I May Be a Junkie, but I'm Not Garbage

By Lucian A. Starr

I May Be a Junkie, but I’m Not Garbage is a story of addiction, transformation, and healing. In his book, Lucian will share with you his own story of pain, illness, and his own healing journey after coming to sobriety. Here, you will begin to form an understanding of how addictive behavior forms, the mechanisms that keep it intact, as well as how to remove and replace the thoughts and behaviors that drive it.

Lucian will share with you tools and techniques he has learned, driving his success passing those tools to the reader. Through this book, you will learn how any individual can go from feeling like garbage to gold though realization of their own inner strength and personal power.”I May Be a Junkie, but I”m Not Garbage” will transform your views on the subject of addiction, as well as the process of liberation from it. Through steps clearly outlined within these pages, Lucian will provide knowledge and experience gained through his own personal journey in a way that you can apply to yours.

By addressing the physical, mental and emotional components of the self, this book can be used as a tool to revolutionize your reality and see immediate change. This is not just for individuals living with drug or alcohol addiction, but any dependency that controls your thoughts or actions. This book is not just for the afflicted, but any person around them. Spouse, Parent, or friend, “I May Be a Junkie, but I’m Not Garbage” is for you. This is a story of hope through despair, and healing after trauma. This story was written to bring hope to those without it, and light to those in dark places.

You are not alone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Dec 31, 2019
• ISBN: 9781982240486

Book preview

I MAY BE A JUNKIE, BUT I’M NOT GARBAGE

LUCIAN A. STARR

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Copyright © 2020 Lucian A. Starr.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9822-4043-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-4044-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-4048-6 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date:  12/23/2019

Contents

NOTE TO THE READER

A CHILD UNKNOWN

THE STORY I WROTE

THE LITTLE PINK HOUSE

BULLIED AND BRUISED

FATAL ACCEPTANCE

HIS ADDICTION WAS A CHOICE

WHEN ADDICTION TAKES HOLD

GATEWAY DRUG

THE MONSTER INSIDE

INVALUABLE SUPPORT

I WOKE UP IN HER BATHTUB SO SHE MADE ME BREAKFAST

WHAT IS UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD

TAX TIME

AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT AND STEEL BRACELETS

SILENT SECRETS

THE MISSION

THE ROAD AFTER

IT WAS MY FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR

SHE PULLED ME OUT OF A DRUG HOUSE

IS RELAPSE PART OF RECOVERY?

ANGER IN THE HOME

THE POINT IT HAD TO CHANGE

WHEN HEALING BEGINS

THE SEARCH FOR THE MISSING KEYS

AND THEN I RETURNED THE FAVOR

WHEN SKELETONS COME OUT TO HAUNT US

TIME TO REASSESS

KNOWLEDGE APPLIED

TAKING AN INVENTORY OF ME

BURNING THE CONTRACTS

LOVING ALL OF YOURSELF

EMPTYING MY BACKPACK

PERCEPTIONS OF OUR PAST

NECESSARY CONTRAST

DID YOU CHECK YOUR CUPBOARD?

WHO DO I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP?

THE SCIENCE OF UNITY

FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU

LESSONS LEARNED WHILE TRAVELING MY PATH

GRATITUDE

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

NOTE TO THE READER

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W hat does it mean to transform? What is it to heal? Moving from one state to another is no small feat, and yet we seem to do so constantly. We ebb and we flow with the tides of life like some message in a bottle. Some of us, float along hoping to never be found while others wait earnestly to land upon whatever shore would find them, secretly hoping somebody would care enough to open them up and discover what lies inside. The moment I dared to look for myself was the moment true, intentional personal evolution would begin.

I write this book for a few reasons. First, as an examination, a personal rehashing of past events so that I too, may continue to learn from this experience. In so doing, my goal is to continue my own transformation and healing. Second, I write this to share. What is experience if we do not find its purpose? To what purpose do we acquire, if not to share? The seed sprouts and grows into a tree. The tree grows that it may bear fruit, and to release upon the earth more seed so that more trees may grow and more fruit be had. So, to the end that I know without a shadow of a doubt that this tree has grown, and its fruit has been shared, I make this story visible now for the world to see.

I would also like to make a brief note about the title of this book. This work holds its name because its name holds truth. It is important that I clarify here that in no way do I identify as a junkie, or as being addicted to the poisons which once fed a life-changing disease. Today, I would not change the experience for the world. This experience has become an invaluable asset to me and has brought boundless beauty into my own life and the lives of others. I know now, that in order to love myself today, I must love myself then. Certain knowledge and understanding can be acquired only through direct experience. The pain in my past made way for empathy and compassion in my present. The state of Illness to which I found myself existing in for years of my life, gave way to understanding which has not only allowed for my own transformation, healing and growth, but it has created the opportunity to aide many others in their personal journeys to recovery as well. Because of this, my story, every single part of it, is observed as being good. The scars may be permanent, and ever fading but the pain was temporary, and the rewards from it, boundless. For my experience here thus far, I give thanks.

I am not a drug addict! But I did spend years of my life in addiction. I will not place labels on myself, label jars not people. I most especially will not place that label on myself. The labels we assume upon ourselves become our identity. Our I AMs manifest into reality. I am a spirit having a human experience. It is by our experiences that we become. I chose to become something more, and I encourage you to do the same. Not because I think you can, but because I know you can.

This book is not just about addiction, and the recovery from it, although in part, it is. This is about a journey, and about possibility. Darkness, and the light of hope that can be found within it. Be you parent, child, spouse or friend, as long as there is life, there is hope. Be the light you wish to find, and most of all,

Be in peace

In

loving dedication to Mamma T

You were a beacon during the darkest nights of my life.

May you always shine bright.

A CHILD UNKNOWN

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T o be heard and to be seen are powerful things, but to feel understood knows no match. As a child, seen and heard I definitely was, but being understood, was a feeling that I remember only as always seeming to elude me. In fact, now that I think back on it, I can not remember a single time in my childhood where I ever really fit in, let alone felt understood. I was always an oddball. Not in the good, quiet keep to myself kind of way. Rather, I was quite the tasmanian devil; always bouncing from wall to wall, making as much ruckus as possible, and getting into all kinds of trouble. I can’t imagine that I was easy to tolerate for any period of time, let alone befriend by any children my own age.

A year after my birth my mother moved my sister and myself to the northwoods. My father stayed behind, locked in a cage where he remains to this day. His own mental illnesses and warped perceptions of reality prevented his healthy assimilation into society. In an attempt to create a life of safety and security for my sister and myself, my mother decided to move us to the north woods, where my Grandparents had made their home years before. The only real thing that I know about our transition is that my grandfather drove down to pick us up, and I cried the whole ride there.

I know that my mother had her share of hungry nights so my sister who was ten years older than myself, and I could have a meal. We always had a roof, and we always had love. For that alone, I know I was blessed. I’ve often wondered how different my life would have been if she would have stayed in the city. As a child, I never really understood the sacrifices that she made while raising us until I myself was responsible for young lives. A feeling that I’m positive many of us can relate to.

Many things in life can not be understood without tangible experience, the experience of parenting being one of them. To know of something, and to experience it first hand is vastly different. Just as experiences change our views on subjects we change through those experiences. Some might say we can not truly appreciate the magnitude of a thing, such as the loving sacrifices that a parent makes for their child until we ourselves have made them. To what else does this truth apply? This is why I give thanks for my experiences, neither judging them as good or bad, but observing them as they are, that they might be learned from in their entirety.

My mother married in the short years following our move. A wonderful man, who for years I grew to hate. Why? Let me make clear, it was certainly no fault of his own. He did everything he could to provide stability, security, and love, and he did it well. Coming into a home with a child such as myself could have been no easy task, yet this man took to the challenge in stride. As my personal pain, anger, and hatred grew over time, I directed that pain at the easiest target. An action that many young people take. I am fortunate enough that even through negative behavior, and disrespectful actions, his love remained consistent and steadfast.

There aren’t many details from my life before 8 that I remember with any clarity. Actually, that statement holds true for most of my life before coming to sobriety all those years ago. I often describe my early memory as feeling like the Nixon tapes at watergate. What I mean by that is, I hold small clips that are more like flashes and impressions than actual recorded detail. I now know through my vocational education that I could go digging, but I also know that the things the mind chooses to hide, it usually hides for a reason, so I leave things alone.

Today my wife describes me as a young child quite accurately, although she didn’t know me until much later in life. She says, "You know that kid