My Perfect Husband’s Life: A Story of Love, Betrayal, and Forgiveness

By Sophia Satyana

Author Sophia Satyana tells the true story of her husband’s sudden death at age fifty-six years old and the shocking story that unfolded of the secret life he had been living all along during their twenty-one year marriage.

Part 1 is the story of how Sophia finds out about the secret life bit by bit. Unraveling the clues from emails and other computer findings, telephone and credit card records, and other important documents such as the deed to their home and the title to their car, a life insurance policy, and a suspicious, over-friendly co-worker reveal a less than perfect husband.

Her husband had hidden a desperate sexual addiction, a deviant double personality, together with a six- year office affair, unknown and known debt, and more. His deception had been so complete that few in her circle would ever come to acknowledge the startling truth despite the mounting evidence to the contrary.

Part 2: This part of the book is all about the healing that took place for Sophia to the depths of which she did not yet know were possible.

“This is a riveting story of love and loss, of trust betrayed, of light and dark energies, all at play in a seemingly happy marriage. It is a story about healing the dark night of the soul that happens when your heart is shattered.”

“My intent is to break the cycle of secrecy and addiction, and everything that comes with this. The first step is being able to look at yourself, your life, and your relationships with a clarity and truth that may not be easy or pleasant to look at, but in the end it does set you free. As the Phoenix burns and flames, it also rises from the ashes to new heights unseen and unknown.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Nov 13, 2019
• ISBN: 9781982238551

Sophia Satyana

Sophia Satyana, author, healer and teacher, resides in the beautiful high desert of the Southwest, USA. Nature, walks with her dogs, travel, reading, movies, gardening, art, music, and writing the healing manual for this book fill her days. Born and raised in a small town in the Midwest, she worked and put herself through the University of Wisconsin-Madison majoring in Art Education. After graduation she taught Art (Grades K-8) in an 'inner city' school in Phoenix, AZ for 11 years. Though Sophia loved the desert and mountains of the Southwest, she moved back to the Midwest to marry her husband and lived there until his recent death. Leaving her corporate management position in Customer Service, Sophia pursued the world of Energy Work and Healing. She is a certified Reiki Master Teacher, skilled in personal and distance healing, life coaching, and teaching others to empower themselves. The ThetaHealing® technique, and Teacher Certification trainings are at the core of her work. In 2010 she spent the summer in Idaho taking all offered teacher training classes with the founder of the ThetaHealing® technique, Vianna Stibal. Sophia holds a Certificate of Science in the ThetaHealing® technique. She would like her book, My Perfect Husband's Life to be an inspiration to all who face impossibly traumatic and life-changing situations in their relationships, finding the courage to heal and create a new life like the phoenix (book cover image), becoming radiant, sovereign and happy again. She walks you through, step by step in her book how she did exactly that.

Book preview

PROLOGUE NOVEMBER 2014

At 56, my life as I knew it was over.

I knew I would never be the same person again. Even the past as I knew it would be forever changed, different from the truth I thought I knew it to be. The future would be changed. One event can change everything.

My world came crashing down all around me at age 56. What do you do when you are married to someone, and you realize you do not know them? They were not the person you thought they were after 21 years of marriage and knowing them for 35 years.

Life is so precious. We truly never know if we are going to take that next breath or not. In an instant, this life could be over. Even though my conscious mind knows all of this, it is entirely different to live it first hand.

This is a story of love: the love of my life, of what I thought was true love. It is a story of loss: the sudden loss of the life of my husband, loss of the illusion of what I thought and believed the marriage was. It is the story of the loss of me: of what I thought my life was, and ultimately the story of the deepest of betrayals from my soul mate.

It is the true story of the secret life I found out my husband had been living our whole marriage. I found this out after his death. It was a nightmare I could not seem to wake up from…and I was afraid that I never would.

And so the story of this last year of my life begins…

PART ONE:

THE STORY

1

The Shock

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I was driving in my car trying not to die. I was in New Mexico teaching classes. I had just left our home in Illinois after the holidays to teach classes in New Mexico for a couple of months. When I arrived at the urgent care in Santa Fe, New Mexico, I was having heart palpitations; my blood pressure was 195/100. This was very unusual for me. It had been building up for several days: each day, the symptoms got worse. I started to have a lot of fear and actual thoughts that I was dying. I could not figure out why this was happening. It felt surreal like it was not happening, but yet it was. I felt like I was sleepwalking and not in my body; like I was in a dream state.

I decided to cut my time short in Taos, drive back to our condo in Santa Fe, and go to urgent care there close to where I was staying and teaching. I was hoping I could make the drive and was a bit fearful of driving on the freeway at this point. I felt that I needed to get to a larger city with adequate medical care in case something was seriously wrong with me.

The doctor at urgent care did not seem too alarmed and did not do anything other than basic blood work. He said to make an appointment with my regular doctor. The blood pressure was a bit lower that afternoon but not by a lot. He did not know why the blood pressure suddenly elevated. He gave me a beta-blocker until I could get in to see my regular doctor. This did not make me feel much better as I still did not know what was causing these symptoms I was having.

I went to check out, and the nurse said I could not leave. A police officer wanted to see me in a private room. My first thought was that I had been speeding, driving back from Taos to Santa Fe; I probably was at some point. Then I asked if someone hit my car in the parking lot? She did not know and took me into an empty room. I waited for a long five minutes before the police officer came in. I felt nervous and anxious. I was trying to think of why he would want to see me and realized maybe something serious had happened to someone back home or in my immediate family. My first thought was my parents as they were both close to 80. But why wouldn’t one of my sisters call me, or one of my nieces or nephews or my husband? No, one of my sisters or husband would have called me. It could not be them.

Oh, my God, my husband…no, it could not possibly be him! I just talked to him a couple of days ago. He was fine, and I was going to call him tonight when I got to SantaFe. I called him at home before I left Taos and left a message for him. I felt that my body started to go into some altered state. I was aware and coherent, yet my body was bracing itself for the shock to come. Had it been doing that all week? Was I vaguely aware of this all week? Some part of me said, Yes. Another part of me was confused. I had these odd feelings and thoughts that did not seem like mine, and yet I was having very real physical symptoms and felt fear and confusion.

I thought of the last time I talked to my husband about three days ago. I had driven up to Taos from Santa Fe and said I would call him that night. I got busy unpacking and forgot. He called me later to make sure I was OK. I said I was sorry that I had forgotten to call him earlier. I felt bad and offered to talk now. Since it was after 9 PM his time, he said that it was okay to talk in a couple of days. I agreed because I knew it was late; I knew he went to bed early. I had a strong feeling I needed to talk to him right then, but I did not know why. Did something in me know this was the last time I would talk to him?

The police officer walked in with a very somber face. My heart started to flutter. I did not want to hear it. It was a moment of knowing my life would never be the same after this moment in time. I knew it had to be something bad. Time stood still. I held my breath and tried to remain present and focused.

I took a deep breath and said, It’s my husband, isn’t it?

Yes.

Was he in an accident?

No, he paused. I’m sorry. He died suddenly this morning.

I stopped breathing. I immediately put both hands on my heart. I could not talk. This was the worst possible news I could hear. I went into shock. Time stopped. Everything stopped. I know a part of me broke off and went out of my body. I wanted to turn back the clock and reject this news.

Finally, I asked, How did he die?

He had a massive heart attack.

At work?

No, at home, before he went into work. If it’s any consolation, it was quick, and he didn’t suffer.

Who found him, and what happened? The officer explained that when my husband did not show up for work, his co-workers knew something was wrong. After a couple of hours of not getting a hold of him, Tim, a co-worker, and friend, volunteered to go to the house and check things out. He had been to our house several times and was familiar with our dog. Tim found my husband downstairs and called 911.

I asked, What about our dog?

Tim has her. I have his number and a couple of other work numbers to give you. Do you have anyone to call to come and get you?

I don’t know. I don’t live here, but my niece is here, and I have a good friend who lives here. I could not think coherently; I could not make a decision.

He said, The coroner would like you to call him. They have the body and need to know what to do with it. I have the phone number of the man at work that found him. The body? My husband was all of a sudden a body, no longer living and on this earth. My brain and body could not process this.

I could not believe this all happened today, and I did not know anything about it until right now. I needed time to stand still so I could take all of this in, yet the police officer was just doing his job and had to keep me moving and get me home. I felt like I was going into some kind of altered state of reality because my brain and body could not deal with the news I was just given. I had never dealt with a shocking close death first hand like this before. I realized no one even knew about it yet because they were waiting to contact me first. I needed help with this. I was across the country from my family and friends.

I called my friend, Paula, and there was no answer. Then I called my niece, Amanda, and she answered. I could not cry yet; I was in shock. It all felt unreal to me like I was in a dream watching what was happening. I was going through motions like a robot but not present. My voice was shaky, and I did not feel that I was in my body.

I closed my eyes and said, Amanda, I have some very bad news. I will just say it. It’s Tom. He died of a heart attack this morning. I just found out.

Silence. Neither of us knew what to say.

I said, Could you call your mom and have her call Teresa?

She said, Yes, I’ll come over after work in a couple of hours.

The police officer followed me home. I was only a couple miles from home. I was driving, but I do not remember getting home. All I can say is that I was in shock, and I should not have been driving. I felt like I was in a nightmare and this was not real. When we arrived at our condo, the policeman gave me the phone numbers I needed from Tom’s work, and I walked up to our condominium. I was having trouble breathing. I knew I would have to fly home across the country, but I could not imagine getting on a plane right now. I had not been feeling well in the last week or so. The symptoms, thoughts, and feelings I was feeling in the last week were very unusual for me. I was feeling fear, my heart was racing, and I was having heart palpitations.

Then I thought, oh my God, the symptoms I had been feeling, they were Tom’s! I suddenly knew it; they were not even my symptoms or feelings, I was taking on his! We were so connected; it did not surprise me. I usually do not feel other people’s symptoms, but I think my soul knew that my soul mate was leaving this earth. The love of my life was no longer on this earth. This morning I felt the worst, which is why I decided to leave Taos and go to Santa Fe to the doctor. He died this morning. The whole ride down was very odd. I thought about dying; I wondered if I was dying. He was my soul mate, my friend, and my lover. This was not part of the plan. He was just in his mid-50’s, the same age as me; he was too young to die, and I was way too young to be a widow.

We had so many plans for the future and retirement. He was not going to get to experience any of it. How was I going to go on with my life? It did not seem possible. I never imagined living the rest of my life without him. I had no idea what to do this minute—let alone the rest of my life. In an instant, everything had changed. I did not want to accept this new reality. I wanted to reject it. I could not take in how this could be true.

So many things were going through my mind. Thoughts of the last time I saw Tom and talked to him. I had thoughts of when I was home over the holidays. So many emotions and feelings were going through my body. I felt sad, alone, and very much in shock. He was the other part of me; he was my partner in life. I had never been in shock like this before and probably never would again in my life. Maybe I would wake up from this nightmare, and it would not be true. I desperately wanted to hold on to this hope.

Tom took a week of vacation in January to spend with me before I went back to New Mexico. It was so cold, and there was so much snow we could not do much. However, I thought it was nice he wanted to take time off to be with me. I sensed something was wrong. Tom seemed very quiet and withdrawn over the holidays, not himself. I asked him if he was feeling okay, and he had said, Yes. I asked if anything was bothering him, and he said, No. He got me a new iPhone for Christmas. It seemed very important to him that I had all current phone numbers entered and knew how to use it. He had this done before I came back, and it was all ready for me to use. He said I needed a dependable phone in case of an emergency.

Did he know he was dying? I did not think he looked good at all. In fact, I told him I thought that it looked like his life force was leaving his body a few days before I left to go back to New Mexico. I didn’t know how else to put what I was seeing or feeling into words. He seemed robotic, troubled, not himself. He gained a lot of weight in the last couple of years; he looked puffy and very tired. I begged him to go to the doctor, but he never did. He went once about six years ago and said he got a clean bill of health. That was very hard to believe. I was very worried about his health. His diet was very unhealthy. He had no interest in changing his diet or doing any exercise.

He must have been having symptoms. I wonder why he wouldn’t do something about the symptoms? They were very scary to me. I could not understand him not going to the doctor or not saying anything to me if he was not feeling well. I had a feeling that something was very wrong for about the last year or possibly two. Tom did not seem himself. He seemed devoid of feeling—as if he was just moving through life but did not care. He did not talk about the future at all. He seemed stressed, which was unlike him. He even was impatient and was easily angered at times, which was totally unlike him. He seemed detached from life.

No matter what questions I asked him, he said things were fine, and he was fine. I did not believe it. Last summer, I even asked him if there was another woman, or if he wanted a divorce. I was grasping at straws so he would open up. He said, No, of course not. Then he started acting more like himself again. It was as if when I asked him these questions, it prompted something in him to get it together. I even felt as though he may have been dying or was sick and that he did not care, or did not want to tell me. At the airport when I flew back to New Mexico after the holidays, the moment was tinged with impending sadness. As I said goodbye to him, for a fleeting moment, I thought, I wonder if this is the last time I will see him? I hugged him a bit tighter and told him I loved him, and he did the same. This was indeed the last time I saw him. I felt so sad and regretful thinking of this.

Sometimes those little intuitive hits we get or gut feelings seem vague or like a little fleeting thought. Looking back, they were so big. This was one of those times. At the airport saying goodbye, I distinctly remember wanting to hold him longer, wanting to kiss him and say, I love you. We did do all those things, but it seemed too fast, too fast because it may be the last time. I remember this thought going through my mind, and then I discounted it. Of course, that was not true I told myself. My worst fear and nightmare of what might happen had happened. My husband had died suddenly. I had not even been there. The coroner said it was sudden, and there was nothing I could have done.

I finally let myself cry, alone in the condominium. My God, this could not possibly be true. I had to tell people. How was I going to do this? By telling people, it would make it true, and I did not want it to be true. I could not imagine my life without this man. I did not know if I could stop crying and I felt like I was going deeper into shock. I was getting scared; I had never felt this before. I felt afraid to be alone.

My heart was breaking in two, ripped out of my body, and I felt would never be the same again. It was too much to feel all at once. I alternated between crying and not being able to talk—to capture in words what I was thinking, and feeling. I knew my friend Paula was coming over, and it was a good thing. I did not trust myself to be alone.

Paula came over, and I cried in her arms for a while. I could not speak. I cannot remember anything I said to her. She listened and helped me start to make a plan of things I needed to do, starting with a few phone calls. Paula was my first responder earth angel. Amanda came over after work and helped with things too. She was another first responder earth angel. My sister Teresa and her partner, Keith, went to my parents’ house to tell them the news about Tom. Of course, they were very shocked and devastated. Everyone loved Tom. I couldn’t imagine telling them the news; I just couldn’t do it.

Nothing seemed important but what was happening. I could not think of plans or talk to people, and yet, I knew I had to. Amanda called my two sisters. I would have to call Tom’s brother and tell him and he could tell the rest of his family. Though I did not want to make that call, I knew I had to. First, I had to get the details of what happened from Tim, the man from Tom’s work, who had gone to the house and found my husband dead.

I called Tim and thanked him for going over to the house and finding Tom. He briefly explained what happened. I asked about Snickers, our dog. He had her and said Roxie would take her tomorrow.

I said, Who’s Roxie?

Tim said, She works with us and knows Snickers; she said she has watched her before.

I was confused; I did not know anyone named Roxie. I said I would rather have someone in my family take Snickers; she had been through a lot. I said I would ask one of my sisters and get back to him. Tim asked me to call Mary from work because she had been trying to get a hold of me and was very concerned. I said I would.

Talking to Tim made everything real. I felt so sad and filled with grief. I wanted to go back in time; I wanted to be there with Tom when he died. Maybe I could have called 911, and he could have lived. There were a lot of what ifs. I wanted to be next to our dog. I wanted to be next to my husband. I wanted time to stop; I did not want to go forward and deal with this life without him.

For some reason, it bothered me that Roxie wanted to take our dog. I was not sure why it bothered me, but it did, and I knew I had to prevent that from happening. It was a very strong feeling, and I did not know why. I also did not know why this person knew our dog. She had watched her before. Not to my knowledge. I did not even know who she was. I could not think straight. I had just heard of my husband’s death a few hours ago. I just knew that I did not want our dog to go with her; I felt it would be a mistake.

I called Tom’s brother, Nick because no one in Tom’s family knew yet. It was a hard call to make, but it had to be done, and I had to do it. I asked Nick to call the others in his family. I still thought I would wake up any minute from this nightmare—that it could not possibly be true. To say that this was a shock to everyone was putting it mildly.

Mary was very close with Tom and had worked with him for 37 years, his entire career he was at the company. She was close to retirement too. Paula and Amanda left. After I had