In Search of the Lost Chord: Recovery from Alcoholism and Drug Addiction

By Gavin D

In this book I will take you on a very emotional and sometimes dark journey. I will share what my life was like before I drank and used drugs. What I became like when I was using and more importantly the road to my recovery.
For many years I failed to stay sober until one day I woke up and didn’t want to be alive anymore.
I was spiritually lost and broken; I was a very lonely man when I took my last alcoholic beverage.
Although I had much to live for, I welcomed an end to the pain and suffering I was causing myself and family.
The people in ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ were patient and tolerant. They loved me when I had no love to give, and held me as I picked up the pieces of my life.
On my search I found a higher power, a spiritual home and just as important I found freedom from self.
I enjoy sobriety today because I keep my recovery simple. I refrain from taking the first drink of alcohol, simple, yet very effective.
It is a wonderful gift to help others recover from this insidious dis-ease called alcoholism.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press UK
• Release date: Oct 27, 2020
• ISBN: 9781982282219

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Copyright © 2020 Gavin D.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

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Scriptures marked NIV are taken from the NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION (NIV):

Scripture taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION ®.

Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™. Used by permission of Zondervan

ISBN: 978-1-9822-8220-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-8222-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-8221-9 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 10/27/2020

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Childhood Memories

Chapter 2 My First Drink and First Blackout

Chapter 3 Born to be an Alcoholic

Chapter 4 The birth of ego

Chapter 5 Take a Walk on the Wild Side

Chapter 6 Fresh Air - the Medicine of the Gods

Chapter 7 The Child Within

Chapter 8 The Fall - Re-entering a Pattern of Thinking

Chapter 9 The Darkness Descends

Chapter 10 So Many Partings

Chapter 11 You’ll Never Scratch an Auld Head

Chapter 12 Recovery

Chapter 13 Heaven’s Calling Eternal Love

Chapter 14 Into the Mystic

Chapter 15 The Sun Machine is Coming Down

Chapter 16 Midnight Owls

Chapter 17 Multi-dimensional Dreamscape Healing – Working in Spirit

Chapter 18 Orbs of Light

Chapter 19 The Frequency of Love - Pass it on

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‘THE A.A. RESPONSIBILITY DECLARATION’

I am Responsible.

When Anyone, Anywhere

Reaches Out For Help,

I Want The Hand Of A.A.

Always To Be There.

And For That,

I Am Responsible !

Copyright, © Alcoholics Anonymous

Introduction

My name is Gavin D, and I am an alcoholic. It is good to be alive today. For I have a daily reprieve from the illness that nearly destroyed my life. I no longer suffer the torment of alcohol; I am free from the ‘Insidious illness’ known as alcoholism.

Before I go on and share my ‘Experience, Strength and Hope’ with you, let me introduce you to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, followed by some valuable tips that helped me in my early recovery. The ‘Preamble’ that follows tells of what Alcoholics Anonymous is and, just as importantly, what it is not.

A.A. Preamble.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

 Alcoholics Anonymous 1947

I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in the autumn of 1987, at the ripe old age of 18. Yes, I was but a child. After many years of torment, my last drink of alcohol was in 2009.

For 22 years I came in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous, and yet could not stay sober. I would stay away from alcohol for days, weeks and even months, but I would always pick up that first drink of alcohol before I managed a year sober. The most important words I bring to you in this book are not of my story, but the AA literature that I share.

These extracts, along with my own ‘Higher Power’, and the fellowship of people in Alcoholics Anonymous, truly saved my life. No matter how much will power I tried to use, I could not stop using alcohol and drugs. I was powerless over these mind-altering chemicals and my life was totally unmanageable.

First and foremost let me ask the reader not to judge Alcoholics Anonymous on what I say in this book. This is the story of my personal journey. There are countless others in the Fellowship who have recovered from this illness having had different experiences and recoveries to share. Believe me, there is a screw to fit every nut in Alcoholics Anonymous. ‘Give time time’ and you will eventually hear your own life story being told, from the heart, during someone else’s share; this is what we term, ‘identification’.

By identifying with other AA member’s experiences, we inevitably find out if we are an alcoholic or not. You will hear others who have experienced darker things than you have and yet still recovered from this dis-ease.

Depending on your physical and mental state, you may initially need to speak to your doctor about coming off alcohol or drugs. If you do speak to your doctor, be honest about what you are on and how much you have been using. And, of course, tell them of your intention to attend the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous as part of your support network. Sometimes an AA member will, if asked, go down to the doctor’s surgery with the newcomer. In some areas there are AA members who go out of their way to do this type of work, voluntarily, and these guys usually have a good reputation with local surgeries and rehab clinics. Most doctors can help with the withdrawal symptoms and your general health in the first few months of recovery.

I had tried a number of ways to stop drinking, but I was fooling myself, although I didn’t know that at the time. I was looking to find an easier, softer way other than total abstinence. There is no easy road to recovery, and, believe me, I’ve tried most of them!

As ridiculous as this sounds, I tried most ways to stop drinking alcohol after hearing about them not working for others in the fellowship of AA. What I am saying is I’ve been in a few alcohol and drug rehabs over the years because I heard other people talking about them. These clinics didn’t get me off the booze or drugs either.

I have seen an alcohol councillor and even tried to count the units of alcohol that I took. But, to tell you the truth, I didn’t put in much effort because I couldn’t drink enough units to get drunk!

I also remember many years ago being prescribed a drug to help me stop drinking. This drug causes an allergic reaction if alcohol is then taken. I was warned that this drug could cause serious damage if I mixed it with alcohol. I took one glass of wine while using this drug and thought for a while that I was going to end up in hospital. God, it was horrible! I was burning alive from the inside out, and it lasted for hours. I felt as though my blood was boiling and I came out in a severe rash all over my body.

I stopped taking those tablets that same day after that fright, so that I could have a drink a few days later. I took those tablets to stop drinking and stopped taking them so I could have a drink. Crazy!

Although the methods I’ve mentioned didn’t work for me, I do have friends who are sober today because they got the help they needed from the treatment clinics they attended and the aforementioned drug. No matter what I did or how hard I tried to get sober over the years I did not stop drinking until I had reached my personal gutter. Nothing, absolutely nothing, stopped me from drinking and taking drugs, until my pain was so great I did not want to live anymore. And, believe me, I honestly believed that every time I came back into the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I was finished with alcohol. How wrong I was, and how blind I was. ‘Cunning, baffling and powerful’ is this dis-ease to those afflicted by it. In the end, after 22 years of torture, I found out that this illness had me completely fooled.

Over time I found a ‘Higher Power’ in the Fellowship. I had also gone through the 12 Step Programme a couple of times, believing I was missing out on something that, in turn, kept me returning to alcohol. Many people during these years tried to help me. Some had suggested that I wasn’t admitting to the fact that I had a problem with alcohol and that I was in denial, and that I could not accept my illness. Others suggested I was not going through the programme properly and I was not sharing something that was hidden deep within me. There were many suggestions such as these that I looked at over the years. Most of these ideas I did eventually take on board and tried to work into my life. But I just could not stop drinking and taking drugs.

All my life I’ve been addicted to drugs in one form or another. My drug of choice was alcohol, the drug I always returned to. Let me also add that it was alcohol that did the most damage to my family and me. To make any sense of my illness I had to separate my alcoholism from my drug abuse. Both come with a powerful mental obsession and both have a physical withdrawal, but only alcohol has the ‘phenomenon of craving’ attached to it. I will explain this phenomenon, or what is called the physical allergy of this dis-ease, later on.

Not one is above or below the other to me. Alcohol and drugs both caused big problems throughout my life. This being said, alcohol was always a precursor to taking other addictive drugs, especially in later life. In my youth I would have taken anything for a hit or to feel part of the crowd that I hung about with. Looking back I would say it was an ego thing, although in my adult years I took alcohol and hard drugs as an escape from reality and the hell that I had created around me.

As you will hear in my share, my life could have been altogether different and even ended horribly on a number of occasions. The life I have today I owe to the ‘Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous’, the ‘Programme of Action’ contained within it, and my ‘Higher Power’. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because of my drinking and stayed for my thinking, and the service I could give back.

I am sober today because I was shown a better way of life. I was given a simple spiritual programme to follow, through the love of the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. These people didn’t judge or condemn me when I failed to stay sober. They were patient, compassionate and very tolerant with me. Over the years many good people have helped me and I’ll be forever grateful. I show my gratitude by attending meetings on a regular basis and passing on what was freely passed on to me … love.

When at first we come into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous we hear a lot of people sharing their personal journey. As newcomers some of us say, ‘Well I haven’t done this or that’, or ‘I was not as bad as him or her’. Your personal gutter is your gutter, how bad do you want it to get? There is no such thing as a small or partial alcoholic. We are all the same in AA; we just had different paths to get here, some rougher than others.

We are the fortunate ones to have found the Fellowship; sadly, others never get the chance. Over the years I have had the displeasure of taking people from meetings into the psychiatric ward in our local hospital because of their desperate mental state. I’ve also collected people and brought them to meetings from these wards.

Each person who takes on the responsibility of helping others in Alcoholics Anonymous will have their own way of doing things; there is no right way or wrong way. If someone has what you feel to be good sobriety and has a reasonable period of abstinence from alcohol behind them, then this person could possibly help with your recovery.

In days gone by, a great many people recovered from this illness through the example of others. Some of the old-timers had very little writing or reading skills in the early years of the Fellowship. The AA programme was passed on to these people through love. In this same simple manner I hope to pass it on to you. I may be able to talk about a good programme but if I’m not trying to work it into my life on a daily basis then I am useless to myself and others. This will show in my attitude on a moment to moment basis. I have heard that some people, after going through the programme, can be so heavenly blessed that they are no earthly good. But even these people have their place in AA.

If you like what someone does and how they do things in the Fellowship, then hang about with them for a while, get to know them. Pick up some of the ways they go about their life in AA, and of their life in general. ‘Learn to listen and listen to learn.’ What I am saying here is to pick someone you get on with and stick to them like glue. Don’t be an outsider. Get involved in a group and help out where necessary.

There are a few simple suggestions that are frequently given to the newcomer to help and guide them on their road through the first year of recovery. ‘Don’t get too tired… Don’t get too hungry… Don’t get too lonely… Don’t get too thirsty.’ Our mental defences against taking the first drink are weak when we have an imbalance in any of these areas. I was also told to carry one or two boiled sweets with me and to take one if ever I got the urge for a drink of alcohol. The sugar helps reduce the mental obsession or, in other words, the want of a drink. It was also suggested to me to stop going to places where alcohol and drugs were present. This also means I had to avoid the shops and the areas where I bought my booze and drugs from. I had to let go of the friends I drank with and replace them with sober company.

I kept myself busy, especially in the first year. I was told if I have shoes that need polishing, polish them. And if there is nothing else to do after this, polish them again. Go for a bath. Go out and work in the garden. Take a walk in the countryside. Sit in a park, and visit AA friends. We must keep ourselves busy in the first few months of recovery.

When keeping busy, we must also be careful not to pick up any other addictions, such as over-eating, gambling, sex, shopping or any other activities we take pleasure in. Many of us alcoholics have a very addictive personality. Another addiction, no matter how small, will veil the truth from us, as I know only too well. We should try to find a balance in all of the things we undertake in our lives. When a semblance of balance has been achieved we start to, ‘Free our minds from mental slavery’. We begin to live joyously, happy and free.

Finding some degree of balance in your daily life will make your recovery a little more comfortable and easier to keep a hold of. Keep it simple. Add a couple of daily routines and try to stick to them. For example, walking the dog, if you have one, at set times. Eat a healthy breakfast and dinner, and eat less before bed. Taking 20 minutes quiet time at some point to reflect on your day is another great way to restore balance in your life. I found that the best time for me to look over my day was in the evening, just before I go to bed.

Do not put off until tomorrow that which you can do today, is also a good way to bring balance to our lives. For instance, it was always going to be tomorrow when I was going to be working in the garden or decorating the house and fixing the water tap - but tomorrow never came. I am so grateful that God in his wisdom gave me a practical wife who can fix things, or nothing would ever have got sorted around here!

Seriously though, procrastination can be a big problem for most alcoholics. We are full of good intentions when we have a drink in us, but when we wake up hung over and not feeling too great, the last thing we want to be doing is taking the kids to the swimming pool as we had promised. Or, worse still, taking them to a swing park full of other children running about shouting and screaming. All I wanted to do when I was hung over was lie under my bedcovers and die. I was riddled with guilt and remorse because I would always be breaking promises.

You will be advised to attend as many AA meetings as possible. If you can go every night, then go. This will make your recovery far easier and you will meet many good people. You will probably be given phone numbers too, from people who wish to help. Use them!

It was suggested to me to ‘keep things simple’. This was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I’m a perfectionist and everything in my life I took way beyond its limits. I was not content unless I found out everything there was to know about whatever I was involved in, like drinking, drugs, gardening and spiritual stuff.

Everything I found interest in I took to excess and Alcoholics Anonymous was another addiction I took on board. Of course this was a healthy obsession to have in the beginning of my recovery.

I learnt much about the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous through AA literature, the ‘Big Book’ being the main text of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big book is a recovery book, and the 12 step recovery programme is set down on the first 164 pages of this book. This is what built the fellowship of people in Alcoholics Anonymous. There would be no fellowship without this recovery book!

After a time we need to find balance in this area too. I did not get sober to spend my life in the meeting rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous but to do the things in life that I always wanted to do but never could.

I attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings at least once or twice a week now to maintain my own sobriety and give back what was freely given to me. If my ‘Higher Power’ puts a newcomer on my path then they become my priority. I take them to meetings for the first few months or as long as it takes to help them on their road to recovery.

Anyone with an honest desire to stop drinking and change their way of life can recover from alcoholism. The pains and the joys you will go through on your road to recovery in the early years will be a gift you will help others with throughout your life.

The only way to find out if you suffer from this dis-ease is to attend as many meetings as you can and most importantly don’t pick up that first fatal drink of alcohol. One drink is far too many for us and twenty is not enough. My mother would often say to me, ‘as soon as you got the taste for it you were off and running.’

If you can identify with some of the crazy things I’ve done over the years that I share in this book, you may be an alcoholic, but just the same you may not be. You choose!

We have a saying around Alcoholics Anonymous that if you have not experienced something that someone else shares, then this is a ‘YET’. This is something we have not experienced in our personal life yet! Although, if we continue to drink, these things other people have experienced become distinct possibilities for us in our own lives. I am living proof of this fact. Most of what I experienced over the years I had already been told about in the Fellowship. I should have learnt from the wisdom of others, but I just couldn’t stay away from that first drink of alcohol. What was I missing? What was I not doing properly? Or, in other words, what was I doing wrong that was causing me not to stay sober and get my life sorted out?

This book was written from my heart and my own personal experiences. I will share with you in a general but honest, open way, what my life was like before, during and after alcohol.

The later part of this book I speak about my recovery. I share a lot about the paranormal and spiritual experiences I have had the pleasure of witnessing