Finding Hope

By Maria Clark

The Bellows family is shattered by a choice a son makes which can’t be undone. Now a father, mother, and sister must navigate their tremendous grief to find the other side.

Norah Bellows, a Special Education Teacher turned her back on God long ago. She was determined to rely on herself to get through the trials of life, but now in the event of losing her only son, Norah must make a choice which will drastically change the course of her family’s life.

Charlotte Bellows was in denial of her older brother’s choice. She tries to uncover his secrets to discover why on April 5, 2019 her world came crashing down. Charlotte desperately tries to uncover the answers that she hopes will put her heart at rest when she meets a young man who may hold the key to what she didn’t know she needed most.

A story about God’s everlasting faithfulness, the power of hope, and His healing redemption which over comes even the deepest of sorrows.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Apr 26, 2022
• ISBN: 9781664254381

Maria Clark

Maria Clark lives in upstate New York with her husband, their three daughters, and pets. She works in the field of Special Education by day and writes during the evenings. Christian Fiction is her passion. Finding Hope is her first novel.

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Copyright © 2022 Maria Clark.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-5439-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-5440-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-5438-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022900172

WestBow Press rev. date: 04/25/2022

CONTENTS

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Prologue

Chapter 1 Charlotte

Chapter 2 Norah

Chapter 3 David

Chapter 4 Norah

Chapter 5 Charlotte

Chapter 6 Charlotte

Chapter 7 Charlotte

Chapter 8 Evelyn

Chapter 9 Charlotte

Chapter 10 David

Chapter 11 Norah

Chapter 12 Charlotte

Chapter 13 Robbie

Chapter 14 Charlotte

Chapter 15 Charlotte

Chapter 16 Charlotte

Chapter 17 Robbie

Chapter 18 Charlotte

Chapter 19 Charlotte

Chapter 20 Norah

Chapter 21 David

Chapter 22 Charlotte

Chapter 23 Charlotte

Chapter 24 Charlotte

Chapter 25 Norah

Chapter 26 Sabrina

Chapter 27 Charlotte

Epilogue Charlotte

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all victims of suicide

and the loved ones they left behind.

&

In loving memory of my father Stanley Robert Strzepek

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank the incredible staff at West Bow Press for making my dream a reality. Thank you to everyone who worked so hard to bring my story to life. I never could have walked this journey without all your talent, experience, and determination. It is my hope that there will be many more stories coming to print in the future!

I would also like to thank my wonderful husband Shane for his patience and his encouragement. Thank you for always supporting my dreams and encouraging me not to give up. I would also like to thank my three beautiful daughters Mackenzie, Alexis, and Alyssa for understanding when Mom needs time to write. You are all the sunshine of my life. I have dedicated this novel to my father’s memory, but I would also like to thank him. I know my dad; Stanley is in Heaven right now looking over his first grandchild. I want to thank him for always standing up for me and encouraging me to never give up even when life was at its bleakest.

Finally, I would also like to thank all the readers out there who are taking a chance on Finding Hope. I hope this story inspires you, gives you hope in the darkness, and helps you grow closer to Jesus. No matter how desperate life may become, please always remember that you are not alone. Just look up toward the heavens and place your trust in the One who knitted every part of you. He knows your thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires. Ask God to carry you through the storm. Trust His plan and don’t ever give up. There is hope in the ashes.

PROLOGUE

This wasn’t how my life was supposed to be. I had had a plan. My life had had a clear direction. All the questions had answers. There were no blank spaces; no page left unturned. Everything had been carefully planned, but that was before my life did a total one-eighty causing everything to explode in my face. Now there’s no going back.

It’s difficult to believe that eight short months ago, I didn’t have a care in the world. My life couldn’t have possibly gotten any better. I’d been accepted into my dream school: North Stoneridge University. It was one of the most prestigious universities in the United States. I would become an architect and join my father’s company as the other Bellows men had done before me. It had been all that my dad and I had fantasized about since I was just a kid. I would like to make my family proud, continue our legacy, and leave my handprint on the world. Nathan Michael Bellows was here and had made a difference! I was going to leave the world better than it was when I had entered it. There was no plan B.

I also had a gorgeous, intelligent girlfriend, Sabrina Perry. We had been together since our sophomore year at Clear Falls High. There was no one else like her, not even close. She was everything to me. We were each other’s firsts and planning on being each other’s only ones. I know that sounded cheesy, but at the time, I truly believed it. I had admired, respected, and loved her. Sabrina was different from the other girls I knew. She was goal-oriented and passionate. Her love of animals turned into a career path. I knew she would be an incredible veterinarian one day.

The only downfall of having dreams is that sometimes they don’t coincide with your partner’s dreams. Sabrina’s led her to Cornell University, the school she had fantasized about attending since she visited the campus four years ago. It was a four-hour drive away from North Stoneridge, which may not seem like a long distance to most people, but for me, she might as well be in California. Though, I was determined not to stand in her way. I didn’t want to be that guy, the needy, insecure, possessive type.

Instead, I pushed my concerns to the back of my mind and continued believing that everything would work out. Our relationship would survive the distance, and we would be stronger for it. In the end, we would both graduate with our bachelor’s degrees. Sabrina would keep working toward her goal of becoming a veterinarian, and I would start working. Perhaps, I would work on my master’s degree in the evenings through an online program.

I had planned it so meticulously; every step. I graduated valedictorian of my senior class. I achieved nothing less than an A in all of my classes, my entire school career. My resume was packed with sports and other activities. I had volunteered in a nursing home and an animal shelter. Every second of my day had been structured to be productive; to ensure my spot at North Stoneridge University. Nothing was going to stand in my way; absolutely nothing.

Or so I had thought. What a fool I had been! I was so naïve. I thought everything would work out. The next four years were going to be epic. I was sharing a dorm room with my best friend since preschool, Robbie Tucker. We were more than best friends; we were brothers. There was no one else I had trusted more in the world to have my back, and I had his. My sister Charlotte teased us that we had a ‘bromance.’ I think she was just jealous that Robbie and I were so close. She wanted the position of my best friend all to herself but, that was Charlotte. She was a firecracker and my only natural sibling. I had shared some of my experiences and feelings with her, but I didn’t want to burden her with the worst of it. I knew she wouldn’t judge me; I trusted her, but she was my younger sister. The protective older brother in me wanted to shelter her from the dark feelings inside. I didn’t want to scare her or make her think she had to ‘save’ me. It was my responsibility to protect her, not the other way around. I thought I could get through it somehow. I thought I could make it out the other side. But I’ve come to realize that just wasn’t possible. I was in too deep.

I glanced over the ledge. I felt panic rising in my chest. I had been calm as I climbed up to the roof from my second-floor dorm room. Determination had steered me. I couldn’t live like this anymore. The pain inside had to end. I could only take so much, and now there was no turning back. Robbie had betrayed me. We were no longer friends. Sabrina shattered my heart and faith in love. I was convinced human beings weren’t capable of unconditional love for a significant other. Sure, parents had unconditional love for their children; I had experienced it from my parents. But humans were far too selfish to extend that type of love to their partners. It was impossible, and Sabrina had proven that to me.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve made so many mistakes. I’m a failure. I can’t even look at my reflection anymore; the sight of me makes me sick. There’s no point anymore. I’m going to be expelled. My future here at the university is no more. How can I go home and face my parents? There is nothing left. I have nothing left.

Dad will be so disappointed when he finds out what I have done. I’ve tried talking to Mom time and again, but she doesn’t understand. Maybe she doesn’t want to. I don’t want to hurt them, but I don’t want to keep on hurting either. I feel like I’m suffocating in the darkness, and I can’t seem to find relief anywhere. Nothing is going to fix this. It’ll be better if I’m no longer here. I haven’t been able to find another way out. This is it.

I close my eyes. These feelings are driving me insane! I want to shut them out. I’m not who my family thinks I am. I’m a loser. I want this emptiness and this pain to end. I want to feel free. I want to feel light and happy. That’s all I want, but I can’t get it! I can’t get out from underneath this heavy cloak. It weighs on me. It pushes and pushes, suffocating me. I can’t explain it. I feel helpless, and all I crave is escape.

I look up at the heavens.

I don’t know what to do! Lord, can’t you tell me what to do?

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CHAPTER 1

Charlotte

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April 5, 2019

No! I screamed; unaware I was still standing in Principal Duncan’s office. No!

Please don’t let it be true!

Principal Duncan, with her arms outstretched, took a step toward me. I took a step back and sat down in a chair with the receiver still enclosed in my clammy hand. My father’s deep voice poured through the phone line, but I couldn’t catch a word. It was like an old Charlie Brown cartoon; all I heard was static.

"No, this couldn’t possibly be happening! No! No! No! This is impossible," I said aloud to no one in particular. Principal Duncan wrapped an arm around my shoulders, but I felt no comfort.

It didn’t make any sense. This had to be some horrible nightmare! It just couldn’t be true. I had just exchanged texts with him last night. I was under the impression things were going well for him. I dropped to my knees. My heart was beating so fast. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Was I having a heart attack? Only five minutes ago, I was sitting in homeroom, waiting for the bell to signal our departure for first period. But instead, I had been called to the principal’s office. I was so worried that I had been in trouble for something. I was racking my brain, trying to figure out what I had done. Did Principal Duncan figure out I was the one who had written Lacy hearts Lucas in the last bathroom stall? It was a joke! I didn’t mean to be mean. Lacy and I were friends. We just teased each other sometimes. Maybe writing it in a public place was a step too far, but lots of girls wrote on the bathroom stalls. I wasn’t the only one.

If only I were getting in trouble for writing on the bathroom stall! That moment was so trivial compared to this. I longed to go back in time, back when I was worried that I had failed a test or was caught doodling on a bathroom stall. I wanted to go back before my father had given me the worst news of my life. It was so surreal. I still couldn’t comprehend the words. Nate was dead. My brother was dead! How was this possible? I didn’t understand.

I wished I hadn’t asked my dad why my aunt was coming to get me. That’s all he wanted to say. He was calling to tell me I was going home for the day, but he sounded so strange. I was scared. He sounded like he had been crying but was trying to cover it up. I couldn’t stand the suspense. I had to know why I was leaving before first period, so I had pressed him. I knew that something terrible had to have happened.

I asked my dad, Why am I going home now? I pressed and pressed until he finally gave in.

My father’s voice broke. I felt butterflies the size of bats dance in my stomach. The strength in his voice was gone, and I instantly knew I was right. The bomb went off and tore my world apart as my dad told me the horrific reason why.

My mind was spinning. I felt so dizzy, like I was going to collapse, only I was sitting down. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged my legs. I tried to convince myself that it was all a lie…a horrible sick lie. Something like this couldn’t possibly happen to someone like Nate. There must have been some mistake. Perhaps they had misidentified the body. I was sure mistakes like that happened all the time. Nate was alive and well. He was probably holed up in the school library preparing for an upcoming exam or something. Knowing how studious my brother was, that would be a likely story. Yes, the campus police must have been mistaken. The words I heard were false. At least I tried to convince myself for a moment that Nate was alive.

His face filled my mind. My brother had been my best friend, and I knew him. I knew him better than anyone. If Nate were struggling with something, I would’ve been the first person to know if something were wrong. We were only eleven months apart; Irish twins, people called us. We even resembled each other. We both had inherited our father’s thick, blonde, curly hair and our mother’s warm hazel eyes. Dimples were embedded in our cheeks, and we proudly beamed every time we smiled. People would say, we were two of a kind.

Is there anything I can get you? Principal Duncan asked, interrupting my thoughts. A cup of water, perhaps?

I shook my head. She informed me that she had sent a classmate to get my backpack. All I wanted to do at that moment was seek the truth. Nate couldn’t be dead. I was in disbelief. My entire world was falling apart, and it didn’t seem possible. Nate and I had just chatted last night, and then he had sent me a text just before 10 p.m. My brother was in good spirits. He was relieved that a particular school project that had loomed over him for months was finally turned in. Nate even laughed. I had missed his laugh, and it felt like forever since I had heard it. He seemed to have found his footing at the university finally. Life was going well. Then suddenly, my father called the school and asked to speak to me.

Boom! Just like that, my perfect happy world exploded. I wasn’t prepared; I didn’t see this coming. No one had.

I unlocked my phone, typed in my PIN, and searched for the text. There it was. I was so glad I hadn’t deleted it. I read it over again.

Sorry to text so late.

I just wanted to wish you good luck on your test tomorrow.

You’ll ace it, Charlie. Don’t stress; everything will be OK. TTYL.

Nate sounded normal except for one thing. He had called me Charlie. Charlie had been my childhood nickname. No one called me Charlie anymore. I had asked my family when I started the seventh grade to start calling me by my given name, Charlotte. I thought it sounded more sophisticated and grown-up. Nate had still opted to be called by his nickname instead of Nathan. But oh well. I preferred Charlotte. So then why did he call me Charlie for the first time in years? Was this a red flag I had missed? Was it a clue? Was he trying to tell me something?

I thought back to the last time I had seen Nate. I couldn’t believe it was April already. Last month, Nate had spent spring break in South Carolina with his girlfriend, Sabrina, and a bunch of their friends. They had rented a house they found on a website. I was jealous that he hadn’t asked me to come along but figured he hadn’t because I still had school. Well, that’s what I told myself anyway. Prior to that, I had seen Nate on the occasional weekend, but he didn’t come by that often due to his rigorous academic workload.

He did come home for the weekend in January to celebrate my eighteenth birthday. Our parents often said that Nate was their Valentine’s Day gift (even though he was born on February 8), and I was their New Year’s baby (even though I was born on January 9). Wow! It had been a long time since I last saw Nate, and now, I couldn’t believe that I wouldn’t ever see him again. The thought made me sick to my stomach.

My mind wandered back to my eighteenth birthday party. My parents had thrown me a huge surprise party! I was genuinely surprised. My mom and I had worked together to plan the best party to celebrate my milestone. I had chosen a Great Gatsby theme, and my mom hired a great jazz band for the occasion. I had an undeniable love for the 1920s and knew my friends were going to lose their minds! My party was going to be the party of our senior year. No one would be able to top it.

Only I had no clue that my mom was planning the party to take place Friday night instead of Saturday night. She was so sneaky. I was also surprised that Nate hadn’t let the cat out of the bag. Usually, when Nate had a secret, he liked to tease me about it. He was like a gossipy old woman. He would make it clear he knew a secret. His goal was to get me to beg him to give up the secret. But then he usually shared it anyway. I think he did it because he wanted to get under my skin. My friends were surprised that Nate would tease me like that. They always thought he was so serious and a little boring. But like an onion, Nate had a lot of layers. He was a human, after all, not a cartoon character. However, I like to think that I was one of the few people allowed to see his goofy side. It was sort of nice, even if he used it only to bug me.

However, this time, he hadn’t said a word. Was that a red flag? Had Nate been quieter than usual? I couldn’t remember. But then again, it was my epic birthday party. I didn’t pay much attention to anything outside my birthday party that night.

My aunt arrived as my mind continued to buzz with thoughts of Nate. She had to tap on my shoulder to bring me back to the present. I was taken aback by her appearance. My aunt was usually the picture of perfection. She wouldn’t step out of her house with a hair out of place. Her usually silky straight dark hair was a mess. She had thrown it into a bun on top of her head; strands poked out every which way.

As I stood up from my chair, she pulled her thin red lips into a fake smile as if trying to ease my pain. It was apparent she had been crying. Tear stains dressed her cheeks, and her usual perfect complexion was red and blotchy. Aunt Evelyn extended her arms out to me. I quickly accepted her embrace, and the tears immediately came running down my cheeks in fierce sheets. As my tears rushed down in a waterfall, my aunt’s red-rimmed eyes filled with fresh tears. We stood there for a long time, hugging and crying in Principal Duncan’s office.

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Growing up, I followed Nate everywhere. He was my hero. Other brothers would have probably told their younger sisters to take a hike, but Nate never did. We did everything together. During our childhood years, we were inseparable. We played games such as hide and seek late into the evening. Kickball was a favorite of ours but is a challenging game to play with just two people, so we would kick the ball back and forth instead of running the bases.

It was always more fun to play outside after the sun had set. The shadows made everything look spooky. Nate liked to sneak up behind me and scare me. I always got him back, though. It was fun listening to his high pitch yelps for help. Girls can scare boys just as well or maybe even better than boys can. Too bad I didn’t have a social media account back then. I smiled to myself, thinking about the photos of Nate I could’ve posted, and I would’ve had enough ammo to use as blackmail for years.

So, it was no secret that summer was our favorite season. Our dad helped us build a treehouse in the great Oak, providing generous shade in our large backyard. We used to hide up there with a bucket of water balloons. Whenever one of our parents, friends, or relatives happened to be below, we would toss a balloon down at them. Then, we would laugh like it was the funniest thing in the entire world. Our parents weren’t too happy with us. Once, we threw a water balloon down at our dad as he was about to mow the lawn. Instead of scolding us, he picked up the garden hose and sprayed us until we were soaked! It was all good fun. But that inspired a massive water fight: team kids against team parents! Our parents won, but Nate and I still had a blast.

When we weren’t drenching others with water balloons, we could be found swimming in our inground pool. One of our favorite games was what we called Dive Off. We took turns judging each other’s diving skills. We usually gave the other a score from one to ten. A score of one was the worst, and a score of ten was the best. Back then, I thought I was the best. All my dives were tens, even when my dumb brother gave me a three. (Nate didn’t know what great diving was). I envisioned myself competing in the Olympics with my graceful swan dive.

We built campfires under a starry summer sky and told ghost stories as we roasted marshmallows for smores. We argued over who could tell the best ghost story. Each story we told had to be creepier than the last. Nate would get a thrill from scaring me. Then he would laugh and tell me not to be such a baby, and I’d punch him in the arm and tell him he didn’t scare me.

Springtime was filled with baseball and softball. Nate and I would play catch in the front yard, followed by hours of perfecting our batting and pitching skills. Boy, did Nate have an arm on him! I wasn’t bad either if I do say so myself. Having an athletic older brother had its perks. He pushed me into becoming the best softball player I could be. He always cheered me on but told me I could be better. Sometimes, I hated him for it. More than once, I told him this wasn’t boot camp. But deep down, I liked that he cared enough to push me. I liked that he saw something deeper in me. He knew I could be better and wanted to see my talent flourish. I wonder how many people can say that about their sibling?

Our sibling shenanigans continued in the cold weather too. Thanks to the beautiful New York winters, our snow forts were legendary! Our friends were always trying to outbuild us. I don’t mean to brag, but their forts never came close to surpassing ours.

That same great Oak tree that housed our tree fort would shed its leaves in the fall so Nate and I could gather them up into colossal piles! Then, of course, our mother would scold us for making the yard a mess again. We didn’t, mind though, because we had so much fun jumping into them. My childhood was the best season of my life.

Nate was immersed in his first year at a prestigious college located only three hours away from our small hometown of Clear Falls, New York. It’s funny; whenever you tell an outsider that you are from New York, they automatically assume you are from New York City. But there is much more to New York State than just busy New York City, such as our cozy little town nestled in beautiful Finger Lakes Wine Country. But it is fun to see the impressed expressions plastered across people’s faces when you tell them you are from New York.

Nate seemed to be thriving; academics have always come easily to him. He even graduated Valedictorian of his class. My brother seemed to be good at everything he tried, unlike myself. I struggled in school. I have always had to study hard to earn B’s and C’s. I seemed to be a disappointment to my teachers, who had taught my straight A brother the year before. But at least I tried. As much as I adored Nate, I was living in his shadow. I would never be as academically successful as he was. At least I was a girl. I think it would’ve been worse if I had been born a boy. Being the less successful younger brother living in his older, more successful brother’s shadow seemed more daunting. If we had been the same gender, I think people would’ve compared us even more than they had. Perhaps, we would have been rivals instead of best friends. I don’t know, but watching my good friend Sophie envy her older sister Victoria didn’t look much fun. Teachers were constantly comparing Sophie with Victoria. Victoria was stunning, intelligent, and an accomplished pianist. Everyone was always saying that Victoria’s future was filled with big things. She could be a star, some would say.

What hurt Sophie the most was when she had an enormous crush on a guy named Zane two years ago. It turned out that Zane had a crush on Victoria. Victoria wouldn’t give Zane the time of day since she was a senior and he was just a lowly sophomore. But it still hurt Sophie that Zane liked Victoria. She worried that Zane thought Victoria was prettier and more fun than she was. At least Nate and I didn’t have that problem. We wouldn’t be fighting over potential love interests.

Home was a different story; I never really felt the need to compete with Nate regarding our parents’ affections. After all, I am the only girl born into the Bellows family in three generations. At least in the Bellows household, I’ve been spoiled and gushed over. Too bad, my family’s view doesn’t provide any weight with my teachers or with college recruiters. It would make my life easier if it had.

Aunt Evelyn pulled her Honda onto our long driveway. Both my parents’ vehicles sat in the driveway along with my grandparents’ cars; everyone was here.

As if reading my mind, my aunt said, I told your dad that I didn’t think it would be wise if they drove down to the university. Your mom especially is in no condition to make the three-hour trip. She’d have too much time to stew in her thoughts. I’d be so worried they’d get into a car accident.

My heart sank. I wanted to run to Nate. I wanted to see him, surely my parents did too.

Aunt Evelyn looked at me, and reading my mind again she said, There’s nothing anyone can do for Nate. He’s not laying in a hospital bed. A tear ran down her cheek. Nate’s gone. As barbaric as it sounds, they presented your dad with photos over video chat. Technology has provided new ways for people to ID their loved ones. Aunt Evelyn’s voice broke. Your dad confirmed that it was your brother.

I can’t believe it; over video chat? This feels so unreal, so wrong. He could’ve made a mistake. How could he really tell over a screen? I just wanted to find an excuse that the body wasn’t my brother’s. It didn’t feel real. I just couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t have been Nate.

Not my brother! I just wanted to scream.

Aunt Evelyn wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I know, she whispered softly into my hair.

I looked down at my phone. I wanted to call Robbie. He and Nate had been best friends since preschool. They had made a deal that they’d be roommates if they were accepted into the same college.

I scrolled down my contact list and selected Robbie’s name. He picked up almost immediately.

Charlotte, Robbie said. His voice was heavy.

Hi, Robbie. Is it true? I cried. Aunt Evelyn shut her car door and headed for my house. I sat back in the seat, unable to move.

I’m so sorry, Robbie cried into the phone. It’s true. He sounded like a wreck.

Tears streamed down my face. I hadn’t stopped crying since I started in Principal Duncan’s office. But it still had felt so unreal. Hearing Robbie’s voice confirm the news was indescribable. A pit had formed in my stomach, and it was growing larger and larger by the second.

What happened? I asked in between sobs.

Haven’t you spoken to your parents? Robbie asked softly.

Not yet, not… about the… details, I stammered. I was sobbing so hard it was difficult to speak. Please, Robbie, tell me…tell me… what happened?

You need to talk to your parents, Robbie insisted. Are they coming here?

No, not yet. Aunt Evelyn doesn’t want them to drive, and I don’t know if that means she will drive them up. If she does, I will come too. I just… my voice broke, and I wailed. I was unable to stop myself from crying into the phone. I barely heard Robbie as he continued to speak.

My parents are coming to bring me back home for the weekend. I can’t be here, not now. Maybe we can talk tomorrow if you are up to it and if I’m up to it.

OK, I managed through sobs. We said goodbye and hung up. It took all my strength to pull myself out of my Aunt’s Honda. It took almost as much to climb each of the stairs leading to the front porch of our farmhouse. My feet felt like lead; I didn’t think I could move. I collapsed down onto the porch swing and buried my head into my hands.

Now, what do we do? I want to see Nate. Where are you, Nate?

After I took some slow, deep breaths and managed to settle my racing heart, I stood up and entered the house. A part of me was terrified to see my mom. I know it seemed strange, but I had never seen either of my parents grieving. At least not for their only son. I was scared that my presence would make it worse. Strangely, I felt guilty that I was still alive and Nate was gone.

Inside, my dad, David Bellows, was in the kitchen. It appeared to me that he was hiding instead of making a fresh pot of coffee. My mom was nowhere to be seen, and I guessed that she was in her bedroom, unable to face the world. I crossed the room and collapsed onto the sectional. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I just hugged a toss pillow close to my chest and soaked the fabric with my mascara-tinted tears.

Aunt Evelyn sat on the sofa beside me. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders. My Babcia, which was Polish for grandmother, and my Paternal Grandparents were gathered in our living room. Everyone was sobbing. The ride home had been silent except for my sobbing. Aunt Evelyn didn’t say much, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask any questions. I just wanted to get home and see my parents. Perhaps, they would have the answers that would make everything clear. However, now that I was home, I couldn’t get my parents to say a word to me. So, I sunk into the sofa cushion, hoping it would consume me.

A framed portrait of a smiling Nate on his high school graduation day stood on the mantle facing me. I averted my eyes. Nate looked so happy! None of this made any sense. The pieces didn’t fit together. My dad entered the room and immediately swept me up into his arms. I felt safe for a moment, wrapped up in his strong embrace, just like I had as a little girl. After we pulled away, my father motioned for me to sit down beside him on the sectional. He avoided making eye contact. It was so strange to see my father like this. He was usually so suave and confident. He carried himself with a quiet strength. He wasn’t the loud macho guy who was all up in your face. Instead, he was humble and kind, a dependable man who always put his family first. I could see he was shattered like glass. His eyes were red and puffy, but he was trying to hide his pain from me. It was a lost cause. There was no way to conceal the pain inside 9590 Garden Lane. Everyone was paralyzed with grief.

After a long silence, Dad finally revealed to me what had happened. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe it. It was insane! He said that he and my mother had been notified that morning by a university official. They had said that Nate’s body had been found lying outside on the ground beside his dorm building about five am by a student taking a morning jog before class. It had appeared to the Campus Police and the city’s police that Nate had jumped from the roof of his Residence Hall.

What the…? Why would he do that? Why would Nate travel from his room to the roof of the building and jump to his death? What was going through his mind during that trip? It didn’t make sense. My first thought was murder. Nate was murdered. Wasn’t it obvious to the police that someone, perhaps Nate’s roommate, pushed Nate off the roof? I would never want to think that Robbie Tucker was capable of such a thing, but suicide was impossible. Maybe, Nate and Robbie had snuck up to the roof to have a beer and for some reason, they got into an argument. It was possible. Then, maybe in the heat of the moment, the fight had turned physical, and Robbie or someone else pushed him. Maybe Nate and Robbie were up there with some other guys. Perhaps, they didn’t mean to kill him, but in their rage, they had. And now they were too frightened to come forward. Or maybe it was planned. Maybe some scumbag had planned to kill my brother. Perhaps they were jealous of Nate, or maybe it was a girl Nate had rejected. Perhaps she was angry he had a girlfriend. Nate never had trouble getting girls to notice him. He was a good-looking guy with a bright mind. Some girls dug smart guys. Definitely, not the type of guy to take his own life. This was too much! I sprang up from the sofa. Aunt Evelyn’s eyes followed me.

Are you alright, Hon? Do you need anything? Aunt Evelyn asked me softly.

No, I’m not alright, I shot back. I immediately felt terrible for sounding harsh. But nothing was alright. How do we know Nate really is dead?

What do you mean? Dad asked. His brows came together.

Well, I began slowly. All we know is what the Dean of Students said. They are the ones who called and said Nate’s dead and we don’t have proof. Where’s the proof? We should be driving up there instead of sitting around here. I mean, why aren’t we at North Stoneridge right now? My voice had risen, and seven pairs of eyes were sinking into me.

Charlotte, I already confirmed Nate’s identity, Dad replied gently.

What? How? I asked, shrugging my shoulders and waving my hands around. Over the video chat? What’s up with that? How legit is that?

The medical examiner showed me the photos. Dad brushed a tear from his eye. It’s him. I approved the autopsy and then Rose Garden Funeral Home will drive up and bring back Nathan for the funeral. I took care of everything.

"Sure, and what about the police? Do you even believe what they are speculating?"

I have to trust that they are doing their jobs properly and they are still investigating. The coroner has to declare the cause of death. It will take a few weeks for all the tests to come back. As of now, the police have stated that they have found no evidence of foul play. Dad sighed deeply. I don’t know how driving up there is going to change anything.

What about his stuff? Don’t you even want to question Robbie or his friends? How do we even know for sure what happened to Nate? I asked. We need to go there and demand the truth!

My father sighed. I could tell his patience was wearing thin. I’ve known Robbie and his family for years. We all have. I can’t imagine that Robbie would have anything to do with this. I’ve spoken to his father today. They are all grieving along with us.

Robbie has always been like a second annoying brother to me. I know dad, I don’t want to go there either, but I just can’t…

Charlotte, please. I don’t want to discuss this right now.

What about his stuff?

Charlotte, that is enough! I’ve had enough. I’ve lost my son. I don’t want to think about the details or anything else right now.

He was flustered. I felt terrible for pestering him, but nothing made sense to me. I felt like I was in a movie, a really horrible movie. This morning when I awoke, everything was sunshine and rainbows. Now, everything was a mess. I was desperate for answers. I wanted to fix this, but how does a person fix something that can’t be reversed? I was suddenly drained.

Dad removed his clouded glasses and rubbed his red-rimmed eyes. I could tell he was trying to remain strong for us all, but grief was weighing him down.

The Dean of Students Office will handle taking care of Nate’s belongings, Aunt Evelyn replied quickly. That’s what they said, right, David? My father nodded and sat down in his favorite leather recliner.

They are even planning a memorial service for him in a few days, Aunt Evelyn continued. He had a lot of friends who’d like to say goodbye to him.

Dad dropped his head. Fresh tears filled his eyes. He quickly wiped them away and sat up taller. You can attend the memorial service at the campus if you like. I’m sure it is mostly for them, but we’re invited. I have to plan the funeral here. I am sure they will notify us once all of Nate’s belongings have been gathered. I can’t bring myself to go get them. My grandma rushed across the room and stood beside my father. She placed a weathered hand on his shoulder. I’m sure it hurt her to see her son suffer like that. But we were all suffering. I had never known that such deep pain existed. I had never felt such emptiness and heaviness before in my life. It was as if a shadow had cast itself over my family.

I just knew that I couldn’t lay in bed like mom or hide in the kitchen as dad had without knowing what happened to Nate. I wasn’t buying suicide. Why were they? Didn’t they know the same Nate Bellows I knew? The happy, goofy, intelligent guy that always pushed himself to do better. I could never picture him depressed or anxious about anything. He never gave up. He just kept going. He had too many dreams. Didn’t they realize that? Why then did it seem they were accepting that Nate took his own life. It was absurd! Unless they knew something, I didn’t. If they had, they weren’t sharing.

I can do that, the words poured out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Excuse me? My father asked, turning to me.

I want to go to the university and get Nate’s things. I wanted to snoop around and ask Robbie and their friends’ questions. I wanted to know what really happened to Nate. Hanging out at home crying in my room wouldn’t provide me with any answers. Nothing about this situation made sense. My mind was racing with all kinds of bizarre scenarios. Murder, drugs, accidentally slipping off a slick rooftop; all sorts of things. My eighteen-year-old brain cooked up every type of story but suicide. Suicide was such a harsh and scary word, and to even utter it felt like an offense.

Aunt Evelyn wrapped me in her arms, and her wool sweater tickled my chin. They will take care of everything. The University Police are investigating and have already combed through Nate’s room, she wiped away a stray tear on my cheek.

I looked up at her. It was funny how she always seemed to know what I was thinking.

I can drive you up for the Memorial Service, my aunt said loud enough for everyone to hear.

I nodded. I would like to go to the Memorial Service. I would be able to see Robbie. Maybe the pieces would start to fit. I had to know the details surrounding Nate’s death to clear his name. People would be whispering. They would think my brother took his own life, but that wasn’t true. I needed to reveal the truth because Nate wasn’t here to stand up for himself.

We have to be strong, as strong as we can be, Dad added. I think it would be nice for you to represent the family at the campus Memorial Service. Your brother was well-liked, and he was an excellent student. I am sure that the faculty, staff, and students will all miss him. He paused. We need to be strong for your mother too. She’s isn’t doing well.

I excused myself and went to my bedroom upstairs. I needed to be alone. My dad wanted me to be strong for my mom. Well, I couldn’t be. That was too much for him to ask of me right now. I couldn’t even be strong enough for myself. My questions had weighed like a million pounds upon my shoulders. I was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I had to get out of the living room and away from everyone. Suddenly at that moment, I just crashed! Tears came pouring from my eyes, and I collapsed upon my bed. I cried into my quilt for what seemed like hours. It was strange how grief could shower down onto a person in an instant. One moment, I was questioning Nate’s demise, and the next, it didn’t matter how Nate had left us; instead, all that mattered was that my brother was forever gone. Nothing would bring him back. Absolutely nothing.

I think my dad’s comment of being strong for my mom shook me the most. She was the strongest person I’ve ever known. I have witnessed my mother go through trials with grace and dignity. Nothing seemed to faze her before now. I hoped Dad didn’t expect me not to fall apart because I was falling. My perfect happy world was no more. I didn’t know what to do now. My brother was gone, and my father wanted me to be strong for my mother. Well, that wasn’t happening. I want to think that I’m a fierce and powerful girl, but I don’t think anyone could withstand grief as strong as what I was feeling.

I could barely sleep that night. I tossed and turned. I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep, but thoughts of Nate continued to fill my head. I got up, paced my room for a while, got a drink of cold water from the fridge, and returned to bed. Nothing worked. I tried to think of something else, but only Nate consumed my thoughts. I couldn’t shake the fact that the university police seemed to think my brother had killed himself, but there wasn’t a suicide note. What proof did they have? Nate wasn’t depressed. He wasn’t struggling with anything. Robbie could attest to that. There had to be more to the events of the night before. Maybe it was just an accident. It was their first taste of freedom. Sometimes, people get carried away.

I heard stories about what can happen during one’s first year at college. I wasn’t oblivious to the hijinks of first-year college students. Lacy’s older cousin was involved in a horrendous hazing incident while pledging into a popular fraternity his first year. The consequences I heard that were bestowed up the students by the university were equally as serious. I shuddered as I recalled the story, but it didn’t hinder my mind from entertaining the thought. Maybe Nate was involved in something similar? Perhaps Nate had been on the roof with some friends pledging for a fraternity? They were probably drinking and had too many beers. It could’ve even been at a party that the university was unaware of happening. Maybe in his drunken state, Nate got too close to the edge and fell. It seemed plausible. Right now, his friends were too scared and shook up to come forward.