Lost and Found: How to Get Your Soul Back: A Story of Redemption

By Natasha Tamara

Lost, confused, and disoriented. Natasha had to figure out where to go and what to do. This book is the journey of how she was able to overcome several life challenges. It’s a brave, real, raw look at a woman’s life beneath the surface. This book shows the practical and spiritual steps that she took, and that you too can take to recover and overcome the devastating experiences that happen to us all.

This is also a book about relationships. Relationship with self, friends, family, significant others and God and how they are all interrelated and interconnected. In this book, you will see a very young, fragile woman navigate these different types of relationships and develop into a strong, mature, confident woman. You will see her go through the highs and lows of many situations and eventually triumph and excel through many unexpected turns of events.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 28, 2020
• ISBN: 9781973659426

Natasha Tamara

Natasha Tamara has been an educator for over a decade. Her guiding motto is to work with students where they are and guide them to all they can be. She has worked in several districts and is known for her passion and her relationships with students. Natasha has a Bachelor’s degree and two Master’s degrees in Education. Natasha is also a member of her local church. She was licensed as a minister after completing three years of ministry training. She faithfully serves there and periodically preaches and teaches the Gospel. Natasha truly has a heart for serving others. She founded and leads a ministry through her church. It is an outreach ministry that has been serving the community for over five years through different soup kitchens and facilities. This is Natasha’s first endeavor into writing. She feels her story will resonate with women especially those who are hurting and or have been hurt by the storms of life. Natasha loves the Lord and she vows to fearlessly step into all He has called her to be.

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Copyright © 2020 Natasha Tamara.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-5941-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-5943-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-5942-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019904384

WestBow Press rev. date: 01/27/2020

Dedicated to

the best family I always had.

And

My dear friend S.T., Rest in Peace (RIP)

Lost and Found:

How to get your soul back

A story of redemption

I overcome by the blood of the lamb and by the word of my testimony. (Revelation 12:11)

And he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12a, KJV)

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound. (Isaiah 61:1, KJV)

Introduction

Have you ever gotten to a place where you were so lost that when you finally ‘came to’, you had no idea how you had gotten there or what had really happened? My story begins in that place.

I had started ok, I thought. Growing up had been tough but I had made something of myself despite my family life. I had somewhat of an awareness of myself. I knew I hadn’t escaped my childhood unscathed; I knew I had some scars, some trust issues, some intimacy issues, some fears but I was ok, right?

I had graduated from high school, college, and graduate school. I didn’t really drink, I had never smoked, and I wasn’t promiscuous. After college, I had even started going back to church. I was a ‘good girl.’ I made it through all my challenges, why couldn’t everyone else? I was arrogant, almost.

I turned up my nose at ‘those girls’. ‘Those girls’ who got pregnant before they got married, ‘those girls’ who had abortions, who were in abusive relationships, who just couldn’t seem to get their lives together.

But something sinister was at work. My life was slowly starting to unravel unbeknownst to me. One traumatic event sent me over the edge. An edge I had already been closely teetering on the edge of. When I finally came up from the abyss four years later, gasping for air, I realized I had totally lost who I was somewhere along the way. I realized I was no longer the ‘good girl’ I had professed to be I had become one of ‘those girls’. I was utterly lost and my fragile sense of self shattered. I somehow had to figure out how I had gotten there and how to pick up all the pieces of my life. In the process, I found so much more.

This book chronicles a three-year period of my life and many different seasons. How I went from rock bottom to the mountain top. How I went from despair to redeemed. How I went from exploited and abused to powerful. How I went from lost to found. How I went from broken to healed. And how you too can get it all back. It’s a story about real life, my life. It’s a story about love, true love. It’s a story about how I got it all back, my life, my heart, my soul, my family. It’s a story that’s unbelievable at times, sad at times and joyous in other moments.

This is my story, my truth. I truly believe there are parts in here that are true for so many women. Women just like me. The things we deal with but don’t always talk about. The things we keep inside for fear of exposure. The fears, the insecurities that we don’t want to face.

There are so many people, places, and things in my life that have helped form the woman I am today. I am so thankful. I am thankful for all the people God placed in my life, the good and the bad. They have helped shape this story and helped to shape me, a woman I can be proud of.

Natasha

* There is acknowledgement that the recollection of all events is from the memories and perspective of Natasha Tamara. While all the stories are true, some situations, details and names have been changed to protect the privacy of others.

Table of Contents

Year 1

Late Summer, Awakening

Fall, Rebirth

Late Fall, Winter, New Beginnings

Spring, Victory

Summer, Evidence

Year 2

Fall, My Season

Winter, Ministry

Spring, I Got My Soul Back, Ya’ll!

Summer, The Shift

Fall, Thorn in my side

Year 3

Winter, Stretching

Spring, Strange Instructions

Summer, Battle Plan

Fall and Early Winter, Strength and Victory

Epilouge

Epilogue: The Great Beyond:

Year 1

Late Summer

Awakening

In August, I returned to my hometown to attend a wedding with my friend, Sara. I had recently moved out of state and down to North Carolina. My reason for being back in town was two-fold. To clean out my old office since I had recently fully committed to my move down south and to attend the wedding. At the wedding, I saw Angie. She and I had initially met about seven years ago at my former church. Even though I no longer went there, I still considered her a friend, even though we probably connected with each other about once a year. She was one of those friends that no matter how long you haven’t seen each other, you pick right back up where you left off.

I missed Angie, so after the wedding I wanted to see what she was doing so we could talk or catch up. She said she was going to the bank to deposit some money, great. I asked if I could ride along. Angie and I got to talking. I told her all about my move. How I had decided to move with Nancy, a friend of a friend who was from out of state. I had only known Nancy, for a few months. We both wanted to move away from the area for a new beginning, new people, new friends, and new parties. Well, that quickly fell apart as soon as I got to North Carolina. We both had been looking for jobs down there, but Nancy found one first and had moved a few months earlier. The plan was that I was going to continue to look and hopefully I would find one before the school year ended. While she was down there her job was to look for a place for us to live together. In the interim, she was staying with a family member who lived in the area.

Between the time she moved down and the time I planned to come, Nancy and I talked constantly. She would email me listings and pictures from Craigslist about different apartments for rent in North Carolina. I even flew down to take a look at one of the houses we could potentially rent and filled out the paperwork. It seemed the main issue the landlords had was that I was a ‘phantom’ tenant who still lived and worked in another state and I had not found a job in the area yet. So, we went back and forth for months filling out applications for several apartments with nothing working out in our favor. So, as the time began to wind down without me having a job. We came up with a brilliant plan: Have my boyfriend help me out.

It made sense. He also happened to be relocating to the Charlotte area, the same time I was. It seemed like fate. He was moving his company out of his hometown and moving it down to the area as well. It was the end of June by this time and time was really running out. I worked for a school system and I had just finished and was going to be off for the summer. Nancy had found us another place. She forwarded me the paperwork I needed to fill out.

That place eventually fell through also. By this time, it was already July. We had planned to go to the Bahamas together with another one of my friends, Amy. My ticket was from North Carolina since I had planned to be there by that time. I was still out of state and we had nowhere to live together as roommates. At the last minute, Nancy arranged a living situation for us. Her friend would rent us his attic for several hundred dollars apiece. He didn’t live in the heart of the city like we had initially planned but we were desperate.

Right then I had a choice to make. Take a chance and go for it. My furniture was already in storage. Move down with a few clothes and check it out after our trip to the Bahamas. Throw caution to the wind with no job and no guarantees or return back home and continue to look for a job in the area from there. I decided to stay since Nancy was already down there waiting for me. My boyfriend was going to be moving down there as well. And plus, I didn’t have to fully commit. I was off for the summer, so I could spend that summer down south job hunting. I was sure I would find a job way before August when I either needed to return or give my current job a two weeks’ notice.

My boyfriend, Vincent, was still in his hometown near me at that time and saw time after time all our apartment prospects falling through. He had been in negotiations looking for a space to relocate his business but hadn’t found a place to live yet. Around the same time, I was wondering where I was going to live, he found a huge house to rent right outside of Charlotte. He wanted me to stay there with him instead of moving with Nancy. It was a generous offer. I told him I wasn’t sure, I was hesitant. I had never lived with a boyfriend before; I wasn’t really into ‘shacking up’.

I had a lot to think about. The day before we were supposed to be flying out for the Bahamas, I packed up my car with some clothes and some personal belongings and headed to North Carolina to meet up with Nancy at her friend’s house. I hadn’t quite made a final decision where I would be staying, with her or with him but I figured at least I had some time to figure it out after our trip.

Vincent and I spoke while I was away. He was relentless. He really wanted me to stay with him. I told him we would talk after I got back. The plan was that he would pick Nancy and me up at the airport after we returned and he would drop us back where she was staying and then I would leave with him, so we could talk over everything. I had only mentioned to Nancy in passing while we were on the trip that I might stay with Vincent instead of with her.

After the trip, he picked us up from the airport and we dropped Nancy off. He had asked me to put together a list of concerns and questions I had about staying with him so that we would talk about them. We talked about it all for hours. I was torn. I expressed my concerns about living with him. This was not what I envisioned for myself. What would he expect from me? Nothing. How much did I have to pay him? Nothing. Did he expect me to cook or clean, to play house? No. He insisted that he just wanted to help me out. I was still leery. I also expressed my concerns about living with Nancy.

Her friend lived almost an hour and a half outside of the city. I didn’t want to live that far out. The rent was also steep. I could afford it now but what if it took longer than expected to find a job. That might be an issue. It would definitely be dwindling the money I had saved up for my moving venture. As I discussed it with Vincent that night, neither of the prospects was enticing to me. I was very uneasy about both options. I didn’t really want to live with him, but I also didn’t want to stay with Nancy out in the boondocks either, paying all that money a month to live in a room in an attic.

The more I talked to Vincent the more I started to lean in the direction of staying with him. This was clearly not in line with my morals, but he was so persistent and was not going to take no for an answer. He tried to reassure me some more by saying he would treat me like a friend he was doing a favor for, no expectations. He said I could stay as long as I needed. He wouldn’t charge me; he just wanted me to get on my feet. He also reminded me that he wouldn’t be living there full time anyway. He still technically lived and owned his business out of state and would need to go back weekly so most of the time I would be alone.

I was concerned about how Nancy would take it. I knew I had to make a move. I had been at a standstill for months trying to figure this out. I wasn’t one to do risky things like this. I did everything in the order it was supposed to happen. I lived on the sidewalk. I liked safe, steady and predictable this was way out of my comfort zone. Vincent reassured me that I was making the best of a bad situation. I was already in North Carolina with nowhere to live. After I mulled it over awhile with a lot of his help, I decided to stay with him. But he needed to know it was a temporary situation and as soon as I found a job; I would move with Nancy.

I tried to rationalize the decision in my mind. I figured it would be easier for Nancy and me to move together anyway with me having a real job in the area and we would look for a place then. The next morning, I called Nancy and broke the news to her. I explained how I was just trying to make the best of a bad situation and that we would move together after I found a job. I didn’t expect for us to be apart for long. She didn’t have much to say on the telephone or that night when I went and picked up all my things and my car from her friend’s house.

I tried to remain in contact with her, but she didn’t have much to say to me on the phone or she would give me the cold shoulder the few times we went out after that. Our contact became more and more infrequent. I didn’t understand at the time. We both were in a bad situation. I tried to make the best decision I could, why didn’t she understand? I tried asking her about how she felt but she brushed me off. I rarely saw her or talked to her after that until we eventually stopped speaking altogether.

At the same time, as the summer was winding down and I was staying with Vincent, I began to learn more and more about him. I realized I really didn’t really know him at all. He was controlling, would say things to put me down, and he was chauvinistic. By the time I had returned home for the wedding and I was telling Angie about my move, I was having serious second thoughts about my relationship with Vincent. I didn’t know what to do. I had known him casually for years, but we had only been together for a few months, but it didn’t seem like it was working out.

Angie listened intently and chimed in. The first question/statement she asked me was why I had planned to move with Nancy. I didn’t even know her. She also questioned whether my mother knew I was staying with this man in North Carolina. No, I didn’t tell her that my plan had changed after I left. I didn’t want my family to know. I knew they would have wanted better for me and I also didn’t want them to know that I had made a mistake.

She asked me about Ace. I immediately started to get agitated. You see, Ace is my ex-boyfriend whom I had broken up with many years prior. Everyone wanted us to get back together. Ace broke my heart and the details surrounding that were never up for discussion, not with anyone. I had walked away with what little I had left, and I vowed never to go back. End of story. I immediately began to shut her down.

I broke up with Ace years ago. Let it go. She then proceeded to ask me why I wasn’t married yet? The nerve of this chick! Why wasn’t I married, what? How dare you ask me a question like that? I’m not married because I just haven’t found/met the right one. She retorted back; you should have married Ace. Now, I was angry! Angie throughout the years had made a habit of always bringing up Ace, but she would never take it too far because I always had a sharp remark that stopped the conversation from going any further.

Today was different; she totally dismissed my warning and kept going. So, you had this boyfriend and the other one before him and you’re still not married? You should have married Ace. I should have married Ace, really! Ace wasn’t the one and neither were they! I could feel my blood boiling. What do you mean, how could you say something like that? She said it again, you should have married, Ace, and then she added thank you, Holy Spirit. What? Now I knew this chick was going bananas. Ace and I are done, finito, finished! My other boyfriends wanted to marry me! I just didn’t want to marry them!

She kept going, so, you wanted to be married, you didn’t marry Ace and you’re still not married. Ace was the one you were supposed to marry. She told she was speaking to me prophetically. She said this was something the Holy Spirit had shared with her. Now I knew all about the Holy Spirit and prophecies and how God can reveal certain things to people but in my mind, this was not the case.

By that point I‘m sure I was seeing red. I know I was yelling. I was hot! How dare she come to me with this; this nonsense about me and Ace! What was wrong with her? Soon after, the conversation must have switched gears, but I was still seething.

I remember calling my friend, Sara and recapping the conversation. Can you believe Angie? She really got me going with that! The nerve of her! Something was different this time though. She and many other people had talked to me about Ace throughout the years. I simply brushed them off and didn’t give it another thought. I didn’t know what it was, but I just kept thinking about it. She was so indignant about it, Ace was the one I should have married, yeah right. I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation and what she had said.

Throughout that Friday night and the next day and the day after, I kept mulling over what Angie had said in my mind. Ace and I were alright with each other now and we were in contact with each other every now and then. Before I had left for my big move to North Carolina, he had wanted us to go out and celebrate, for drinks or something. I might have said yes but with everything on my priority list, Ace’s request was very low. I also didn’t like meeting up with him anyway. Every time I was around him for too long or talked on the phone with him for too long, he always seemed to be going down memory lane. I didn’t want to go back there, and it made me really uncomfortable to be around him so I just chose to avoid him like the plague.

I had already been back in my hometown for about a week and I wasn’t even sure if I had alerted him to that fact. Ace had since moved to a nearby state and he was now a sales representative. However, he still traveled back and forth often for work. On that particular night, I called him and told him to come over to where I was staying. Ace was somewhat of an ego booster for me. I knew he thought the world of me, but I refused to go back there again with him. I was still so angry. It was almost cruel; subconsciously I knew I was leading him on. He came over like I asked because he wanted to see me. And although I would never admit it to myself; I wanted to see him too. He parked outside my mother’s house and I hopped in his car with my sweats on, maybe even my scarf on my head and eating Chinese food. I could totally just be myself with him, if it had been anybody else, I would have tried to change and put make-up on, but it was Ace. It was like that with us. He always thought I was beautiful, no matter what. We talked for a few minutes and then he abruptly had to go. That was a little a strange, but I didn’t think much of it. The next day, Saturday, we talked again. We made plans to meet up later that night. I figured I’d let him take me for that drink or whatever it was that he had wanted to do before I left. He told me he had two things to say: Something he wanted to tell me and a question he wanted to ask me.

Angie’s words wouldn’t leave me alone. They kept playing over and over in my head and sometime during that day a light switch went off. I still have feelings for Ace, oh my goodness; I do still have feelings for Ace. I do, I had never thought about that possibility, but it all made sense. The fact that none of my relationships after him had worked out, we were still in touch with each other after all this time. I didn’t know what to make of this revelation. I had broken up with Ace, how long had it been, years, wow! I had no idea what to do with this information.

How would I even let him know. I now knew I had feelings for him but what did that mean? This was a lot to process and I had no idea where to go with it. We were broken up; I wasn’t about to call him and let him know. That would be silly. I allowed my mind to wander. I wonder if Angie will call him and talk about our conversation, I wonder. I mean, I would never prompt her to do so but if she did that would make it a lot easier for me. Easier to do what, Natasha? I had no idea. This revelation was totally asinine but at the same time something about it rang true for me. We had been broken up for years, I had moved on, dated other people; I didn’t get this at all.

So, I went out with friends that day including a baby shower. Mya was there. Wow, I hadn’t seen her in years. Shortly after we broke up, Ace called me furious that Sara, my friend, was telling people disparaging things about him. He caught me totally off guard, so I called Sara to find out what the deal was.

She told me that she was over a friend’s house and Mya was there and claiming to be Ace’s friend. She said she had insider information about our relationship. Sara felt the need to let her know some private details of our relationship, so she could set her straight. I was taken aback by the fact that Sara had shared my private information to this girl who was a stranger to me. I felt exposed, but she assured me she was defending my honor. I wasn’t so sure. What she had shared with her was her interpretation of the events.

I spoke to her daily right after the break-up and she knew that Ace and I were still in contact, but I hadn’t formulated any words to describe him. I was just distressed about it all. I was incredulous that Ace had actually called me caring about what some girl who I didn’t know thought. I called Ace back. I remember starting off the conversation with some disparaging remarks and I let him have it from there.

Mya was a friend whom I knew nothing about although I had dated Ace for several years. They apparently had met several months prior and had exchanged numbers and were just casual friends. I ended up leaving it at that. I had already broken up with him. I was just so tired from the relationship and all the changes that I had been through with him, that I didn’t have the energy to care.

I would see Mya from time to time over the years at different events. It was always awkward for me. I always felt like she was sizing me up, but I also refused to spend time thinking about it. What do you do? After all, I had moved on with my life. So, I just chose to let it go. Seeing her just brought me back especially since earlier that day I had had my shocking revelation about Ace.

That night Ace and I decided to hang out. He said he would call me. My mind was still trying to process. Later that night while I was out having dinner with my co-workers, he called. I told him I was in downtown at a restaurant. The next text I received was that he was outside. That was strange, but I excused myself and went outside to meet him. He was parked at the corner standing outside his car. I greeted him; he seemed nervous. I asked about us going out, he said he already had plans to hang out with some other people.

Ok, not one to mince words; I asked about the two things he needed to say. He said forget it. I wouldn’t let him get away with that. I had known Ace for almost 10 years by this time. I pressed him a little bit. He broke down and began with the first thing. He told me he had feelings for me. That really struck me; I didn’t let on what I had been thinking about for the past day, the revelation I had or what Angie had said. How did he know to bring something like this up? Was this a coincidence? I doubted it; I was almost certain Angie had called him up and said something. How else could the conversation have gone here?

He hadn’t expressed his feelings to me in a very long time. I was angry that Angie had possibly spilled the beans but relieved at the same time. I just quietly nodded my head although my brain was churning, and I asked about the second thing. This was his question, he got timid again. ‘Ok, what is it Ace’? I knew I didn’t have to be out there pulling teeth with him, but I was curious. Any other circumstance I probably wouldn’t have even cared to know. The next words he said, threw me for a loop. I heard you live out in North Carolina with your boyfriend. What? Well, do you? I had to catch my breath. I was going to cuss Angie out, for real. This was classified information how could he have known this had she not told him. She didn’t waste any time. I just spoke to her the day before, really, Angie? I slowly answered him, well not exactly. I don’t exactly live with him. I fumbled for the words to say. I’m just staying there. As soon as I get a job, I’m leaving…wait… who told you, Angie? He claimed he hadn’t talked to Angie in years. I pressed him for his source. I think this was one of the few times I couldn’t get any info from him. He remained tight-lipped. But that was alright, it had to be Angie who else could it be?

I let him know it wasn’t working out between me and my boyfriend. So, do you have a girlfriend? He was very vague which was not like him. He needed to get to where he was going so we parted ways. It was all very strange to me. Just a few months ago, he really wanted to hang out with me. Now he was blowing me off almost, strange. I walked back into the restaurant and that thought faded from my mind as I rejoined my co-workers.

After leaving my co-workers and all the other festivities of the day. I was alone with my thoughts again. I didn’t have a full grasp on this revelation. It was incredulous to be honest. How could I still have feelings for someone I broke up with years ago? I didn’t understand; it just didn’t make sense, but it did. It’s like lights were flicking on all over in my mind, it explained so much but how? What now? I have feelings for him but what does that even mean? I went to bed with my mind whirling with questions and thoughts.

I woke up the next morning with the same thing on my mind, as the day progressed. The question of what next loomed and grew bigger in my mind. Do I tell him? No, I don’t even know what this all means. I mean great, I have feelings for him, wonderful but I don’t need to act on them, or do I? I could just leave things as they are and just continue to live my life. But something in my heart was gnawing at my mind.

My friends from my old church had a gathering. It was like old times. I was happy to be hanging out with my girls again. I was only back in town for a few more days so I was glad to be able to connect with them before I left. We had beverages; cheese, crackers, and desserts. We reminisced about the old days and caught up with each other. Angie was also supposed to be there. AND OH, I was waiting for her. I had plans on lighting her fire for running her big mouth to Ace about me living in North Carolina with my boyfriend. I was having a good time, but I was watching the door waiting for her arrival. Angie finally arrived, and I was ready for her.

I didn’t give her much time to get settled; I kindly asked her to step outside the house with me. We had some business to handle. I kept it nice and brief and got straight to the point. I recapped my conversation with Ace from the night before and I asked her why she had told him my business. She was very calm. She said she hadn’t said a word to Ace; she didn’t even have his number. So now you’re not even going to be honest, really? I squinted my eyes at her and put my hands on my hips; she was really being ridiculous. How else would he have known, I asked? I just had the conversation with you on Friday then the very next day he’s asking me about the same thing? Again, she was very calm which was really irritating me. She said that’s confirmation, Natasha, confirmation of what I said on Friday. I didn’t tell Ace anything.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Confirmation, Angie, really? I didn’t believe her for a minute. Now she was trying to say that God had somehow fixed it so that he would ask me about the exact same thing the next day. Yeah, ok, God had some help, your big mouth! I asked her again if she had told him. Again, she denied it. There was nowhere else to go with the conversation since she wasn’t fessing up, so I had to drop it, but I didn’t have to believe she was telling me the truth. She seemed really sincere but there really was no other logical explanation.

The get together ended later that night and we all went our separate ways. Again, I was left with my thoughts. My mind began to vaguely play back the last few years. I knew Ace still had feelings for me and I almost owed him. He had been expressing his feelings for me for years ever since we had broken up and now that mine had come out of nowhere. I felt like I had a duty to let him know. I had no idea how he was going to take it; I had no idea how to take it myself but the more this back and forth went on in my mind, the clearer things became. So, that night I picked up the phone and dialed his number.

The conversation went something like this. "Hey