to me. I responded in a less than loving way. I apologised but I was plunged into a war of thoughts and challenges, and I wondered for a moment what it was all about. Why did I say those words? It wasn’t a serious matter, but I was plagued by thoughts of my failure. My own actions were not pleasing to me. The voice of condemnation kept reminding me and I really felt torn about the whole situation. Finally, I went to the Lord, repented, spent some time with Him and that was that.

It was when this experience was fresh in my heart that I awoke one night with the words, ‘Torn Between 2 Lovers’1. These are the words of an old song from my teenage years that I haven’t given thought to in many a long year, but they kept coming to me. So I prayed and asked God what this was all about and I had the strong impression that He wanted me to write down my thoughts as He would give me into a book. Not sure that I felt like a keen starter, but it was one of those times I knew I had to step out on the water and obey. I do love to study the Word, listen to the Holy Spirit and write; it is just the publishing that is hard work! So it was a clear Yes, Lord.

That started quite a journey. I had been reading from Romans where Paul discusses the law, sin, and righteousness and then deals with this issue that I had felt so often plagued me: that of being torn between two loves and trying to choose what was the right thing to do. So often I seem to end up doing or saying what was wrong. There I found that Paul had expressed these same challenges:

‘I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do’ (Romans 7:15, New King James Version ( NIV)).

I felt I was in good company. So over the next few weeks I read and reread those chapters and had another look at Paul’s life. It seemed he was so authentic and real about addressing life issues. What’s more, Paul loved the Lord intensely and was willing to pay the price and follow Jesus. God was giving me fresh insight on this journey through His Word.

Just as with temptation, this challenge is common to man. Sooner or later, if we are honest, we do face issues of being torn between two loves in everyday life. This challenge is that of doing what we don’t want to do and about choosing. In the midst of the battle we are torn, as we so desire to please God but we end up pleasing our flesh or trying to please other demands on our lives BUT we CANNOT please God and man.

At the very centre of these life struggles, Paul gives instructions. He explains how he feels and goes on to say that we need to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. In one of the chapters of this book we will discuss this in detail. Paul tells us that if we are ‘in Christ,’ we don’t live by the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit. This is because Jesus freed us from the law of sin and death when He sacrificed His life on the Cross of Calvary. Jesus has deprived the law of its power for all who accept His sacrifice. Paul calls us to accept this truth and to be controlled by the Holy Spirit.

In Galatians 5, Paul again addresses this issue of being ‘torn between two loves,’ or between the desires of the flesh that are opposed to the Holy Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit that are opposed to godless human nature. Further in Galatians Paul expresses even more strongly that these two are antagonistic to each other, continually withstanding and in conflict with each other, so that you are not free but prevented from doing what you desire to do. Here, Paul goes on to list the fruit of godless humanity and the fruit of the Spirit.

As we journey together, we will look at some Old Testament examples in Books called the Books of Poetry. Though these are far from what we consider poetry ‘in our culture,’ they’re fine for the Jews, who understand this kind of poetry. This grouping simply denotes (relates to) the way in which they are written rather than the content. In fact these Books carry and teach the ways of life that are chosen by God; two are Psalms and Proverbs.

The Psalmist (David is not the only Psalmist who composed the Psalms) carried the warfare between two loves very clearly, as where David wrote of his dance between what was right to do and not do, and we hear his deep soul cry as he came to God in repentance. He frequently describes this deep conflict and the desperate need of his soul. This is taken up by Paul, as he expresses in Romans:

‘O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?’ ( 7:24-25 (NKJV).

In Proverbs we also find this battle between the two loves. They are addressed as Lady Wisdom and Madame Folly and are written in the female context. Yes, this same issue challenges us and perhaps more so. When we come back to God, we find His marvellous Grace is a balm that runs like oil over our whole being, bringing healing to the wretched souls that we are. His marvellous Grace flows so freely from the Cross of Calvary. As we choose God’s ways over our desires, our pain over pleasure, we grow towards maturity. Whenever we go forward in what God has called us to do we will find many adversaries as Paul warns us. We will also find the wonderful promises that even in the midst of adversities, trials and everyday life, He will never, never leave us, no not ever!

Being a Christian does not exempt us from temptation. Sin is not dead in our flesh. We do not have to yield to it, but we are challenged by it. It’s all about choosing. We need to remember that we are in warfare and that we need to fight and win our personal spiritual wars.

This book is about life’s pilgrimage, which is not a sprint but a long distance race. It winds through the hills and valleys and encounters many challenges, all of which are meant to be places of learning and victory. Paul’s life certainly was a difficult one, he was imprisoned, stretched to where it felt as if death itself would take him, he had what he called ‘a thorn in the flesh,’ he despaired for some of the Christians and their attitudes, but still he chose the Way of the Cross.

We find throughout the Old Testament, that although many of the leaders failed, and were torn and troubled by their failures, they came to repentance and turned back to follow the ways of God. Paul remained faithful to his beloved Lord and shared so much of his life of living authentically. Life is not always a bed of roses. At times it is a long, hard journey, there is fun, there is chaos, but there is also joy in His presence and victory in knowing Him through all these things. Christianity is marvellous, amazing, wonderful, challenging AND life-changing when we make Jesus Lord of our lives.

In the back of this book you will find a section called: ‘Your Upgrades are Waiting.’ This is an overview of each of the chapters with key Scriptures and suggestions for prayer, study and meditation. In the first chapter I will share some of these joys, challenges, and sometimes chaos in my own life. I hope you enjoy the journey with me, as I touch base with you along the way.

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1 "Torn Between Two Lovers is a pop song written by Peter Yarrow (of the folk music trio Peter, Paul & Mary) and Phillip Jarrell. The song describes a love triangle and laments that loving both of you is breaking all the rules". Yarrow originally intended the song to be sung by a man but it was ultimately made famous by a woman, Mary MacGregor, who recorded it at Muscle Shoals Sound Studio in 1976. The song became the title track of MacGregor’s first album

chapter one

ENCOUNTERS WITH JESUS

This is a story of reality, ‘warts and all’. I trust in this first chapter, I will be able to connect with you, my readers, through sharing my life’s struggles and victories. It is all about choosing to follow the way of the Cross, alongside battling with life’s issues and being torn between two loves. My story is about my not always choosing what was right to do. So often I failed and felt a failure and was tempted to give up. I needed to learn the power of forgiveness and that temptation in itself is not sin; it is common to all humanity, and it is only when we yield to it that we allow sin to enter.

I share this story as one who has failed God and myself and made mistakes. I relate very much to the lives of the people I write about in this book. I certainly don’t tell some of this with any pride, but rather, I have bared my heart and become vulnerable and honest, in the hope that my story, my life, might encourage others to find new hope from God’s Word. I am very much still on a journey, either till Jesus comes back, or I go to meet Him when He comes. The truth is that life is real, full of chaos, challenges, tears and laughter, sadness and weeping, pain and suffering, and the beauty of His Presence that brings Hope and Joy.

My Story

On 14 July 1958, I ran to the front of a building in a Billy Graham crusade ‘Souls in Conflict’. I remember that building so well, the place I sat and the conflict within that I felt.

I was a young teen searching for answers and searching for rescue. I had been sexually abused as a young girl. From that time my life had been changed. I felt shame and insecurity and was sure I was no longer good enough. My life had been spoiled and as a teen I felt I needed to be rescued. I was drowning in my past and I needed someone to care.

That Crusade was a night I will never forget. I was glued to the screen for the showing of a movie but I was also chained to my seat, or it felt like that anyway. Oh, I needed this Jesus they talked about, but I couldn’t move. Then suddenly I almost leapt from my chair, loosed from the chains (most likely in answer to my sister’s prayer), I literally ran down to the front and there repented of my past life and asked Jesus to be my Lord. Peace, marvellous peace and relief flooded over me.

I was given a number of studies to do and connected with a counsellor. I was excited that I had become a Christian, but no one and nothing prepared me for the future. A couple of days later I went home and felt impelled to tell Mum about my amazing experience. Dear Mum was kind and gave me her old Bible from her teaching days and her old Concordance that to this day I treasure. I still have the Bible too; all held together with tape, pages written all over and many covered in tears.

Then my Mum had to go to hospital for surgery and it was decided I would stay at home and help the family. We were a family of 11 siblings (two had left home by then). That was when my life changed. I was violently attacked and raped by a man I so trusted. I barely escaped. As I fought off my attacker, I cried out to the God I hardly knew, the God I had trusted my life to, for the strength to escape, and I was released.

Well, if I was confused before I was saved, I was in shock and confusion now. How could this God I had just come to know allow such a thing to happen? So began my teen years, struggling with becoming what my religious friends thought I should be and what I seemed to fail endlessly to do. What I wanted to do I didn’t and what I didn’t want to do I did. Yes, I had fallen in love with Jesus, was still infatuated, caught up in worldly things, and trying to conform. Torn between love for Jesus, the awful pain, shame and insecurity I felt, and the desire to please Him and the struggle to do just that, I searched for love but real love never came. I was torn between two loves and seem to swing easily from trying to live the right way, failing and trying again! In hindsight, it was through those years that my favourite artist, Connie Francis, sang the song ‘Torn Between 2 Lovers’; a love tryst that I understood. Though this song was about a human relationship, an emotional struggle, the words were very real to me in my spiritual battle.

Yes, I broke free of the chains that bound me to my seat that night at the Crusade and ran to the front of the meeting, but little did I realise that I was still chained to the past in my own mind. I didn’t yet know that I must die daily to the past and not listen to the voice that still claimed my life. I hadn’t yet learned that my past was nailed to the Cross, with my Saviour. I was forever seeking rescue, when it was a relationship with my Lord that I really needed.

My newfound Christian friends seemed to be rather ‘critical’. Somehow I couldn’t live to their standards of do’s and don’ts. No matter how I tried, I just could not conform to their ways. You didn’t wear make-up, you wore certain clothes and you could only mix with certain people and you had to look ‘religious’.